Archive for March 2010

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New York, New York…

March 11, 2010

More and more staffers keep coming forward regarding alleged groping and harrassment in New York Congressman Rick Massa’s office. If this keeps up future similar incidents may be known as “Massa-bation.”

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At first the allegations against Massa came from only one male staffer. But the additional complaints change things – it is no longer just a “he said he said” situation.

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And okay, how many predicted this? All these sex scandals in New York politics. And Senator Clinton’s husband isn’t a part of any of them.

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Nomar Garciaparra, one of the most beloved players ever at Fenway, signed a one day contract with Boston, so he could retire as a member of the Red Sox. And over in Green Bay, fans are telling Brett Favre, “Don’t even THINK about it.”

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Rush Limbaugh has said he will leave the U.S. for Costa Rica if a health care reform bill passes. In related news, the government of Costa Rica has just made a $1,000,000 donation to the Tea Party movement.

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University of Oregon star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli had a short stint in juvenile hall for his role in a series of robberies in high school when he was 17. Now he has been charged with burglary in Eugene. No wonder the guy has such a good 40 yard dash time – he’s needed it to avoid the cops.

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The charges against Masoli bring the total of arrests and charges against Oregon football players to five since the Rose Bowl, with several other players accused in lesser incidents. If this keeps up, Chip Kelly’s next addition to the team playbook could be memorizing responses to “You have the right to remain silent.”

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The Cincinnati Bengals have signed free agent wide receiver Antonio Bryant, which means they will probably NOT offer a contract to Terrell Owens. Which does answer one question. Yes, there are actually players who are considered too much trouble even for the Bengals.

My friend Alex Kaseberg has a good post today on his blog (www.thordoggie.blogspot.com) about Howard’s Stern’s comments about Gabourie Sidibe’s weight. Fortunately for Gabourie, she has the option of doing something about her weight as she gets older. Whereas Howard Stern is congenitally an a**hole.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom who will be term-limited out in 2011, says he hasn’t decided about running for Lieutenant Governor, because if elected he doesn’t want to leave the city in the hands of an interim mayor for the remainder of his term. I guess he figures he did that enough while he was running for Governor.

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Special delivery?

March 10, 2010

A 32 year old Kentucky woman , who says she didn’t know she was pregnant, successfully delivered her own baby in her laundry room today. Then the new mom even picked her other son up from school before she went with the baby to the hospital.

No, we don’t need sex education in school. Why?

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With “the Hurt Locker,” Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman director to win an Academy Award. This might also be the first time, in speaking of the Iraq War, that we can really talk about a mission accomplished.

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The Los Angeles Lakers beat the Toronto Raptors 109-107 to end a week that featured a three game losing streak. Thereby relieving all their fans who forgot that for the Lakers, the regular season is the equivalent of spring training.

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But how spoiled are Laker fans? Had the losing streak continued a few more games, Kobe Bryant was thinking he would have to buy them all jewelry.

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A Canadian reporter decided to follow up on the thrilling gold medal hockey game by calling random Americans and asking if they were now watching more NHL games. About 10 percent said “yes”, 10 percent said “no,” and 80 percent said “What’s the NHL?”

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The Washington Wizards, 21-38, are having such a hard time attracting fans that they have joined with Dunkin Donuts shops in the DC area for an amazing new promotion: Buy five cups of coffee and you get two free Wizards tickets. Even better, when you buy that much coffee, you’ll be peeing enough that you won’t have to see most of the game.
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Starbucks has decided not to get involved in the “Open Carry” debate, and thus will not ban customers lawfully bringing guns into their stores. In the meantime, the chain has introducted a new larger sized 31 ounce coffee called the “Trenta. Weapons and triple expressos? What could possibly go wrong?

Many Californians still find it unbelievable that Ray Ashburn not only voted against gay rights but is still defending those votes, even after admitting he is a gay man. But on the other hand, I believe Phyllis Schlafly has admitted she is a woman.

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Another thought on Ray Ashburn being a gay man and voting against gay rights? Maybe he was following the lead of Robert Ensign and Mark Sanford who both supported DOMA? (Defense of Marriage Act)
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Recent polls show a surprising number of New Yorkers want embattled governor David Paterson not to resign but to finish his term. Of course, most of those supporters are aspiring comedy writers.

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Vladimir Guerrero, playing now for the Texas Rangers when the Angels declined to re-sign him, says he feels he is still a productive player. And I believe him. Because if Vlad was on an unstoppable downhill slide he would have finally been signed by the SF Giants.

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Great Benjamin Franklin quote found by my friend Ray Di Fazio. “We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” Which means that the hardest working woman in America is probably Sarah Palin.”

Elinor Burker, who interrupted her fellow director’s Oscar acceptance speech Sunday night now, says SHE was the one who was wronged because he should have let her do all the talking.

Even Kanye West says she is over the top.

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The Hurt Locker and beyond….

March 9, 2010

This year’s best picture winner, “The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which I think might be less than taking your family to a game in seats behind home plate at Yankee Stadium.

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“The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which could mean that more people voted for the movie than actually saw it.

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In an effort to increase box-office receipts, there’s a rumor a sequel to the movie may feature some of the original cast along with Barbra Streisand and Robert De Niro – working title “The Hurt Fockers.”
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While giving a speech in Calgary, Sarah Palin said that when she was growing up – “We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn’t that ironic?” “Ironic?” Not so much. “Hypocritical as hell?” Yes.

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ABC and Cablevision settled their disagreement 13 minutes into the Oscars, meaning that Cablevision users got to see almost all the awards show, except for the opening song and dance number, and Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin’s monologue.

But after some discussion, Cablevision decided not to charge customers extra for the omission.

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In related news, fans in the greater New York area have asked that any future disputes Cablevision has end up being resolved in a way that blacks out the Knicks.

The Hurt Locker” may have won best picture. In Chicago, however, most people still probably think the title refers to the clubhouse space that gets punched by Ozzie Guillen during his regular tantrums.

Not to be confused with the space that used to belong to Frank Thomas – “The Big Hurt Locker.”

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Republican California State Senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for a DUI Saturday after leaving a Sacramento gay bar with a male companion. Ashburn then actually came out Monday and admitted he was gay.

The senator did say, however, that he felt his anti-gay votes had been appropriate, because they simply “reflected his constituents’ wishes.” Yo Roy, your constituents also have wished for increased state services that they didn’t have to pay for with state taxes… Hmm, maybe I’m seeing how California got in this budget mess.

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After his admission, Ashburn declined to discuss details of his personal life or his previous votes. You almost expected to hear him say “Well, that was in the past.”

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As much as I would like to on this subject I will refrain from making a joke with the punchline… “But he claims he didn’t inhale.”

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United Airlines says last month’s winter storms along the East Coast cost it $40 million in revenue. You know what that means – coming soon to your next airline ticket purchase – a “snow surcharge.”

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Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner seem to be stopping at nothing in their quest to re-invent themselves as born-again Conservatives to appeal as much as possible to Republican primary voters. Well, at least Californians know that neither of them will attempt to court conservatives by driving on a Nascar track. At this point, both of them seem categorically unable even to hint at turning to the left.

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And the award goes to…

March 8, 2010

On Oscar night Americans always learn two things- First, the names of the winners of a number of awards. Second, with most most of the attendees wearing outfits that cost at least five figures (before jewelry), that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

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So congrats to Kathryn Bigelow, who won both best director and best picture for “The Hurt Locker.” But really, wonder how many of those votes were for having the good sense to divorce James Cameron?

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(Btw, Oscar commentators this year like to talk about how great it is that “older women” won and how young they look. (Best Director Kathryn Bigelow is 58, Best Actress Sandra Bullock is 45.) So what about older men..?.(Best Actor Jeff Bridges is 61.)

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My very funny and otherwise intelligent friend Rich Lieberman refers to George Clooney as a “giant hemorrhoid.” With all due respect Rich, if Cooney were a hemorrhoid, lack of sales from women would put Preparation H out of business.,

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It’s that time of year again – March Madness. And there’s also the NCAA basketball tournament starting soon, in addition to the usual spring training delusions of Cubs fans about a World Series championship,

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US Airways pilot, Charles “Sully” Sullenberger, 59, has retired from US Airways. Apparently he wanted to spend more time with his grandchildren, instead of being directed by them from the control tower.

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Both GM and Ford have announced recent sales increases. I believe the unofficial title of these successful campaigns is “I love what you do for me, Toyota.”

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Pre Oscar thoughts….

March 7, 2010

As with every year, while there were some excellent movies and performances nominated, there have also been significant omissions.

For example, in the acting category…why no nominations for…

Mark McGwire – for “I didn’t take steroids to help me hit homeruns.”

Bud Selig, for saying the era of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball is over. (And for taking credit for cleaning it up.)

and a belated award to John Edwards – for renewing his marriage vows on his 30th wedding anniversary, right about the same time he conceived his child with Rielle Hunter.

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Or how about Roy Ashburn, California State Senator from Bakersfield, for his performance as a conservative anti-homosexual Christian. (Senator Ashburn is currently on “personal leave” after being arrested for DUI in Sacramento after leaving a gay club with a male companion.)

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Americans profess to be getting tired of the Tiger Woods story and many are saying they wish he would just go away. Meanwhile, did you hear who was leading this week’s Honda Classic? Yeah, me neither.

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The North Carolina Tarheels capped off their worst regular season in recent memory, losing to Duke 82-50 and finishing 5-11 in the ACC. It’s the most embarrassing story in the state. At least until the next John Edwards sex tape surfaces.

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The head of Tennessee’s hospitality association sent an email to a group of public figures comparing Michelle Obama to Tarzan’s chimpanzee friend “Cheeta.” He said it was a joke. But there were better and smarter targets for the “Cheeta” label. Like Mark Sanford and John Edwards.

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The Razzie for worst picture of the year went to “Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen.” Sounds like a documentary about all the Republicans who used to love big spending and federal subsidies, but transformed into filibustering deficit hawks when a Democrat took back the White House.

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World records beyond the Olympics…

March 6, 2010

Snuggies were placed on every seat in Cleveland’s arena before the Pistons-Cavaliers game, and fans were asked to put them on. Guinness World Records then certified it as the largest number of people wearing fleece blankets at once. The true uncertified record, however, probably still stands – any Giants-Dodgers night game at Candlestick Park.

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On the other hand:

March marks the beginning of spring break season for many college students, Which basically means going to drink for a week someplace with warm winter weather. Like Vancouver.

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Apparently more than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great have been discovered. The coins were found in the pockets of several pairs of jeans donated to Goodwill by Brett Favre.

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So what’s a lower number today? The number of Americans who still care about the team’s gold medal hockey loss. Or the number of Canadians who still miss the Expos during spring training.

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Sarah Palin has complained about Levi Johnson’s “quest for attention, fame and fortune'” and says that the media is exploiting her children. This while she is travelling the U.S, appearing regularly on television, and pitching her own reality show. Palin may be able to see Russia from her house but she sure can’t see herself in the mirror.

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Karl Rove says in a new book that Dick Cheney was at first uncomfortable with the idea of being George W. Bush’s running mate. But then Cheney realized, he’d always wanted to be president.

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Rove also denied in his book that Bush “lied us into war?” That, Karl said, was MY idea.
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From Bill Littlejohn:

Senator Jim Bunning, a baseball Hall of Famer, gave a reporter the middle finger this week: “No, it wasn’t being asked again about his decision to block a bill that would extend unemployment benefits. It was being asked again about the 1964 Phillies collapse.’’ .

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Thousands of California students protested cuts in the public university system Thursday in a “Day of Action.” Not to be confused with business as usual in Sacramento, which was a “Day of Inaction.”

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Sarah, we hardly knew ye…. Those were the good old days.

March 5, 2010

Sarah Palin is apparently shopping a proposal around for her own reality television show. This might mark the first time that “Sarah Palin” and “reality” have ever been used in the same sentence.

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The reality show is being pitched as a series of one hour episodes. Which will all abruptly end after 38 minutes.

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Barry Zito hit Prince Fielder today to retaliate for last season’s theatrical home run celebration. The Brewers’ first baseman, however, didn’t charge the mound. Probably because it was Zito’s fastball, and until the umpire told him to take a base, Fielder hadn’t even noticed he’d been hit.

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Brett Favre appeared on the Tonight Show and told Leno he was noncommtal about next year. Funny, that was NBC’s exact stance in long-term negotiations with Jay.

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So Brett Favre told Jay he was undecided about returning next season. Stay tuned tomorrow when the Tonight Show features Adam Lambert telling Leno he is still gay.

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Baylor’s Brittney Griner, who is 6’7″ and can dunk, was ejected from a game and suspended for angrily punching an opponent in the nose. She’s been projected as both an WNBA superstar and a model. Well, I don’t know if she’ll be another Candace Parker, but unfortunately she’s looking like another Naomi Campbell.

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The latest ethics violation charged to embattled New York Governor is that he illegally accepted free tickets to the first game of last year’s World Series. Well, at least that’s one thing that isn’t likely to happen anytime soon to a Governor of Illinois.

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So Democratic New York Governor David Paterson is embroiled in several scandals and Congressman Charles Rangel is facing ethics investigations. Meanwhile, out in California, one of the state’s most anti-gay rights conservative senators – Republican Roy Ashburn of Bakersfield, was picked up for a DUI in Sacramento. With a male companion after leaving a gay nightclub.

It’s a shame that the one true nonpartisan part of U.S. politics seems to be stupidity.

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Reality shows and unreal news…

March 4, 2010

Peyton Manning reportedly had surgery to repair a pinched nerve. Actually, many people consider any kind of nerve surgery “karmic,” as for years the quarterback’s commercials have been getting on their last one.

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Charles Rangel, David Paterson, Eliot Spitzer. Just who do they think they are in New York. Chicagoans?

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Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco has signed up to be a contestant on the upcoming season of “Dancing With the Stars.” And “No Fun League” commissioner Roger Goddell is no doubt trying to figure out how much the fine is for that.

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So what’s a lower number. The Americans who still care about their gold medal hockey loss? Or the Canadians who still miss the Expos during spring training?

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Some people think that the FAA over-reacted by suspending an air traffic controller at JFK who brought his son to work, and let the child give a few “routine” instructions to pilots. Sorry, I think “Air traffic control,” and “no harm, no foul” are two phrases that should NEVER be used in the same sentence.

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US Air hero Charles “Sully” Sullenberg has retired at the age of 59. He said you know it’s time when you feel like you are working with children. Of course, the last time he flew out of JFK, he probably was.

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Indeed, bringing your son into the office, while seemingly harmless, can have unfortunate long-term consequences, as it can give the child dangerous ideas. No doubt George H.W. Bush had no malice aforethought when he first had W. visit him at the White House.

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Jake Pavelka, aka “the Bachelor,” is now also going to be a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this guy is supposed to be a commercial pilot with American Airlines. Seems like he spends less time actually flying the planes than any pilot not with Northwest.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry won his Republican primary, after campaigning heavily on the fact that he is now turning down federal subsidies for the state. This from a man who campaigned for and took billions of such subsidies until 2008. So if his conversion is that sincere, i have a suggestion – give the earlier money back

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Perry has also talked about, without dismissing, the possibility of Texas someday seceding from the United States. Wonder how long it would then take them to apply for foreign aid.

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From medals to bubbles….

March 3, 2010

How fickle are sports fans? In America the only numbers that matter have gone from US medal count of 37 to figuring out 64-65 teams in brackets.

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Canada is still celebrating their gold medal in hockey. American sorrow and depression over the loss can be summed up in one word – “whatever.”
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The San Jose Sharks were back in action today, with eight of their players who had played on various Olympic teams. They lost 4-3 at to the New Jersey Devils. Looks like the team’s already in post-season form.
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There is some talk of the NCAA expanding the men’s basketball tournament to 96 teams. As if American worker productivity in March wasn’t bad enough already.

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Mark McGwire’s brother Jay, says that writing his tell-all book was “cathartic.’ The same word that has been used by Agassi and others. Just a thought, if it’s the act of confessing onto paper that’s so important, haven’t any of these people considered a private diary?

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Alex Kaseberg asks…” does anybody in the entire beautiful country actually know all the words to “Oh, Canada.? I would venture to add, a higher percentage than that of Americans who can actually hit all the notes in “The Star Spangled Banner.”

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Senator Jim Bunning, who is retiring after this term, has been holding up unemployment benefits until Congress decides how to pay for them. I hope someday he applies the same standard to his own Senate pension.

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And we wonder how Americans get the reputation for being both insensitive and clueless. Yesterday in our travel office, someone called up, no joke, and wanted to know if Hawaii would be offering discounts because of the tsunami.

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Sarah Palin appeared on Tuesday night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Actually Palin and Leno have something in common. Both left their main jobs last year. But in Leno’s case there were actually people who wanted him back.

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Palin actually did a short stand-up comedy routine. But none of the jokes in the routine were as funny as the one she told about Fox News being impartial.

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And then there was Sarah’s comment about getting back to the 5 “W’s. Who’s saying we should pay taxes, what is the purpose of taxes, when can we cut taxes, where does the government get off charging us taxes, and why can’t we just abolish the whole idea of taxes.

(one anonymous person on sfgate.com commented on Palin’s attempts at stand-up comedy “Keep your day job. Oops, wait, you already quit that.”)

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The U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday refused to block the District of Columbia’s gay marriage law. Proving, if nothing else, that even the conservative members of the court care about the service they get in the capital’s restaurants

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Back to reality…

March 2, 2010

As many Americans on the west coast in particularly made it into work Monday after their regularly schedule time, and told their bosses… “I’m not late, I’m just tape delayed.”

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The gold medal hockey game between the U.S. and Canada was the most watched television event in Canada ever. In the U.S. it was the most watched television event, of the week, until the final episode tonight of this season’s “The Bachelor.”

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Monday night, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show at 1135p. Of course, most west coast viewers thought it was just the 10pm Jay Leno show being tape delayed.

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Apparently Simon Cowell of American Idol is in love and getting married. Really? I wonder what state has passed a law allowing a man to marry himself?

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A significant percentage of Americans now get their news from Facebook. Which might explain why a lot of them think that Obama has a farm with several lost lambs at the White House and that Dick Cheney is a master at Mafia Wars.

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The Vancouver Health Department says they gave out over 100,000 condoms during the games. Which is a good thing from a health standpoint. On another level, weren’t these athletes exactly the sort of people the world WANTS to meet and reproduce?

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Former President Bill Clinton apparently called Tiger Woods recently to pledge his support. Including an offer, if Woods was feeling tempted, to be the caretaker of his rolodex.

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A recent physicial showed that Barack Obama is in excellent shape, except for slightly high cholesterol, and his inability to completely give up cigarettes. On the other hand, countless Americans are relieved at the concept of a President who is doing nothing more with tobacco products except smoking them.

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Darwin award nominee of the Month – (yes, this is tacky.)

Authorities believe a Washington man was killed, after he escaped injury in a single-car accident, by urinating on power lines the accident had downed. Talk about dying to take a leak.

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Closing ceremonies…..and of course, the gold medal game..

March 1, 2010

But Olympic junkies on the west coast are in luck, NBC’s taped delayed coverage should go on until at least Tuesday.

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It actually kind of feels right that the gold medal goes to a country where the average man or woman on the street can actually name at least one hockey player.

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Americans watching the gold medal hockey game were both confused and disappointed by the overtime period. Where was the coin toss? And where was the little guy who comes in to win the game by kicking the puck into the net?
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So the US came close. But did anyone, especially in San Jose, really expect any team coached by Ron Wilson to win it all?

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Tickets for the USA-Canada hockey game were going for $4000.00 a ticket and up with scalpers. Wonder how many were being bought by new fans from the US who wondered when they will ever get another chance to see a game between two teams with so much top professional talent in North America.

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Ron Turner, who was just hired this month as an assistant coach by Jim Harbaugh, resigned today to take a similar position with the Indianapolis Colts. Who does Turner think he is – Lane Kiffin?
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Manny Ramirez actually told a reporter at Dodgers’ spring training – “”I’m an employee here, I just do what they want me to.” I think I like his story about the fertility drug better.

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Regarding those new “Cant Trust Steve” ads that Meg Whitman is running against her opponent Steve Poizner: Anyone else think they would be appropriate to get her elected as senior class president?

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And in closing.

For all those Winter Olympics fans who will be glad to see the last of Vancouver and go back to having the games in an actual COLD city – I give you today’s weather in Sochi, Russia. High 56, Low 47.

(Sochi is a resort town on the Black Sea. According to the Los Angeles Times. “The average February temperature is 43 degrees. Winter temperatures rarely fall below freezing. It has a moderate tropic climate and rarely sees snow.)

Maybe they should put these games somewhere that actually gets cold. Like San Francisco in July.

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