Archive for July 2012

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Women’s work?

July 8, 2012

The Yankees’ Mark Texiera has accused Red Sox reliever Vincente Padilla of headhunting. Padilla’s response “I think, maybe (he) picked the wrong profession. I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport. Guessing Padilla has never watched women’s rugby or roller derby.

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For that matter,  Nordstrom’s  has just asked Texiera if he’d like to attend opening day of their next shoe sale.

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Ernest Borgnine has passed away at the age of 95. You might have been a teenager in the 70s if you think maybe in heaven he’s already swimming again with Shelley Winters.

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A concert in Pyongyang for new leader Kim Jong Un featured performers dressed as Mickey Mouse, Tigger and other Disney characters. Does this signal a softening in North Korean relations with the West? Or is it just a step towards using “It’s a Small World” as a torture device.

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Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, FL, Republican Party next month. No, this is not from the Onion.

-Wimbledon mens final Sunday was at 2p London time:  The response in the US ?    “Let’s see if Andy Murray can win for the UK – 10%; “Let’s see if Switzerlands’s Roger Federer can win his 7th title – 10%; “There’s no American involved, screw it, I’m sleeping in.” – 80%.

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George Zimmerman is reportedly in a “safe house” in Florida. Presumably his security team also brings him things like iced tea and Skittles.

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John Boehner recently said the American people “probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November.

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Is there some rule that Yankees-Red Sox games must go at least 3 1/2 hours?

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A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S.

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At the first day’s running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, one man was gored, and another was dragged by a bull. According to CNN, the dragged runner was from Japan, and their “gender was not immediately released.” Uh, let me guess.

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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently negotiating a divorce settlement instead of going to court. Translation, they’re trying to figure out a number high enough for Katie to keep her mouth shut.

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Vikings RB Adrian Peterson was arrested Saturday night on a resisting arrest charge. Yet another NFL player wanting a trade to the Bengals?

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Be careful what you wish for department:    Have to wonder, did anyone connected with the San Diego Fireworks fizzle say they thought their show should be the most watched in the country? If so, they did at least get their wish – over 4 million Youtube views now alone!

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Heat enough for you?

July 7, 2012

Ray Allen is going to Miami. Another example of “If you cannot B’Heat ‘Em, Join ‘Em”

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If this keeps up even the Los Angeles Lakers will see warm and cuddly by comparison.

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Apparently the U.S. Government’s anti-mermaid statement – “No evidence of aquatic human aquatic humanoids has ever been found” was prompted by an Animal Planet show on mermaids. What’s next, an anti-talking teddy bear statement prompted by the movie “Ted?”

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Justin Bieber was cited for speeding on a Los Angeles area freeway Friday. Shocking! Bieber is old enough to drive?

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That darn liberal math thing strikes again: Five-term congressman Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) is resigning from Congress after his office failed to submit enough valid signatures to qualify for the Republican primary ballot. (He submitted 2,000, needed 1,000, but apparently only 200-300 were valid.)

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Apparently one surprising name on Mitt Romney’s V.P. list is Meg Whitman. Because nothing says you’ll fight wasteful government spending like teaming with a woman who spent $160 million to lose her race for Governor in California?

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Brad Pitt’s mother wrote a letter to her local newspaper, urging people to vote for Mitt Romney because President Obama is a “liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.” Well, maybe this is why Angelina never wanted to get married –that future mother-in-law.

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Mitt Romney said the recent anemic job figures were “a kick in the gut.” And to his GOP friends in Congress he added “Keep kicking.”

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Mark Rickis added “I just saw a picture of a banner that states “New Hampshire Stands With Mitt Romney”. Does that mean that somebody knows where Mitt stands?”

(The banner makes sense in a way though, because most of those banners, and thus  statements are “blowin’ in the wind.”

 

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George Zimmerman has posted $1 million bail and has been released from jail. If he’s out walking around though, isn’t it reasonable that people might find him threatening?

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Snookie apparently reacted to seeing her fetus on an ultrasound: “Eww… I’m gonna throw up! Said her unborn son  “Back at ya, mom.”

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TSA is now doing random screens at the gate of beverages purchased AFTER passengers go through security. Wonder what the point is? The pilots prefer not to mix their cocktails until after they board.

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Avis now allows their  renters to rent portable Wi-Fi hotspots in the U.K. Just what we need, Americans trying to drive on the wrong side of the road while playing with their smartphones….

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TGIF – again?

July 6, 2012

The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.

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The Giants’ Aubrey Huff,  hitting .155 and  on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?

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Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”

(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)

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According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?

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An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.

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Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?

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Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?

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Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.

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David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.

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Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”

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Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”

(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”

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Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)

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The morning after.

July 5, 2012

Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.

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-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.

When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”

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The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?

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Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.

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SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week.   After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.

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Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers.  Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.

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Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers.  Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.

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Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.

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-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”

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Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?

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Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.

From T.C.  “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”

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Hot dogs and pizza and pie, oh my

July 4, 2012

Chuck E. Cheese is planning to do a major revamp of their mascot into a hipper rodent rock star with an electric guitar. Maybe they’d be better off to spend the money revamping their pizza?

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California congressman “Pete” Stark told reporters today he’s not likely to debate his opponent this fall because “we’d only get stupid questions like you’re asking.” Is Stark running for re-election, or aspiring to be Governor of New Jersey?

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Suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce. Wonder if she couldn’t face the idea of him around the house for a year.

 

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Tuesday was the official weigh-in for New York’s annual July Fourth hot dog eating contest – one sport where Americans still can claim world domination.

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The forecast in San Francisco for July 4 is for cool weather and fog that may unfortunately obscure fireworks. “Oh STFU” said residents of most of the midwest and east coast.

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No one but Tony La Russa really knows if he left Cincinnati’s Johnny Cueto or Brandon Phillips because of a 2010 brawl between the Reds and the Cardinals. But remember this, La Russa is a man who intentionally walked Barry Bonds… in spring training.

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Salon reports that a “source” says Justice John Roberts not only authored the majority opinion upholding Obamacare, but also much of the dissent. If true, who does Roberts think he is? Mitt Romney?

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Mets general manager Sandy Alderson sent out this tweet today: “Wright vs. Sandoval: A city of 8 million was outvoted by a city of 800,000.” Brian Sabean probably should refrain from responding “It’s constitutional, bitches.

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Just wondering New York Mets fans….where was the outrage in 2009 when David Wright was voted to the All-Star team, although Pablo Sandoval had much better numbers?

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From Gary M.:  How successful was SF’s get out the vote campaign?   Sandoval also won Mexico’s Presidential election, yesterday.

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Michele Bachmann was asked if she was being vetted by the Romney campaign as a running mate. Her response: “Whoever it is that he chooses to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moment’s notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House.” If true, she’s not being vetted.

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Nine people were injured in New Hampshire Tuesday night, when a fireworks explosion inside a home set it ablaze. Do newspaper editors have this template ready every July 4 so they can just change the location and details on the injuries?

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NY state rep, Marty Golden, 63. facing a great deal of criticism, cancelled his planned business etiquette event on “posture, deportment and the feminine presence.” where women would learn “sit, stand and walk like a model.” Even Chris Christie had to be thinking Golden is out of touch with women.

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R.I.P. Andy Griffith. You know you might be getting old if you remember he had a show before “Matlock.”

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All-starred.

July 2, 2012

A All-Star tale of two cities: SF Giants fans stuffed the ballot box and were happy to get three starters on the team. NY Yankees fans got three of their players named to the team and thought “we should have stuffed the ballot box.”

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At this point Buster Posey is likely to end up catching Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey.  Hmm, maybe it was Yadier Molina and Carlos Ruiz who stuffed the ballot box for him.

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What is the “age of reason?” It might be 33. The age at which all of Tom Cruise’s wives have divorced him.

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The Tour de France started this weekend. Yet another event that most Americans no longer care about now that we have no chance of winning.

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Alec Baldwin married yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas over the weekend. By all accounts it was a lovely wedding. Except when out of habit Alec accidentally punched the photographer.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a press conference about storm damage, but when a reporter asked a question on a different topic, responded “Did I say on topic? Are you stupid? On topic, on topic. Next question.” If   Obama is re-elected, he could make Christie a bi-partisan advisor in charge of heckling.

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Senior Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom said today that the Governor agrees, the fee for not having insurance is a penalty and not a tax. After all, that’s what Mitt thought it was when he implemented Obamacare/Romneycare in Massachusetts.

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Anderson Cooper is the latest public figure to come out of the closet. Well, now that Tom Cruise is single…..

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Michael Phelps has dropped the 200 freestyle for London, meaning he will only have a chance for 7 golds at the 2012 Olympics. Slacker.

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A new study has found the more coffee you drink, the more you may be protecting yourself against skin cancer. Well, makes sense, the more time you spend in line at Starbucks the less time you are out in the sun.

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From my friend Rich Lieberman:  CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.

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First Dwight Howard wanted to be traded, then he wanted to stay with the Orlando Magic, now he wants to be traded again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”

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Vote early and often.

July 1, 2012

The wonders of ballot stuffing: Pablo Sandoval named an All-Star starter. Now I love Panda. But the best 3rd baseman in the National League? Some days he’s not even the best 3rd baseman on the SF Giants.

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Maybe three starters voted in does at least confirm the San Francisco Bay Area’s position as the U.S. leader in technology?

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After Rush Limbaugh’s statements on moving over Obamacare there are reports of Costa Rica beefing up their border patrol.

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Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is requesting federal disaster relief for losses incurred this year by Wisconsin fruit tree growers and maple syrup producers. Some of these GOP Governors deal with the federal government like teenagers with their parents – “get out of my life, but give me money.”

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Florida Governor Rick Scott says the state will not comply with Obamacare. Tough words from a man whose hospital chain was convicted of Medicare fraud and paid a $900 MILLION fine.

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Kevin Garnett, who was considering retirement, has decided to return to the Boston Celtics. “What’s the rush?” said Brett Favre.

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How did Mitt Romney ever get the reputation as an elitist? “I want to make sure that we keep America a place of opportunity, where everyone has a fair shot. They get as much education as they can afford…”

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Boise State has formerly announced their intention to leave the Mountain West Conference. The Broncos hope to join San Diego State in being in the Big East in football and the Big West in other sports. And they wonder why athletes have trouble with geography.

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SF 49ers star rookie Aldon Smith apparently sustained minor injuries when he was stabbed at a party near San Jose. This comes five months after a DUI in Florida. What’s Smith trying to do? Get traded to the Bengals?

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NBC is planning a live broadcast of the musical “The Sound of Music.” And millions of men hearing that said “Honey, that seems like a great night to go shopping.”

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4-0 for Spain over Italy to win the Euro Cup. Four goals, really? Somebody check Kiev’s humidor.

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From my friend Rich Lieberman, (not sure if original or forwarded.)   “CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.”

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