Posted tagged ‘PED jokes’

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Just stopped by for a drink of water?

February 14, 2013

NY Yankees catcher Francisco Cervelli is the latest player to deny getting PED’s from Biogenesis, the Florida anti-aging clinic currently under investigation by MLB.   Right, and most men found in brothels only stopped in to use the restrooms.

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Scott Brown is joining Fox News. A decision that many in Massachusetts will view as a more embarrassing way to earn money than his college gig posing nude for Cosmo.

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Bus to Hell time. So how long before some fried chicken restaurant offers a Chris Dorner “Extra Crispy” special?

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My funny friend Abbe Nelson says “I think Christopher Dorner is taking Ash Wednesday a bit too seriously today.”

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Way to go Marco Rubio. While he’s talking about the GOP plans to fix America, he’s drinking “Poland Spring” water, sold in the U.S., but bottled by a subsidiary of Swiss giant Nestle.

 

Steve Martin, 67, announced he became a first time father to a baby boy in December. There’s a certain symmetry – both father and son could end up in diapers at the same time.

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UK freshman forward Nerlens Noel is out for the season and the NCAA tournament with a torn ACL. Since he’s a probable first round draft pick, wonder if Noel’s thinking “So I went to class for NOTHING?”

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First reports said 4,000 passengers were on the stricken Carnival Triumph, today CNN reports there are 3,143 passengers. Let’s hope it’s just confusion, and 857 people didn’t decide to try to swim home.

 

Conditions are apparently far from ideal on that stricken Carnival Cruise ship, but they are giving out free booze. What could possibly go wrong?

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Headline “Pope Benedict confident his resignation will not hurt Catholic Church.” What, more than his tenure as Pope already has?

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So in last night’s SOTU drinking game, anyone get bonus points for predicting one of the speakers would actually also be drinking?

 

New York Mets’ owner Fred Wilpon says the team’s money woes are over. Their woes on the field on the other hand…..

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Got a little list?

February 7, 2013

As MLB continues its investigation of Anthony Bosch and his Florida “Biogenesis” clinic, many ballplayers have to long for a more innocent time. When the list they would have been most worried to find their name on, might have been belonged to an upscale brothel.

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And while people are starting their fantasy leagues, wonder who’ll start the pool for the first major league to be suspended in 2013. No doubt for a tainted supplement.

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So now that Ryan Braun’s name has surfaced in connection with that PED clinic in Florida, how long until the Brewers’ star appears on Oprah?

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Monopoly is getting rid of the iron token and replacing it with a cat token. Plan on the cat token always disappearing when you want to play with it, and then showing up in the way of other pieces right in the middle of the board.

(my son Carey Schwartz points out that the cat token will no doubt refuse to stop on Water Works.)

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Despite all the recent headllines Manti T’eo only fell from#6 to #12 on ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper’s big board. And have to assume T’eo’s stock soared in fantasy football.

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From T.C.  “Manti Te’o says he’s going to take some time off Twitter. This is so he can spend more time on his Facebook Farm.”

 

The joys of a 74 yr. old governor with no aspirations for higher office and nothing to prove anymore: Jerry Brown, when asked about a $24,000 radio ad Rick Perry ran in Calif. promoting doing business in Texas: “Its not a serious story guys, It’s like a little radio ad and you guys run like lap dogs to report it. … It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.”

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The British House of Commons voted 400 to 175 to legalize gay marriage. So when they sing “God Save the Queen,” guess Elton John is included.

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Idaho State Sen. John Goedde has come up with a bill requiring students to read Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” as a high school graduation requirement. Right. The book is 1088 pages. Wonder how many legislators have read it.

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There are reports that Kim Kardashian’s doctor believes her unborn baby could be at risk due to the stress of her divorce from Kris Humphries. Another sad result for society as a result of indiscriminately allowing heterosexual marriage.

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Well, spring training may be right around the corner but clearly Americans haven’t quite turned their full attention to baseball. Forbes released their list of the most disliked athletes, and A-Rod is only #6.

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Many Americans are upset about the Post Office’s decision to stop delivering mail on Saturdays. In fact, millions of them are posting on Facebook or Twitter about it.

 

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A couple thoughts about this “gays in the Boy Scouts” controversy. First, all the stories about teachers and students should remind people that sexual orientation is no guarantee against inappropriate relations or even conversations. Second, there have always been gays in the Boy Scouts, it’s just a question of whether or not they are open about it….

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MVP’ED?

February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

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Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

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Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

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The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

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This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

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Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

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The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

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A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

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LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

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So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

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For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

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Love? Zero.

August 22, 2012

A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”

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The Phillies gave out  Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.

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More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.

 

 

Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.

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The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.

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Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.

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One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers”  in the bottom of the 8th.  Not saying where he wants them to go.

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The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.

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Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension:  “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.”  Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?

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That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.

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The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.

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Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?

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Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.

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Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.

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According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre  sure is busy.

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No crying in baseball…

August 16, 2012

Or at least for the San Francisco Giants,  no crying over spilled Melk.

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Well, on the brighter side at least the SF Giants hadn’t signed a multi-year deal with Melky Cabrera…

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A thought about the Melky Cabrera suspension. What’s more shocking, that he got caught, or that he admitted it: “My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used.” (What, no “tainted” supplement or “I got it from a friend?”)

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Giants fans are thinking, if a iconic SF Giants player had to test positive this year for PED’s and get suspended, what a shame that it wasn’t Tim Lincecum.

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A new book said Joe Paterno sobbed after being fired from PSU, saying “My name…I have spent my whole life trying to make that name mean something. And now it’s gone.” And all it might have taken to keep that good name was one phone call to the State College police.

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Pac 12 commissioner Larry Scott doesn’t like the USA Today coaches’ poll, saying it’s 1 – a conflict of interest, and 2 – coaches are focused on their own games. (And of course the unsaid 3 – East Coast and Midwest coaches never vote for teams out West.)

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Ah border wars: A FB group has sprung up asking for “American only hours” at Costco, saying that the store “should make a special time during the day that is American members only.” Texas or Arizona? No, Bellingham, WA. Oh, those pesky Canadians.

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Wonder how long it will take for the Yankees to ask for the All-Star game results to be thrown out so they have a chance for home field advantage?

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Congrats to Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners on his perfect game.   And for making the Tampa Bay Rays, at least, look like a lineup that was PED free.

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Meanwhile, back in the innocent world of college sports….  The University of Alabama self-reported 27 NCAA secondary rules violations over the past year, mostly regarding texts and phone calls. 6 were from men’s basketball, and 4 were from football. Other than that, the program was completely clean. Right.

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All this GOP outrage over Joe Biden’s “put you in chains” comment. Where were they last year? When Rick Santorum said in Iowa “They will put you in chains called ‘Obamacare,’ and you will never break away.”

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Who needs a prince when you’ve got a pair?

July 12, 2012

Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP  “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?

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Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.

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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.

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Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.

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Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?

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American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.

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The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.

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So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.

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Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?

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Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.

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Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?

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Deer in the spotlights?

August 7, 2011

So MLB has warned players against using a spray made from deer antlers. So how will they test for it? Play “Bambi” in the clubhouse and see who starts crying uncontrollably?

Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers is 16-5 in 2011 with a 2.30 ERA. With the San Francisco Giants he might be 9-11.

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Phrase I am getting REALLY REALLY tired of hearing on the SF Giants postgame show. “Fill-in-name-of-Giants-pitche​r pitched a great game and didn’t deserve to lose today.”

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Tiger Woods is 13 shots off the lead in his first tournament in months, and the current leader, Adam Scott, is using Steve Williams, the caddie Woods just fired.

If Scott wins, and even if he just comes close but way ahead of Tiger, I’d like to tip my hat to karma. For being a really impressive bitch.

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Brett Favre quashed rumors that he is considering returning to the NFL with the Miami Dolphins, saying he doesn’t have “any interest.” Translation, he is waiting for an offer from a better team.

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This week is the DEF CON convention in Las Vegas. It’s a 15,000-person gathering of computer hackers. Which answers the question – When do Vegas prostitutes take their vacations?

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The Yankees’ C.C. Sabathia has six losses this year, four to Boston. So wonder when C.C will call the Red Sox his daddy?

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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly says he won’t pick his starting quarterback until 10 days before the season opener. Makes sense, that not only gives him time to watch the four contenders in practice, but also means his final choice will have less time to get suspended or arrested.

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Open note to Tony Bruno: I completely understand saying something stupid because you are angry -i.e. SF Giants mgr “Bochy is a coward for having his illegal alien pitcher hit a guy”

But saying “saying I apologize for my comments regarding illegal aliens,but I stand behind my comments that Bochy is a coward, People resorting to name calling are more classless and vile.” Uh,Tony, you could have had us at “I apologize.”

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Tiger Woods struggled again today while playing his first tournament in months. Beginning to wonder -what if illicit sex with random women WAS his performance enhancing drug?
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Texas Governor (and probable presidential candidate) Rick Perry spoke at a prayer meeting and said it was to “rally the nation to a Christian unity.” Now, it’s been a while since I studied history, but wasn’t the point for those on the Mayflower to set sail for religious freedom.

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San Francisco and Philadelphia are waiting for MLB to announce suspensions from last night’s brawl. One person involved who probably will escape suspension – Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens. Because there hasn’t been any evidence he’s been doing anything lately anyway

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