We can’t ever laugh about September 11. But being able to laugh in spite of September 11 is one of the things that makes us American.
All about the marketing?
Posted September 11, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Now that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” has been declared unconstitutional, there are rumors that the Army may change its slogan – from “Army Strong,” to “Army Fabulous.”
–
KFC has decided to try to “regain prestige” with a marketing campaign to remind consumers about their original founder, Colonel Sanders. (Who was a real person.)
Here’s a free tip for the beleaguered fast foot chain. If you are really going for the “prestige” brand image, maybe it’s not a good idea to introduce a “Double Down” sandwich that is simply two pieces of fried chicken with bacon and cheese inside?
–
Coffee futures have soared 44% since June. Starbucks has announced they will be sensitive to the economy, however, and offer their customers very low mortgage rates on lattes
–
Neither the Saints nor the Vikings had great games on offense in their season opener. But one major requirement for being a great NFL quarterback is a short memory. At this point, Brett Favre has that down cold.
—
Former West Virginia and Miami Dolphins Quarterback Pat White signed today with the Kansas City Royals, even though he hasn’t played baseball since he graduated from high school in 2004.
Apparently White, while he had a great football career, always wanted to be on a Major League Baseball roster. And failing that, he’d be happy to play for the Royals.
–
Angelina Jolie said in an interview with CNN that she doesn’t have a lot of friends, and Brad is the only person she can talk to. Really? Cant imagine why women, especially other young married women, wouldn’t feel comfortable with her around.
–
–
Carly Fiorina, speaking to Tea Party supporters today, slammed Barbara Boxer for asking a general to call her “Senator” instead of “Ma’am.” Well, I suppose better to focus on something important like that rather than slamming California’s “excessive regulations” on the day after a tragedy caused by a gas main explosion.
–
News story from Texas: A mother was angry at a group of seventh grade girls celebrating a blow-out win over her daughter’s middle-school volleyball team. So she pulled a gun on them while they were celebrating in the parking lot… The celebration ended fast and the girls fled. Even in Florida they are saying, “These people are nuts.”
–
From Marc Ragovin.
In a self-prepared report, BP has exonerated itself of liability for the Gulf oil spill, while pointing the fnger at everyone else involved in the rig’s construction. That’s like the owners of the Titanic blaming water for freezing at 32 degrees.
Burning desire?
Posted September 10, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Quran burning jokes
The amount of attention paid to this nutty pastor in Florida is getting out of control. Isnt it time for the media to turn its focus back to things that Americans really care about…? Like Paris Hilton’s drug arrest and Bristol Palin’s outfit on “Dancing with the Stars?”
–
Outrage has been spreading over that Gainesville, Florida church’s plan to burn the Quran. Even the University of Florida (in Gainesville) has issued a statement. They believe the only thing that should be burned in the city are Florida State Seminoles jerseys
–
Actually, at time of writing, the pastor has temporarily “suspended” the Quran burning. But the “Balloon Boy” and his family have announced plans to move to Florida.
The beleaguered state has responded by proposing a law allowing police officers to stop residents and requiring them to prove they are legally sane.
–
On a brighter note, “Glee” is apparently planning an episode this year honoring “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Fans are quivering in antici………….pation.
–
Good news for Patriots fans, Tom Brady avoided injury in an early morning car accident this morning. Even better news, his wife Giselle and an Escalade were NOT involved.
–
From Alex Kaseberg – When Ben Roethlisberger had his suspension cut two games from six to four; this information threw off Fantasy Football leagues. In fact, Fantasy Football players haven’t been this upset since Klingon was not deemed an official language by the UN.
–
Apparently the NCAA has talked to Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl and an assistant coach about possible violations. Shocking. Recent potential sports illegalities at Tennessee, and Lane Kiffen wasn’t involved?
–
A federal judge in Southern California has declared the U.S. military’s ban on openly gay service members unconstitutional. Wonder how long it will take for a church in Florida to announce plans to burn a copy of the Constitution?
–
While appearing on the Colbert Report, Vice President Joe Biden thanked former President George W. Bush, saying “You deserve a lot of credit, Mr. President.” No kidding, without W’s eight years of work, Obama and Biden would probably never have been elected.
Fruity loops?
Posted September 9, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: marijuana jokes, political jokes
Gov. Ed Rendell has referred to some of the more extreme Republicans running for office this year as “Fruit Loops.” This prompted an immediate demand for an apology. From Kellogg’s.
–
A school named after Al Gore has apparently been built on toxic dirt. That’s like a school named after George W. Bush ending up with a world class library.
–
Or a school named after Hillary Clinton being built on the site of a teddy bear factory?
–
Nick O’Leary, a grandson of Jack Nicklaus and a top high school football recruit, was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards the stands after a recent game. O’Leary is apparently considering Alabama, Miami and Florida. But sounds like he might already be NFL ready.
–
Meghan McCain now says she was so shocked by her father’s choice of Sarah Palin to be his running mate that she ended up crying on the bus. It was probably only a few weeks later that her dad ended up doing the same thing.
–
An aide to Barbara Boxer was caught trying to “remove and conceal a sticky green substance” from his pocket while entering the Senate office building. The substance turned out to be marijuana and the aide has since resigned. Wonder if he will claim he thought it was gum?
–
My friend Jim Barach said the aide may have been re-assigned to a joint committee.
–
44 years ago this week, NBC aired the first episode of Star Trek, a series that actually only aired for three seasons, but nonetheless became a cultural icon. It was a show parents would tell their children about, if anyone who watched those first episodes actually married and reproduced.
–
Former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln Wedsaid Wednesday, saying that it would be a mistake for voters to give in to “anger, apathy and amnesia.” And Sarah Palin replied “Just another example of Democrats using all those high-faluting foreign words.”
–
From Bill Littlejohn:
“Pastor Terry Jones says that, despite calls from as high up as the White House to call it off, he plans on staging ‘International Burn-a-Quran Day’.Couldn’t he just settle on a LeBron James Cleveland jersey, instead?”
Moving on.
Posted September 8, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Oracle jokes, Reggie Bush jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, USC jokes
Regarding that Florida church and the Quran. Anyone who wants to demonstrate their First Amendment rights by burning a book is unclear on the concept.
–
The Redskins are apparently in talks to trade Albert Haynesworth. This after the defensive tackle failed numerous conditioning tests and apparently has been just “awful” with a bad attitude in preseason games. At this point the only way Haynesworth could be less popular in Washington is to be part of Congress.
–
The team most interested in Haynesworth apparently is his old team, Tennessee. But based on Albert’s performance and attitude lately bringing him back to Nashville could be a disaster of “Titanic” proportions.
–
Fired HP CEO Mark Hurd, who just received $12 million PLUS stock options as part of his severance package, has now agreed to join Oracle as a co-president, no doubt for another eight-figure salary plus stock package. And these ex-CEO’s running for office wonder why many voters question their ability to relate to the average American.
–
Actually with Hurd and Ellison in the same boardroom, the fastest way to make a lot of money in Silicon Valley for an attractive woman might be to hire on at Oracle as an executive-assistant. Seems like good odds on being able to file for sexual harrassment.
–
Tuesday morning hangover for the BCS. Since Boise State didn’t fold on national TV and lose to Virginia Tech, this potentially means one less BCS bowl opening for the SEC or Notre Dame. Oh, the horror.
–
So the Heisman Trophy Trust might make Reggie Bush the first person to be stripped of his trophy. What can we learn from this? Killing two people pales in comparison to taking gifts and getting USC put on probation.
–
Manny Ramirez was slightly injured in Tuesday’s White Sox loss to the Tigers. Of course at this point in the season the team doctor may just put Manny on bedrest for his third trimester.
–
Tiger Woods has been named to the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Well, makes sense, one thing he has shown he can do this past year is “Ryder.”
“Hook ups” and beyond.
Posted September 7, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Houshmandzadeh jokes, HP jokes, Oracle jokes
A new study says people who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful pre-sex connection. These people are called “men.”
–
Larry Ellison has hired ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd, who was fired over his “relationship” with Jodie Fisher, as a co-president of Oracle. Guess Ellison got tired of being a slam-dunk choice for the biggest a**hole at his own company.
–
But really, Ellison and Hurd together on the board? Who are they going to use for an executive search firm for administrative assisants? Tiger Woods?
–
Talented but difficult T.J. Houshmandzadeh has signed with Baltimore after being cut by the Seattle Seahawks. Wonder how much of the wide receiver’s attitude it will take to have Ravens fans say “Nevermore.”
–
Apparently Cincinnati was thinking of signing Houshmandzadeh, but with Ochocino and T.O. already, the Bengals figured that would make three of the Four Horse’s A**es of the Apocalypse. (Post inspired by an online conversation with the great Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.)
–
A man was arrested today for scaling a 60 story skyscraper in San Francisco. If he’d just waited until November when Prop 19 (marijuana legalization) may pass, then it would be legal to get high in California.
–
The incredibly violent “Machete”, loosely about a renegade border crime fighter, took second place at the box office this weekend. And Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was thrilled,- “Finally all those beheadings I’ve been talking about.”
–
NFL television analyst Dan Hampton joined the “soon to be unemployed” list, with his comment about Thursday night’s NFL opener between the Saints and Vikings. “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina.”
Let’s really hope they fire him before any games in New York on the weekend of September 11.
–
Chicks may dig the long ball. But this year the Toronto Blue Jays are leading the majors with 244 home runs, the Boston Red Sox are second with 178. Maybe it’s not the home runs that the chicks dig, but that their boyfriends and husbands have Octobers off…
–
Labor Day is in some ways oddly named, since it’s one day that American workers generally get paid not to do their job. In other words, they become honorary members of the Mets bullpen.
–
Tony Blair had to cancel a book signing in central London because of worries about potential protesters on the right and the left. I think I’d take a lot of these folks more seriously about free speech if it applied to anyone but themselves.
–
For many Americans, Labor Day marks the end of summer. In Boston the end of summer was marked Saturday when Jonathan Papelbon blew a 5-3 lead against the White Sox with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. How about that Tom Brady?
September mourning?
Posted September 6, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Matt Leinart jokes, Padres jokes
Matt Leinart was flat out released by the Arizona Cardinals. Who knew the former Heisman winner would turn out to be JaMarcus Russell without the bling?
–
T.J. Houshmandzadeh was cut Thursday by the Seattle Seahawks. The team feels confident they can replace him at wide receiver, but they will take a hit with their clubhouse Scrabble game.
–
Meanwhile the party to celebrate Houshmandzadeh’s departure is still going on for Seattle copy editors and sportscasters.
Ten losses in a row for the reeling Padres. At this point sports fans in San Diego will really be thrilled when the NFL season starts. At least the Chargers have a chance to win once a week.
–
My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg wrote this one, which was used on the Tonight Show – “Padres” is actually an old Spanish word meaning “Chicago Cubs.”
–
The University of Florida won their opening game against Miami of Ohio, 34-12, despite gaining about 20 yards in the first half, and under 40 yards until the last few minutes of the game.
How worried are the Gators? They’re reportedly even looking into what academic program they use to tempt Jeremiah Masoli into transfering.
–
John McCain said Sunday the Republicans should put out a new “Contract with America.” It’s not that McCain disagrees with Newt Gingrich’s original model, it’s that he can’t remember it.
–
Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 63, picked up a win for the Brockton Rox, an independent league baseball team in Massachusetts. Lee started, pitched 5 1/3 innings, and only allowed two runs. And at age 63 he still probably pitched harder than Tim Wakefield.
–
Give Arizona Governor Jan Brewer credit. Who knew another Governor could make Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison?
–
The Jan Brewer debate tape continues to be an online hit. Looks like the title of “most embarrassing and inexplicable silent gap ever for Republicans” no longer belongs to the late Rosemary Woods.
–
Internet evangelist Bill Keller has set up headquarters in a New York Marriott near Ground Zero to speak out against Islam. So let’s see, a “Christian” using a hotel founded and run by Mormons to preach against Muslims – is this an amazing country or what?
Opening week…
Posted September 5, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Dodgers jokes, USC jokes
So most Division 1 football teams have made it through the first week of the season. Many of them with wins against FCS opponents
(FCS – Football Championship Subdivision – formerly known as Division 1-AA)
But really, routs against FCS teams? This is like winning a hot dog eating contest with supermodels.
–
Or being the NFL team who gets to open against the Detroit Lions.
–
How the mighty have fallen. Jonathan Broxton was an All-Star closer and saved the game for the National League. Since then he hasn’t saved a game since Aug 3, and has lost his closer’s job with the Dodgers. And yesterday he gave up a two-run game winning home run against the Giants.
This could be the biggest and fastest fall for a star without an Escalade being involved.
–
Manny Ramirez, who got a few hits in the series when the White Sox swept the Red Sox, said his departure from Boston was “my fault,” and he would have happily rejoined his old team had they claimed on waivers.
Okay, how many Sox fans would have expected more mature behavior out of Manny than Johnny Damon.
–
from Nick Coombs: Matt Leinart was released from the Arizona Cardinals yesterday. Fortunately he still has a lot of money saved from when he played for USC.
–
JetBlue apparently has fired Steven Slater, the flight attendant who became famous for his emergency chute beer-carrying exit. Makes sense, the only employees who can behave that badly in public and still keep their jobs are elected officials and professional athletes.
–
California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman stated “I have been a full-time candidate for well over 20 months. I’m battle tested now.” Uh, Meg, anybody warn you about little things like a budget and a legislature?
–
Mark Hurd, former CEO of HP, is reportedly in talks to join Oracle. Makes sense, at Oracle being involved in a public sex case is practically an executive requirement.
(Larry Ellison has been linked to several office “romances” and at least one lawsuit, Oracle president Charles Phillips had his ex-mistress put a picture of the two together on a billboard in Times Square.)
Dumb and dumber – yet again
Posted September 4, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bristol Palin jokes, Masol jokes, NCAA jokes, Sarah Palin jokes
The NCAA in action: Jeremiah Masoli won his waiver appeal and will be able to play for Ole Miss this year, after he enrolled in the school’s Parks and Recreation graduate program. The former Oregon QB convinced them that he was a student-athlete “who transferred for academic reasons to pursue graduate studies, not to avoid disciplinary measures.”
(The NCAA’s excuse for the waiver, “Massoli was only kicked off the team for his brushes with the law, not expelled from the University) And we wonder how NFL players get the idea that rules don’t apply to them.”)
–
Of course, the whole Masoli story just lends credence to a theory that many people have long suspected – the NCAA is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the SEC.
–
BCS champions Ohio State opened their season with a 45-7 rout of Marshall. Guess Vassar wasn’t available?
–
–
Apparently one sign that Arizona police are using to locate potential illegal immigrants is a poor command of the English language. Governor Brewer had now better not go out without her identification.
–
Sarah Palin is slamming “impotent, limp and gutless” reporters after a Vanity Fair article claimed she had a “mean temper.”
–
Meanwhile, Bristol Palin appeared on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday night to talk about her decision to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this is the young woman who broke up with Levi Johnston for the second time because he was “just obsessed with the limelight.”
–
In Colorado gubernatorial Dan Maes has said that a Denver bike-sharing program is a “well-designed plot” that is converting Denver into a United Nations community.” He added “This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms.”
Leaving aside a number of things, like logic, does anyone actually believe the UN is capable of a well-designed plot?
–
Kat Von D is now dating Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James, and says she believes he is “the one.” Stay tuned for the next installment of “Tattoed women, foolish choices.”
–
The Nationals’ Nyjer Morgan has ended up with an eight-game suspension following three aggressive incidents, which culminated in him charging the mound and inciting a brawl between Washington and the Florida Marlins. On the bright side, Morgan’s been offered a tryout on defense with the Washington Redskins.
–
Carly Fiorina has finally announced she has decided to support Prop 23, which suspends California’s global-warming initiative. (She’s only been running for Senate since last November.) If it takes her 10 months to decide on one proposition, how long will it take her to decide how to vote if she is elected to the Senate?
–
from my funny friend Jim Barach: “President Obama said in his address to the nation on Tuesday night that U.S. has ended its combat role in Iraq and it’s now time to “turn the page.”
So now he has done two things President Bush never accomplished. Ending a war and turning a page.
Are you ready for some football?
Posted September 3, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
The college football season kicked off tonight, and many powerhouses scheduled their usual tough openers. Ohio State took on Marshall, Miami took on Florida A & M, USC took on Hawaii. So once again fans were generally treated to games with all the drama and uncertainty of the Christians taking on the Lions.
–
Of course, what happened to #15 Pittsburgh, who took on a real team, Utah? A 27 to 24 loss. Which basically means the Panthers have been eliminated from any chance at a national championship, and it’s not even Labor Day. So the scheduling of crash-test dummies will continue.
–
And actually, USC only beat Hawaii by 13 points, 49 to 36, and that after knocking out the Warriors starting quarterback on a questionable hit. So looks like that bowl ban for the Trojans just might end up being irrelevant.
–
On the other hand, if this is the beginning of yet another mediocre season for Lane Kiffin, who knows what other team will try to lure him away from USC with a big contract.
–
The University of Alabama, ranked number one in preseason polls, will be without Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram (injury), and defensive MVP of last year’s National Championship Marcell Dareus (suspension), for their season opener against San Jose State. Well, that ought to get the spread under 50.
–
The SF Giants’ new call-up Darren Ford is beyond fast. He came in as a pinch-runner at first base Thursday in a 1-1 tie. Then he made it to second on a lousy bunt, went to third on a ball that only rolled a few feet away from the catcher, and scored on a wild throw. In fact, Ford’s so unstoppable maybe they should nickname him “Toyota.”
–
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman hit 103 mph on the radar gun in his second appearance for the team yesterday. Actually it’s not unusual for young major leaguers to be clocked at over 100 mph. But usually they are driving a car at the time.
–
In California, the first ad has aired supporting Proposition 19, Marijuana Legalization. Presumably it was funded by the makers of Doritos.
–
Feeling up for a challenge? A British gal broke a world record by texting the following in 29 seconds – “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.”
–
from Bill Littlejohn – “Rob Dibble has been fired as the Nationals TV analyst.Steven Strasburg sent him a message telling him to suck it up and to stop crying”
We’ll always have Paris…
Posted September 2, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Paris Hilton jokes
Paris Hilton that is, a one-woman economic stimulus package to comedy writers.
Now she says she thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. Sort of puts a whole new slant on the concept of “Blowing bubbles.”
–
But let’s see, mistaking cocaine for gum? Makes that “flaxseed oil” defense sound almost reasonable.
–
I suppose Paris could have used the defense that she thought the marijuana was oregano, but that would have required at some point in her life that the woman had been in a kitchen.
–
Lindsay Lohan says she is not an alcoholic or a drug user, and that she is “no longer young and irresponsible.” Of course not, she is now grown up and irresponsible.
–
Burger King is reportedly in talks to be acquired by a private equity firm. The companies are said to be working out final stock purchase details, as in “Do you want fries with that?”
–
President Obama called former President George W. Bush yesterday before his speech on the Iraq War. It was partly to be conciliatory and above politics, and also to tell W. that while Obama was redecorating the Oval Office he had ordered staff to put all of Bush’s art projects in a safe place.
–
An attorney testified today in the McCourts’ divorce trial, that Frank McCourt told her he wasn’t going to sign a revised marital agreement that would share the Los Angeles Dodgers with his wife. If Frank really wanted to make Jamie, suffer, however, he would have given her the whole team.
–
During practice yesterday, Kendall Langford of the Miami Dolphins apparently lost a 2.5 carat diamond earring valued at $50,000 on the field. It was the most ridiculous waste of money during the preseason since JaMarcus Russell was still doing drills with the Raiders.
–
In the California leglislature, it’s another year, another deadlock. We can’t even call the California budget a political football – – you can actually pass a football.
–
Also in Calfornia, in Carly Fiorina’s Senate debate with Barbara Boxer, Fiorina compared the state’s economic climate unfavorably to China’s, saying “China has done wonderful things to create jobs.”
This may be true, but even now in the California the unemployment rate isn’t so bad for eight-year olds.
Winners and losers.
Posted September 1, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: golfer who started fire, Tiger Woods jokes
While shooting out of the rough, a Southern California golfer had his club accidentally strike a rock. This caused a spark that lit the grass on fire, resulting in a 12 acre blaze. It might turn out to be most expensive incident involving a golf club since Elin took after Tiger.
–
San Jose State’s football team is travelling to play Alabama Saturday. The tradeoff – be a punching bag in exchange for a $1 million payday. Talk about taking one for the team, this time the team is taking one for the school.
–
But really, being paid $1 million dollars to be humiliated. Normally this only happens to players who sign with the Cubs.
(or for Canadian readers, the Maple Leafs.)
–
Bristol Palin will be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars.” In the meantime, her mother continues with the ongoing reality show “Dancing with the Truth.”
–
Cleveland Browns’ tackle Shaun Rogers will be fined about $400,000 for accidentally having a semi-automatic handgun in his carry-on bag at the airport. All over America women are showing their husbands this story and saying “And you give me crap about not knowing what’s in MY purse?”
–
Lindsay Lohan says she “wants her career back.” Give Lindsay and Paris Hilton some credit, before they showed up, the Department of Labor didn’t realize “skank” was a job description.
(Although it seems to be one that is growing even in a bad economy.)
–
from t.c.
Manny Ramirez was in uniform tonight and ready to take on his new role as White Sox DH – designated headcase.
–
Between A.J. Pierzynski, Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox aren’t just a team, they’re a psychology lab project.
They may not make the playoffs but they’re on the American Psychiatric Association All-Stars.
–
A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord.
I don’t know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident.
–
Donovan McNabb may be injured and unable to start the Redskins season opener. Which means they would start the season with quarterback… Rex Grossman. If true, Washingtonians wouldn’t care WHAT religion Obama was, if the President was praying to a God who could make that work.
“Arrested” development
Posted August 31, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Meg Whitman jokes, Paris Hilton jokes
Mizzou’s football team has now had three DUI arrests in the past couple month. Looks like Missouri has now become the “Show me your license and registration” state.
–
–
According to the New York Times, Stanford’s star quarterback Andrew Luck has a 3.55 GPA and an architectural design major. Said football players at Cal, “what’s architectural design?” Said football players at USC “what’s a major?”
–
Manny Ramirez is expected to join the White Sox Tuesday. His new Chicago teammates will celebrate by throwing him a nice little baby shower.
–
A recent Fox News poll showed 64 percent of Americans think it’s wrong to build a mosque near ground zero. Just wondering, what are those other 36 percent doing listening to Fox News?
–
Elin Nordegren said she gave the “only interview I’m going to give” on her divorce from Tiger Woods to “People” magazine. Now she’s on the cover of Britain’s “Hello” magazine, with her “one and only interview” on the subject. Maybe the celebrity she should have married was Brett Favre.
–
Paris Hilton has been arrested for the third time in a little over a month, this time for cocaine possesion. Though she claims she was carrying someone else’s purse. You’d think for all the money she has, the woman could buy a clue?
–
To be fair to Paris, she doesn’t have a lot to do with her time. Maybe she’s auditioning to be the poster girl for the Cincinnati Bengals?
–
A NY Times article saying the percentage of registered Republicans in Orange County has dropped to 43 percent. Of course, the richest Republicans won’t register until they decide to run for office.
–
Meg Whitman was apparently called for jury duty and attended the first day of juror selection. Scary thing, she already now has more judicial experience than she has political experience.
–
from Gary Morton : On the NFL going to 18 games: we’ll finally get the answer to that old joke, “where do they bury the survivors?”
–
This one’s a little over the top but it’s an interesting take on the economy, seen on a sign in London – “Buy more sh*t or we’re all f**ked.”
Edinburgh quippery?
Posted August 30, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Edinburgh Quippery festival, Favre jokes, Katrina jokes, USA basketball
No, that’s not a sport in a Harry Potter book, but a joke contest in Scotland. Here, for a little cross-Atlantic humor, are the winners….. Some of them prove that laughter is universal, some of them prove that we have absolutely nothing in common with Scotland and England except a language.
The winner, from Tim Vine ”I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” And the rest of the top eight, with attribution.
2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3. Emo Philips: “I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.”
4. Jack Whitehall: “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5. Gary Delaney: “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6. John Bishop: “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7. Bo Burnham: “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8. Gary Delaney: “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
–
And back on this side of the Atlantic..
Brett Favre threw two interceptions during the Vikings-Seahawks preseason game. So much for all those who said missing training camp would mean it would take Favre a long time to get into midseason form.
–
President Obama went to New Orleans to honor the fifth anniversary of Katrina. A FEMA spokesman said “Seems like only yesterday.”
–
So far the USA basketball team looks great at the FIBA World Basketball Championships. On the other hand, they’ve played Croatia and Slovenia. Thats the NBA equivalent of beating up on the Clippers.
–
Despite a scandal involving prostitutes (and diapers), Louisiana Senator David Vitter easily won the GOP primary in his race to be re-elected. Maybe voters were just glad the prostitutes were female.
–
Actually, from my point of view I suppose what a man or woman does in his or her private life is their own business, but Vitter should at least have second thoughts for voting against money for a stimulus.
(No word on how much the prostitutes were paid for stimulating HIS package.)
–
Glenn Beck said of his controversial rally, that he wanted to take the politics out of civil rights. A fair goal…. but when you think of speakers that rise about politics, well, is there anyone but Beck who thinks of Sarah Palin?
Restoring America?
Posted August 28, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Hawaii won the U.S. title at the Little League World Series. Parents of some defeated teams are demanding they show birth certificates indicating they were born in the U.S.
Actually, some parents are probably muttering, “How did those foreigners get into our bracket?”
(Not kidding, in the travel business I have been asked if you need a passport for Hawaii, and if they take U.S. money.
–
An internet hoax indicates that Mars will be as big as the moon in the night sky. If you get such a message, ignore it. Or drink enough tequila and it could be true…
–
Somehow Albert Pujols, who has come out adamantly against the Arizona immigration law, ended up a part of Glenn Beck’s “Restoring Honor” event at the Lincoln Memorial Saturday. Beck said Albert was invited because he was a hero, and because Pujols was the only “diversity” they could get.
–
Sarah Palin spoke at the rally about ‘restoring’ America. Was she talking about our country or a piece of furniture.
–
Actually, if Sarah really wanted to connect with people in D.C. maybe she could have just talked about “restoring” the Nationals and Redskins.
–
–
In the midst of the controversy, Beck said that white Americans didn’t “own” Abraham Lincoln, and black Americans didn’t “own” Martin Luther King. Could he have come up with a worse verb? (And did Beck even notice?)
–
The Glenn Beck rally was billed, among other things, as a “a celebration of the First Amendment.” Stay tuned tomorrow to hear Sarah Palin criticize the media coverage.
–
The U.S. beat Croatia 106-78 in the opening rounds of the World Basketball Championships. So it’s not the “Dream Team” but in the first round at least they avoided a nightmare loss.
–
Many NFL players are against the proposed 18 game season because they think it will be too much wear and tear on their bodies. So anyone who wants to make money for playing a shorter season will just have to go to USC.
–
How bad a month did Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum suddenly have? Rumor has it Tiger Woods asked him “Dude, did some gal come after you with a nine-iron too?”
Crashes, explosions, etc…
Posted August 27, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Paul the Octopus jokes
Some stock market watchers are worried about something called the “Hindenberg Omen,” which has been about 25 percent accurate in predicting market crashes. Still others are waiting for a prediction from Paul the Octopus.
–
British Airways apologized after an recorded message was accidentally broadcast on a London-Hong Kong flight. The message said “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”
So much for all those who said they had the worst flight of the week because of an inedible meal or a crying baby.
–
47 years to the day after Martin Luther King, Jr gave his “I have a dream” speech at the Lincoln Memorial, Glenn Beck will give a speech, “Restoring Honor”, on those same steps. I’m pretty sure the only dream MLK would have had regarding such a speech would have involved a hard night and WAY too much tequila.
–
UNC’s athletic director says the football program is under investigation for “improprieties that existed outside the classroom.” Responded most Tarheel players when asked “What classroom?”
–
Bad news for Stephen Strasburg, who while he has a guaranteed $15 million contract, will need to undergo Tommy John surgery and miss the 2011 season. Worse news for all those poor guys and gals trying to sell Nationals 2011 season tickets.
–
The White Sox were apparently awarded the waiver claim on Manny Ramirez. Let’s see, this could mean Ozzie Guillen and Manny in the same clubhouse… isn’t this some kind of violation against a weapons treaty.
–
A great comment from George Emil about yesterday’s post that Dennis Rodman had slept with 2,000 women. I wondered how many of them were lesbians. George wondered, how many of them BECAME lesbians?
–
The preseason is months away, and the NBA has suspended Brandon Rush of the Indiana Pacers, Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings and Kenny Hasbrouck of the Miami Heat for separate incidents.
These guys aren’t doing much to refute the NBA image of “Nothing but A**holes.”
Levi Johnston now says he regrets his apology to Sarah Palin, because it wasn’t true, but he did it to make Bristol happy. In some ways it’s a shame the two have broken up, because they really are perfect for each other.
–
Emergency Management agency director Mike Brown tells NBC’s “Today” show “there was a disconnect” between the truth and what the Bush administration was saying about the situation. Responded former President Bush – “There was no disconnect, the White House electricity never went off.”
–
–
from T.C.
PGA golfer Jim Furyk missed his Pro-Am time due to his alarm failing, thus disqualifying him from this week’s event. No word on whether Ken Griffey Jr was in his group.
–
and new Elton John song “Brady hates the Jets.”
–
An open question to those who feel that the government should somehow regulate the building of mosques. Are you okay with the next step being government regulation of YOUR church?
Big tent?
Posted August 26, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ken Mehlman jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Larry Craig, California State Senator Roy Ashburn, Ken Mehlman…. The GOP may or may not have that “Big Tent.” But they sure have a big closet.
–
Ken Mehlman, former RNC chair and director of President Bush’s 2004 re-election campaign, came out of the closet, and said he will become a gay rights advocate. So Mehlman spent the first 44 years of his life being ashamed of his homosexuality, now he can spend the rest of his life being ashamed of having helped re-elect George W?
–
Mehlman, said of his coming out “It’s something I wish I had done years ago.” And millions of gay Americans who faced discrimination during the Bush years added “Not half as much was we do.”
–
Regarding Melman’s saying he wants to become a gay rights advocate.. isn’t that like…
Jon Gosselin writing a parenting book?
Newt Gringrich espousing family values?
John Edwards defending traditional marriage?
Bristol Palin promoting abstinence?
Oops, never mind.
–
One of the reasons Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston for a second time was that she said he only cared about being in the media limelight. No doubt we will hear more about that from Bristol now that she has signed up to appear on “Dancing with the Stars.”
–
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the league plans to expand to an 18 game regular season in 2012. That is, if they can prove that for Detroit Lions fans, 18 games isn’t a violation of the Geneva convention.
–
Elin Nordegren said she never hit Tiger Woods on the night of his car crash. Sounds like her aim is about as good as her ex-husband’s has been lately.
–
Stephen Strasburg will apparently be shut down for the year. Well, his season lasted longer than the Cubs’.
–
Rick Scott, who spent $38 million of his own money to win the Florida Republican senate primary,, says there is no limit on what he will spend to win the general election. Scoffed Meg Whitman in California, “everything’s cheaper in Florida.”
–
Bill Littlejohn noted that Dennis Rodman says he has had sex with 2000, which figures as he was always about 10 percent the player Wilt was.
(Wonder how many of those 2000 women were lesbians?)
Moving on, or not…
Posted August 25, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Johnny Damon jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
The NFL fined Ochocinco $25,000 for two Twitter violations during the Bengals-Eagles preseason game. Well, good to see the Cincinnati receiver is in midseason form.
–
Tiger Woods’ now ex-wife Elin was featured on the cover of People Magazine for what she said was her first and last interview. Well, at least until someone makes her a better offer.
(Nothing against Elin here, who probably had no idea quite what she was getting into with Woods….but on the other hand, expecting a quiet, private life being married to the most famous golfer in the world, who had a playboy reputation as a single man. Well, let’s just say that Hillary Clinton had to be thinking, “Yeah, right, honey.”)
–
–
To err is human, to forgive apparently is not Johnny Damon’s policy.
–
Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner: “OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”
Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”
–
The SF Giants scored 12 runs Monday and 16 runs Tuesday against Cincinnati. Since when did the Reds’ pitching staff get replaced by the Bengals defense?
–
In Alaska, Gulf War veteran Joe Miller has about a 1900 vote lead over Senator Lisa Murkowski in the GOP primary. He says Sarah Palin’s endorsement was “pivotal.” Of course, that could mean without her endorsement he’d be ahead by 10,000 votes.
But really, 1900 votes in a statewide race? In California that’s the approximate total every election of voters who write in “Mickey Mouse.”
–
Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, is coming out with a book on parenting advice. Wouldn’t that be kind of like buying a book on decision making from Brett Favre?
–
Miss Mexico won the Miss Universe title. The other contestants congratulated her and in a display of customary pageant sportsmanship immediately then tried to have her deported.
–
Google announced Wednesday that they will compete with Skype by allowing Gmail users will be able to make free phone calls to the U.S. and Canada from within the e-mail service. Said most Gmail users under 25… what’s a phone call?
–
Sean Connery is 80. Which means 007 now takes his martinis “shaken not stirred,” or was it “stirred not shaken”, or, was it….. “Hell, just give me some vodka.”
Knowing when to quit?
Posted August 24, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: Uncategorized
Tags: Favre jokes, Roger Clemens
The judge in the Roger Clemens case has issued a gag order. Shame for the Rocket that someone didn’t issue one to him before he voluntarily testified.
–
The Basketball World Championships begin this Sunday in Istanbul, officially known as the FIBA (Fédération Internationale de Basketball Amateur) championships.
Basketball Amateur? Sounds like a Wizards-Clippers game.
–
Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner:
“OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”
Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”
–
Tyler Thomas, 19, a now former Oregon State University offensive lineman, has been dismissed from the team after police say they found him naked in a stranger’s home and had to use stun guns to take him into custody.
Apparently after a call, the police showed up, ordered him to surrender and Thomas then dropped into a football formation and charged the officers.
The young man has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest. A police spokesman also says “he was absolutely intoxicated. Really? What was their first clue?
–
A team of students from Canadian universities are teaming up with several Canadian companies to make an electric vehicle out of hemp (cannabis). The cars will hold up to three passengers, reach 55 miles an hour and go for up to 100 miles without having to be recharged. The only problem, they keep stopping at 7-11s and doughnut shops.
–
Christina Applegate says she is going to be the worlds first hippie type A mom. Is she kidding? Has she never been around any “hippie type” mom faced with the option of feeding her baby non-organic food?
–
For SF Giants fans – okay, Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria may have been disasterous signings. But on the brighter side….Brian Sabean didn’t offer a contract to Manny Ramirez.
–
Sammy Sosa is upset that the Cubs haven’t retired his number. Disillusioned Cubs fans are telling Sammy to “put a cork in it.”
–
from Marc Ragovin on the same subject: Sammy Sosa has accused the Cubs of disrespecting him by assigning his #21 to a current player. “Well someone has a swelled head.
–
Another comment from Gary Morton on T.O. – about his open letter to Cincinnati fans: “Terrell Owens says he has matured. Had he not written it in crayon, he might be more believable.
“
Goodbye Sweet Lou…
Posted August 23, 2010 by left coast sports babeCategories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
A quick note up front, if these jokes seem more lame than usual this week I am out of the country on vacation, although thanks to the sporting and political worlds (and great friends and readers) for providing me with material in the limited time I have to post this blog this week.
–
Lou Pinella abruptly quit the Cubs to spend time with his ailing mother. Can you blame him? Considering the season the Cubs are having, given the chance to manage the team, many men would think it would be preferable to spend time with their sullen teenagers.
–
Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate.
–
Oklahoma City Thunder center Nenad Krstic thinks he might be suspended for the World Championships in Istanbul because he threw a chair during in a bench-clearing brawl during Serbia’s game against Greece. On the other hand, he’s been offered a one-on-one reality TV special with Bobby Knight.
–
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced through their lawyers that they are officially divorced, and that “once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure (our children’s) future well-being.
Translation of “amicable” – no golf clubs were involved.
–
A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of “Go Topless” day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with.
–
from Alex Kaseberg:
Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.
–
Pratt hasn’t actually started writing the book yet, but he has gone so far as to ask former President George W. Bush for his suggestion as to the best brand of crayons.
–
–
from Jim Barach: Senator John McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday that he hasn’t changed his positions on issues like immigration, taxes and climate change as he has been accused of doing.
He said at his age it’s just getting harder to remember all the issues in the first place.
–
In the Sacramento Rivercats “Battle of the Bobbleheads,” the 1250 Meg Whitman bobblehead giveaways lasted a few minutes less than the 1250 Jerry Brown bobbleheads. Which either means slightly more fans preferred Whitman, or they preferred to get her bobblehead for target practice.
–
As these demonstrations against building new Mosques spread across the United States, most recently to Tennessee and Southern California, it’s becoming more clear that some people’s idea of “too near to Ground Zero” means “anywhere on the same continent.”
Left Coast Sports Babe 