Archive for January 2013

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“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

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If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)

 

If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

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Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

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The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

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Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

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A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

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John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

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So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

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Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

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AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

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BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

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Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Not their Luck-y day.

January 6, 2013

Some thought the Colts’ fairytale story could continue deep into the postseason. Quoth the Ravens, “Nevermore.”

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Russell Wilson gave up a promising baseball career to play football.  Not sure who’s more upset about that now, MLB fans or the Washington Redskins.

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And okay, it’s the year of the rookie QB, but as to “last man standing,” who had Wilson?

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Not saying Russell Wilson is short, but he looks up to Doug Flutie. Literally.

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The AP has published their final election 2012 totals, and Mitt Romney got 47 percent of the vote. You’re a mean bitch, Karma.

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“Catmoji” has just launched. The first social network for cats. Presumably instead of “like” there will be an “ignore” button.

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Mamie Rearden, 114, just died, only 16 days after she became America’s oldest person. And her predecessor, Dina Manfredini, 115, died after being the oldest for less than two weeks. We’ve finally found a title that is more dangerous than being #3 with Al Qaeda.

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Syracuse coach Doug Marrone is leaving to coach the Buffalo Bills. Well, not sure what motivates Marrone, but it sure isn’t weather.

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Good that they usually end up getting it right. But how many of football’s most famous plays (Flutie’s Hail Mary, the Immaculate Reception, etc.. ) would have been a little different if they needed a 2-minute pause and then “After further review, the ruling on the field stands…”

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Always hated those TV bits early in football games where some starters introduce themselves and the universities they may or may not have graduated from. But got to love the Vikings DE last night – “Jared Allen, Culinary Academy.”

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The Bengals’ Andy Dalton on Saturday had one of the worst NFL playoff passing games in history. But Rex Ryan would still probably keep him in over Tim Tebow.

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Coach Brian Kelly says that leaving the Fighting Irish for the NFL “isn’t an option.” Right, like he told his Bearcats players in Dec. 2009 about Notre Dame: “It’s not an issue; I’m not going there. I love Cincinnati, and I’m staying here.”‘

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Nick Saban has sent two backup Alabama players home from the BCS championship game for violating curfew. So wonder if they were the only players who missed their bed check, or the only non-starters who missed their bed check.

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Thirty second Super Bowl ads going for $3.8M are almost sold out.   The New York Jets are rumored to have purchased a spot trying to sell a couple of QBs.

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So the same “sources” that had Oregon coach Chip Kelly gone to the NFL yesterday now have him returning to the Ducks. Hmm, maybe those NCAA sanctions against Oregon aren’t as imminent as we thought.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:   “A battery powered toothbrush that was ticking set off a bomb scare at Atlanta’s airport. Apparently the TSA agents in Georgia had never actually encountered a toothbrush before.”

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(my follow up thought.  No report on who the traveler in question was, but guess we can assume he or she was not from England.)

 

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Japanese automaker Toyota announced plans to unveil their self-driving car research. Okay, there is no way to make a P.C. Asian driver joke here…

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Oh say can you almost see Opening Day…

January 5, 2013

Opening night for Major League Baseball will be on ESPN Sunday, March 31, with the Astros against the Rangers. Might be the only night of the year the Houston Astros are nationally televised.

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Turns out Rex Ryan has a tattoo on his arm of his wife wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and nothing else. Well, this is an twist on the usual joke that a lousy player who’s still getting game time must have hidden pictures of the coach naked or something.

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Nancy Pelosi posted a picture of all the House Democratic women posing on the Capitol steps. But the picture included photo-shopped images of four women who actually hadn’t made it to the photo shoot. Shocking, Pelosi might try to doctor an appearance?

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These are not your father’s Republicans: Former GOP senator Chuck Hagel is reported to be Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Defense. And Sen. Lindsey Graham said on Dec. 30 there would be “very little Republican support” for his nomination.

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The Chicago Bears are now apparently interviewing Montreal Alouettes coach Marc Trestman for their head coaching job. So if he fails at getting the team to the post season will Bears fans blame Canada?

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Lance Armstrong is reportedly considering admitting that he used PEDs. What? Does he think it will help him get into the Baseball Hall of Fame?

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Chip Kelly is apparently close to a deal with the Cleveland Browns. Anyone want to start the pool on when the NCAA will announce sanctions on the Oregon Ducks?

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Although the Lakers made it close in the end,  watching Los Angeles Clippers turn “Showtime” into “Slowtime.” Or maybe the “Too-Late-Showtime.”

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A pilot for American Airlines subsidiary American Eagle was arrested before a flight from Minneapolis to La Guardia after witnesses smelled alcohol on his breath and he failed a Breathlyzer test. What next, a pilot sobriety surcharge?

(added my friend Walt Rau,  “He would have been sober in time for the landing at La Guardia. What’s the problem?”

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One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  –  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?

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Tone deaf and dumb.

January 3, 2013

Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.

 

 

The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.

 

Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?

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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?

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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?

 

Wonder after the Gators’  Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?

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Another Sugar Bowl thought  -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.

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On a positive note,

Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game.  Well, now we have two.  Congrats to Charlie Strong.

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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”

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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?

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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?

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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?

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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?

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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.

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That Rosy feeling.

January 2, 2013

I see red people.

red

Anyone else twisted enough to wish that the Stanford band had done a “Road to the Rose Bowl” halftime show for Wisconsin? Since that road went through the tattoo parlors of Columbus, Ohio, and the showers of Penn State….

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Some trash talking from Berkeley folks that Stanford didn’t win impressively enough today in Pasadena. Alas, I can’t counter…somehow forgot how Cal did in this year’s bowl game.

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Stanford Cardinal today trying to become second California team to win a bowl game this season. (Joining the San Jose State Spartans.)

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Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett said today he plans to sue the NCAA in federal court over the sanctions against Penn State. Just when the whole sordid mess has faded a little from the headlines…..

(as my friend Michael Duca says “Immediately moving House Republicans into bronze medal position in the Tone Deafness Olympics (also bumping NRA out of the Gold Medal)).

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Crystal Harris, 26, and Hugh Hefner, 86, are married, a year after Crystal called off their 2011 wedding, claiming that sex with Hef lasted “like two seconds.” Will the happy couple now announce that last night was the best two seconds of their lives?

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Good news – the fiscal cliff has temporarily been averted,.  Bad news – instead of really walking away from the cliff congress just decided to rest on the ledge for a couple months.

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An Orange Bowl official reportedly told Northern Illinois “We didn’t even want you here.” And most of America responded said “Exactly how we feel about the whole BCS system.”

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The SF 49ers signed kicker Billy Cundiff to compete with struggling field goal kicker David Akers.  Cundiff was released in November by the Washington Redskins after missing 5 of his 12 field goal attempts…  5 of 12?!    Well, at worst Cundiff will assure that San Francisco field goal attempts are good for beer sales.

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Rose Bowl Trophy Ceremony

January 1, 2013

Rose Bowl Trophy Ceremony

Better to win than to cover.

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Happy 2013.

January 1, 2013

And may your troubles only last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.

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On a brighter note, your 2012 resolutions are officially null and void.

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In honor of the NY Jets, rumor has it that New Year’s Eve in  Times Square the ball wasn’t declared “dropped,”  it was “butt-fumbled.”

 

Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the “fiscal cliff” 89-8. 89-8?! That’s not a vote count, that’s a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents.

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President Obama said  early Monday of a potential fiscal cliff deal that if there were even “one second left for Congress to do what they’re suppose to do, they will use that one second.” Of course Congress being largely male he might have added some of them will do anything to avoid their wives’ New Year’s Eve parties.

 

Seven NFL coaches at least fired Monday. I blame Obama.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Coaching question of the night. Who will be the next fool to overpay Lane Kiffin?

 

San Diego Zoo sign in front of tiger enclosure. “For your safety please stay behind railing.”. May I suggest that if you need the sign, you’re already well on your way to some future Darwin award.

 

The Chicago Bears fired coach Lovie Smith after a 10 win season. In Washington, wonder if 10 wins will be enough to save the job of Randy Wittman, coach of the Wizards.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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