Posted tagged ‘Brett Favre jokes’

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Crawling into 2010

January 1, 2010

Which could be the unfortunate slogan of the Cincinnati Bearcats. It’s not that fans in Cincinnati aren’t used to being embarrassed. It’s that usually the Bengals, and the police, are involved.

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It’s now officially 2010. Which could make Brett Favre the first NFL quarterback to retire in three different decades.

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Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has not only been cited for possession of a firearm in the team’s locker room, but also allegedly he “presented” the gun to a teammate during an argument. Okay, now THAT’s stupid, said Plaxico Burress.

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Coaches Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno both won their New Year’s Day bowl games. Thereby proving the old adage – “Age and treachery shall overcome middle-age and skill.”

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You can’t make this stuff up, Christmas night version

December 25, 2009

The following is an actual quote from Stanford football coach Jim Harbaugh.

“It struck me that here was a man who literally took his team on his back this year and a program and a university. Leading them back to their rightful place, a legendary place in college football.

It was biblical to me; Toby Gerhart was John the Baptist, out into the wilderness making things straight and being called back into the wilderness to bring Stanford football back.”

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Some might think Harbaugh’s comments were sacrilegious. Florida fans are just glad he didn’t really over-reach and compare Gerhart to Tim Tebow.

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Angelina Jolie gave an interview in which she said ” “I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. “Why couldn’t I have married a nice girl like that?” said Tiger Woods.

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In the Emerald Bowl, USC’s rookie quarterback Matt Barkley, 19, will face Boston College’s rookie quarterback Dave Shinskie, 25. Known by his teammates as “Uncle Dave,” Shinskie spent six years in minor league baseball.

This might be the biggest age gap between quarterbacks since any Vikings game this year.

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Los Angeles Lakers fans, frustrated by their team’s play on Christmas night, littered the Staples Center court with giveaway foam fingers. As opposed to Golden State Warriors fans, who have been giving their team the finger all year.

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Cellphones and other hazards.

December 21, 2009

Maine may be the first state to pass a law saying that cellphone use may be hazardous to your health. In related news, after the Tiger Woods case, Florida may pass a law saying texting may be hazardous to your marriage.

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The Senate finally took the first vote towards passing healthcare reform, despite a winter storm that basically shut down the city, and required some senators to fly in on government planes for the vote. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for some opponents to say they would pass healthcare reform when Hell froze over.

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Despite the fact that healthcare reform has been debated in Congress since March, and by presidents off an on since Truman, Maine Senator Olympia Snowe said she will vote against the bill because it was “rushed.” and that the “process denies us the opportunity to thoroughly and carefully and deliberately evaluate what’s at stake.”

Her comments won’t win her any friends in the Democratic party. But she might get a campaign donation from Brett Favre.

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Democrats are celebrating what now looks like sure passage of the healthcare bill. Republicans are saying it might be the biggest mistake in Washington in recent memory, or at least since Dan Snyder was allowed to purchase the Redskins.
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After this weekend, three of the 34 college football bowl games are over. And if you can name the winners of all three, you probably have too much time on your hands.

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“Up in the Air” is already a favorite for “Best Picture,” and as a travel agent I can say that a surprising number of the details about frequent flier miles and travel are accurate. But not all of them. Without giving anything important about the movie away I can say without a doubt that the movie’s biggest “fantasy” is that there might actually be empty seats next to someone sitting in first class.

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So the prodigal quarterback (and potentially Oakland’s most expensive mistake ever), comes off the bench because there was literally no one else left. And he leads the Raiders to an improbable last-minute comeback. If this were a script it would be panned as too farfetched.

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And meanwhile in Charlotte, Brett Favre was unable to lead the Vikings to a comeback win over the Carolina Panthers. But let’s be fair, it was the Sunday night game. Which means the fourth quarter was way past his bedtime.

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The Panthers sacked Favre four times, and intercepted him once. Good thing the game wasn’t in Minnesota. Some of the Carolina Panthers could have been arrested for elder abuse.

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That sigh of relief you heard…

December 6, 2009

…was BCS officials when Texas kicker Hunter Lawrence’s kick sailed about 2 feet over the uprights to give the Longhorns a 13-12 victory over Nebraska. Had Nebraska pulled off the upset, the BCS committee would have had the choice for the BCS championship between TCU and Cincinnati. Both of which choices would surely be considered wrong by half the country. Not that the current system isn’t wrong already.

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Wonder how many votes he could get from Ohio (Cincinnati), Idaho (Boise State), and the Dallas-Ft Worth area (TCU), if President Obama added a rider to the healthcare bill to require an NCAA playoff system?

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Portland center Greg Oden fractured his kneecap during a game against the Houston Rockets today and will likely be out for the season. The only good news for the Trail Blazers. His hospital bills should be covered by Medicare.

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According to a San Francisco based consumer group, “The Good Guide”, apparently Zhu Zhu pets contain too high a level of the chemical, “antimony,” which can cause health issues.

Maybe we shouldn’t be sending troops to Afghanistan; it would be cheaper and cost less American lives to just ship them fast food and cheap toys.

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Minnesota police cited Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian going 104 mph in a 60-mph zone, a few days after they caught his teammate Adrian Peterson going 109 mph in a 55-mph zone. Meanwhile Brett Favre was allegedly cited for going 15 mph in a 35 mph zone, with his left blinker on.

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Tim Tebow always wears a bible verse on his eyeblack. Today’s was John 16-33, a verse that ends – “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The world, yes. Apparently Alabama, no.

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From Alex Kaseberg:

The Tiger Woods story is amazing. Married guys across the country are dumbfounded. Tiger was out dating women when he could have been playing golf? What is wrong with him?

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And then there was one…. oops, two.

November 16, 2009

It looked like this Sunday night would see the ranks of the NFL unbeatens fall to one, the New Orleans Saints.

But then the New England Patriots made a surprising decision to go for a first down on fourth and two on their own 28 with a six point lead. Then a questionable, and unreviewed, spot of the football gave the Indianapolis Colts new life with two minutes to go. And they pulled out a 35-34 victory.

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So yet another controversial call goes in favor of an undefeated team. Is the NFL borrowing referees from the SEC?

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Despite another loss, this time to Pittsburgh, and a 6-4 record, Stewart Mandel of SI.com is still predicting a New Year’s Day bowl for Notre Dame. (Okay, so it’s the Gator Bowl, but it’s still worth about $2 million.)

But hey, the school has a reputation, and rich fans. If this projected Yankee Bowl comes to pass in the 2010 season, maybe the Fighting Irish could be permanent hosts?

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They’re still reeling down in Los Angeles. First the Rams, then the Raiders. Now with USC’s embarrassing drubbing at the hands of Stanford it’s looking like the city may have lost their last professional football team.

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It’s been quite a rough few weeks for USC. First a 47-20 loss to Oregon, then a 55-21 loss to Stanford. The last time anyone can remember things going this badly for the Trojans, a wooden horse was involved.

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“2012” was a huge winner at the box office, as apparently the idea of watching a major disaster movie appealed to a wide demographic. With the possible exception of moderate Republicans, who view it as a potential documentary should Sarah Palin run for the White House.

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Sarah Palin and her husband Todd married 7 1/2 months before their son Track was born. But Sarah now says she was “devastated” to find out her daughter was pregnant, as she didn’t even think Bristol was having sex. This from a woman who called President Obama “beyond naive?”
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What’s worse for Cowboys fans? A 17-7 loss to the Packers, that was a shutout until the game was almost over? Or the fact that they can’t blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

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The Who will be playing at halftime for the 2010 Super Bowl. Apparently they were suggested by Brett Favre, who thought the game should feature some young, modern acts.

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Actually, for fans who turn into the Super Bowl without paying much attention to the regular season, “Who Are You?” may be the reaction if they end up watching the Saints.

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Once again, you can’t make this up, again.

October 29, 2009

Apparently Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a reality show in which he’ll date Octomom Nadya Suleman. Presumably there are some pre-conditions to be worked out first on both sides, like mandatory sterilization.

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Brett Favre has said about his return to Green Bay’s Lambeau Field Sunday that “I’ve heard boos in that stadium before.” Well, at least this time he won’t hear them for interceptions.

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The Washington redskins are banning fans from bringing home made signs from FedEx field under a general NFL principle that messages displayed on signs and clothing cannot be offensive.

Fans in return are wondering when the Redskins will start following the general NFL principle that the team on the field shouldn’t be offensive.

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A Philadelphia woman allegedly offered to trade sex for World Series tickets for herself and her husband. That’s a tough one for men – would you let your wife have sex with another man if you got Series tickets out of it? Well, at least that’s one worry Cubs fans don’t have..

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Sarah Palin continued her feud with Levi Johnston today, saying he has a “desperate need for attention.” She added that she will explain further on Twitter, on her Facebook page and during her upcoming book tour.

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Shaquille O’Neal just said that he and Zydrunas Ilgauskas are the “best centers in the NBA” Well, maybe for those playing the sports edition of Scrabble.

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SF Giants prospect Buster Posey was voted the Player of the Year amongst those who spent 2009 on minor league teams. Which must be a disappoinment for Ryan Zimmerman of the Washington Nationals.

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Yet more off days…

October 22, 2009

Due to television scheduling the Yankees-Angels had a day between games four and five, and now have another day between games five and six. This is certainly a record playoff year for “off days.” Including for the umpires.

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For what it’s worth, had New York won tonight, the World Series wouldn’t have started for six days. Which might have given Yankees fans enough time to take out mortgages to buy Series tickets.

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Yahoo has now apologized for using lap dancers to entertain male software developers and engineers in Taiwan last weekend during a “brainstorming meeting.” Yeah, was that really the brain they wanted to encourage the men to use?

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So after bypassing Minneapolis the first time, a Northwest Airlines jet made a U-turn and ended up landing there safely. Who was flying the plane – Brett Favre?

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A Northwest Airlines plane flying from San Diego overshot Minneapolis airport by 150 miles yesterday before the crew discovered their mistake and turned around. My question, do the passengers get 300 extra frequent flier miles?

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Maybe Dodgers fans should cut Manny Ramirez some slack for his weak performance in the NLCS. It’s tough to play with post-partum depression.

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Manny Ramirez not only finished the NLCS with a .263 batting average and only 2 RBIs, he had left the dugout was taking a shower during the Phillies comeback in game 4. Though as Bill Littlejohn says “Well, he was the cleanup hitter.”
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It has now been 21 years since the Dodgers got to the World Series. On a more positive note, the team issued a press release saying that by not needing a victory parade, they have cut down on their carbon footprint.

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California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to fast-track a potential new NFL stadium in Los Angeles in hopes of luring a franchise to the city. And he stated “A team does not have to necessarily come from a California city,” he said. “It can come from somewhere else, or it could be a new team that is created.”

Translation, not even Los Angeles wants the Raiders, 49ers or Chargers.

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For that matter, presumably Los Angeles doesn’t want the Rams back either.

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Listening to ESPN baseball analysts discuss Saturday’s Yankees-Angels game and claiming that a team’s history doesn’t make any difference to a current team of players who weren’t even there. Two words – Chicago Cubs.

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This last may not make sense to anyone under 40. But Soupy Sales died Thursday at the age of 83. Wonder if his tombstone will read “Fit to be Pied?”

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Football and other follies

October 1, 2009

Who’d a thunk it, College Football Division. At 1230p on Saturday in Palo Alto, Stanford and UCLA meet for the Pac 10 lead. Meanwhile, at 5pm, Cal and USC play in the “Over-Rated Bowl.”

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One of the reasons BCS officials give against having a college football playoff system, is that the extra one or two games would be rough on the schedules of student-athletes. Meanwhile, in ESPN’s nationally televised Wednesday night college game, Louisiana Tech beat Hawaii 27-6, and in the Thursday night game, West Virginia knocked off Colorado 35-24.

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A fossil hominid (pre-human) skeleton found in Africa is apparently over 4 million years old and pre-dates Lucy. No confirmation on the rumor it was found wearing a Brett Favre jersey.

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Okay, this is tacky. But I have to ask. Amongst his staff – does Letterman have a Top Ten list?

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So Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, has pulled the plug for now on filming his children for the reality TV series. He couldn’t have thought of this sooner, like in 2007 before the show started?

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You cannot make this stuff up department:

Last year, Binghamton University earned a trip to March Madness. This year, before the season even has started, within a 48 hour period, six players were suspended from the team. And the school’s athletic director rhetorically asked “who’s running the zoo?”

The response, in a letter to the editor from Amanda J. Padwa, the Binghamton Zoo’s business manager.

“Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms. Our bear doesn’t have temper tantrums and storm off his exhibit. You won’t find any of our lemurs busted for smoking pot. So, please, stop insulting zoos by comparing those criminals to us.”

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And in case anyone thinks that modern day sports is getting too overblown and out-of-hand, consider this quote from Bobby Dodd, one of college football’s most successful coaches at Georgia Tech during the 1950’s and early 1960s.

‘Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.’

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Heroes and goats.

August 26, 2009

This first great story submitted by reader Bill Williams, from the Winona, Wisconsin Daily News.

Apparently an repairman in an auto shop found a woman customer had tied up a goat in her trunk.

The goat was painted Minnesota Vikings purple and gold, with #4 shaved in its side. The repairman called animal rescue.

Winona officials are considering filing charges for animal abuse against the woman. No word if they consider the greater offence tying up the goat, or having him in purple and gold with Favre’s number.

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Johan Santana will have elbow surgery, which means his season is over. Only a couple months after that of the Mets.

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In a recent study, two-thirds of college students said their generation was more “self-promoting, narcissistic, overconfident and attention-seeking than others.” The other third said they were just naturally more outgoing and gifted.

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State regulators have launched an investigation of a Southern California day care center after two toddlers were found playing on railroad tracks near the facility.

An investigation? Really? What was their first clue?

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Argentina has joined Mexico and Columbia in decriminalizing small amounts of marijuana. Brazil and Ecuador are considering following suit.

Well, this certainly means there wouldn’t be any problem filling rosters on any potential new NBA South America.

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And one serious note, yes, I do write serious stuff once in a great while:

Rest In Peace Ted Kennedy. I cannot think of another politician who has so redeemed his image over the years. He became the kind of statesman politicians on both sides of the aisle should aspire to be.

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Okay, yeah, I give up, more Brett.

August 23, 2009

Have you heard about the Brett Favre cocktail? Could be one of the greatest drinks ever, but it’s hard to know when to quit.

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The two unhappiest folks in Minnesota have to be the two quarterbacks who expected to contend for the starting job. Or as they are known by the Vikings organization – Chopped Liver Numbers One and Two.

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Former Memphis and U Mass coach John Calipari has now had his teams have to completey forfeit two Final Four seasons in 11 years. And he left Memphis to accept the University of Kentucky coaching job while the school was under investigation.

But Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear has said “I’m not worried about it because they have never said Coach Cal did anything wrong at all, I think he’s a very upstanding guy. I really don’t foresee any problems.”

“REALLY?” said Governor Mark Sanford.

Bob Knight was ultimately fired for behavior issues, but he will now be inducted into Indiana University’s athletics Hall of Fame. No word on what celebrity will be on hand to throw out the first chair.

(note, if anyone is reading this from Westcoastsportsbabe – Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times was nice enough to use my joke about Tiger Woods, but he spelled the blog name wrong.)

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More Brett – How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

August 21, 2009

Definition of eternity – Waiting behind Brett Favre for your turn in the voting booth.

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ESPN said that Brett Favre’s debut, although rusty, was a hit. The only hit Packers fans might want to hear about in connection with Favre might be from Tom Cable.

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Brett’s season may come down to his offensive line. Although Packers fans consider his real offensive line “I have signed with the Minnesota Vikings.”

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When the player formerly known as Chad Johnson kicked the winning point after touchdown for Cincinnati against Denver, did the headlines read “Ocho Cinco 86s Broncos?”

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The sale of the Chicago Cubs was finalized today, for a price reportedly in the $845 million range. The deal, which took 2 1/2 years to put together, will be known as “a LOT of Cash for Clunkers.”

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The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America will lift a ban requiring gay and lesbian ministers to be celibate. Now individual congregations can hire homosexuals who are in committed relationships. Some ECLA members weren’t quite ready to remove the ban on having sex, so they wanted to restrict hiring to gays who were married,

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SF Giants fans will get this one: (especially after tonight’s 6-3 nailbiter over the Rockies.)

Have you heard about the new Brian Wilson cocktail? Pour anything over ice, and a lot of it, just before he takes the mound.

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From the always funny Alex Kaseberg:

The NFL is investigating Oakland Raider coach Tom Cable’s punching and fracturing the jaw of an assistant coach. The good news? It was the first decent hit by a Raider in two years.

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He’s baaaack….

August 18, 2009

So what finally made Favre sign with the Vikings? Maybe Brett wanted Michael Vick to sign first so he wouldn’t necessarily be the most hated quarterback in football.

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Whats the difference between Stephen Strasburg and Brett Favre. One just signed a huge contract without any evidence that he is really ready to play at a professional level. The other is the newest member of the Nationals.

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The Brett Favre theme song: “Never Can Say Goodbye.”

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At least we won’t have to worry about seeing Favre on the celebrity version of “Who wants to be a millionaire?” He could never get past “Is that your final answer?”

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Apparently Favre and his wife had one of the longest wedding ceremonies in U.S. history. There was an unexplained 90 minute pause after the minister asked, “Do you Brett, take this woman, for better for worse…..as long as you both shall live?

This one inspired by the very funny Neil Berliner, who noted that “its a woman’s perogative to change her mind” and suggested Brett might soon show up in purple culottes.”

My thought, I didn’t realize Favre and Manny had the same physician.

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We’ve all changed our minds..

June 5, 2009

Brett Favre’s agent, Bus Cook, says of the currently-retired-at-this-moment quarterback  “We’ve all changed our minds, I guess.”

Isn’t this like someone saying of Bill Clinton ‘We’ve all lusted in our hearts?”

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Definition of eternity.  Joe Biden trying to compress his thoughts into a 140 character Twitter.

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The San Francisco Giants are celebrating Randy Johnson’s 300th win.  Even though out of that 300 win total, he has more wins against the Giants than with them.

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this one from Bill Littlejohn:  A doctor says that Lamar Odom‘s inconsistency in the playoffs is due to a large amount of candy consumption that leads to highs and crashes.So, when Lamar is on the court, I guess the Lakers go into a Twinkie Defense”

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Mine that Bird is being hyped as a great Canadian horse because he raced as a two year old in  Toronto despite being born in Kentucky.    Maybe it’s payback for the “American” teams – Pittsburgh and Detroit-  fighting for the Stanley Cup.  (Since most of them were born in Canada, and Europe.)

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President Obama opened his speech in Cairo with a greeting in coherent Arabic.   Much of the Muslim world was shocked.  “Tell us about it”, said all the Americans who are still getting used to our President opening a speech in coherent English.

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Saving the Hubble telescope

May 8, 2009

On Monday NASA will launch a rescue mission to repair the aging Hubble telescope.  Just how old is the Hubble?  For the last few years the telescope has been orbiting earth with its left blinker on.

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ESPN hired Matt Millen, fired as the Detroit Lions general manager after an -0-16 season,  as an expert football analyst.

Isn’t hiring Matt Millen now as an football analyst like hiring George W. Bush to teach English.

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or

Isn’t hiring Matt Millen as an expert football analyst like hiring Bristol Palin to preach abstinence?

 

Brett Favre sent an X-ray of his shoulder to the Minnesota Vikings.  The Vikings will decide whether or not to make Favre an offer based on the report from the paleontologist.

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In an interview this week Joe the Plumber referred to gays as “queers” and said he doesn’t want his children around them.  Well, I guess he’s not sending the kids to Catholic school.

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You can’t make this stuff up

May 1, 2009

As in  –  Michael Vick – potential  future PETA spokesman.   

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And Miss California,  Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road.  Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman.

She says, among other things, that  “God was testing my character and faith. I’m glad I stayed true to myself.”     Apparently truth has nothing to do with cup size.

But you have to hand it to her on priorities.  Ms Prejean was willing to risk losing the pageant by honestly answering a question about what she believes to be unnatural gay marriage.  But she wasn’t  not willing to lose it by showing up with her natural cleavage.

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So the economy is in shambles, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy, and the swine flu might be a pandemic.   And a Texas Congressman has introduced a bill to prevent the NCAA from crowning a national football champion unless that champion comes out of a playoff system.  Good to see Congress is on top of things:

 

Actually it would be an interesting bet – will the U.S.bring down Bin Laden before we bring down the BCS?

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Well,  for those who remember Hillary Clinton’s primary comment that Barack Obama was not a Muslem “As far as I know…:”

We’ve got a contender to top that: 

Brett Favre’s affirmation of his retirement:  “At this time.”

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Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he is retiring as of June  so he can return to a quiet life in New Hampshire.   President Obama accepted the retirement, but  simply asked Souter that before he leaves, could he also tell Clarence Thomas about the joys of rural New England?

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With all the school closings, this “swine flu” has to seem like a real gift to schoolchildren who have been ready for summer vacation for months.   The only way it could be better, if it were “broccoli flu.”   (Or anything else transmitted by eating vegetables.)

 

And finally, from the very funny Derek Wilken of Calgary, Alberta, on U.S.  officials advising citizens to avoid large crowds during the swine flu scare: “They are suggesting people stay home or stick to sparsely populated areas like the Yankees’ box seats.’’

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