Archive for October 2009

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Errors and omissions.

October 11, 2009

John McCain said not sending enough troops to Afghanistan would be “an error of historic proportions.”. And if anyone knows about historic errors, it’s the man who chose Sarah Palin for his running mate.

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A study says that people who experience traumatic events as children could see their life expectancy drop by as much as twenty years. This could mean an NC17 rating for Wrigley Field.

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The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Colorado Rockies in sub-freezing weather at Coors Field Sunday night. Apparently it was the coldest game anyone can remember in major league baseball since the Giants left Candlestick.

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The Phillies’ winning rally included a hit that should have been ruled a foul ball. Yet another blown call by the umps this postseason. Talk about game-change performances that SHOULD be sponsored by Pontiac.

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The Olympics have decided to add rugby and golf as sports in 2016. Well, it’s probably about time Tiger Woods got some international exposure.

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How bad are things for the Redskins? Folks in D.C. are starting to think about season tickets next year for the Nationals.

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For the 2-3 Redskins, all their losses have been their opponent’s first wins of the season. President Obama is considering asking the team to speak out against health care reform.

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Next up for the Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, 0-5 after going 0-4 in the preseason. If the Chiefs also beat the ‘Skins, on November 1, put your money on a first ever win “bye week.”

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The Cleveland Browns beat the Buffalo Bills 6-3. 6-3? Apparently it was so cold a hockey game broke out.

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White House Communication director Anita Dunn called Fox News, “a vehicle for Republican Party propaganda.” The station angrily denied the accusation – they prefer to think of the Republican Party as a vehicle for Fox News propaganda.

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A few Saturday thoughts…

October 10, 2009

Memphis is appealing the NCAA’s decision to strip all the university’s basketball wins in 2007-08 because their star player faked an SAT test. Yes, heaven forbid the one academic year that Derrick Rose spent at Memphis before he left for the NBA be tainted.

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NASA says its moon bombing was a success. Said Dick Cheney – “An unprovoked, successful missile strike – where do I sign up?”

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Unfortunately for Colorado fans, the Phillies-Rockies game was postponed by snow. Unfortunately for St Louis fans, the Dodgers-Cardinal game wasn’t.
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President Obama just took home the Nobel Peace Prize. Considering the ratings jump David Letterman is getting from all his mea culpas about sleeping with staffers, can we say he is taking home the “Piece Prize?”

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The moon and other flights..

October 9, 2009

The Swiss denied bail for Roman Polanski, saying that they believe he is a flight risk. Wow, what was their first clue?
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NASA has sent a rocket basically to bomb the moon. They say it’s to detect the presence of ice. But the real reason? Once we bomb the moon, NASA hopes the government will be willing to spend billions of dollars there.

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On her Facebook page, Sarah Palin told President Obama that now is not the time for “second thoughts” about Afghanistan. And if anyone’s an expert on “second thoughts,” it’s the woman who served over half of her term as Governor.

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Oops. Five Somali pirates were captured by the French navy, after they attempted to storm the French navy’s 18,000 ton flagship in the Indian Ocean. (They had apparently mistaken it for a private cargo vessel.) This is the worst Pirates performance since Pittsburgh wrapped up their 2009 MLB season.

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Some conservatives are criticizing Mary Cheney for having a second child with her partner of almost 20 years. They claim, (for two printable examples) that the lesbian partnership is unnatural or that the child should have a father around. Anyone want to lay odds on this new baby growing up more or less well-adjusted, than say, the child of an unwed teenager mother whose teenage father is posing nude in Playgirl?

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Despite reports in Forbes magazine, Tiger Woods said he is not a billionaire. Guess he had a 401k too.

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Apparently the “pecking order” for scheduling major league baseball games is now something like this. If the Yankees are in the playoffs, their game will always be played in prime time. If the Yankees are out or have an off-day, the prime slots go to the Red Sox, then the Cubs (well, not this year), and then probably the Los Angeles Dodgers.

So kids who want to see a World Series played during the day sometime, keep rooting for something like Twins-Rockies.

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If the SF Giants had somehow managed to make the playoffs, local fans could probably count on the games at 11a.

From the very funny Alex Kaseberg: After Rio de Janeiro has been selected for the 2016 Olympic Games, residents swigged rum, tore off their clothes and danced in the street all night. When asked why they were so excited about the Olympics, the most common response; “What Olympics?”

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An upfront kind of guy…?

October 8, 2009

I have been advised by friends that visual thinkers should skip the first jokes.

To help his career and improve his image, apparently Levi Johnston has decided to pose nude for Playgirl. Thank goodness David Letterman has chosen a different “bare-all’ strategy.

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Apparently in Dallas, police are looking for a pudgy 6 foot tall man who covers his face, sneaks into backyards, dances around naked, and then runs away.

A spokeperson said police want to catch him “before it escalates into something worse.”

A large pudgy man dancing around in your backyard naked? Can most people imagine it getting worse?

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Or, in Dallas, police are looking for a pudge 6 foot tall man who dances around naked in strangers’ backyards with his face covered. Guess Tom Delay misses “Dancing with the Stars” more than we thought.

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Napa police are still trying to decide whether or not to charge Raiders coach Tom Cable with felony assault after he allegedly broke assistant coach Randy Hanson’s jaw in an altercation during a meeting this summer.
Maybe they can’t believe that anyone with the Raiders could actually deliver that big a hit.

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Although seriously, if a boss in any other industry broke an employee’s jaw at work, do you think there would be any question about charges? (Well, unless maybe it was Dick Cheney while he was cleaning his pellet gun.)

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After a questionable excessive-celebration penalty contributed to Georgia’s loss last weekend against LSU, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive said there was no reason to have a “public hanging” when officials make bad calls. Unless, of course, it’s during a BCS bowl game.

(In which case the most appropriate place for the scaffold might be the 50 yard line)

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A Cardinals error with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th led to a Dodgers victory. In college football, Nebraska scored four unanswered touchdowns in the 4th quarter for a come-from-behind 27-12 win over Mizzou. Guess tonight with Sportscenter, Missouri is the “Please Don’t Show-Me State.”

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It’s not over….

October 6, 2009

How long did the Twins-Tigers tie-breaker game go on? Since it started, Brett Favre retired and un-retired three more times.

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Some FSU boosters want Bobby Bowden, 79 to resign. But the school’s athletic director said the coach will not “step down.” At this point, the fall could kill him.

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Joe Paterno, 82 when asked if he thought Bowden should stay on, reportedly replied, “Why not, he’ll only get better with experience.

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Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee. Yeah, but when you’re in a hurry it will still take the person in front of you ten minutes to decide which flavor to buy.

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A Canadian man shot his handgun into a television, and was sentenced to counseling. He was also ordered as a term of his probation to never, EVER, watch a Maple Leafs game.

(for any Canadian readers, feel free to substitute Argonauts. Although as Canadian readers may also know, the answer to the question of “What’s the difference between the Argonauts and the Leafs is currently – the Argos have actually won three games.)
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Now that Rio has been awarded the 2012 Olympics, some IOC members are worried about the large number of prostitutes in the city. But unlike the IOC, the prostitutes are upfront about their price and do generally offer value for money.
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Rush Limbaugh may purchase the St. Louis Rams. There could, however, be a hitch. Someone has to convince Rush you can’t play football without a left tackle.

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One problem with Major League Baseball playoffs, most kids, especially on the east coast, can’t stay up late on weeknights for the usually ridiculously late games. Now, this years’ division series’ will have only two of the four matchups scheduled on Saturday – the Los Angeles Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals (at 607p eastern,) and the Philadelphia Phillies at the Colorado Rockies. And for all those junior Phillies fans…the start time – 937p eastern. I can hear it now “Mommy, can I stay up and watch the national anthem?”

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Tom Delay had to quit “Dancing with the Stars” due to stress fractures in both feet. Guess the steps were more than his body could handle, for the first time ever the former House Republican Whip sometimes had to force himself to move to the left.

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Packers “Malled at America” field…

October 6, 2009

A British girl tried to sell her grandmother on Ebay. Unbelievable. Who would think a kid would try to sell grandma? One of their parents, maybe.

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For years the Packers’ line has done a great job of giving Brett Favre time to throw the football. Unfortunately for Green Bay, they did the same thing tonight.

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When asked about the game, Favre said he wanted to give all the credit to his offensive line. Then he said, no, I want to give credit to my receivers and great running backs. Then he said, he felt the win belonged to the coaching staff. Then, that the credit really should go to the fans….

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Actually both Favre and Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers had good nights, although Rodgers was sacked eight times. Hard not to believe, if the Vikings had drafted Rodgers, and Favre had stayed with the Packers, that Minnesota wouldn’t have still won.

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Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre is doing so well at the age of nearly 40. He played 16 years at Lambeau Field. Ice always has been a great preservative for fossils.

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Or, tackier version. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre, who turns 40 on Saturday, is in such great shape. He played 16 years on the “frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.” Maybe there is something to this cyrogenics stuff.

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James Carville said Glenn Beck was “out-and-out-nuts” and a “blatant hypocrite” for claiming to be pro-American but still celebrating Obama’s “failure” to bring the Olympics to the U.S.

Carville added “Beck wouldn’t know the difference between a football, a bat and a hockey court.”

To which Glenn Beck alllegedly responded. “Right, like Carville’s ever sat through all nine innings of a hockey game in his life.
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This last from the very funny Jerry Perisho, on the news that Yankee Stadium is set to host a college football bowl game – “Extra points kicked to the east should clear the parking lot.”

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About that Louvre Pyramid…

October 4, 2009

McDonald’s is opening a branch at the Louvre. Yes, in Paris.

Guess that pyramid out front is not a food pyramid

Rumor has it that many of the French are fried.

Will McDonald’s Louvre slogan be “McNifique?”

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Some criticize Obama for flying to Copenhagen to lobby for the Olympics, but hey, it’s not like a few hours last week would have changed anything on healthcare. Now, trying to have a relationship discussion with a sports fan partner tonight in Minnesota or Wisconson…THAT would be stupid

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Alex Rodriguez drove in seven runs in the Yankees regular season finale. Putting him on pace for an October total of eight.
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Todd Palin has resigned his job. Most Americans are shocked. They didn’t realize he had one.

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Great news in Cincinnati. The 3-1 Bengals have more wins than arrests.

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Terrell Owens says he is in a “no-win” situation in Buffalo. Wonder how long it is until T.O. realizes he IS a no-win situation.

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The Washington Redskins’ first three opponents in October. The Buccaneers, the Panthers and the Chiefs, currently with ZERO wins between them. A schedule like that might not even get you BCS consideration.

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Even Boise State is saying “Way to schedule those creampuffs.”

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Headline? “New Orleans Saints turn high-flying Jets into Jets Blue.”

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Was trying to come up with a punchline on this one, think my buddy Jim Barach has the “topper.”

A book says that Ted Williams’ frozen head was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. Apparently the technicians went so far as to put a frozen Yankees hat on it.

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Slouching towards the bowl season…

October 4, 2009

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After a 42-3 loss to Oregon last Saturday, Cal just got booed off the field at halftime en route to a 30-3 loss against USC. In Berkeley. This is shaping up to be the worst week for weenies since the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into that house.

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When asked if his team was too one-dimensional, Cal Coach Jeff Tedford said:

“We were zero dimensional. We couldn’t run the ball and we couldn’t throw it.”

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Meanwhile, in South Bend, the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30 overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from within the 2 yard line, and couldn’t score a touchdown. Which means they had the worst performance close to a goal, since, well, the last session of Congress.

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This is the very tacky version of the above joke: the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30 overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from within the 2 yard line, and couldn’t score a touchdown.

Or as Monica Lewinsky said about her next boyfriend after Bill Clinton. “Close, but no cigar.”

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A fossilized T-Rex failed to sell at auction in Las Vegas today when bidders failed to meet the $6 million minimum price. So the highest price paid for a dinosaur remains the $25 million the Vikings gave Brett Favre.

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While I have some sympathy for teams like Boise State trying to get into the BCS championship game with a perfect record from a lower-level conference, well, suffice to say I do lose a little sympathy when they schedule opponents like UC Davis. What, was Slippery Rock not available?

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The San Diego Padres fired GM Kevin Towers, who says new CEO Jeff Moorad “never really told me exactly the reason why.” Well, let’s see, an overall postseason record of 12–22; iincluding 10 of 11 since they won the pennant in 1998. And two really lousy seasons in a row…

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Amateur hour

October 2, 2009

Should we be surprised Chicago lost the Olympics? The city has a long and rich tradition of scandal, corruption and bribery. Put it down to the IOC’s professional jealousy ·

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I’ll refrain from making Cubs jokes about Chicago not getting the Olympics, because it’s too easy to say that the Cubbies already fulfill the city’s desire for top notch amateur athletics. And besides, the White Sox count too.

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When the extortion story broke, some comedy writers say they were disappointed in David Letterman. Most, however, were just relieved to hear some comedian other than Lisa Lampanelli has been having sex.

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So far, while he is the brunt of jokes, David Letterman seems to be weathering the sex scandal, in fact, his ratings have even gone up. In related news, the Late Show just received a guest host application from Bill Clinton.

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Apparently attendance for Major League Baseball has been down about seven percent in 2009.

“The way the economy’s going, a family of four comes to the ballpark and how much is a hot dog, a Coke, a drink for the parents?” Giants pitcher Brad Penny said. “That adds up.”

Interesting words from a guy who would like to return to San Francisco, if they can meet his $20 million or so price tag, Hey, a guy’s got to feed HIS family.

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San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Barry Zito had ten, count ’em, ten, outings this year when the offense didn’t score when he was on the mound. With that little scoring he’s become the poster pitcher for Trekkies.

Many Americans just don’t get the little nuances of hockey: It was announced Rob Blake will wear the ‘C’ as captain of the Sharks. Many San Jose fans thought the ‘C’ stood for their grade in the playoffs.’’

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Little rant of the night. Propel vitamin water now comes in a nice six-pack of 16.9 ounce bottles. The package proudly proclaims – “Only 10 calories per serving.” What’s a serving? Half a bottle.

(Okay, I understand when a half cup of ice cream has 300 calories, that you might want to pretend nobody ever eats the whole pint. But fudging when it’s the difference between 10 and 20 calories? Really??)

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Finally, a bad pun alert, from R.J. Currie:

After the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Delonte West this week suggested his recent arrest on gun charges is not a big deal: “Really? He was found carrying a 9mm handgun, a .357 Magnum, and an 870 shotgun. If convicted, where will Cleveland find another player of his caliber.’’

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Football and other follies

October 1, 2009

Who’d a thunk it, College Football Division. At 1230p on Saturday in Palo Alto, Stanford and UCLA meet for the Pac 10 lead. Meanwhile, at 5pm, Cal and USC play in the “Over-Rated Bowl.”

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One of the reasons BCS officials give against having a college football playoff system, is that the extra one or two games would be rough on the schedules of student-athletes. Meanwhile, in ESPN’s nationally televised Wednesday night college game, Louisiana Tech beat Hawaii 27-6, and in the Thursday night game, West Virginia knocked off Colorado 35-24.

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A fossil hominid (pre-human) skeleton found in Africa is apparently over 4 million years old and pre-dates Lucy. No confirmation on the rumor it was found wearing a Brett Favre jersey.

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Okay, this is tacky. But I have to ask. Amongst his staff – does Letterman have a Top Ten list?

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So Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, has pulled the plug for now on filming his children for the reality TV series. He couldn’t have thought of this sooner, like in 2007 before the show started?

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You cannot make this stuff up department:

Last year, Binghamton University earned a trip to March Madness. This year, before the season even has started, within a 48 hour period, six players were suspended from the team. And the school’s athletic director rhetorically asked “who’s running the zoo?”

The response, in a letter to the editor from Amanda J. Padwa, the Binghamton Zoo’s business manager.

“Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms. Our bear doesn’t have temper tantrums and storm off his exhibit. You won’t find any of our lemurs busted for smoking pot. So, please, stop insulting zoos by comparing those criminals to us.”

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And in case anyone thinks that modern day sports is getting too overblown and out-of-hand, consider this quote from Bobby Dodd, one of college football’s most successful coaches at Georgia Tech during the 1950’s and early 1960s.

‘Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.’

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