Archive for July 2011

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U.S.A!

July 12, 2011

The U.S. women beat Brazil to advance to the World Cup semifinals. Many U.S. sports fans are so excited they are considering actually watching a game.

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And real soccer fans had to love the whining afterwards, even though the U.S. won, about the bad calls.  An unreasonable red card, a questionable encroachment call, a goal that should have been waived off as offsides….   

It’s not that the calls may not have all been wrong, it’s that many of the bandwagon fans complaining had absolutely no idea what they were talking about.   

Reminds me of the Olympics and the ice skating competition, when suddenly the whole world is an expert on triple axels.

Ah well, the World Cup will soon be over and then most of them can go back to only worrying about red cards on Valentine’s Day.

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Although, really, a tying goal in the last few seconds of “extra time?”  The U.S.A. women are considering contacting the SF Giants to see if they can officially borrow that “Torture” slogan.

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And a random thought, if the U.S. ever joins up with Canada to form a team, can we all chant “U.S. Eh?”

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Hines Ward was arrested for a DUI Friday night, “Pacman” Jones was arrested at a bar Saturday night for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest…. Yep, looks like Ray Lewis was right about crime increasing during the NFL lockout.

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Monday will be a good television night for all women on the West Coast who fit into that Venn diagram by being fans of both sports and tacky reality shows – MLB’s Home Run Derby followed by “The Bachelorette.”

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Bristol Palin is the new voice of the abstinence movement. Isn’t this kind of like Newt Gingrich defending marriage?

(or as my friend Andy Dwan says,  Mike Tyson as the spokesperson for vegans.)

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Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says she doesn’t think there are enough GOP candidates for President.   But when asked if she will run Palin told Newsweek “I’m not so egotistical as to believe that it has to be me, but I do believe that I can win.” Okay, so Sarah’s not egotistical, she’s just bat sh*t crazy.

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Nice 5 for 5 from Derek Jeter Saturday when he got his 3,000 hit. The kind of performance that justified fans voting him to the All-Star game despite his 2011 batting average in the .250 range.

And the “Captain” rewards that loyalty by saying he’s not even going to show up in Phoenix -“it’s best not to try to push it.” Yet another example of why the Yankees are so beloved outside New York.

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President Obama is taking heat from the left and right during this debt ceiling crisis.   And really, how dare he?  The guy who campaigned as a moderate, is actually trying to govern as a moderate.

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The long national nightmare is over.

July 10, 2011

Derek Jeter finally got his 3000th hit. 

ESPN will just have to come up with a new headline story every night.

(Although Alex Rodriguez’s knee tear does give them a potential “A-Rod injury update” option.)

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Jeter has been around a few years. Well, more than a few. In fact, when he made his major league debut in 1995,  David Price, the Rays pitcher who gave up his 3,000th, (and made his own major league debut in 2008) was nine years old.

Jamie Moyer on the other hand , in 1995 was probably already gray.

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Many in the media are calling the guy who caught the home run ball that was Jeter’s 3000th hit an idiot for giving it back. Since he only got memorabilia and tickets in return. They say he could have made $500,000. But the tickets the Yankees gave them are in the Championship Suites section for the rest of the year. Their face value might be over $500,000.

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If Jeter got his 3000th hit on the same day of the Casey Anthony verdict, I think a lot of the East Coast media’s heads would have exploded.

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Congratulations to South Sudan, the world’s newest nation, on their Independence Day. Wonder how long it will take someone to offer them a bribe to vote on the next Olympics or FIFA World Cup?

During his U.S visit with his bride Kate/Catherine, Prince William took part in a charity polo match in Los Angeles Saturday. When asked about it, Sarah Palin remarked that it was amazing how they must have taught the horses how to swim.

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The Dodgers fired Steve Garvey, because while he was working for them he was also involved with another group trying to buy the team. Let’s see, Los Angeles was shocked by duplicity from a man who got two women pregnant in the same year he married a third woman.

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Meanwhile, Saturday the Dodgers beat the Padres 1-0 with a walk-off hit in the bottom of the ninth, after Los Angeles had been no-hit through eight. Three hits in the game combined for both teams. Okay, baseball fans. Could you have imagined such a display of pitching/offensive fuility, and the SF Giants weren’t involved?

From T.C. ,  On 7’6″ Yao Ming’s retirement.  “In Chinese, Yao Ming translates to – 1st to acknowledge rain.”

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The Prince and the Captain.

July 9, 2011

 

 

Many Los Angeles television viewers are annoyed at all the media coverage of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s visit; they don’t see the point in celebrating people who are only famous because of an accident of birth. Especially when the coverage pre-empts “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

 

The NCAA has officially accepted West Virginia’s self-imposed sanctions over football recruiting issues. Two years probation, whatever tha means, and NO post-season bowl ban. Good to know that despite the NFL lockout we still have professional football in this country.

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These days President Obama is being criticized by both the right and the left on his negotiations with Congress. About the only thing he could do to please both sides is figure out a way to keep Casey Anthony in jail longer.

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Michele Bachmann has now signed a 14-point pledge from the conservative Iowa Christian group “Family Leader.” The ninth pledge includes banning “all forms of pornography.” Well, this should get her the votes of about 10 men.

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The “Family Leader” pledge also includes a reference to America’s children as “the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy.”  Uh, does this mean for example Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edward’s love children don’t count?

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Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is retiring after nine NBA season. And in another illustration of why the 7’6″ center has been so beloved by fans, he didn’t announce the decision on an ESPN special.

(Alex Schubert said,  “Yao would have played longer if he hadn’t hit his head on the rim so many times.)

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Ohio State University just announced it is “vacating” all 10 wins from 2010 season and placing itself on two years’ probation.  Although the probation will not include any postseason bowl bans.

Why don’t we just place an asterisk on all these BCS trophies and be done with it?

R.I.P. Betty Ford. For years she was known as Gerald’s Ford’s wife. But history may well footnote him as her husband.

 

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Derek Jeter is two hits shy of 3000. Plans to celebrate at Yankee Stadium allegedly include trumpets blaring, with a modest little chorus of angels floating in from on high.

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Some think the ball that becomes Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit could be worth as much as $250,000 to the whoever ends up with it.  Well, considering that Jeter is hitting .257 this year with TWO home runs, it’s not likely that ball will end up with a fan in the stands.

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Michele Bachmann is starting to run her first television ad in Iowa, titled “Waterloo.” “Waterloo?” Really? The ad has guitar music playing in the backgroud. Guess it’s a good thing Bachmann couldn’t afford the rights to the ABBA Song. (I feel like I win when I lose, etc…)

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Milestones

July 8, 2011

Okay, who expected this? San Francisco fans on their feet Thursday night at A T and T Park for Barry Zito. (Without tar and feathers.)

 

Giants fans, it could be worse. Many thought the team should have signed slugger Adam  Dunn.  Dunn is now hitting .163 for the Chicago White Sox.

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Ringo Starr turned 71 Thursday. He’s still a good musician but the lyrics have changed a bit. For example “There are places I used to remember, in my life….”-

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Meanwhile, Hall of Fame baseball manager Dick Williams died Thursday at the age of 82. At least he lived to see that “nice young man” Jack McKeon become manager of the Marlins.

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Apparently in Charlie Sheen’s next TV show he will play an anger management counselor. Really? That seems about as fitting as Casey Anthony being named “Mother of the Year.”

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Kim Kardashian said the Casey Anthony verdict left her “speechless” and is upset because she feels a guilty killer will be walking free. Even Michele Bachmann is thinking “Girl, you have NO sense of history.”

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Casey Anthony will be freed from jail in six days. And guess what guys, she’s single. (My father adds “Plus no need to worry about supporting step-children.”)

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In his first two appearances since taking on a Gatorade cooler in Detroit, the Giants’ Brian Wilson pitched two scoreless innings Wednesday  (including striking out the side in his second inning of work, and pitched a perfect ninth Thursday.

Maybe squaring up a cooler will become part of his warmup exercises.

(T.C. says maybe Wilson should take on batting coach duties too.  For anyone who hasn’t seen the video, it was a pretty good hit.)

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John Boehner says there’s a 50-50 chance of a deal on the debt ceiling this week. And a 100 percent chance he will cry about the result either way.

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New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan, who led the Catholic Church’s fight against gay marriage in the state, says he’s worried that the next step in the marriage debate will be another redefinition to allow multiple partners and infidelity. Yeah, anything to avoid talking about pedophilia.

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Bill Clinton is comparing efforts by Republicans to change voting laws in many states to the old Jim Crow laws and poll taxes which once disenfranchised African American voters. Not true, responded a GOP spokesman; we are trying to disenfranchise all Democrats equally.

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To err is human, to forgive is divine profits?

July 7, 2011

 

 

So Nike seems to be into the concept of forgiveness and has offered Michael Vick an endorsement contract.  So when is Gatorade going to offer a similar endorsement deal to Brian Wilson?  Since he is only guilty of beating their cooler.

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The NBA, crying financial woes during their lockout, is disputing a NY Times blog post claiming the league is “fundamentally a healthy and profitable business.” Well, with all due respect, if things were that bad why would Joe Lacob have paid $450 million for the Warriors, one of the worst franchises in the league?

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Since the MLB precedent has been set for long names that accurately reflect a team’s situation, wouldn’t it be more appropriate to start referring to them as the “U.S. Bankruptcy Court Dodgers of Los Angeles”?

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Eliot Spitzer, who has been trying to rebuild his reputation after the scandal, has now had his CNN prime-time show cancelled. Well, maybe Nike will offer him an endorsement deal.

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Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley was ticketed for marijuana possesion and speeding in a Minneapolis suburb next week. He was allegedly clocked at 84 in a 65 mph zone. Maybe it’s a good thing he had the pot, otherwise Beasley might have been speeding at 100 mph.

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Lebron James is changing his annual bike-a-thon in his hometown of Akron, Ohio to focus on education. Here’s lesson one. If you grow up to be famous and have a big decision to make in your life, don’t announce it in a prime-time special.

 

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The 2018 Winter Olympics were awarded to Pyeongchang, South Korea. We know FIFA wasn’t involved as Qatar wasn’t even amongst the top vote-getters.

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A pet store in New York’s Greenwich Village has adopted a “no puppies for you” policy for drunks who have been at local happy hours. If a puppy buyer stumbles in and appears inebriated, store personnel  at “Le Petite Puppy” have been instructed to have them come back the next day when they are sober.

Shame the same standard can’t be applied before they stumble home and end up with unwanted pregnancies.

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Okay, who’s ready to join me in this pledge. And it’s okay to repost. “I solemnly swear, being of semi-sound mind at least, that I will not ever spend one nickel to buy any book or magazine or anything that puts money in Casey Anthony’s pockets.”

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Rush Limbaugh on the Casey Anthony case, talking about liberals – “when does the death of a child bother them? If the child had died in what, two years earlier in the womb, this woman would be a star, she’d be a hero.” Got to give Rush some credit, he makes Nancy Grace seem like a reasonable human being by comparison.

 

TSA spokesman Nicholas Kimball said today that passengers flying from multiple locations may encounter different reactions from security personnel because the agency intentionally tries to be “unpredictable.” Translation, when we screw up and miss something, “unpredictable” sounds better than “oh sh*t.”

 

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Augie says that Elton John, much as he did with rewriting “Candle in the Wind,” has answered the question of what the Queen of England should do singing her National Anthem.

Namely retitling the anthem “God Save All Queens.”

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We interrupt this blog for the Casey Anthony verdict…

July 6, 2011

The whole story isn’t really funny, but a little gallows humor might be in order. And even if it isn’t….

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Amazing acquittal in Florida. Of course, maybe it makes sense – this circus has dragged on so long that Casey Anthony now may qualify as a celebrity.

 

The television commentators were surprised that Anthony’s defense team didn’t move for her immediate release for time served.   But in their defense, the only motion they probably had ready was one for an appeal.

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So how long until Casey Anthony can go back out clubbing?

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Maybe years from now they can get Casey convicted for stealing something in Las Vegas.

 

Scariest thought on the Casey Anthony case. The way they are closing Planned Parenthood clinics, this young woman may have another baby soon.

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And another sick thought.  Florida is a truly bizarre place. The state currently has some very tight restrictions on abortion. If, however, you want to have the baby and kill it later….

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Roger Clemens’ perjury trial begins Wednesday in Washington, D.C. Unless his lawyers are successful in a last minute effort to get the trial moved to Florida.

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Meanwhile, while the nation processes the Casey Anthony verdict, we have this trivial little matter coming up about the debt ceiling and whether or not the U.S. might default on our government bonds.

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But back to less depressing matters….

The Wall Street Journal points out that only one San Francisco Giant, Aubrey Huff, is on pace for at least 50 RBIs this year. Most Giants fans who watch the team regularly are pretty shocked by that stat. They can’t imagine anyone on this team will have 50 RBIs.

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While in Canada’s Northwest Territories, Prince William of England made his first attempt at playing hockey. In a street game with local kids, the Prince took three unobstructed shots during a street game with local youths, but was unable to get the puck in the net. On the brighter side, afterwards, William was made an honorary Toronto Maple Leaf.

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A Stanford study shows that athletes’ performance improves when they sleep 10 hours of more a night. The SEC is interested in these results, and as far as giving their athletes more opportunities to sleep, may start encouraging them to go to class.

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Weird question of the day. What does the Queen of England sing during their National Anthem? “God save myself?”

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Fireworks etc.

July 4, 2011

from my friend Joe Salvatore, picture from Chris Aarcon.

And some belated Fourth of July holiday thoughts:

While the USA is a long way from perfect it is still one of a minority of countries in the world where you can post jokes about any politician or political party and not get harrassed or arrested.

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Wonder how they view the Fourth of July in Great Britain these days? My guess, kind of like you might view the anniversary of your spouse leaving you, if you’ve seen they have really let themselves go.

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Mitt Romney is in New Hampshire for Independence day. In honor of the various positions he has held over recent years, I wonder if he’s titled his remarks a “Back and Fourth of July” speech.

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The San Francisco Giants played a mid-afternoon game on July 4,  rather than an evening game which could have been followed by fireworks. The way the team’s hitting with runners on base has been going the Giants figured the fireworks would just get close to a big explosion and then fizzle out.

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If any visitor to the U.S. was watching television and didn’t know the history of July 4, he or she might think we have thought we were celebrating our independence from old mattresses with new ones half off.

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Joey Chestnut won Nathan’s 4th of July hot dog eating contest again. And at fast food restaurants across America shouts of “USA, USA” rang out.

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Joe Biden is now on Twitter. This news shocked Americans on both ends of the political spectrum. Biden is capable of getting any thought down to 140 characters?

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The latest euphemism for 2011, courtesy of John McCain, who says we’re not going to raise any Americans’ taxes, but there were certain “revenue raisers” we could work on….

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From Gary Morton, about several of Herman Cain’s campaign managers quitting.  “Should we call it the ‘Cain Mutiny.’?”

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Happy Fourth!

July 3, 2011

In 2011, Nathan’s will add a special “women-only” division for their annual hot dog eating contest. Maybe next year if they really want to get increased media attention they could add a “supermodel” category – the winner would be the first to finish a cocktail weiner.

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July 4th was always George W. Bush’s favorite holiday. He could always remember what day we celebrate it.

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A young man from Serbia has won Wimbledon, a young man from Northern Ireland won the U.S. Open. U.S. sports fans have to be happy it’s almost July 4. As the hot-dog eating contest might be the only championship this summer where Americans dominate.

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The Major League Baseball All-Star voting has been completed. And adding to American athletes’ lack of domination this summer, the number one vote-getter, Jose Batista, is a Dominican born player on a Canadian team.

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Congratulations to Cain, Lincecum, Wilson and Vogelsong. Giants All-Stars are appropriate for the season. Great pitchers. No hitters.

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In central New York, a man taking part in a motorcycle ride to protest helmet laws fell over the his handlebars, hit his head, and died.  While I feel sorry for his family, the guy might be the weekend’s first confirmed Darwin Award winner.

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The rape case against Dominique Strauss-Kahn is falling apart, and now there apparently is support in France for the former IMF head to run for President as the Socialist candidate.  Polls show him with a significant amount of support.

So let’s see, the man is married, has a history of affairs and other “incidents,” with women, and admits to consensual oral sex with a maid.  “How do I get dual French citizenship?” asked Bill Clinton. 

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Tacky time. The rumors about the Dominque Strauss-Kahn case are now that his accuser performed oral sex on the former IMR director, and then became upset when he wouldn’t pay her. If true, the moral of the story could be – “If you’re going to stiff the maid, don’t stiff the maid.”

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Meanwhile, back in the U.S., four of Herman Cain’s staffers on his presidential campaign have quit. Most Americans have one of two responses to this news – 1 – “Wow, that doesn’t speak well for his chances. 2 – “Who is Herman Cain?”

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Mitt Romney will spend the Independence Day holiday in New Hampshire.    In keeping with his political history and stances, wonder if he’ll give a “Back and Fourth of July” speech?

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It’s a funny game.

July 2, 2011

But tonight the Mariners aren’t laughing.  Seattle lost 1-0 tonight to the San Diego Padres.  The winning run was scored by Cameron Maybin, who had gotten on base by walking  on a 3-2 count. Not a pitch out of the strike zone after a 3-2 count.  A 3-2 count. The umpire lost track of the count, and the Mariners didn’t notice..

Guess this is karmic payback for the Mariners’ win 2-1 earlier this week on a wild pitch during an intentional walk. 

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Texas Rangers president and CEO Nolan Ryan said he would be in favor of realignment, including any plans that involve moving the Houston Astros into the American League with the Texas Rangers. 

Also in favor of that realignment, American League West teams who would get to play a number of regular season games every year against the Houston Astros.

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Just saw Nolan Ryan’s plaque at Cooperstown.  Turns out Nolan is actually his middle name.  Ryan’s real first name?  Lynn. 

Guess that explains why he was so mean on the mound.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Charlie Sheen revealed that he took steroids during the filming of ‘Major League’ in 1989.So, do they rename it ‘Major League*’?
 

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For anyone who saw Brian Wilson’s meltdown last night – (picture on yesterday’s blog post)  –  you might be pleased to know the Gatorade cooler survived.  And was back in action tonight, with several Band-Aids thoughtfully provided by one of Wilson’s Giants teammates.

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Burger King has started opening “Whopper Bars” that serve beer as well as food. Makes a fair amount of sense; drink enough beer and you won’t notice how bad the burgers taste.

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Not a  joke – U.S. Rep. Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) announced his candidacy for president of the United States on Saturday in his home state of Michigan. 

Guess McCotter is the perfect candidate for all those who think Jon Huntsman and Herman Cain are over-exposed.

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But really, “Thaddeus?”  Even President Obama is thinking,  “Now, that’s a funny first name.”

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Yes folks, there may be a city more P.C. than San Francisco.  Boulder, Colorado has now decided to ban candy, starting in early 2012, from all vending machines in city facilities.

Instead, the machines will have “healther options” — like granola, Clif Bars and baked chips.  (Although just a side note, a Clif Bar, for example, averages 240-250 calories, about as many as a Kit Kat bar or a package of M & M’s peanut candies.)

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Batting clean-up?

July 1, 2011

One of those pictures worth a thousand words.  Brian Wilson of the SF Giants after blowing consecutive saves for only the second time in his career.

 

The Giants did win 4-3 in extra innings.  But San Francisco starter Madison Bumgarner ended up with a no-decision, after 7 plus scoreless innings and nine strikeouts. 

One of many phrases I would like to nominate for retirement – “Another great pitching outing wasted due to the Giants lack of offense.”

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The team’s new slogan?  “San Francisco Giants – redefining torture since 2010.”

(and yes, I know, Cubs fans have NO sympathy.)

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Maria Shriver has filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wonder if Arnold married a Kennedy because he thought they were bred to overlook infidelity. if so he forgot about the concept of evolution.

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The SEC announced their top athletes of the year, and the male athlete was tennis player John-Patrick Smith, not Cam Newton. SEC commissioner Mike Slive called Smith an “outstanding example of what a student-athlete can accomplish, both on and off the field.” I guess even Slive had a hard time imagining referring to Cam Newton as a “student-athlete.”

(my friend Tony Banks adds – Cam Newton a student?  Fig Newton attended more classes.)

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Last week during the Nascar race at Sonoma, driver Tony Stewart intentionally spun fellow driver Brian Vickers because he felt the guy was blocking him. Then Vickers retaliated by wrecking Stewart’s car. And now Tony has vowed to wreck ANY driver who blocks him on the track. Charming. But NASCAR television ratings may go through the roof.

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Forget the Sprint Cup championship.  NASCAR may need to add a separate category for demolition derby.

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Another reason Americans might have had to celebrate Canada Day. This year the CFL may be the only professional football we get. (Well, outside of USC, Ohio State and the SEC.)

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Most Americans aren’t following the whole debt ceiling controversy in Washington, saying it’s too complicated to understand. On the other hand, many of those same Americans would have no trouble explaining the minutiae of the Casey Anthony case.

 

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Happy Canada Day.

July 1, 2011

Canada Day – formerly Dominion Day –  celebrates celebrating the anniversary of the July 1, 1867, enactment of the British North America/Constitution Act, uniting three former British colonies into one country. 

Just think, had the Constitution Act someone included Alaska, Sarah Palin would be their problem.

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Anyone else with a mean streak really want to hear some reporter ask Palin or Bachman about the origin of Canada day?

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Canada Day is marked by fireworks around the country.  Of course some of those fires may be from Canucks fans who are still getting over the Stanley Cup playoffs.

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The travel story of the day revolves around a Nigerian man who boarded and flew on a Virgin America flight from JFK to Los Angeles without a ticket. He used a fake boarding pass (from the wrong day) and an old expired student id.

The man was caught this week, by Delta Airlines, when he tried to fly using the same tactics to Atlanta. TSA never noticed either time.

But to their credit, TSA catches those four ounce bottles of water every time.

(And can speak from personal experience, at JFK they absolutely caught, and scolded me for, a pocket-sized kleenex in my jeans. Your tax dollars at work.)

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Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp, which actually owned MySpace, sold the company at a $545 million dollar LOSS. And it still might not have been as bad an overall deal as when he sold the Dodgers to Frank McCourt.

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While the Los Angeles Dodgers got approval Tuesday for $150 million bankruptcy financing arrangement, it turns out some team employees’ paychecks have already bounced. And the way the Dodgers are going, anything bounced isn’t likely to be caught.

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in an experiment that may be rolled out on a larger scale, four Starbucks coffee shops in the Seattle area now sell beer and wine. It’s known internally as Operation “And You Thought Our Coffee Was Expensive.”

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If the experiment catches on, we might find out the answer to a whole new question – just how many different ways can a person order a glass of wine?  And of course, especially when that person is in front of you in line.

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According to ESPN, apparently negotiations between NFL owners and players are moving “backwards.” And “optimism is waning.” I don’t know – season ticketholders in Cincinnati and Charlotte, for example, are thinking they might waste a whole lot less money this fall.

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No NFL and no NBA this fall? We could be looking at a baby boomlet next spring and summer. And/or a possible increase in the divorce rate.

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Mark Halperin was suspended from MSNBC, after he didn’t realize he was on air this morning and referred to President Barack Obama as a “d*ck.” Considering Halperin has been accused in the past of having a liberal bias, I can only imagine what he has said off air about Palin and Bachmann. .

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From Gary Morton:  Even though the Pope used an iPad to Tweet, the Catholic Church is not exactly the bastion of cutting-edge technology. In fact, before this week, the only hi-tech device that the Catholic Church was familiar with is the electronic ankle monitor.

 

 

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