Posted tagged ‘Tom Cruise jokes’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page

Bear arms,… arm bears….. It’s so confusing.

April 10, 2013

A circus elephant escaped serious injury when she was hit by a bullet in a drive-by shooting in Tupelo, Miss. Waiting for the NRA to issue a statement saying that we now need to arm elephants.

–

Stephen Colbert apparently has convinced Bill Clinton to open a Twitter account. But once again, I think we can all be happy that the former president never had the ability to text or send camera phone pictures while in office.

–

Many Colorado Rockies fans were complaining because the team doesn’t have their home opener until April 15. Today’s high temperature in Denver? 18 degrees. I think this is Mother Nature’s way of saying “STFU.”

–

 

Scripps National Spelling Bee just announced that semi-finalists will now also have to know the meaning of the words they spell in the competition. Great. Yet another way for 11 year olds to make us feel stupid.

–

At least 15 people were injured in an attack at a Texas college near Houston. So far injuries only. But then there is no such thing as a semi-automatic knife.

–

Tom Cruise now says that he “did not expect” Katie Holmes’ abrupt filing for divorce last year. What? Tom must have thought it was a 10 year contract instead of five.

 

–

As the NBA draft declarations begin have to wonder why colleges raise NCAA tournament banners any more. Not like any of the players on the teams are ever there the following year to see them.

 

Former V.P. Dick Cheney spoke to Republican lawmakers Tuesday about North Korea, and reportedly told them “We’re in deep doo-doo.” “Deep doo-doo?!” And this is the man who was supposed to be W’s adult supervision?

 

–

Golden State Warriors heading to the playoffs for the 2nd time in the last 19 years. Or as Chicago Cubs fans call that – “practically a dynasty.”

–

How scary a stat is this?  (From Gregg Drinnan of the Kamloops Daily News in British Columbia “Lakers center Dwight Howard has missed more free throws this season than Steve Nash has missed in his 17-year career.,”

And if anyone’s reading this in Orlando they’re just giggling….

–

Tigers DH Victor Martinez missed today’s game when he needed stitches after cutting his thumb on the bat rack at Comerica Park. In San Francisco, Bruce Bochy issued an order to keep Jeremy Affeldt away from the bat rack.

(Giants fans can just imagine Affeldt running his hand along the rack….”So how could you possibly cut yourself on one of these… Oh sh*t.”..)

–

 

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Deep enough?

August 22, 2012

Someone please take away this man’s shovel, he’s dug himself deep enough: Todd Akin, still defiant, says the uproar is about misspeaking “one word in one sentence on one day.” Uh, no, sir, “legitimate” was a bad word, but your whole statement was reprehensible.

–

Todd Akin has a new ad running today saying “rape has many victims.” True. Including, when talking about it like an complete idiot, political campaigns.

–

Contrary to popular opinion, GOP leaders have already forgiven Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” firestorm. In fact, today he received a personal invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

–

The only really happy person in the GOP this week? Maybe Kevin Yoder, that congressman who went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galillee. Akin did manage to knock his “full disclosure” right off the front page.

–

Piers Morgan put an empty chair on his show last night after Todd Akin no-showed an interview. Most Republicans didn’t mind – the chair was far less embarrassing than Akin.

–

Akins last-minute cancellation led Morgan to refer to him as “what we would call in Britain a gutless little twerp.”  Thereby prompting millions of Americans to wish that Piers was moderating a Presidential debate.

–

RNC Chair Reince Priebus said today: “This is the platform of the Republican Party; it’s not the platform of Mitt Romney.” Is that because Romney is more moderate, or because the GOP can’t figure out what Mitt’s platform is either?

–

Diana Nyad’s latest attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida has ended. But her proud team said “Nobody in the world would even attempt this, but we did.” Uh, “nobody in the world?” Countless Cubans are thinking “Not exactly.”

–

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are officially single again. Impressive, their divorce proceedings were faster than a Kardashian marriage.

–

Mitt Romney on reports that Obama had spent more campaign money than he raised in July. “”We’re a little wiser in our spending than the other side, apparently.” Uh, well with the Super PACS that’s like saying you’re keeping to a budget when you’re living off your parents’ money.

–

Former MLB player Jeff Kent is appearing on the next Survivor. Wonder if one of the challenges will involve washing a truck?

–

An interesting sidelight on this Melky Cabrera story: Supposedly, positive tests are not announced unless a player’s appeals fail and he is actually suspended. So are there other players who might have come up with say, better fake websites?

–

In fact…. Ah Bud, always ahead of the curve: MLB commssioner Bud Selig has banned Melky Cabrera’s associate Juan Nunez from all clubhouses. As if players were lining up to have him design another easily caught fake website.

–

Tuesday was the 53rd anniversary of the day Hawaii became a state. As my funny friend Abbe Nelson says “part of a fiendishly clever plot by Kenyan socialists to take over the US 50 years later.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Women’s work?

July 8, 2012

The Yankees’ Mark Texiera has accused Red Sox reliever Vincente Padilla of headhunting. Padilla’s response “I think, maybe (he) picked the wrong profession. I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport. Guessing Padilla has never watched women’s rugby or roller derby.

–

For that matter,  Nordstrom’s  has just asked Texiera if he’d like to attend opening day of their next shoe sale.

–

Ernest Borgnine has passed away at the age of 95. You might have been a teenager in the 70s if you think maybe in heaven he’s already swimming again with Shelley Winters.

–

A concert in Pyongyang for new leader Kim Jong Un featured performers dressed as Mickey Mouse, Tigger and other Disney characters. Does this signal a softening in North Korean relations with the West? Or is it just a step towards using “It’s a Small World” as a torture device.

–

Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, FL, Republican Party next month. No, this is not from the Onion.

-Wimbledon mens final Sunday was at 2p London time:  The response in the US ?    “Let’s see if Andy Murray can win for the UK – 10%; “Let’s see if Switzerlands’s Roger Federer can win his 7th title – 10%; “There’s no American involved, screw it, I’m sleeping in.” – 80%.

–

George Zimmerman is reportedly in a “safe house” in Florida. Presumably his security team also brings him things like iced tea and Skittles.

–

John Boehner recently said the American people “probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November.

–

Is there some rule that Yankees-Red Sox games must go at least 3 1/2 hours?

–

A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S.

–

At the first day’s running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, one man was gored, and another was dragged by a bull. According to CNN, the dragged runner was from Japan, and their “gender was not immediately released.” Uh, let me guess.

–

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently negotiating a divorce settlement instead of going to court. Translation, they’re trying to figure out a number high enough for Katie to keep her mouth shut.

–

Vikings RB Adrian Peterson was arrested Saturday night on a resisting arrest charge. Yet another NFL player wanting a trade to the Bengals?

–

Be careful what you wish for department:    Have to wonder, did anyone connected with the San Diego Fireworks fizzle say they thought their show should be the most watched in the country? If so, they did at least get their wish – over 4 million Youtube views now alone!

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

All-starred.

July 2, 2012

A All-Star tale of two cities: SF Giants fans stuffed the ballot box and were happy to get three starters on the team. NY Yankees fans got three of their players named to the team and thought “we should have stuffed the ballot box.”

–

At this point Buster Posey is likely to end up catching Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey.  Hmm, maybe it was Yadier Molina and Carlos Ruiz who stuffed the ballot box for him.

–

What is the “age of reason?” It might be 33. The age at which all of Tom Cruise’s wives have divorced him.

–

The Tour de France started this weekend. Yet another event that most Americans no longer care about now that we have no chance of winning.

–

Alec Baldwin married yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas over the weekend. By all accounts it was a lovely wedding. Except when out of habit Alec accidentally punched the photographer.

–

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a press conference about storm damage, but when a reporter asked a question on a different topic, responded “Did I say on topic? Are you stupid? On topic, on topic. Next question.” If   Obama is re-elected, he could make Christie a bi-partisan advisor in charge of heckling.

–

Senior Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom said today that the Governor agrees, the fee for not having insurance is a penalty and not a tax. After all, that’s what Mitt thought it was when he implemented Obamacare/Romneycare in Massachusetts.

–

Anderson Cooper is the latest public figure to come out of the closet. Well, now that Tom Cruise is single…..

–

Michael Phelps has dropped the 200 freestyle for London, meaning he will only have a chance for 7 golds at the 2012 Olympics. Slacker.

–

A new study has found the more coffee you drink, the more you may be protecting yourself against skin cancer. Well, makes sense, the more time you spend in line at Starbucks the less time you are out in the sun.

–

From my friend Rich Lieberman:  CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.

–

First Dwight Howard wanted to be traded, then he wanted to stay with the Orlando Magic, now he wants to be traded again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Alas poor Tom-Kat….

June 30, 2012

Forget the Supreme Court healthcare decision, here’s the news that many Americans will really care about: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are apparently divorcing. (I blame Obama.)

–

Responded my friend Sonia Mogha “What,  I’m moving to Canada.”

–

–

The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage lasted 5 years. That’s a lifetime in Kardashian years.

–

–

All these people complaining about the cost of Obamacare. Where were they when George W. Bush decided to start a trillion dollar war?

–

Now it looks like Penn State officials exchanged emails in ultimately decided not to go to the authorites about Jerry Sandusky in 2001. Even the New Orleans Saints know the Nittany Lions football program is in deep trouble.

–

Republicans are already starting attacks on Obamacare. To save money, they’re considering just recycling anti-Romney ads from Massachusetts.

–

Mark your calendars for October 3. First presidential debate. Can’t wait to see Mittens discuss constitutionality of Romneycare.

–

If a Republican was President, the GOP would be hailing the individual mandate as a way to get Americans to take responsibility for their own healthcare.

–

Contrary to popular opinion, the GOP powers-that-be are not that unhappy with Justice John Roberts. In fact they just sent him an invitation for an all-expense-paid hunting trip with Dick Cheney

–

-For those distracted by the end of Tom-Kat, Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his wife Anne Sinclair may also have separated, after a year where Strauss-Kahn was first charged with rape, and then with involvement in a prostitution ring. And who saw that coming?

–

Never judge a book by its cover: Adorable little girl in the airport lounge playing a video game. Exclamation of joy. Figure it’s something cute. She happily shows me her screen – the game is “Plague” and she’s eradicating the world with a virus.

–

Stocks posted a huge rally after news of a Eurozone deal. Beginning to think the most important person in this presidential election may be Angela Merkel.

–

from Jim Barach: Attorney General Eric Holder has been held in contempt of Congress. To which most Americans are asking “who isn’t in contempt of Congress?”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Liars and jokers and clowns, oh my….

December 21, 2011

Mitt Romney is slowly picking up endorsements from GOP leaders, presumably who are all singing under their breath – “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

–

Actor Tom Cruise told People magazine today that “Every day I fall more in love,” with wife Katie Holmes. Who says platonic marriages don’t work?

–

Former American Idol runner-up David Archuleta has announced he is taking a break from his singing career to go on a two-year Mormon mission. This news surprised many music fans, who didn’t realize Archuleta still had a singing career.

–

Just how stupid do they think Americans are getting? Got a nice gift of two bottles of wine in a box this Christmas. The description tag says “No refrigeration required.”

–

As part of the Ohio State sanctions, former coach Jim Tressel, was hit with a five-year “show-cause” order (meaning a school will need to “show cause” why they hire him and face sanctions if they do.) You know what that means, look for Tressel to follow Pete Carroll to the NFL.

–

The NCAA sanctions for Ohio State apparently include a bowl ban for 2012. Actually a more appropriate punishmanent might have been – allow the team to play but ban them from receiving ANY memorabilia.

–

Congratulations to the Stanford women’s basketball team, who knocked off Tennessee tonight 97-80. But kudos also to Tennessee coach Pat Summitt, 59, who is still coaching after a diagnosis of early onset dementia, and is putting a brave and public face on a very nasty disease.

–

The U.S. House decided to leave for their holiday break, without even voting on the payroll tax cut extension. Hmm, with most Americans if we don’t do our jobs before vacation, we don’t get paid, or we get fired when we come back.

–

John Boehner apparently asked President Obama to order the Senate to appoint negotiators to work out a compromise with the House on a payroll tax-cut extension. Is this a budget battle or a NFL/NBA type lockout?

–

Bipartisan rant: Not that it will ever happen, but while we’re in the season of wish lists, could we outlaw this stupid procedure of putting stuff in Congressional bills that have nothing to do with the bill itself? (Not talking about ways to pay for the bill, but stuff like pipelines, various pork, etc. And yes, both parties have been guilty of this.)

–

These clowns are making the NBA players and owners look mature.

–

A twisted thought from T.C. regarding Big Ben’s sore foot – “Rex Ryan volunteered to take a look at it.”

–

Gary Johnson announced he is dropping out of the GOP Presidential primary, and will run instead for the Libertarian nomination. The number one response of most Americans – “Who the heck is Gary Johnson?”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments