Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

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4 / 20

April 20, 2011

Today is 4/20 which has become a semi official holiday for people to celebrate and consume marijuana. Of course, to do it properly, the holiday should be forgotten and then celebrated at least 24 hours after the fact.

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Meanwhile, on Tuesday night, the Dodgers bullpen gave up EIGHT runs in the top of the ninth inning against the Braves, turning a close 2-1 game into a rout. But thanks to the Kings blowing a four goal lead against the Sharks, the Dodgers weren’t even the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles of the evening.

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Oakland shut out the Boston Red Sox 5-0 tonight, despite committing their major league leading 19th error of the season. Should we start referring to them as the Oakland “E”s?

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The NFL released their 2011 schedule. Considering how far apart the two sides seem in terms of a settlement, isn’t this about as realistic as the New York Mets offering a plan that would guarantee the ability of fans to purchase playoff tickets?

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Bob Knight has apologized to the University of Kentucky and coach John Calipari, after claiming that several of the Wildcats’ players did not attend spring semester classes last year.

What Bob’s apology said was shouldn’t have made it (his slam against one-and-dones)  personal to Kentucky.”  What Knight no doubt thought was he shouldn’t have qualified the statement with “spring semester.”

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Today GOP House members issued a contract to pay former Solicitor General Paul Clement $575 an hour, with a $500,000 cap, to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act. I’m waiting for the Tea Party outrage.

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Donald Trump says the ‘last person’ Obama wants to run against is Donald Trump. Well, and yes, since President Obama would be limited to two terms I think he would LOVE the last person he runs against to be Trump.

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The unemployment rate fell in two-thirds of the nation’s states last month, as again private employers added more than 200,000 jobs. Many Republicans were dismayed, however, because the more new jobs, the less chance that Obama loses his.

Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s soon-to-be ex-wife, has won her latest custody battle with Sheen. Mueller herself allegedly bought crack cocaine from a street corner drug dealer last week. Open question to conservative “family values” types – can a loving gay couple possibly be a worse choice for parenting than these two clowns?

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Trumped?

April 19, 2011

Donald Trump said recently he has “good relationships with the blacks.” Amazing that he didn’t add “Some of my best friends are black.”

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And what exactly did that sentence mean?  Is he talking about Knicks season tickets?

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Can hardly wait to hear what Trump says about Latinos.

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Trump also says he could tell OPEC to lower crude oil prices, insisting that prices “will go down if you say it properly.”    And he says Obama lives in a world of make-believe?

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A former Sarah Palin aide will release his tell-all book “Blind Allegiance” in May. Author Frank Bailey is not, however, worried about being sued. To sue him Sarah would actually have to read it.

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‎ “Western New England College”, with 3700 students,  has announced they will become “Western New England University” on July 1. The institution immediately received calls from several SEC schools hoping to play them in football.

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Glenn Beck announced that he has sold his Connecticut mansion and will be leaving the New York City area. For many New Yorkers, this almost makes up for the Mets.

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Reds’ pitcher Mike Leake was arrested in Cincinnati (for shoplifting.) No word on if manager Dusty Baker will suspend him, but in related news Leake was just declared an honorary Bengal.

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And on the brighter side for Leake, he’s already had some interest in a date from both Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan.

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The alleged shoplifting was for six shirts, totaling less than $60 at Macy’s.  At least Leake wasn’t shopping at Neiman Marcus, where six shirts would easily total up to grand larceny.

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Out-of-state students at the University of California pay more than $23,000 more a year than in-state students. And this year 18 % of admitted freshmen are from out of state. Wonder how long it will take the tea-partiers to suggest the schools need to stop accepting kids from California.

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An air traffic controller was suspended for watching a movie on his DVD player while on duty, the crime thriller “Cleaner.” In his defense, the controller said he was just trying to stay awake.
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Today is “Patriot’s Day,” a holiday observed in Massachusetts and Maine to mark the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord in 1775. Meanwhile, Michele Bachman allegedly tried to celebrate the event in New Hampshire.
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer on Monday vetoed a bill that would have required President Barack Obama and other presidential candidates to prove their U.S. citizenship before their names could appear on the state’s ballot.
So yes, that answers a question many have asked  – is there anything that’s too crazy for Arizona?
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And guess her veto means Brewer has no interest in running on a ticket in 2012 with Donald Trump.
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Augie’s comment on Nicholas Cage, Charlie Sheen and Ann Coulter teaming up for a movie version of “Two and a Half Men”  –  “Who’s the half man?”
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You think just maybe the Miami Heat watched the Spurs-Grizzlies and Lakers-Hornets games yesterday? Or at least saw the scores?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

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The verdict:

April 14, 2011

We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron’s record really thought he was clean?

My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband.

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So how long until someone tries to allege Brian Wilson’s beard is a PED – performance enhancing device?

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Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “In it to win it.”

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A T & T is sending out a new free magazine, with the caption on the front  – “See the many ways A T & T is committed to serving our Northern California customers.”

Here’s a suggestion for the phone company:  Can the magazine, save the money, and use it to upgrade your coverage.

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Okay, I’ll take Kobe Bryant at his word that he’s not a homophobe and the slur he muttered against a referee (rhymes with sucking maggot), “came strictly out of anger and shouldn’t be taken literally.” But just wonder how Byrant would have reacted had a referee “strictly out of anger” insulted him with the “n” word.

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A Washington state couple has been arrested and charged with with keeping their 6 and 7 year old children in a cage. What kind of monsters use a cage for young children? For teenagers, maybe.

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AL MVP Josh Hamilton will be out for six to eight weeks with a fracture in his arm he sustained by sliding into home plate. Well, at least this is one misfortune that is unlikely to befall the 2011 Red Sox – their players are rarely running from third to home.

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Back to Barry:  So is one of the other verdicts of the Bonds trial that chicks who dug the long ball ended up with guys with small balls?

And before we breathe a sigh of relief; while THIS trial is over, since it was a hung jury, federal prosecutors and the Justice Department will have to decide whether to retry Bonds on the unresolved counts. Uh, can we be done now?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit.His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds”

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If they do retry Barry Bonds, or when they have the  Roger Clemens trial, I have one wish: Will someone PLEASE call Bud Selig to the stand and ask him under oath about his statements that he had no idea MLB had a Performance Enhancing Drug problem?

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Ever get the sense we’re all unpaid extras in Trump’s new “reality’ show – “Who Wants to be a Presidential Candidate?”

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Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is sort of running for the GOP Presidential nomination, though he hasn’t made it official. The hang up – he’s trying to think of a better slogan than “I’m not as crazy as the rest of them.”

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Loserville:

April 8, 2011

The Cubs have started 3-3. But at Wrigley Field the attendance on Monday was 26,292, the lowest since 2002. Normally there aren’t so many empty seats at Wrigley until the whole place is empty in October.

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Natalie Portman said in an interview “I’m too old to be a stoner.”
“Speak for yourself, honey,” responded Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy three times, now he’s so concerned about President Obama’s birth that he says he’s sent a team of investigators to Hawaii “in hopes of getting to the bottom of the issue.” And this is the man who hopes to convince Americans he should be the one to oversee government spending?

Regarding “The Donald’s” potential presidential bid, Bill Cosby told Meredith Vieira on the “Today” show that Trump should “run or shut up.” Some of us wish he would do both.

 

The 2011 Boston Red Sox payroll is over $161 million, and the team is 0-6. With that kind of pay to performance ratio the Sox should be the official team of the U.S. Congress.

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The trip to Italy for the cast of Jersey Shore has been postponed. Many things apparently have to be negotiated first. Including America’s non-aggression pact with Italy.

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For those who wonder, how could Lebron James have grown up so clueless and self-absorbed,  here’s a story: Lebron’s mother was arrested by Miami Beach police after she reportedly assaulted a valet because it was taking too long to have her car delivered.

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Bill Littlejohn, with a variation on the above  incident.   LeBron James has become a minority owner of Liverpoll FC..  Scotland Yard had this reaction:  “Soccer hooligans, we can handle. Just tell him to please don’t bring his mother.”

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President Obama said Wednesday night there was “no reason” not to come to a deal and avoid a budget shutdown. Alas, when in recent memory has reason had anything to do with it?

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Once again, how can you write a punchline? And how can you make stuff like this up? Fox News hose Bill O’Reilly, talking about potential budgets cuts for “non-vital” programs: “Nodody’s life is affected by NPR. Nobody’s life is affected by Planned Parenthood. These are options.”  (Yes, he said this.)

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Augie’s comment about Ann Coulter coming to San Francisco.  Wonder if she’ll be speaking  at the
Y-M-C-A.?   I hear there’s a run on the Village People costumes. “

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Final six.

March 29, 2011

The Stanford women’s basketball team was shooting over 60 percent from the floor night late into the second half, and ended up with a .574 shooting percentage. If you were watching boys, this is how it’s done.

And the Stanford women turned out to be the very first #1 ranked team in their bracket, for men or women, to advance to the NCAA basketball final four.

But really this has  been a weird year. The last time things turned out so bizarrely for seeds, a beanstalk and giant were involved.

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Barry Bonds’ trial is getting tawdrier and tawdrier, now with testimony from his ex-mistress about Bonds’ sexual performance, and the changing shape of his “privates.” And we thought the Clinton impeachment trial with thongs and cigars was TMI.

Bonds’ defense team’s tried to discredit his former girlfriend’s testimony by asking how, if he was suffering from E.D., he could have these other mistresses she complained about?. And to think it was not that long ago that parents just worried about keeping their young sports fans away from the SI swimsuit issue.

Unfortunate timing for sportswriters and editors that the Bonds trial is going on at the same time that these “small ball” teams are in the NCAA Final Four.

The New York Knicks won their first game after six losses and are now 8-12 since they traded for Carmelo Anthony.   At this point the team’s motto has to be  “Thank heaven for the Miami Heat.”

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Carmelo Anthony said after the overtime win “We had the will to win.”   Knicks season ticketholders have to be thinking… okay and the rest of the season?

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Whole Foods has opened a dozen small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

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With all the talk about VCU and Butler, many have forgotten that coach John Calipari could be setting a record of his own. If the NCAA discovers anything in future regarding rules violations at Kentucky, Calipari could be the first coach in history to forfeit Final Four appearances with three different teams.

Donald Trump now says that, “a lot of facts are emerging” that are making him question more seriously where Obama was born. “A lot of facts” translates to “Birthers apparently vote in the GOP primaries.”

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Rats.

February 16, 2011

Larry, the newest member of the British Government.

Apparently British Prime Minister David Cameron has yielded to his children’s pleas, along with requests from his staff who have seen several large rats,  and adopted a “predatory” cat whose job it will be to rid his office of vermin.

President Obama just wishes there was a cat who had the the same potential with lobbyists.

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Donald Trump is burnishing his Conservative credentials in preparation for a possible 2012 run for the Presidency. Which include stating that he is against gay-marriage. Instead “The Donald” believes that marriage should be a sacred union between a man and a series of progressively younger women.

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Donald Trump said that New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon wants him to buy part of the club but he declined. So let’s see, Trump is arrogant enough to think he can run for President and fix the United States, but not so arrogant as to think he can fix the Mets?.

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After months of posturing from both sides Roger Goodell now says labor talks must accelerate to avert a strike. Sounds like the NFL is taking the same advance planning approach to a potential shutdown as the Cowboys did with those extra Super Bowl seats.

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The St. Louis Cardinals have reportedly offered Albert Pujols $200 million for eight years, but Pujols may turn it down because it isn’t as high per year as A-Rod’s 10 year $275 million contract. So can someone explain to me exactly what you can buy with $275 million that you can’t buy with $200 million?

(Responded my friend, Jerry Perisho – “Kate Hudson.”  Although I think A-Rod only rented her.)

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A recent survery of likely GOP primary voters in 2012 saids that 51% of them think President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. 28 % think he was born here, 21 % aren’t sure. Maybe it’s time to change the song “God Bless America,” to “God Help America.”

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Probable 2012 Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Monday that for him the issue of abortion “transcends” all other pressing concerns facing the country.

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While good people can disagree on choice, its amazing how many of those who believe banning abortion is the MOST important issue are financially secure men with healthcare and jobs.

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