Posted tagged ‘UCLA jokes’

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Not so big ballers.

November 15, 2017

No way was China putting American basketball players in jail for 10 years. If NBA pulled their shoe factories would put tens of thousands of Chinese children out of work.

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UCLA coach Steve Alford suspended 3 players caught shoplifting, they “will use this time to focus on their academics.” Players thinking-“what are academics?”

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Without the three suspended players UCLA did pull out a win. In overtime. Against Central Arkansas.  So will the suspension be two or three games?

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Hal Steinbrenner said he would have still fired Joe Girardi had Yankees won World Series. Even George would have thought that a bit harsh.

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Ezekiel Elliott has withdrawn appeal & will serve his suspension. Which coincidentally will get him back just in time for playoffs. #Cowboys

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Wouldn’t it be nice if the good citizens of Alabama surprise us and give #DougJones a resounding victory on Dec. 12?

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In Tulsa a 26-year-old Democrat upset an incumbent GOP State Senator. Did I mention she is a woman.  Who is lesbian. Who has an African-American wife…. Oklahoma fabulously OK.

 

Trump  – America’s “‘standing’ has never been stronger than it is right now.” To quote Princess Bride, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

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Whole Foods/Amazon announced they’re lowering Thanksgiving prices. So this year you can finance your turkey without taking out a 2nd mortgage.

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Charles Manson reportedly in “grave condition.” What a shame said absolutely, positively, nobody.

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Pretty clear #CharlesManson has only lasted as long as he has because the devil doesn’t want him either.

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Senate bill will eliminate taxes on management fee taxes paid by private jet owners. Finally, some serious middle-class tax relief.

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Some saying in light of #RoyMoore situation we’re letting Bill Clinton get off too easy on assault allegations. Think Dems might change role of Bill in party now if GOP would change role of Trump.

 

#RoyMoore‘s lawyer, the allegations are “incredibly, incredibly, painful for him, his wife, his mom, his daughter, his grandchildren.” Uh, those girls are and/or were someone’s “wives, moms, daughter and grandchildren.”

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Trump is now overturning Obama’s ban on importing elephant & rhino trophies. Normally a pacifist but about ready to throw something at next person who says Hillary & Trump were no different.

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What’s the spread?

November 8, 2017

Jerry Jones has apparently declared war on Roger Goodell. Pass the popcorn, this could be more fun than most NFL games.

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Jameis Winston apologized for inciting incident with Saints that led to Mike Evans suspension. Will Bucs QB say he was a little crabby?

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Lonzo Ball says he hasn’t spoken to any of his family since his brother was arrested for shoplifting. So every cloud DOES have a silver lining?

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Some media controversy since various New York Giants players have told reporters both that head coach Ben McAdoo does and doesn’t have the support of his team.

At 1-7 does it matter?

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Christopher Plummer, 87 to replace Kevin Spacey in “All the Money in the World.” Twitter really needs to have #Trendingnotdead hashtag.

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Not sure what Donna Brazile plans to do with the rest of her life, but clearly it doesn’t involve Democratic party.

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A top focus for Danica Roem’s campaign was Northern Virginia traffic. Proving perhaps that most people don’t care what bathroom you use as long as it doesn’t take hours on road to get to one.

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Some thought there’d be little election coverage on Fox News today. Wrong, plenty of coverage. On last year’s election. #WhenallelsefailsattackHillary

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New Trump restrictions go into effect for Cuba today, making it much harder for ordinary Americans to travel there. But cigars & rum still OK. Priorities!

 

Give Trump credit. Might be first GOP President ever to be mocked at the #CMAawards #beforehetweets

 

Trump today in Beijing on trade “I don’t blame China.’ Too soon to start a pool on when he will next blame China?

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Looking at minority and women’s vote totals from yesterday have to wonder how long before GOP tries to repeal 15th & 19th amendments?

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Is “my memory has been refreshed” the new “pushed into a lifeboat?”. #Lewandowski

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Trump apparently has been driving White House chef crazy trying to get him to replicate McDonald’s food. So he hasn’t heard of Doordash?

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Sebastian Gorka now employed by Fox News. Congrats to all those who had Nov. 8 in the pool.

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Interesting, praised @JustinTrudeau on Twitter & suddenly got an avalanche of responses, many from possible bots. So now Russia’s interested in Canada’s election?

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If Democrats insist on focusing on last election, 2017 is now officially the last election. And the message is #unityindiversity

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Catch of the year?

October 16, 2015

Yeah, so Francis Owusu made an incredible touchdown catch for Stanford. But he may never again be able to order pizza in Indiana.

francis-owusu-catch

Although if you haven’t seen the video  – https://vine.co/v/eE0xe6eY2pu   Francis Owuso and Stanford also managed with an after midnight eastern time play  to pull off #1 in ESPN’s top plays, beating out time zones AND East coast bias. ‪

How cool is it for SF Bay Area sports fans?   #BeatLA twice in one night.

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So if ‪#‎Utley‬ retires in the offseason do they suspend him for his first two old-timers games? ‪

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Donald Trump is threatening to skip the next debate. The horror. The remaining candidates might actually have to talk about issues.
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Khloe Kardashian is calling the owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom collapsed a “publicity pimp.” This in between numerous calling out of kettles for being black.
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Your heartwarming story for the day. Kim Kardashian is so upset at her ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom’s condition that she has CANCELED HER BABY SHOWER FOR THIS WEEKEND. ‪#‎familyvalues‬
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Oscar Pistorius will be released to house arrest next week, about 2 1/2 years after he fatally shot his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. Amazing. If he were an NFL star Pistorius would have received at least a 6 game suspension.
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Eagles coach Chip Kelly said today he is not a candidate for the head coaching jobs at USC and Texas. Well, makes sense, he’s got a perfectly good job coaching an amateur team now.
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Donald Trump’s son Eric talking about his dad’s presidential campaign, says his dad “does not lose.” Of course not, Trump will use the Vietnam method: Declare victory and pull out.
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As of August 1, 2016, college students in Texas will be allowed to have guns in their dorm rooms. Guess it makes some sense, if you make it almost impossible to have an abortion in the state, got to find ways to cull the herd somehow.
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Not a fan of showboating, and the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t play that way. But interesting tweet about Bautista’s home run and bat flip: “@MikeAndMike in the playoffs and a late inning go ahead HR, there is nothing wrong with what @JoeyBats19 did. Regular season it’s a nae nae.”
The tweeter, Joe Carter.
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The Seattle Seahawks suspended FB Derrick Coleman indefinitely pending charges of vehicular assault and hit and run. According to ESPN, Coleman has played on 20% of the team’s offensive snaps this year and has also played on special teams. Of course, I am sure the team would have also suspended him as quickly if he were a star. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Where did all the blue people go?

November 28, 2014

This is a picture of a mostly sold-out Rose Bowl in the 4th quarter of today’s UCLA-Stanford game.

 

ucla

 

To be fair,  wonder how many Stanford fans were not only happily watching the game, but wondering, Who is this ‪ football team and where have they been all year? ‪#‎nerdnation‬ ‪#‎stanvsucla‬

 

Stanford’s David Shaw was like a different coach today. Almost like he’s auditioning for a hypothetical open local ‪#‎NFL‬ job. ‪#‎stanvsucla‬ ‪#‎fearthetree‬

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Got to wonder, if the elevator “incident” happened after one of his Pro Bowl seasons, would he have been signed by now?

 

#‎JedYork‬ tweeted at the end of the SF-Seattle game “Thank you ‪#‎49ersfaithful‬ for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.” Wonder how the tweet was received by both fans left in the stadium.

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Retailers in Denver had shoppers lining up for “Green Friday” marijuana sales. Of course, wonder how many folks will show for those sales Saturday, or Sunday, or next week….

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Black Friday crowds were apparently thinner than average today.. Which might mean Americans weren’t shopping as seriously as usual. Or might mean more of us were sitting home today, drinking, eating leftovers, watching TV and shopping online.

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So SF Giants fans are all whining about their rough week because Pablo Sandoval left. And SF 49ers fans are just thinking “Oh, STFU.”

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British Airways is going to try to save money by standardizing lavatories in their fleet. Wonder how long it will take U.S. airlines to try to save money by just replacing lavatories with disposable plastic bottles.

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Apparently HealthCare.gov got off to a much better start in the first week of its second year, with 220,000 new signups. Which means the GOP will be in even a bigger rush to repeal Obamacare now that it looks like it’s working.

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Thanksgiving is over for another year. And pretty amazing job in retrospect by the NFL. Three games, three turkeys.

 

Okay, you think you had a tense Thanksgiving with your loved ones. In Pennsylvania a man is recovering in the hospital after his girlfriend woke up from a nap to discover he had started eating dinner without her. So she stabbed him in the chest. (Of course, in Florida or Texas she’d have probably shot him. ‪#‎smallmercies‬)

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If the ‪#‎SEC‬ is that good in football why has the team they added from ‪#‎Big12‬ made it to the championship game 2 years in a row? ‪#‎Mizzou‬

 

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Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

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Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

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Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

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The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

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Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

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A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

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We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

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So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

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The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

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The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

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Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

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Embarrassments?

September 12, 2010

Stanford 35, UCLA 0. This could be the most embarrassing thing to happen in Los Angeles since the Dodgers.

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Good news from Gainesville, the home of the University of Florida, and the “Dove World Outreach Church.”)

On September 11, nothing got burned except USF’s secondary (The Gators won 38-14), and Penn State women’s volleyball 109 consecutive match winning streak. (Stanford beat them in 3 sets.)

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Meanwhile, the Vatican issued a message calling for Catholics worldwide to show love and tolerance. Except pertaining to Ann Arbor, Michigan.

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Congrats to Quarterback Denard Robinson, who broke the school record with 502 total yards today in Michigan’s 28-24 win over Notre Dame. It takes a special talent to overcome the coaching abilities of Rich Rodriguez.

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Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl got fined $1.5 million for making misleading statements to the university amidst an NCAA investigation.

Guess Tennessee can use the money to help pick up the pieces left by football coach Lane Kiffin – who misled the university, and got the team under an NCAA investigation. And got rewarded with a new contract at USC.

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The USA basketball team has quietly made it to the FIBA World Basketball Championships, without much fanfare or high ratings back home in America.

So much for all those who said that Americans didn’t care about the World Cup because it wasn’t our sport. We don’t care about any sport unless it’s the NFL, NBA, or maybe Major League Baseball.

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Pat Riley is complaining already about those who have made personal attacks against players on the Miami Heat. And really, what have any members of the team done to warrant any unwanted special attention this summer?

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Alabama 24, Penn State 3. Joe Paterno is about to discover one of the only good thing about being 84 years old. He may not remember this game in the morning.
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Shocking upset of the day, Virginia Tech lost today to James Madison. The biggest shock to most sports fans, that James Madison HAS a football team.

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Meg Whitman has been running ads saying she’s the only “fiscally responsible” candidate for Governor in California. And she’ll spent as many millions as it takes to get that message out.

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Question of the day. At an event with Glenn Beck in Anchorage, Sarah Palin asked the crowd “What would we do without Fox News?”

Any readers want to answer that question? (Keep it PG-13, please.)

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