Posted tagged ‘Tiger Woods jokes’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Moving on.

September 8, 2010

Regarding that Florida church and the Quran. Anyone who wants to demonstrate their First Amendment rights by burning a book is unclear on the concept.

–

The Redskins are apparently in talks to trade Albert Haynesworth. This after the defensive tackle failed numerous conditioning tests and apparently has been just “awful” with a bad attitude in preseason games. At this point the only way Haynesworth could be less popular in Washington is to be part of Congress.

–
The team most interested in Haynesworth apparently is his old team, Tennessee. But based on Albert’s performance and attitude lately bringing him back to Nashville could be a disaster of “Titanic” proportions.

–
Fired HP CEO Mark Hurd, who just received $12 million PLUS stock options as part of his severance package, has now agreed to join Oracle as a co-president, no doubt for another eight-figure salary plus stock package. And these ex-CEO’s running for office wonder why many voters question their ability to relate to the average American.

–
Actually with Hurd and Ellison in the same boardroom, the fastest way to make a lot of money in Silicon Valley for an attractive woman might be to hire on at Oracle as an executive-assistant. Seems like good odds on being able to file for sexual harrassment.
–

Tuesday morning hangover for the BCS. Since Boise State didn’t fold on national TV and lose to Virginia Tech, this potentially means one less BCS bowl opening for the SEC or Notre Dame. Oh, the horror.

–

So the Heisman Trophy Trust might make Reggie Bush the first person to be stripped of his trophy. What can we learn from this? Killing two people pales in comparison to taking gifts and getting USC put on probation.

–
Manny Ramirez was slightly injured in Tuesday’s White Sox loss to the Tigers. Of course at this point in the season the team doctor may just put Manny on bedrest for his third trimester.

–

Tiger Woods has been named to the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Well, makes sense, one thing he has shown he can do this past year is “Ryder.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Winners and losers.

September 1, 2010

While shooting out of the rough, a Southern California golfer had his club accidentally strike a rock. This caused a spark that lit the grass on fire, resulting in a 12 acre blaze. It might turn out to be most expensive incident involving a golf club since Elin took after Tiger.

–
San Jose State’s football team is travelling to play Alabama Saturday. The tradeoff – be a punching bag in exchange for a $1 million payday. Talk about taking one for the team, this time the team is taking one for the school.

–
But really, being paid $1 million dollars to be humiliated. Normally this only happens to players who sign with the Cubs.

(or for Canadian readers, the Maple Leafs.)

–
Bristol Palin will be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars.” In the meantime, her mother continues with the ongoing reality show “Dancing with the Truth.”

–

Cleveland Browns’ tackle Shaun Rogers will be fined about $400,000 for accidentally having a semi-automatic handgun in his carry-on bag at the airport. All over America women are showing their husbands this story and saying “And you give me crap about not knowing what’s in MY purse?”

–
Lindsay Lohan says she “wants her career back.” Give Lindsay and Paris Hilton some credit, before they showed up, the Department of Labor didn’t realize “skank” was a job description.

(Although it seems to be one that is growing even in a bad economy.)

–

from t.c.

Manny Ramirez was in uniform tonight and ready to take on his new role as White Sox DH – designated headcase.

–
Between A.J. Pierzynski, Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox aren’t just a team, they’re a psychology lab project.

They may not make the playoffs but they’re on the American Psychiatric Association All-Stars.

–

A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord.

I don’t know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident.

–
Donovan McNabb may be injured and unable to start the Redskins season opener. Which means they would start the season with quarterback… Rex Grossman. If true, Washingtonians wouldn’t care WHAT religion Obama was, if the President was praying to a God who could make that work.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Big tent?

August 26, 2010

Larry Craig, California State Senator Roy Ashburn, Ken Mehlman…. The GOP may or may not have that “Big Tent.” But they sure have a big closet.

–
Ken Mehlman, former RNC chair and director of President Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign, came out of the closet, and said he will become a gay rights advocate. So Mehlman spent the first 44 years of his life being ashamed of his homosexuality, now he can spend the rest of his life being ashamed of having helped re-elect George W?

–
Mehlman, said of his coming out “It’s something I wish I had done years ago.” And millions of gay Americans who faced discrimination during the Bush years added “Not half as much was we do.”

–

Regarding Melman’s saying he wants to become a gay rights advocate.. isn’t that like…

Jon Gosselin writing a parenting book?

Newt Gringrich espousing family values?

John Edwards defending traditional marriage?

Bristol Palin promoting abstinence?

Oops, never mind.

–
One of the reasons Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston for a second time was that she said he only cared about being in the media limelight. No doubt we will hear more about that from Bristol now that she has signed up to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”

–
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league plans to expand to an 18 game regular season in 2012. That is, if they can prove that for Detroit Lions fans, 18 games isn’t a violation of the Geneva convention.

–
Elin Nordegren said she never hit Tiger Woods on the night of his car crash. Sounds like her aim is about as good as her ex-husband’s has been lately.

–
Stephen Strasburg will apparently be shut down for the year. Well, his season lasted longer than the Cubs’.

–

Rick Scott, who spent $38 million of his own money to win the Florida Republican senate primary,, says there is no limit on what he will spend to win the general election. Scoffed Meg Whitman in California, “everything’s cheaper in Florida.”

–

Bill Littlejohn noted that Dennis Rodman says he has had sex with 2000, which figures as he was always about 10 percent the player Wilt was.

(Wonder how many of those 2000 women were lesbians?)

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Moving on, or not…

August 25, 2010

The NFL fined Ochocinco $25,000 for two Twitter violations during the Bengals-Eagles preseason game. Well, good to see the Cincinnati receiver is in midseason form.

–
Tiger Woods’ now ex-wife Elin was featured on the cover of People Magazine for what she said was her first and last interview. Well, at least until someone makes her a better offer.

(Nothing against Elin here, who probably had no idea quite what she was getting into with Woods….but on the other hand, expecting a quiet, private life being married to the most famous golfer in the world, who had a playboy reputation as a single man. Well, let’s just say that Hillary Clinton had to be thinking, “Yeah, right, honey.”)

–
–
To err is human, to forgive apparently is not Johnny Damon’s policy.

–
Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner: “OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”

Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”

–
The SF Giants scored 12 runs Monday and 16 runs Tuesday against Cincinnati. Since when did the Reds’ pitching staff get replaced by the Bengals defense?

–
In Alaska, Gulf War veteran Joe Miller has about a 1900 vote lead over Senator Lisa Murkowski in the GOP primary. He says Sarah Palin’s endorsement was “pivotal.” Of course, that could mean without her endorsement he’d be ahead by 10,000 votes.

But really, 1900 votes in a statewide race? In California that’s the approximate total every election of voters who write in “Mickey Mouse.”

–

Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, is coming out with a book on parenting advice. Wouldn’t that be kind of like buying a book on decision making from Brett Favre?

–
Miss Mexico won the Miss Universe title. The other contestants congratulated her and in a display of customary pageant sportsmanship immediately then tried to have her deported.

–
Google announced Wednesday that they will compete with Skype by allowing Gmail users will be able to make free phone calls to the U.S. and Canada from within the e-mail service. Said most Gmail users under 25… what’s a phone call?

–
Sean Connery is 80. Which means 007 now takes his martinis “shaken not stirred,” or was it “stirred not shaken”, or, was it….. “Hell, just give me some vodka.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Goodbye Sweet Lou…

August 23, 2010

A quick note up front, if these jokes seem more lame than usual this week I am out of the country on vacation, although thanks to the sporting and political worlds (and great friends and readers) for providing me with material in the limited time I have to post this blog this week.

–
Lou Pinella abruptly quit the Cubs to spend time with his ailing mother. Can you blame him? Considering the season the Cubs are having, given the chance to manage the team, many men would think it would be preferable to spend time with their sullen teenagers.
–

Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate.

–
Oklahoma City Thunder center Nenad Krstic thinks he might be suspended for the World Championships in Istanbul because he threw a chair during in a bench-clearing brawl during Serbia’s game against Greece. On the other hand, he’s been offered a one-on-one reality TV special with Bobby Knight.

–
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced through their lawyers that they are officially divorced, and that “once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure (our children’s) future well-being.

Translation of “amicable” – no golf clubs were involved.

–
A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of “Go Topless” day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with.

–
from Alex Kaseberg:

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.

–
Pratt hasn’t actually started writing the book yet, but he has gone so far as to ask former President George W. Bush for his suggestion as to the best brand of crayons.

–
–

from Jim Barach: Senator John McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday that he hasn’t changed his positions on issues like immigration, taxes and climate change as he has been accused of doing.

He said at his age it’s just getting harder to remember all the issues in the first place.

–
In the Sacramento Rivercats “Battle of the Bobbleheads,” the 1250 Meg Whitman bobblehead giveaways lasted a few minutes less than the 1250 Jerry Brown bobbleheads. Which either means slightly more fans preferred Whitman, or they preferred to get her bobblehead for target practice.
–

As these demonstrations against building new Mosques spread across the United States, most recently to Tennessee and Southern California, it’s becoming more clear that some people’s idea of “too near to Ground Zero” means “anywhere on the same continent.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Onamatopoeia and beyond.

August 15, 2010

Onomatopoeia – words that sound like what they mean. Add to the list – the movie “Expendables.”

–
Toby Gerhart was rusty from having skipped spring practice to finish classes and graduate from Stanford. But he had 24 yards in eight carries in his first pre-season game against the St. Louis Rams. Pretty respectable, but now we’ll have to see how Gerhart does against real professional opposition.

–
The Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez apologized to his teammates and fans on Saturday for his arrest resulting from the fight he had at Citi Field with his father-in-law. Now New York fans are just waiting for manager Jerry Manuel and GM Omar Minaya to apologize for the Mets

–
Television ratings are plummeting for the PGA tour this year. Who knew that in terms of viewers, the only difference between Major League Soccer and professional golf might turn out to have been Tiger Woods?
—

JaMarcus Russell may not be an Oakland Raider anymore, but he still is dealing with issues from his arrest for using codeine syrup? Codeine syrup? As in Cheracol? What my mother used to give us for colds? The guy can’t even do drugs at a major league level.

–
A recent study in Australia discovered that patients more often preferred boring pills over antioxidant-rich dark chocolate to help control their blood pressure. Hmm, maybe they should try the survey again and actually include some women?

–
While the SF Giants beat the San Diego Padres 3-2 in 11 innings Sunday, the team is still doing a horrible job of hitting with men on base. In fact, the Giants are stranding so these days that the theme song at A T and T park may have to be switched to “Gilligan’s Island…” (“A three-hour tour….”)

–
The Miss University pageant this year had an official photo shoot in Las Vegas, where several of the contestants posed topless and in body paint.

While the pageant has received some criticism for the photos being too racy, most men polled said they would reserve judgment until they had further examined the evidence.

–
This week, Venice got their first licensed female gondolier in the city’s history. Georgia Boscolo, 24, will also soon become the first gondolier to get lost and actually ask for directions.

–
Meg Whitman has now spent $104 million of her own money to try to become Governor of California. The saddest thing, all kidding aside, is that with that kind of $$ you could buy real change, scholarships for needy students, childcare for working mothers, even startup money for young entrepreneurs….instead of being another failed wannabe politician.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Reality, what reality?

August 11, 2010

Let’s get the really tacky one out of the way.. Anyone with delicate sensibilities please skip the first one (although in that case, what are you doing reading this blog anyway?)

Phil Mickelson says he’s being treated for arthritis. Guess he and Tiger both have had problems this year spending too much time being stiff.

–
New USC coach Lane Kiffin has apparently suspended one of the top stars on his team, freshman running back Dillon Baxter, for the team’s season opener against Hawaii on Sept. 2. Well, that ought to get the spread down under 50.

–
Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will apparently be charged with assault after a postgame fight which resulted in his father-in-law being taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Unfortunate, but New York fans knew it had to be a pitcher in that situation…Mets batters couldn’t hit anyone.

–
From Marc Ragovin, “I’m not saying Mets manager Jerry Manuel — who is likely to be fired at season’s end — is planning to go out with a bang, but word is he spent all day yesterday playing with his grandkids’ water slide.”

–

The jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial might be deadlocked. You know what that means….the former Illinois governor could wind up doing less time than Lindsay Lohan.

–
A contractor hired to paint the word “school” on the road near a High School in North Carolina made it a “shcool” zone. Well, I guess that answers that question – “Whatever happened to Dan Quayle?”

–

California Senate candidate and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says that U.S. corporations are better at creating jobs without government intervention. Yeah, but based on her tenure at HP, they are better at creating them in India and China.

–
Chris Bosh said he was surprised by the negative reaction to LeBron’s primetime special. “I didn’t really see it coming.” Are you kidding Chris? Even Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming.

Reality show “stars” Michele and Jim Bob Duggars, whose 19th child was born three months premature and almost died, have said they would like a 20th child. “Are you nuts?” commented the Octomom.

(But really, 20? Are they trying to complete a family or win at blackjack?)

–

A man has been sentenced to six months in jail for fondling a maternity nurse who was wheeling the man’s pregnant girlfriend to the delivery room. That Levi Johnston sure keeps busy.

–

Qantas Airways of Australia posted a 4.3 percent drop (from 117 million down to $AU 112 million), in their annual profit for the year ending in June 2010, Said U.S. airlines… what’s an annual profit?

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

What a wildlife fund….

July 1, 2010

According to a London tabloid, Tiger Woods has reportedly agreed to pay at least $750 million to his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, as a divorce settlement. “Dude, that’s a LOT of diamond rings,” responded Kobe Bryant.

–
$750 million? Is that a world record sum for tiger protection?

–
No World Cup games Wednesday or Thursday. Which means since the U.S. was eliminated, ESPN soccer viewership is about the same as it’s been all week.
–
From a television viewpoint, semi-seriously, here’s the problem with upsets at Wimbledon and the World Cup. If it’s March Madness, an upset either makes someone’s brack look good, or salvages at least at tenative tie for those whose favorites are out. In tennis or soccer its simply “Okay, that means one more future match between someone or some team I have never heard of.”

–

In the San Francisco area, a new policy on the Bay Bridge means that tolls will now be $5 on the weekends, $6 during rush-hour, and $4 during off-peak weekday hours. And this in theory means more revenue without any appreciable extra time.

First there is the whole potential change issue. Which anyone who has ever put in a penny for a bill ending in 26 cents, or given a clerk $11 for a $6 charge to get a $5 bill back, will understand. And then there is the potential last minute scramble for an extra dollar, and of course the potential arguments from idiots who think their watch is more accurate than the Bridge’s clock. Sure, nothing can go wrong, wrong, wrong….

–

The Giants traded slumping catcher Bengie Molina to the Texas Rangers Wednesday night. Which means that in July there should be no discernable difference in the RBI total Molina had for San Francisco in May and June.

–
After their quick exit at the World Cup, the Nigerian president has suspended the national soccer team from international competition for two years. Now that he’s dealt with the country’s serious problems, you think maybe the president could do something about those poor princes?

–
The Nigerian president suspended their national soccer team for two years for their dismal performance. Meanwhile, at the University of Michigan, football coach Rich Rodriguez is hoping the university president doesn’t hear about this.

(for any readers, please feel free to substitute USC and Lane Kiffin, or the NFL and the Detroit Lions, etc.)

–

Ohio Representative John Boehner compared the banking reform bill to “killing an ant with a nuclear weapon.” Clearly the man has not been at a ruined holiday picnic, where many people would nuke ants in a minute given the opportunity.

–
Actually, Boehner’s comment that Congress’s financial reform package was like “killing an ant with a nuclear weapon,” was not his first choice. He thought of saying “like killing an ant with an AK-47.” But then realized that his supporters in the NRA have no problem with that.
–

George Lucas’ company “Lucasfilm” lost a wrongful termination suit Wednesday for withdrawing a job offer from a San Francisco woman after she disclosed that she was expecting a baby. To be fair, the geek-driven company with a history of producing high-tech, science-fiction blockbusters, may have had a little bit of a problem with the concept of how anyone gets pregnant.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Last Golfer Standing?

June 21, 2010

At Pebble Beach, Northern Ireland’s Graeme McDowell was first, France’s Gregory Havret was second, and South Africa’s Ernie Els was first. Who’d a thunk that this week Americans might have had a better week at the World Cup than our own U.S. Open?

–
If they make a documentary about this year’s U.S. Open, will it be titled “Last Golfer Standing?”

–
Golf may not be the world’s most exciting spectator sport. But it has some good points. And maybe this week one stands out. Two words – “NO VUVUZELAS.”

–
The Florida Marlins and Tampa Rays complained mightily after a free mini-vuvuzela giveaway in Miami meant that players from both teams and umpires had to wear earplugs, and they still couldn’t have conversations on the field and in the dugout. But Marlins management apparently hadn’t anticipated any problems.

Even BP executives said, how could you not see that coming?

–
A question for Texas congressman, Joe Barton, who apologized to BP. Would he have made the same apology if say, the disaster had been an out-of-control major fire started at a solar energy plant?

–
Poor Dustin Johnson, the Saturday leader, shot 11 over par in the final round of the U.S. Open. That’s the worst performance by a professional athlete on Sunday in recent memory. Well, not involving JaMarcus Russell

–
So football has a computer-generated yellow line on television for years, so viewers can see where a team needs to go to get a first down. How hard would it be for golf to put a yellow ring around the cup, so viewers can actually see where a player is aiming?

–
You figure Kobe Bryant had to be rooting for Tiger Woods, especially after Tiger shot a 66 to move into contention. Because then at least Kobe wouldn’t be a slam dunk for the award for the biggest jerk to win a championship this week.

–
Actually, maybe we should feel sorry for Tiger. What if sex for him really was a performance enhancing drug?

–
After striker Nicolas Anelka’s was expelled from the team and sent home for a tantrum, the rest of the French team refused to practice Sunday. Wonder why his teammates were so upset, they are likely to be following him back to France very shortly

–

Well, as long as the NBA playoffs go, at least we have reason to think they won’t extend any longer into June in future. Because then they would conflict with the busiest day of the year for NBA players – Father’s Day.

–

Well, it’s not on the level of BP’s public relations disasters, but…. British Airway’s “UNITE” cabin crew has staged a series of strikes this year that have caused travel nightmares for thousands. During the most recent strike, however, union leader Tony Woodley took his own vacation with his wife to Cyprus. He flew EasyJet..

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad World Cup.

June 15, 2010

–
How we know for sure the major U.S. networks don’t consider the World Cup a major draw for American viewers? The games aren’t being shown tape-delayed, especially on the West Coast.

–
Actually apropos of nothing, wonder how many more Americans would watch the World Cup if it coincided with “Happy Hour?”

–

Japan won their opening match against Cameroon 1 to 0. This elicted two responses from most Japanese sports fans. 1. “This is great news.” 2. “What’s the World Cup?”

–

It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.

–
When political prisoners were allowed to watch the World Cup matches with the sound on high, rumor has it many said “I’d rather be waterboarded.”

–

A British tabloid reports that a TV documentary later this week will allege Tiger Woods had a “secret love child” and that DNA evidence supports their claim.

If true this could be be the most expensive Tiger cub in history.

–

The Saints are hoping that the USC investigation and probation doesn’t become a distraction for Reggie Bush. But Bush says, not to worry, he is good at keeping off-field issues separate from his role on the team. For example, after he was drafted, he didn’t sulk at all when he took a pay cut by signing that first New Orleans contract.

–
The University of Texas on Monday has announced they are staying in the Big 12, with a press conference called for tomorrow. Translation, they are working out how to put the most admirable spin on the fact “the other conferences didn’t offer us enough money.

–
Kobe Bryant apparently called out his Lakers teammates after their game 5 loss to the Celtics. This was a change… Kobe realizes he HAS teammates?

–
from Marc Ragovin, might be more true than funny: “The British media is killing goalie Robert Green for the soft goal he let in during the US/England World Cup game. Which might be a bit harsh. Its not like he’s responsible for destroying another country’s entire ecosystem or anything.”

–
on a lighter World Cup note, from Alex Kaseberg: “A doctor told the Argentina men’s soccer team it’s OK to have sex during the World Cup. This isn’t going to endear soccer to homophobic American sports fans. Oh, they can have sex with their wives or girlfriends? Oh, sorry.”

–
President Obama said today that “Gulf seafood was safe to eat.” Suppose this could make sense. If oil was always a poison, KFC wouldn’t have any customers left alive.

–
There’s a report out that California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman shoved an employee during a dispute while she was CEO of Ebay, and the incident was resolved with an undisclosed settlement. In related news, Jerry Brown is no longer going to use the term “take the gloves off” regarding any future debates.

–
Sarah Palin has announced that she plans to go to England and hopes to meet with Maggie Thatcher. Palin says she really wants to talk to Thatcher about what she did for the country, and how she liked living in Buckingham Palace.

–
California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina is standing by her statement that people on the government “no-fly” list should be able to purchase guns. She says she doesn’t want to take rights away from people who might be on that list mistakenly.. Brave words from a woman who travels by corporate jet.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

The Giants offense and other jokes.

May 25, 2010

Anyone else think that just MAYBE the Giants are carrying this effort to prove their team doesn’t take PED’s in the post-Bonds era just a little too far?

–
Press release from the San Francisco Giants: The team wishes to make one thing clear – despite rumors they do indeed believe they can hit water if they fall out of a boat.

–
New York is currently the favorite for hosting the 2014 Super Bowl. City residents are thrilled -tickets are likely to cost less than a Yankees home game.

–

Orlando pulled out an overtime win against Boston to avoid being swept in the NBA Eastern Conference finals. So at least the team avoided a Magic performance that was almost as dismal as the last show of Siegfried and Roy.

–
Just how painful has watching the Celtics-Magic matchup been for Orlando fans? Most of them said, given a choice, they might actually wish instead to be stuck on Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride.

–

Jennifer Hudson is featured on the cover of the latest issue of People Magazine showing off her new shape. The singer-actress has dropped from a size 16 to a 6. Some say it’s the most amazing loss of useless flab since the Raiders cut Jamarcus Russell.

–
U.S. Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin said that Tiger Woods would not be an “automatic” pick for the team. That’s odd, I thought what Tiger proved he did best this past year was “Ryder.”

–

The Phoenix Suns’ Steve Nash, 36, who’s already played one game with an eye swollen shut, will now have surgery to repair a broken nose he suffered in game three against the Los AngelesLakers.

Two questions: Who’d a thunk the toughest player on the court would be an old white guy? And with that attitude, how did the Canadian Nash not end up playing hockey?

–

My friend Neil Berliner wrote this one: “Lance Armstrong has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Ridiculous; in the past 15 years, the guy hasn’t had a single home run.”

–
When asked about religion this conservative politician responded “I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not have a direct line.” And he added “my politics is not faith-driven.” In England, David Cameron was just elected Prime Minister. In the U.S. he probably would lose in the Republican primary.
–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Ouching Tiger.

May 10, 2010

Tiger Woods apparently left the TPC tournament today with a sore neck. Makes sense, he’s had to swivel around constantly every few minutes since Thanksgiving to see if Elin is behind him with a nine-iron.

–

Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game today in Oakland for the attendance-challenged As. But years from now at least a thousand people will claim they were there to see it.

–

Marc Ragovin comments “So it was 27 up, 27 down, in Oakland on Sunday. And by that I’m describing the entire attendance during the seventh inning stretch.”

–
This is just tacky, but what the heck. Tiger Woods withdrew from the TPC today with an injury. Well, if anyone has had experience in learning when to pull out…

–
As a Giants fan I wish this was funnier that it is.

It’s only May but looking like as far as other National League pitchers who could keep Tim Lincecum from winning another Cy Young, the most likely candidates reside in the Giants bullpen.

(for all non-hardcore Giants fans, Lincecum is 4-0 and has left his last three starts with leads in the late innings, and the bullpen blew all three of them.)

–

Happy Mothers Day. While all professional sports leagues playing in May make a point of honoring moms, you’ve got to tip your hat to the NBA – their players create so many of them.

–
–
In their next effort to stop the oil leak, BP is going to try to clog the blowout preventer with garbage. They have full cooperation in this effort from NBC, who will be sending hundreds of copies of scripts from their prime time lineup.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Tiger in the Tank.

May 2, 2010

Rory McIlroy won his first PGA tournament today, at the age of 20. Just how young is that? When he was born, Tiger Woods was still trying to pickup girls in the sandbox.

–
McIlroy went 5 under for the last five holes and set a course record on Sunday at Quail Hollow. Of course, with Woods missing the cut (and the televised rounds), the reaction of most Americans became “oh, was there a golf tournament this weekend?”

–
In her debate with Steve Poizner, California gubernatorial Meg Whitman apologized for her poor voting record, then added “But I tell you, I’m 100 percent engaged now.” Isn’t that a bit like Tiger Woods saying he is now 100 percent committed to his family?

–

Quote from runner-up Phil Mickelson “I’ve got to congratulate Rory, he played some incredible golf. He’s an amazing talent. He is some kind of player.” For some reason, no one can remember Tiger Woods saying quite the same thing upon a second place finish.

–

Zack Greinke of the Kansas City Royals is 0-3 with a 2.27 ERA. This might be the worst case of non-support since Pamela Anderson put on a training bra.

–

BP is running out of ideas to fix their colossal mess in the Gulf. Here’s one – put the oil slick on NBC primetime, it will be gone in no time.
–

–
The BP oil rig disaster is dominating the headlines, to the dismay of all Americans. Well, except for those working for Goldman Sachs or Toyota.-

–
A former New Orleans Saints employee is alleging Coach Sean Payton stole and used Vicodin from the team’s supply. Now why would the coach of the Saints last year need Vicodin? Coaching staff on the Redskins, Buccaneers and Lions, maybe.

–

commie pinko time.

While we don’t know for sure if the 40 year old white man caught on video changing his shirt turns out to be the Times Square wannabe bomber, part of me really hopes that he was a home-grown anti-government terrorist. Because then maybe some people will start figuring out that incendiary words can have consequences.

And by the way, to any conservatives reading this, I believe incendiary words are bad coming from either side, as witness some of the responses to the immigration bill, and some statements at times from some of the anti-war crowd. And while words may not incite everyone to violence, I think it’s a dangerous political game to play.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Sharks attacked?

April 15, 2010

Th San Jose Sharks opened yet another playoff series with a loss. And while it’s too late to change names now, maybe it might have been useful to remember, as impressive as their namesake was most of the way through Jaws, the shark killers did win in the end.

New San Jose Sharks playoff slogan for their fans? “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

–
In the meantime for fans looking for better news in the San Francisco area, the Giants’ magic number is 151.

–
Scary thought for the day – Tiger Woods is only 34 years old. What will he do for a midlife crisis?

KFC’s new “Double Down” sandwich features two fried chicken patties instead of bread. They aren’t a bun, they’re death panels.

–
KFC actually has a “healthier” version of the “Double Down” sandwich, with the bacon, cheese and “Colonel’s sauce” sandwiched between two pieces of grilled chicken. With all due respect, maybe people looking for a bacon, cheese and sauce sandwich aren’t going to be listing “healthy” as a top priority?

–
The first braille porn book is out. Playboy has had a braille edition for years, but it has included only the written part. If the braille porn book sells and starts a trend, blind Playboy readers too can join in the great American male chorus: “But I only get it for the articles.”

–
Elizabeth Taylor denies she is getting married for the ninth time. Note, it’s not necessarily that she’s denying getting married. It’s just that, like John McCain with his houses, she doesn’t remember how many marriages she has had.
–

This next joke may not make sense to anyone under 40…but what the heck.

Today, April 15th, would have been the late Elizabeth Montgomery’s 76th birthday, who is best known for playing Samantha on the long-running television comedy “Bewitched.” At this point, Elizabeth would have been old enough that even she wouldn’t remember the difference between Dick Sargent and Dick York.

–

April 15 also would have been Leonardo Da Vinci’s 557th birthday. And curiously enough the anniversary of his first appearance on the Larry King show.

–
Sarah Palin has apparently made $12 million since leaving office as governor of Alaska. So when she asks ‘How’s that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?”, her own answer has to be “pretty darn well.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Gone in 60 seconds…

April 12, 2010

Texas Stadium was imploded today in about 60 seconds. Which was the fastest implosion in Cowboys history, at least since Tony Romo muffed that field goal snap in the 2007 playoffs against the Seahawks.

–
Pittsburgh pitchers gave up 13 runs to the Diamondbacks in the fourth inning. This was the worst Pirate performance since some idiots from Somalia accidentally attacked a U.S. Navy warship.

–
Commie pinko question of the day

Which is whiter? A Tea Party rally or a Masters crowd?

(not sure of the answer, although with Tiger playing, there was at least one black man at Augusta.)

–
Now that Tiger Woods has gotten back to playing golf, maybe there will be more focus on his game and less on his marriage. Of course, there is also that little issue where one of Woods’ doctors has been linked to HGH and other performance enhancing drugs.

Tiger, however, denies that he ever received PEDs from Canadian doctor Anthony Galea. And why would we have any reason to doubt him?

–

At a brief press conference in San Francisco (on the occasion of the 10th anniversary of A T and T/Pac Bell Park), Barry Bonds was asked if he was going to announce his retirement. “It’s not necessary,” Bonds said. “Retirement isn’t that important.”

“Amen,” added Brett Favre.

–
The Blue Jays have started off 2010 with a 5-1 record. This is a shock to sports fans in Toronto, since between the Maple Leafs and the Raptors, they don’t expect wins in April.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Masterly…

April 11, 2010

Apparently Tiger Woods let loose at the Masters today with more than a few “Anglo Saxon ” terms after bad shots. Well, Woods may not win the tournament and get the congratulatory call from Barack Obama, but if he keeps it up, Tiger’s at least likely to hear from Joe Biden.

–
How little do many Americans know about golf BT (Beyond Tiger)? Ask a random sampling what they think about Lee Westwood at the Masters and I have no doubt many will answer “Is one of Tiger’s mistresses there?”

–
It’s hard to believe climbing Mount Everest was considered an impossible quest less than 60 years ago. Now even a 13 year old boy is attempting it. Of course, it’s easier with all the McDonalds and Starbucks on the way up.

–
Meinhardt Raabe , best known for playing the Munchkin coroner in the Wizard of Oz, and a favorite at Oz nostalgia events, has died at the age of 94. And yes, fans will be sad to hear “he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead.”

–

The 2010 Astros don’t even have a slogan yet. Although at O-5, an appropriate one might be “Houston, we have a problem.

–

In Denmark, workers are striking against Carlsberg Brewery’s new drinking policy. Previously, workers were allowed to drink as much beer for free at work as they wanted. But the workers are unhappy with the new policy, which allows unlimited free beer only during to lunch hours. Drivers, who don’t eat at the brewery, will still be allowed to take up to three beers with them a day..

While Carlsberg says they are working to try to resolve the strike they also have announced they have received an unprecedent number of inquiries from Americans calling about potential jobs and work visas.

–
In Arizona, a woman may be facing criminal charges for grabbing and shaking a child who was kicking the back of her seat on a Southwest flight last month. Police are facing two dilemmas, whether to charge her with a felony or a misdemeanor, and trying to deal with the thousands of calls from frequent travelers offering to pay her legal fees.
–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: 1 Comment

Thoughts between Tiger updates…

April 9, 2010

Tiger Woods is surrounded by 90 bodyguards at the Masters to assure that no member of the public can get close to him. Hmm, if he had done this a few years ago, maybe he wouldn’t be in the mess he’s in now.

–
A new study says that drinking too much soda may cause sexual problems for men. Sounds like instead of Gatorade, in the long run things for Tiger might have gone better with Coke.

–
Congratulations to Brett Favre, who is now a grandfather. Favre made the announcement and said he was very happy, but for some reason his daughter didn’t want his help in deciding what to name the baby.
–

Jon Gosselin is now saying his children are being neglected, and so is suing his ex-wife Kate for custody of their children. Apparently he thinks that his nannies are better than her nannies.

–

Former Redskins star quarterback Joe Theismann was interviewed on NFL Radio and said of Jamarcus Russell. “He’s inaccurate and he’s too big. And he doesn’t thrown the ball well.” Stay tuned tomorrow when Theismann tells us that Brett Favre is a little indecisive.

–

Butler rewarded their young coach Brad Stevens with a 12 year contract for leading the Bulldogs to the NCAA championship game. 12 years?!!! Wow. By the time his contract is up Stevens might be old enough to shave.
–

Whatever you think about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, she routinely wins re-election in San Francisco with 80 percent of the vote. But two Republicans are running against her this year, and may raise over $1 million, largely based on contributions from outside of California. And the GOPs says Democrats waste money?

–
Sarah Palin is now saying “I support Michael Steele. I am glad he is the leader of the party, administratively,” Translation, with him running the GOP you don’t hear so much any more about that $50,000 I spent on clothes.

–
Umpire Joe West has complained publicly about the Red Sox and Yankees’ slow play during their opening series, when all the games went almost four hours. On the other hand, considering the ticket prices at Fenway, maybe the teams felt like they were just trying to reduce the entertainment cost per minute.

–

Apparently the iPad has problems connecting to wi-fi. Not to worry, Apple will no doubt have a new version to make these and other issues obsolete in six months.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Tiger, Tiger…

April 8, 2010

Starting tomorrow, nonstop media analysis of the question ‘Is the media making too much of Tiger Woods’ return?”

–

This one is tacky – Some say that the whole circus atmosphere surrounding Tiger Woods’ return is reminiscent of the O.J. Simpson case, without of course, anyone being murdered. And Elin Woods is thinking to herself, not if my swing was better.

–
Augusta National Golf Club chairman Billy Payne criticized Tiger Woods for disappointing fans, saying “he forgot to remember that with fame and fortune comes responsibility, not invisibility.” Strong words from the head of a club that refused to intergrate until 1990 and still prohibits women members.

–
Apparently the Chicago Cubs now have the most expensively priced regular tickets in Major League baseball, having overtaken the Yankees and Red Sox. Makes sense though, the Cubs need to do something to compensate for that lack of post-season revenue.

–

A United Airlines flight from Washington, D.C. to Denver had to land with a fighter jet escort tonight. Apparently a Qatari diplomat caused a bomb scare by trying to smoke in an airline bathroom. Suggestion to add to the airline’s buy-on-board list? Nicorette gum.

–
Apparently the diplomat will not face criminal charges. But isn’t it time to make criminal stupidity at least a misdemeanor?

–
Just how much is Duke’s men’s basketball team considered an “Evil Empire?’ Apparently even the New York Yankees were rooting for Butler.

–
The Washington Redskins so dominate the news in our nation’s capital, that on opening day for the Nationals, all the media talk was about Donovan McNabb. Apparently Bud Selig was watching local television and turned his set off in disgust. Which, ironically, was the same thing fans did who actually started watching the Nationals game.

–

The San Francisco Giants have started the season 3-0. And for those Giants fans who think it couldn’t be better. The Los Angeles Dodgers are 0-2.

–
The Toronto Maple Leafs will finish 29th out of 30 teams in the NHL this year. Many hockey fans are shocked….there’s a team worse than the Leafs?

–
Tim Horton’s, a Canadian doughnut chain, has introduced a breakfast sandwich which comes in at about 530 calories. The Toronto Star described it as “packing a calorie wallop.” Many Americans would consider it an appetizer.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Independence day?

March 22, 2010

Since this is a country founded on the principle of independence, I would just hope that all the congressmen and women who voted against today’s healthcare bill please show THEIR independence by resigning their government-paid healthcare?

–
Cornell enters the Sweet Sixteen as one of the biggest surprises, and probably without a lot of money bet on them in Vegas?

Because after all, anyone smart enough to have graduated from Cornell was also probably smart enough not to have bet on them.

–

On the other hand, think about the fans Cornell has picked up in Chicago. It’s the first time in recent memory they have heard “possible championship” and “Ivy” mentioned in the same sentence.

–
Twelve seed Cornell routed the fourth seeded Badgers 87 to 69. For Wisconsin sports fans this just solidifies 4 as the currently most unpopular current number in the state.
–
There will actually be a special tournament set up next week in Vegas for gamblers whose NCAA brackets i are in decent shape. The game, of course – “Liar’s Dice.”

–

All the upsets in the tournament so far means a lot of fans will be going into April without much hope. Does this make them all honorary Nationals fans?

–

At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs – “I tried to stop and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Ladies and gentlemen, I think we’ve just found the new U.S. spokesman for Toyota.

–
Tiger Woods confessed to being “a little nervous” about the reception he will get at this year’s Masters. And his fellow golfers said, “Hey, no worries, why don’t you relax and take a little extra time out of the spotlight with your family?”

–
From Bill Littlejohn: Foreclosure proceedings have begun on the residence of the Octomom. She reportedly is in negotiations for a cheaper shoe.

–

And finally, for any blog reader trying to win a bar bet this week- try this question – who are the only men’s teams to advance to the Sweet Sixteen for each of the past three years?

–
Answer, Michigan State and Xavier.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

St. Patrick’s Day…

March 17, 2010

Where single men go out and pretend they are Irish, while also pretending that they don’t normally drink that much. Plus, since it’s March Madness, many of them will claim they know more about basketball than simply filling out random brackets. And then most of them will complain that “women don’t understand the real me.”

–
So with all of these scandals, there’s one imperfect politician whose image might be looking a little better now… Bill Clinton.

Actually, in all seriousness Bill doesn’t look so bad anymore. A little garden variety tomcatting, no soul mates, no trips to argentina, no high priced prostitutes and no tickle parties. And no babies. As far as we know.

–
Fascination-repulsion reaction to Rielle Hunter’s interview. Who would have thought Bill Clinton would turn out to been a better husband than John Edwards?
–

ABBA was just inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

–

Someone stole a truck in Benicia, California, containing over 1100 cases of wine, valued at $50,000. That’s $45 a case, less than $4 a bottle. Guess the police aren’t looking for wine snobs.

–
From Ben Burnett:

A Montreal man the FBI once called Canada’s biggest movie pirate will be sentenced on Tuesday for illegally distributing copyrighted material on the internet…..the harshest part of his sentence calls for “Hannah Montana: The Movie” to be played on a loop in his cell.

–
–
Definition of eternity – Brett Favre trying to finalize his NCAA tournament brackets.

–
Inspired by a joke from Paul Seaburn – John McCain and Sarah Palin will be campaigning together in Arizona for the first time since the Presidential election. McCain was worried at first, but now has a plan to make sure Palin doesn’t say anything embarrassing. Before they hit the campaign trail, he’s going to make her wash her hands.

–

–
Tiger Woods said he is returning to golf at the Masters next months. That’s fantastic news said CBS, all their advertisers, and absolutely none of the other golfers who have qualified for the tournament.

–
I can see the headlines now if Woods has a decent first round “Tiger still knows how to put it in the hole.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »