Posted tagged ‘Palin jokes’

Sarah, we – and the McCain staff – hardly knew ye…

November 18, 2009

Sarah Palin gave a lengthy interview to Oprah this week. No official comment on Oprah’s reaction, but one has to think she wondered “Where’s that guy whose shoulder I cried on when I REALLY need him?”


Palin is now complaining that a Newsweek cover picture, showing her wearing a long-sleeved shirt and short-shorts, is “sexist.” The picture was taken for a photo spread in a running magazine. Maybe Newsweek isn’t paying her anything near like what Levi is getting.


But one question, if Hillary Clinton had also posed in short-shorts for a magazine article on physical fitness, think only one other publication would have picked up the photo? For that matter Dick Cheney? (Although as a visual person I REALLY want both those last images out of my head.)


Sarah Palin has been complaining about Levi Johnston running around the country with media appearances and neglecting his responsibilities as a father. Fair enough, but aren’t Sarah’s daughter’s Willow and Piper, who are with her on HER media tour, supposed to be in school now? (And no one ever sees Palin with her youngest son.)

Sarah Palin said in a television interview that President Obama’s Nobel Prize was “premature.” And Palin should know about premature. Fortunately, her oldest son Track was healthy, despite being born only 7 1/2 months after Sarah and her husband Todd eloped.


Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennessee Titans, was fined $250,000 for making an obscene gesture to opposing fans after his team’s win. By that standard they could balance the budget in Washington just by fining Redskins fans for the gestures they make to their own team.

The BCS defends always picking SEC teams for the Championship games due to their “strength of schedule.” Ladies and gentleman, I bring you this week’s opponents for Florida and Alabama respectively – Florida International University and Chattanooga. Guess University of Phoenix wasn’t available.



Hard luck Kansas City Royals pitcher Zack Greinke won the American League Cy Young, despite having only 16 wins to go with his 2.14 ERA. Not to worry, however, someday he will probably win 20 with a higher ERA. When he signs with the Yankees.


I don’t often write “girl humor” but the next might qualify.

A British woman claims to have 300 orgasms a day. Women around the world want to know which chocolate company she works for.


And lastly, for anyone who thinks THEY have a busy life. This paragraph from Tom Fitzgerald’s story in the SF Chronicle on Stanford football star Toby Gerhardt’s light academic quarter…

“The standard course load at Stanford is 15 credits. This quarter, Gerhart is taking 21. Then he’ll be three courses from his degree in management sciences and engineering. He’s taking investment science, integral calculus, introduction to optimization (engineering), prehistoric archaeology and high-technology entrepreneurship.”

Oh, and next quarter, besides classes, he can go back to his other “hobby” – being a starting outfielder on the Stanford baseball team. (His freshman year he hit a home run in the College World Series.)

F is for Fiber….

November 11, 2009

Happy 40th Birthday Sesame Street! Apparently Cookie Monster is celebrating with some Metamucil
wafers.

Bad news for the Sesame Street 40th Birthday celebration. Apparently Oscar the Grouch showed up in his trash can, and accidentally got recycled.


Of course, these days, the PC police might never have allowed Sesame Street to get started. Or if they did, it might be with “Gravitationally Challenged Bird,” and “Oscar the Socially Challenged.” Not to mention the “Fuzzy Blue Creature with an Eating Disorder.”


Sesame Street got into some controversy after an episode referring to “Pox News” as a “trashy news show.” Fox took offense, but realistically, who would have thought anyone would refer to the network as having a “news show?”


Sarah Palin just discovered that even at Fox News there are limits, when she implied that a liberal Democratic conspiracy was the reason that “In God We Trust” had been moved from the center to the side of U.S. Coins. Actually, the design change was approved by President George W. Bush.

Fox News fact-checked Palin’s statement, and called her on it. This might mark the first time that “Fox News” and “fact-check” appeared in the same sentence.

The state of New York has reached an $875,000 settlement with CVS Pharmacy to stop sales of expired products — including medicine, baby formula and food. Just how out of date was some of this stuff? Some of the packs of gum contained Jamie Moyer rookie cards.


This post-season was filled with umpiring errors, and what seemed like a record number of visits to the mound by New York catcher Jorge Posada. So at their annual meeting, MLB general managers brought up the subjects of instant replay and speeding up the game, and decided to do… absolutely nothing.


Of course, when your World Series goes into November, maybe arguing over a few minutes extra per game seems a bit hypocritical.


Bud Selig had stated he didn’t see “any reason to consider expanding: instant replay. And he didn’t see a problem with all Posada’s mound visits… eight in one INNING at one point. Of course, this could be because Selig and MLB at this point are wholly owned subsidiaries of the New York Yankees.

In California, Senate candidate Carly Fioriana is already going after Barbara Boxer, without even mentioning her formidable Republican primary opponent, Chuck Devore. Not that it’s impossible for her to be nominated, but isn’t this like the 4-4 New York Jets discussing their strategy against New Orleans in the Super Bowl?

Scary thoughts….

October 31, 2009

One truly scary thought. How many women on Halloween think they look good in outfits where their heels are higher than their skirts are long…..

A fashion police corollary. Another way to decide about skirt length. The length in inches should probably be a bigger number than your dress size.


The only NFL blackout this week will be the Detroit Lions vs. the St. Louis Rams, two teams with a win between them. Even if the game would have sold out the league might have decided it was too scary for children.


Joe Lieberman this week continued his quest to be the most hated member of the Democratic caucus in the Senate. First saying he might filibuster against the healthcare bill, then saying he may campaign for some Republican candidates. Many Democrats are hoping his next bipartisan act is a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

_
Sarah Palin is feuding publicly with the father of her grandson, Joe Lieberman seems to be trying to alienate every liberal and moderate in the country, and John Edwards is continually redefining the term sleazebag. Maybe we aren’t giving President Obama enough credit for picking a VP candidate who’s only as embarassing as Joe Biden.


Apparently Dick Cheney has said he doesn’t remember who leaked Valerie Plames name back in 2004. Of course, judging by his recent comments, he doesnt remember who got us into Afghanistan and Iraq either.

ALCS and beyond..

October 20, 2009

It’s a close call. Who’s doing more sleepwalking through the ALCS. The Angels, or the umpires?


On the other hand, the New York Yankees are making a strong case that they might be the best billion dollar team ever put together in baseball.

(And the billion dollars, no joke, when you add up the combined guaranteed contracts. $200 million is just this year…before the trade deadline)

Tacky alert:

A-Rod seems to have rejuvenated his post-season career now that he is dating Kate Hudson. Wonder how many World Series the Yankees might have won had he earlier started dating Goldie Hawn instead of Madonna?


Useless fact of the day: For all the pre-LCS talk about a Freeway Series, it is actually faster to get between Philadelphia and New York by train, than between Los Angeles and Anaheim by car.


A Colorado toddler was denied insurance for being underweight. Which means without healthcare reform America will become a country with a whole underclass of uninsured supermodels.


Actually if being underweight is a reason for current health insurance companies to deny insurance, this is a great way for Obama to get the men of America behind his reform plan – otherwise all the Victoria’s Secret Models and Playboy Bunnies will flee to Canada.


The Obama adminstration has announced they will not go after medicinal marijuana users who are complying with state laws. So marijuana use will still be illegal, but in these cases the law won’t be enforced. Sort of like travelling in the NBA.


Sarah Palin will be appearing on “Oprah” in November to promote her new book. Why the delay? Someone apparently told former Governor Palin that to promote a book you’re supposed to have written, you actually need to have read it.

And the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has finally gotten around to expelling Dr Michael Kamrava, the “octo-doctor who was Nayda Suleman’s fertility specialist. They declined, however, to give an reason for his expulsion. Let’s see, he implanted six embroyos (two of which split) in an unwed, unemployed, 33 year old mother of six? What was the ASRM’s first clue?

Errors and omissions.

October 11, 2009

John McCain said not sending enough troops to Afghanistan would be “an error of historic proportions.”. And if anyone knows about historic errors, it’s the man who chose Sarah Palin for his running mate.

A study says that people who experience traumatic events as children could see their life expectancy drop by as much as twenty years. This could mean an NC17 rating for Wrigley Field.


The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Colorado Rockies in sub-freezing weather at Coors Field Sunday night. Apparently it was the coldest game anyone can remember in major league baseball since the Giants left Candlestick.


The Phillies’ winning rally included a hit that should have been ruled a foul ball. Yet another blown call by the umps this postseason. Talk about game-change performances that SHOULD be sponsored by Pontiac.

The Olympics have decided to add rugby and golf as sports in 2016. Well, it’s probably about time Tiger Woods got some international exposure.


How bad are things for the Redskins? Folks in D.C. are starting to think about season tickets next year for the Nationals.


For the 2-3 Redskins, all their losses have been their opponent’s first wins of the season. President Obama is considering asking the team to speak out against health care reform.

Next up for the Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, 0-5 after going 0-4 in the preseason. If the Chiefs also beat the ‘Skins, on November 1, put your money on a first ever win “bye week.”

The Cleveland Browns beat the Buffalo Bills 6-3. 6-3? Apparently it was so cold a hockey game broke out.


White House Communication director Anita Dunn called Fox News, “a vehicle for Republican Party propaganda.” The station angrily denied the accusation – they prefer to think of the Republican Party as a vehicle for Fox News propaganda.

The moon and other flights..

October 9, 2009

The Swiss denied bail for Roman Polanski, saying that they believe he is a flight risk. Wow, what was their first clue?

NASA has sent a rocket basically to bomb the moon. They say it’s to detect the presence of ice. But the real reason? Once we bomb the moon, NASA hopes the government will be willing to spend billions of dollars there.


On her Facebook page, Sarah Palin told President Obama that now is not the time for “second thoughts” about Afghanistan. And if anyone’s an expert on “second thoughts,” it’s the woman who served over half of her term as Governor.


Oops. Five Somali pirates were captured by the French navy, after they attempted to storm the French navy’s 18,000 ton flagship in the Indian Ocean. (They had apparently mistaken it for a private cargo vessel.) This is the worst Pirates performance since Pittsburgh wrapped up their 2009 MLB season.

Some conservatives are criticizing Mary Cheney for having a second child with her partner of almost 20 years. They claim, (for two printable examples) that the lesbian partnership is unnatural or that the child should have a father around. Anyone want to lay odds on this new baby growing up more or less well-adjusted, than say, the child of an unwed teenager mother whose teenage father is posing nude in Playgirl?

Despite reports in Forbes magazine, Tiger Woods said he is not a billionaire. Guess he had a 401k too.


Apparently the “pecking order” for scheduling major league baseball games is now something like this. If the Yankees are in the playoffs, their game will always be played in prime time. If the Yankees are out or have an off-day, the prime slots go to the Red Sox, then the Cubs (well, not this year), and then probably the Los Angeles Dodgers.

So kids who want to see a World Series played during the day sometime, keep rooting for something like Twins-Rockies.


If the SF Giants had somehow managed to make the playoffs, local fans could probably count on the games at 11a.

From the very funny Alex Kaseberg: After Rio de Janeiro has been selected for the 2016 Olympic Games, residents swigged rum, tore off their clothes and danced in the street all night. When asked why they were so excited about the Olympics, the most common response; “What Olympics?”

A few midweek thoughts…

September 24, 2009

After being suspended for the rest of the season earlier this week, Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley apologized and said “I chose Chicago as a free agent because I wanted to be part of bringing a championship to the Cubs’ fans. ” That’s it, no more free agent signings in Chicago before sanity tests.


by the way, this week’s posts so far written with a bad cold…. so apologies to any readers who think I have lost it. Of course, some may think I have never found it.

The Nationals are, as of tonight, sitting on 99 losses, and almost certainly heading for their 100th. A record of futility unmatched in Washington, except maybe by Congress.


How hopeless are the Nationals? Instead of asking Barack Obama to throw out next year’s first pitch, they are deciding between Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader.

Also in Washington, a group of American Indians is asking the Supreme Court to declare that with their name, the Redskins defame Native Americans. If they are successful, PETA may ask the court to declare that the Bengals and Lions defame felines.


After an IVF clinic made a mistake, an Ohio woman is giving birth to another couple’s biological child. And somewhere John Edwards is thinking, “Okay, I’m a good enough lawyer to somehow use that excuse….”

Commie pinko time…

Another question for the tea-party/tea bagger types. Where’s all the outrage about taxpayer money going to fund NFL stadiums, and then the teams involved refusing to lift television blackout rules during the recession?

For that matter, while a lot of the tea-baggers are furious about the thought that lax oversight of any potential new health care reform laws might mean illegal immigrants get access to health insurance – where’s that same outrage about lax oversight of laws meaning those same illegals might get easy access to guns?


In Sarah Palin’s Hong Kong speech, she told investors “I’m going to call it like I see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A.” Once again showing Walt’s genius in having Main Street lead directly to Fantasyland.

As if they could forget….

August 8, 2009

The Cubs are still upset about the old goat the Florida Marlins paraded in front of their clubhouse in a recent series, which was meant as a joke to remind Chicago of their curse. But it’s not like the Cubs haven’t seen an old goat on the field this year, they did play an inter-league game with the Tigers and their manager Jim Leyland.


The San Diego Chargers fined cornerback Antonio Cromartie $2500 for his Twitter message criticizing the training camp food. Today his teammate Shawne Merriman tweeted that he “thought the food was AMAZING today.”

Yeah, apparently for some reason they had over $2000 more in the catering budget


Kate Gosselin will appear on Monday’s “Today” show Monday for her first television interview since she and Jon announced they were separating. The presume interview topic? How media attention damaged their marriage.

Former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin called President Barack Obama’s health plan “downright evil” Friday.

Reason number 362 that Americans prefer reality shows to politics. On a reality show, when you vote someone off, they go away.


Florida Senator Mel Martinez announced he is retiring immediately from the Senate, as opposed to waiting until his term ends in 2010. How times have changed, Years ago it would have been “What’s wrong with his health?” Now it’s “What did he do.”

Or as Jerry Perisho says “Who did he do?”


What a year, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, now Mel Martinez. And lesser-known others. Is it about time to rework the standard oath of office in the United States..?.

Suggested new text: “and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter,” until I decide that I feel like doing something else, or unless I get indicted,

The All-Star game and other jokes.

July 14, 2009

You have to love Bud Selig’s idea to have the winner of the All Star game get home field advantage in the World Series.. Which means, had Roy Halladay been the losing pitcher after giving up three runs in the second, and he gets traded to say, the Phillies, his loss could have given home field to his new team.


Most of the players said that meeting President Obama was a highlight of the All-Star experience. Tim Wakefield said it was almost as exciting as the time he shook hands with President Lincoln.


President Obama actually got his ceremonial first pitch over the plate. Which meant he already has a post-presidency offer to join the Nationals bullpen.


Another joke inspired by Jerry Perisho, who noted that this week was the anniversary of the premiere of Northern Exposure. Which as he notes, was prescient, being a “wacky sitcom that took place in Alaska.”

There’s actually reportedly going to be a new show featuring Sarah Palin. The working title – “Northern Over Exposure.”


According to a recent poll, a majority of Republicans now say that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country?


Male readers of this blog might want to skip the next joke.

On last night’s Bachelorette episode, Jillian decided to spend a night alone in the “Fantasy Suite” with each of the three remaining bachelors. Soon to be following the Bachelorette – “Mamma Mia, the sequel.”


Researchers have found that apparently survivors of the 1918 flu pandemic are immune to the current swine flu. And here many 2008 voters were actually worried about the health of Senator John McCain.


Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle came up with a list of All-Star events he would rather see. Like spitting contests, cliche slinging, headhunting (pitchers trying to damage plaster statues of hitters), etc. He also thought his wife would watch a Celebrity Home Run Derby.

Here’s a few more suggestions for contests I’d like see at the All Star Game.

Best PED excuse. That “tainted supplement” is so last year. Ditto any relative or teammate giving you something you didn’t realize was loaded. And Manny has basically retired the fertility issue.

Swimsuit competition. Now THEN women would watch. As long as the competition is more Derek Jeter, Joe Mauer and Carl Crawford and less Prince Fielder, Chad Billingsley and Heath Bell

The Tantrum Derby. Who cares about Home Runs anymore? I want to see how far someone can throw a base. Or a Gatorade cooler.


And finally, from Bill Littlejohn:

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have apparently split up.Fortunately for Romo, he signed a pre-numbskull agreement”

R.I.P. Oscar Mayer.

July 9, 2009

Oscar Mayer, the founder of the company that bears his name, died at the age of 95. He had attributed his long life to never eating any of his own products.


There are rumors that North Korea was behind a scheme that has been trying to crash computer systems in the U.S. government. Apparently the cyber-attackers were simply working as salesmen for Microsoft Windows.

Wish I’d written this one from Alex Kaseberg:

Not to say the Republican party is in trouble, but the Washington Nationals baseball team is telling Republican jokes.


Sarah Palin said in her resignation speech that not quitting would have been a “quitter’s way out.” While most Americans may not be sure what she meant, they still wish she would explain it to Brett Favre.


Just how rambling and incoherent was Sarah Palin’s speech? If this politics thing doesn’t work out she might have an offer to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol.


Just another example of what Bud Selig has done for baseball. Toronto Blue Jays All-Star pitcher Ray Halladay is likely to be traded to a contending team. Which means, should it be a National League team, that Halladay could be the winning pitcher in next week’s All-Star game, and cost his new team home field advantage in the World Series.


Tacky alert:

This might be too soon, but right about now you have to think Jenny Sanford is wishing her husband’s “soul mate” had been Sahel Kazemi.

You think you had a rough Monday?

July 7, 2009

You think you had a rough Monday. How’d you like to be a guy coming home to his wife who actually did spend the long weekend doing a solo hike on the Appalachian trail.


And okay, maybe I’m biased. But it does seem bizarre – Manny Ramirez gets a ton of adulation for returning to his MLB team from a 50 game suspension for a female fertility drug. And Candace Parker barely makes the news for returning to her WNBA team less than 50 days after having an actual baby.

Any truth to the rumor this was Al Franken’s first statement on being finally seated in the Senate?

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people elected me.”


Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but you want to quit half way through.


The San Francisco Giants are eager to move beyond the Bonds era into a time when all their top stars are not only good players but also are good role models to encourage children to play fair.

And to further cement that image the Giants are encouraging all their fans to get behind Pablo Sandoval by voting early and often..

Baseball, Sarah Palin, and other bizarre stories.

July 4, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants have three Cy Young winners (Randy Johnson, Barry Zito and Tim Lincecum) on their team. Plus a likely future winner in Matt Cain. And their best starting pitcher over the last week has been… Ryan Sadowski?!!

(for non hardcore baseball fans, 26 year old rookie, 2 starts, 2 wins, O runs.)

With all these adoring fans cheering Manny Ramirez’s return, will this baseball season in Los Angeles be subtitled “How I learned to stop worrying and love the asterisk?”


And for those who find the Ramirez story is too heavy a dose of reality, and that Mark Sanford isn’t bizarre enough, thank you Sarah Palin.

But give soon-to-be former Governor Palin credit for a good sense of timing. Her rambling, disjointed resignation wasn’t even the most embarrassing speech given by a Governor this week.

Sarah Palin said in her speech “you have to know when to pass the ball.” And Kobe Bryant responded, “Not exactly.”


So what made Sarah Palin decide to step down? Not like the job has been taking up that much of her time lately. Seems like she has racked up more frequent flier miles than any Governor not named Sanford.


Sarah Palin is actually stepping down with over a year and a half left on her term. Hard to say who was more disappointed? Her remaining fans, or folks in California and South Carolina that it wasn’t THEIR governor.

The endless MLB draft

June 11, 2009

Sarah Palin angrily demanded David Letterman apologize for what she feels was an inappropriate joke aimed at her daughter, Bristol.  Said the Alaska governor, no one should exploit my children, except me.

Has anyone noticed that Brett Favre has the same relationship to retirement as Elizabeth Taylor has with marriage?

 

Not saying the Major League Baseball draft goes on forever, but even Joe Biden is saying “Enough already.”

They asked former president and former Rangers owner George W. Bush his opinion on the draft.  Bush said he didn’t know much as he had spent the week at a reunion of the Texas Air National Guard

President Obama may send former Vice President Al Gore to negotiate with North Korea for the release of the two American journallsts. Wouldn’t it more effective to send Joe Biden to just discuss it with them for as long as it takes….

Manny Ramirez doesn’t want to discuss his 50 game suspension,  saying “I  didn’t kill nobody, I didn’t rape nobody, so that’s it, I’m just going to come and play the game.,” 

So much for Manny ever needing to leave tickets for O.J. Simpson or Kobe Bryant.

Sammy Sosa is going to officially announce his retirement from baseball.  Which will surprise both people who thought he might come back.

or

Sammy Sosa is going to officially announced his retirement from baseball.  Or as a spokesman said “Put a cork in his bats, he’s done.’

(Remember those innocent days when corked bats were cheating?)

Tainted records…

May 7, 2009

The Los Angeles Dodgers broke a major league record for most consecutive wins at home to open a season.  But their opponent was the Washington Nationals. Shouldn’t THAT record have an asterisk?

Two Ohio businessmen and six University of Toledo former basketball players were indicted Wednesday in an alleged point shaving scheme.  This is shocking, there are actually people who bet real money on Toledo basketball games?

Elisabeth Hasselback said in an interview that Bristol Palin was the “perfect” choice” to talk about teen abstinence.  I assume she also thinks that Bill Clinton was the perfect choice to sign the “Defense of Marriage Act?

 

(Aka “DOMA”, and yes he did.)

Who’d a thunk it?  The “cleanest” slugger of the modern baseball era might turn out to be Barry Bonds?

L is for Layoff

March 12, 2009

The economic crisis hit Sesame Street today as Sesame Workshop, the show’s producers, announced they would cut about a fifth of their staff.

Now Oscar is really Grouchy.

Cookie Monster may be rationed to crackers.

And Big Bird is tiptoeing quietly around all KFC locations.


So Bristol Palin’s engagement is off. And Meghan McCain said her parent running for president interfered with HER love life.

Wonder if McCain-Palin had won if we would have had the first White House shotgun wedding?


In a recent poll, 96 percent of Californians said the state was in “bad times.” This is shocking. There are actually four percent who think things are good?

Didn’t know that many Californians were on the payroll of Manny Ramirez.


The Fiesta, Rose, Orange and Sugar Bowls have signed just deals to keep the BCS format going through at least 2013.

So Barack Obama may be able to fix the economy, solve global warming, and bring our troops home from Iraq. But it doesn’t look like he can do anything about the BCS