Archive for May 2019

Smallest of mercies

May 25, 2019

Well, at least SF Giants held Diamondbacks last night under three touchdowns.

Kevin Durant is upset with the idea that the Warriors might be better without him. Well, it’s not like since his injury they’ve won five straight games or anything.

This year’s College Football Playoff semifinals will be played Sat. Dec 28.
So players on half the teams good enough to make the playoffs will be able to relax on New Year’s Eve and watch the big bowl games New Year’s Day at home?

So with one team whose coach & players openly criticize him, and another likely team from Canada, pretty sure White House  won’t be issuing a White House invitation to NBA champions.

 

The KKK is marching in Dayton, Ohio this Saturday. I missed the Trump tweet taking credit.

Meanwhile this week’s winner in the “You can’t make this sh*t up” department… the owners of a Noah’s Ark attraction are suing their insurance company over almost $1 million in damages caused by… flooding.

Though a close runner up might be this verbatim tweet from Rudy Giuliani  about Nancy Pelosi  –  “ivesssapology for a video which is allegedly is a caricature of an otherwise halting speech pattern, she should first stop, and apologize for, saying the President needs an “intervention.” Are”

Just a hunch that Trump might regret starting a war of words with Nancy Pelosi.

Jon Voight in a video posted last night called Donald Trump the “greatest president since Abraham Lincoln.”
Many people have mixed feelings about Angelina Jolie, but it’s always sad when you know you should have an aging parent committed.

As an American, never thought much of  Theresa May, but thought she seemed like a decent if ineffectual Prime Minister.     But  give her credit, can anyone imagine Trump having the good sense to resign?

Your reminder that as much of a mess as Theresa May has left with Brexit process, it was David Cameron’s stupid idea to hold the referendum in the first place.

 

 

Prince Harry will join the Queen and Trump for lunch during Trump’s visit. Meghan must be thrilled to have the excuse of staying home with a chronological baby.

 

 

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Fake numbers?

May 23, 2019

U.S. News & World Report says University of Oklahoma has been falsely inflating alumni endowment rates for two decades. Seriously? Did the development office hire people who were use to dealing with football player grades?

Of course, based on the latest scandal, looks like Oklahoma could have gotten plenty of pre-alumni donations…. just for admissions.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones doesn’t think NFL should take action against Ezekiel Elliott after he was seen shoving a security guard into a gate.
Elliott’s attorney said security over-reacted when Elliott was seen arguing with his girlfriend.
Over-under on Zeke’s next arrest?

So if we can disqualify a Kentucky Derby winning horse for briefly running out of his lane, how come we can’t disqualify a Stable Genius for having no concept ever of his lane?

Now it’s going to be the “Cheez-It Fiesta Bowl.”
Somehow it won’t have the same ring not to hear “this is for all the Doritos.”

Today is World Turtle Day Think turtles should sue Mitch McConnell for defaming the species.

USDA recalled more than 60,000 pounds of raw beef products from Aurora Packing Company, saying they might be contaminated.
So why isn’t Trump buying all the meat and donating it to his supporters. It’s only science. Eat the recalled beef and own the libs.

Marco Rubio now wants AG Barr to investigate if John Kerry, after he was no longer Secretary of State, violated federal law by meeting with Iranian officials.
Guess it would have been okay if Kerry met with officials from Russia?

Trump is now telling immigrants that they needs to reimburse the government for welfare benefits.
So how much does Melania owe for living in public housing?

Trump this morning tweeted that Rex Tillerson, is “a man who is “dumb as a rock” and totally ill prepared and ill equipped to be Secretary of State.”
So should we fire the man who hired him?

This is where we’re at folks. A video of Nancy Pelosi, who doesn’t drink, is doctored to make it seem like she’s drunk and slurring words, and not only does Donald Trump retweet it, he makes it his PINNED tweet. Another moment he became Presidential?

High time

May 23, 2019

Retired NFL lineman Chris Long, advocating for the NFL allowing marijuana use “it’s far less dangerous than guzzling a fifth of alcohol and going out after a game. Chances are the player won’t even make it to the club to do this sort of thing that we all kind of wag our finger at when we hear about a guy getting in a fight or getting a DUI, you’re never going to read about him sitting on the couch and binge-watching ‘Game of Thrones’ again.”
Long is right.

(And, heck, aren Doritos and Papa John’s NFL sponsor?)

 

NFL now making a big deal of awarding their future drafts. 2021 will be in Cleveland, 2023 in Kansas City.
I’ll take “Made-for-TV events you couldn’t pay me to attend” for $1,000, Alex.

Is it wrong if I don’t care if Natalie Portman and Moby dated?

Adam Schiff “I think Bill Barr has all the duplicity of Rudy Giuliani without all the good looks and general likability of Rudy Giuliani,”
Troll level – Master

Ben Carson now says he mixed up REOs and Oreos because he “was having difficulty hearing” during the committee hearing.
Gosh, well, hearing loss could be a symptom of a serious problem, maybe he should step down as HUD secretary and have that checked?

Trump now claiming since he won’t work with Democrats he can’t do any infrastructure legislation. Gosh, if only he had ever had a chance to have all of Congress controlled by Republicans. Oh, wait. Never mind.

At this point Donald Trump seems so unhinged have to hope he doesn’t pull a Mrs. Danvers in the White House.

Trump – “I don’t do cover-ups.”
Translation, “I hire people to do them for me.”

On the same day Trump says he doesn’t do cover-ups, Fox News headline is about Michael Avenatti defrauding Stormy Daniels of money she received in part from agreeing to cover-up her and Donald’s affair.
#WhyThereIsNoSatire

If Trump as he tweeted doesn’t need banks then there’s no problem with Deutsche Bank and Capital One turning over his records, right?

That moment when you claim it was a spontaneous angry press conference but magically there are pre-printed signs in the Rose Garden.

Time passages

May 22, 2019

I was a mostly an Midwest-East Coast kid growing up.   And hey, not claiming West Coast superiority now. Because, hey, it’s different.

But one thing being on the West Coast does give you –  real time awesome finishes on a week night.

Why baseball is the worst game – for eight innings SF Giants batters looked largely flat against Atlanta Braves.

Why baseball is the best game – with two out in the ninth and a runner on first, SF Giants were down 3-1. And won 4-3.   #NoClock

Well, unless officials somehow rule later that they skated out of their lanes, St. Louis Blues are going to Stanley Cup finals.

Pitcher Shaun Anderson of SF Giants got 2 hits in first two major league ABs, then got a bunt down, then took Braves starter to a 10 pitch AB. So is there some way Giants can use Pablo Sandoval as an “opener” and Anderson as a pinch-hitter?

Joe Biden’s dad moved the family out of Scranton when Joe was 10. Last night at his PA rally. Trump claimed that “Biden deserted you” “Desertion” is an interesting accusation from a man who’s left two mothers of his children.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin, a big Donald Trump supporter, got 52.2% of the vote today. In the GOP primary. So 47.8% of his OWN party wants him out.
Missed the Trump tweet taking credit.

Biden’s dad moved the family out of Scranton when Joe was 10. Last night at his Pennsylvania rally. Trump claimed that “Biden deserted you”
Desertion is an interesting accusation from a man who’s had three wives.

So if any American now gets a subpoena or even a traffic ticket ordering us to appear in court, can we just say no and say we are being Presidential?

Until someone goes to jail for defying a subpoena, Donald Trump will tell his minions that law doesn’t apply to them either.

At this point if Donald Trump walked naked down Pennsylvania Avenue most in the GOP would praise his clothes. Maybe Susan Collins & Mitt Romney might profess being “troubled” by the way the clothes fit.

Swept out.

May 20, 2019

Think it might have helped if someone told Portland Trail Blazers that unlike Stanley Cup Playoffs,  NBA Playoffs have four, not three, periods?

And yeah, Spurs couldn’t have beaten Warriors this year I know that. But have to think they’d have shown up regularly in the 4th quarter.

But seriously, Portland was up 17 points, again, with less than  two minutes minutes left in third quarter.  Trailblazers played Warriors in fourth quarter like other golfers USED to play Tiger Woods on Sunday.

Meanwhile, SF Giants had Game of Thrones night the day after series finale. And looked about as dead as most GOT characters.

On a brighter note, Giants might sell more tickets this weekend as Warriors fans getting their money back from any pre-purchased game 5 or 7 tickets.

 

Ben Roethlisberger said in radio interview he went too far in criticizing then teammate Antonio Brown last year.
Somehow I missed him saying that about the two women he (allegedly) raped.

Retired race-car driver Al Unser Jr. arrested early this am for DWI, after he allegedly was clocked in VW Beetle at 59 mph in a 45 zone. What’s more embarrassing? The DWI, or a former Indy winner driving a Beetle?

 

I miss the days when  Kim Kardashian picking a fight with Jack in the Box would have been crazier than any political tweet, let alone several from POTUS.

$1.00?   Less than the price of a cup of black coffee.   So even Goodwill has standards on donations?  marshalls

 

 

State TV not being obsequious enough? Trump in PA, still upset about Buttigieg town hall: “What’s going on with Fox…what’s going on there? They’re putting more Democrats on than Republicans. It’s something strange is going on at Fox, folks. Something very strange.

Wonder if Trump is just jealous of Pete Buttigieg because as President Pete would have a younger spouse than he does. (And a happier marriage.)

Investigation found Betsy DeVos to be latest Trump administration official to have used her personal email accounts for government business.
To be fair, this is one time when the “too dumb to know better” defense might apply.

Trump indicated last night on Fox News that he might soften his stance on E-Verify. Translation, even more of his hotel and resort workers are undocumented than we thought.

 

Age is a state of mind.

May 19, 2019

ESPN started story about SF Giants game  –  “Pablo Sandoval and Brandon Crawford,  two of San Francisco’s oldest players, did not start Sunday’s game.”

Wait, how did Panda and Crawford get to be “old” players?

Hoping SF Giants didn’t throw out all those Panda hats in their Dugout Store inventory when Sandoval left in 2015. Have a feeling they might become a hot item again.

If Brooks Koepka was going to be mortal for one round CBS Sports and its advertisers probably would have preferred he did it in one of rounds 1-3

 

Sunday night was  both Game of Thrones and American Idol finale, plus Pete Buttigieg on Fox News. Just guessing it might have been a slow night in movie theaters.

 

Sorry Game of Thrones fans. Writers and actors etc already knew the ending tonight. Even with a minute left in 2nd OT, no one knew ending of Raptors Bucks
Sports IS the best reality show.

Must admit, while I’ve never watched Game of Thrones the social media battles over the ending are entertaining.

For some reason Fox News isn’t covering the Trump-Kushner Deutsche Bank money laundering story. They are, however, reporting that Britney Spears is “desperate for an iPhone.”

Have had mixed feelings about Democratic candidates appearing on Fox News. But seeing how much it p*ssed off Trump today, thinking, sure, let’s make it a habit.

Mitt Romney says he was “troubled” by “unfortunate” findings in Mueller report. Good to see someone is carrying on the courageous mantle of Jeff Flake.

Deutsche Bank money-laundering, pardoning Gallagher, a serial killer turned in by his own Seal Team colleagues…. Any of these scandals would have toppled any other Presidency. And today they barely make 24 hour news cycle.

 

Open note to my fellow Democrats. Go down the list of all 20 something Democratic Presidential candidates. You’ll discover, if you haven’t already, that every single one of them has done something that will probably p*ss you off.
Then get over it. We need to win in 2020. Thank you.

Winning state of mind

May 18, 2019

It’s all a state of mind. Maximum Security and Bodexpress both are sure they won their races.

But come on, Bodexpress runs the Preakness, finishes ahead of some horses, and then adds another lap for good measure. Where is the endorsement contract from Waymo?

At this point only way Brooks Koepka won’t win the PGA is if he veers into someone else’s lane.

So how much karma credit do we give that Trump medal for Tiger Woods missing the PGA cut?

In Casablanca, Rick reconnects with Ilsa, and puts at least a rose-colored glow on their past – “We’ll always have Paris.” And in 2019, Pablo Sandoval, prodigal Panda, reconnects and reminds SF Giants fans, “We’ll always have 2014.”

 

So who had Michigan Rep Justin Amash as the first GOP elected official (who isn’t retiring) to say the Emperor has no Clothes?

Uh oh.. Fox News poll..“On the Russia investigation, who do you trust more to tell the truth?”
Between Trump and Mueller, 45% said they trusted the special counsel, 27% said the president
Between Mueller and Barr, 40% said they trusted the special counsel, 22% said the attorney general,
Between congressional Democrats and the Trump administration, 44% said they trusted the Democrats, 33%, said the White House,
So what’s Fox going to do? Fire their pollster?

Why there is no satire. Donald Trump tweets out more “Right to Life” rant tweets Saturday night, at the same time he prepares to pardon war criminals who executed innocent people.

And while many people may be tired of seeing Alec Baldwin play  Donald Trump in SNL, guessing many more people are tired of seeing Donald Trump play a President in the White House.