Author Archive

Yes, President Obama really did want this job…

February 13, 2009

Though right now it is hard to imagine why.

Isn’t fulfilling your dream of being President of the United States right now kind of like fulfilling your dream of being a number one NFL draft pick…and then realizing that means being the quarterback of the Detroit Lions?


President Obama has been praising Abraham Lincoln a great deal recently, acknowledging that without Lincoln’s presidency, a black man might never have been elected President. With all due respect to and admiration for Lincoln, without George W’s efforts, a black man might not have been elected President.


Too easy but…

Republicans are getting a little tired of the Obama-Lincoln comparisons. In fact today John McCain stood up and said “President Obama, I knew Abraham Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine, President Obama, you’re no Abraham Lincoln.”

Website for the octuplets?

February 12, 2009

Nadya Suleman, the mother of those in-vitro octuplets, has now got a website for people to donate money to help her take care of her now fourteen children.

What’s the site’s title? “Supportanutjob.com?”


With all the struggles President Obama is having with a stimulus package, maybe an easy start would just be to have Michelle buy one new outfit a day, and post her picture in it on a website.

(Could in all seriousness jumpstart the clothing business)


In these uncertain times, many Americans find themselves looking around for something stable. And yes, despite all the other changes in this world the past year, Brett Favre is still retiring.

New toast in Green Bay – may your troubles last as long as Brett Favre’s retirements.


Wells Fargo has been criticized for their plans to take executives on a junket to Las Vegas. In the bank’s defence, the blackjack tables might have been a better bet than some of their subprime mortgages.


Basically many banks seem to have thrown millions and millions of dollars around casually, with little oversight or concern for results. Who did they think they were, the New York Yankees?

In Mexico, Blockbuster Video was giving soccer fans voodoo dolls that were likenesses of American players before the two national teams met in a World Cup qualifier. To no avail. The U.S. shut out Mexico 2-0.

But come on, if voodoo really worked, wouldn’t the New Orleans Saints have won a Super Bowl or two by now?

A-Rod and maybe real…

February 11, 2009

So the squeaky-clean guy who was supposed to take over Barry Bonds’ home run crown turns out to be dirty too. It’s as if we had replaced Bill Clinton as president with John Edwards.


Some doubt A-Rod’s recent confessions. The newly tainted slugger is shocked…why shouldn’t American believe his “truth will set you free” statements, when he’s been lying about steroids for years.


It’s a strange world when Jose Canseco becomes baseball’s moral arbiter.

Actually, in 2007 Alex Rodriguez gave an interview to Katie Couric saying he never used or was tempted to use steroids. Well, this might turn out to be the second most damaging interview with Katie ever….


And somewhere Sarah Palin is saying, wait a minute, how come HE gets a do-over?


Good news for seniors. John McCain may have lost the presidential race, and Kurt Warner may have lost the Super Bowl, but hey, Stump, a ten-year old Springer Spaniel just won top honors at the Westminster Dog Show.

Tim Geithner didn’t wave a magic wand and make the financial crisis go away. Congress is upset, had they known he was mortal they might have actually cared that he didn’t pay taxes.

Is it just me, or as America seems to wait for a miracle from Treasury Secretary Geithner is there a voice somewhere saying “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain?”


In the meantime, Barack Obama is thinking… Elizabeth Taylor had honeymoons that lasted longer than this.


But to be fair, Barack Obama is like the man who has the job of trying to modernize the circus, at the same time as he has to clean up after the elephants.


At this point, blaming Barack Obama for the country’s mess is like blaming Mike Singletary for the 49ers not making the playoffs.

They’ve got a little list…

February 10, 2009

103 names still are unknown on the 2003 baseball steroid’s list. There haven’t been this many nervous men since Heidi Fleiss threatened to release her client list.

Many people say the real problem with steroids is that they don’t want children idolizing stars who succeeded by using artificial enhancements.. In fact, many parents may give up on baseball and just take their kids to the movies.


If it turns out A-Rod was indeed taking steroids after 2003, we will learn something useful about the drugs – they don’t work in October.


Joe Biden says that there is a 30 percent chance the stimulus program will not succeed. Remember when so many people wanted Barack Obama to choose Hillary for vice president, but there was a concern she might undermine him?


Tiger Woods said last week that his return to tournament play depended on the his second child’s birth, which “takes precedent over anything I do golf-wise.”

His fellow golfers applauded that statement and suggest he take time to enjoy his new son, say, until Charlie is ready for kindergarten.

What’s more embarrassing?

February 9, 2009

What’s more embarrassing for Alex Rodriguez?

That he may have been caught using steroids, or that he needed performance-enchancing drugs to be the best player on the Texas Rangers?


A-Rod has been more accessible than Bonds ever was, which might mean in the end the media won’t trash him nearly so much.

But, in the end, mightn’t being the best player caught in the “steroid era”, be like being considered the smartest person in the Bush adminstation?

The last decade has been incredibly profitable for Major League Baseball. But as it comes out that almost (if not every) star slugger over the past ten years has been taking steroids, perhaps we can say the person who has benefited most from performance enhancing drugs has been Bud Selig.

A-Rod – Does the A stand for Asterisk?

February 8, 2009

So now what’s the difference between Barry Bonds’ reputation and Alex Rodriguez’s reputation? About five years.


Now A-Rod’s name has been leaked as only one of the first of 104 players who reportedly tested positive for steroids in 2003. Maybe we should put a flag with an asterisk out in front of the Baseball Hall of Fame and be done with it.


It does kind of put a whole new spin on Joe Torre’s “A-Fraud” label.


Despite still being unsigned less than two weeks before the start of spring training, Manny Ramirez told the Los Angeles Times that “that he wouldn’t be disgruntled by the lengthy contract talks. ”

Nah, he’ll find something else to be disgruntled about.


After the Coast Guard and others had to rescue over 150 people from a broken ice flow on Lake Erie, an Ohio sheriff stated “if there was a section in the code about common sense, we would have had 150 arrests out there today.”

With all due respect sir, if there were a section in the criminal code about common sense, there wouldn’t be room for them in the Ohio prisons.


Back to politics: The bad news, over 600,000 Americans lost their jobs in January. The good news, two of them were Bush and Cheney.

What’s in a name?

February 7, 2009

Sarah Palin claims she named her daughter Bristol, because she had once wanted to work for ESPN in Bristol, Connecticut.

Good thing ESPN headquarters isn’t in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.


Given the way Sarah Palin’s career has turned out, wonder if she had twins, would they be named “Fair” and “Balanced?”


Kellogg’s dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesman after he was photographed using a bong. So let me get this straight, a guy was fired for using marijuana by the maker of Pop-Tarts?

The mother of those octuplets says she she expects to be able to support all her kids once she gets her master’s degree and becomes a mental health counselor. Yeah, right, nothing says mental health to think it’s normal to have 14 kids.


Three of the biggest stories of the past year have been Larry Craig, Rod Blagojevich, and now this new mother. These folks may not do much for the theory of evolution, but they aren’t helping the theory of intelligent design either.


And a non-steroids fueled rant: Okay, so the point supposedly of the feds still going after Barry Bonds, even though he’s not currently playing, is that they want to send a message that you can’t profit from steroids.

So let’s see. Baseball attendance was in the tank after the 1994 strike, until home run totals started taking off. (Remember “Chicks dig the long ball?”) Some say the McGwire-Sosa home run chase saved the sport. All of this overseen by Bud Selig. Who claims he didn’t even hear discussions about performance enchancing drugs until 1998 or 1999. And who just got a raise of $17.5 million a year.

Yeah, we sure don’t want to give anyone the impression they could profit from steroids.

“Anonymous, pathetic bloggers”

February 6, 2009

Sarah Palin railed this week in an interview against “anonymous, pathetic bloggers.” She also said that a transcript of her comments would be available at “joetheplumber.com.”

You have to love it, Governor Palin condemned bloggers for “spreading falsehoods” about her…and in case we forgot, brought up all those falsehoods again.


When asked if he agreed with Sarah Palin’s comments about bloggers, John McCain replied “What’s a blogger?”


Sarah Palin also said in an interview that she named her daughter Bristol after the home of ESPN. Apparently Palin had wanted to work there in her pre-political days, but had decided it was too far away. This is a woman who can see Russia from her house, but is daunted by the idea of Bristol, Connecticut?

Although things are not going as smoothly in Washington as Barack Obama would like, at least we have a Democratic president who is working on a stimulus package, instead of working on getting someone to stimulate his package.


The woman who gave birth to in-vitro octuplets told an interviewer she was “longing for personal connections.” Anyone ever suggest a puppy?

Although on the other hand, the Humane Society generally requires some evidence of financial and mental stability for people who want to adopt puppies….


Republicans are almost uniformly against Barack Obama’s stimulus plan, preferring instead another round of tax cuts. Now, I’m not an economist, but didn’t we try that for the last eight years already?

Republicans are saying we should ignore President Obama and go back to more tax cuts. Isn’t that like the Detroit Lions telling their coach they don’t need his new ideas since they prefer the 2008 playbook?


Lane Kiffin, in his new position as the University of Tennessee football coach, has already sparked controversy by accusing Florida coach Urban Meyer of cheating. For making a legal call to a recruit.

Who’d a thought that between Kiffin and his old boss, Al Davis would turn out to be the restrained one?

As the Yankees turn…

February 5, 2009

Derek Jeter defended his former manager and said, despite the book controversy that Joe Torre would never intentionally be cruel or try to hurt anybody. That remains George Steinbrenner’s job.


What’s all the big fuss about Phelps and the bong? Not exactly like marijuana would have helped him swim faster. Now if Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut were seen using one before the hot dog eating championship…

(note, Chestnut is the current champion, Kobayashi is a six time champion.)


This just in, all cellphones and cameras will now be confiscated at the door for any parties involving Jamaica’s track team.

And yet another Olympic scandal to tarnish a sport’s reputation. At a recent party a member of the U.S. snowboarding team was seen NOT smoking marijuana.

In Pittsburgh, city officials have adjusted their original estimates of 300,000 in the streets for the Steelers’ Super Bowl victory parade. Apparently about half of that number was just in line at the unemployment office.


Prosecutors now say that they believe Barry Bonds was taking a female fertility drug to mask his steroid use. In Bonds’ defense his lawyers say actually he was fascinated by the idea of octuplets.


And since it’s been a while since any Hillary jokes…

Hillary Clinton spent some of her first week as Secretary of State calling world leaders and said they all had a “appreciation” for the new Obama foreign policy. They also asked her, next time can you please not call at 3am?

Hillary Clinton said in a town meeting with State Department staff that sometimes she completely forgot she ran for president; “it was like a blur it went by so fast.” And of course, she was distracted by sniper fire at the time.

He’s just not that into you…

February 4, 2009

Shouldn’t someone tell the Dodgers that about Manny Ramirez?

(Who has just turned down his third contract offer from the team, this last for $25 million for a year.)


Question of the night. So how come not paying taxes disqualifies you from being Secretary of Health and Human Services, but it doesn’t disqualify you from being Secretary of the Treasury?

Wonder if this means Geithner might have been disqualifed if he cheated on his medical insurance?


And if I could draw, I would post an editorial cartoon. Two kids with a lemonade stand, Two money jars on the stand, one labelled “For lemonade”, the other labelled “For the IRS.” And the caption of one kid saying “Well, I do plan to run for office someday.”


300,000 people showed up for the Pittsburgh Steelers’ victory parade Monday. Which is about as many as will show up to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates. For the season.


A sheriff in South Carolina is thinking of charging Michael Phelps after simply seeing the picture of him using a bong in a British newspaper. Teenagers and college students all over the state are hoping no one ever shows the sheriff how to use Facebook.


Bud Selig made over $17 million as commissioner of baseball last year, more than all but three Yankees players – Jason Giambi, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. Though to be fair, unlike those players, Selig actually had to work in October.


Maybe this explains why Selig never pushed for a salary cap – the Yankees are the only team with employees standing between him and allegations of excessive CEO compensation.

The most watched Super Bowl?

February 3, 2009

Despite a less than marquee matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals, this year’s Super Bowl was the second-most watched ever. Well, yeah, at this point most Americans couldn’t afford to go out and do anything else.


Although spring training starts in a few weeks, Manny Ramirez still has not decided where he will go for the 2009 season. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”


Actually Manny Ramirez is looking for at least a four year contract. Presumably so in two years he can complain and say he wants out of it.


Though speaking of Brett Favre, New York Jets general manager Mike Tannebaum said he told Favre he can take “months if necessary” to decide if he will return for the 2009 season. Isn’t telling Brett Favre to take his time like telling Joe Biden “speak as long as you’d like?”

After that newspaper photo appeared of him smoking pot in an English newspaper, Michael Phelps said his behavior was “regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.” Of course, mostly what he regrets is being too stoned to remember that these days most people have cellphone cameras.


Proof that not all my jokes are anti Republican.

Now we know why Democrats vote against cutting taxes. They don’t plan to pay them anyway.


But on the other hand:

In Pittsburgh, thanks to the Steelers, schoolchildren were given two hours off from school Monday morning after the Super Bowl. Former President George W. Bush heard about this and said that he thought it would be a nice gesture for the University of Phoenix to give their students the morning off too.


An Arizona station apologized to its viewers over their accidentally showing 30 seconds of pornography during the Super Bowl. Apparently the station received numerous complaints, mostly from men who wondered why they went back to the game so soon.

Post Super Bowl thoughts…

February 2, 2009

Considering the fact that the Cardinals and Steelers were whistled for a combined total of 18 penalties and 162 yards, should Super Bowl XLIII go down as the best ever game of Flag Football?


The turning point in the game may well have been an interception thrown by Kurt Warner at the end of the first half, which was returned by the Steelers’ James Harrison 100 yards for a touchdown. (Despite the fact that with time expiring, all the Cardinals had to do was knock him out of bounds.) In fact, it was such an improbable touchdown, are we sure the Stanford band wasn’t somehow involved?


School children in Pittsburgh will get a mini-holiday Monday, as the city’s public schools will open two hours later than normal. But for those residents worried about sports championships affecting education time, at least this won’t happen next fall with the Pirates. (Or for Canadian readers, most likely for the Penguins either.)


And in Seattle sports fans are asking “What’s a championship?”


Back to politics. My suggestion for trimming the national debt, since paying taxes has clearly become so confusing. For anyone in the U.S. considering running for political office or accepting a cabinet level position – a six month amnesty for paying back taxes. If you think you have forgotten or misunderstood any taxes in the past 20 years you get six months to pay up and make it right, with no additional penalties. After that, with anything that comes out in the media or a vetting process the penalties will triple.

Could put a real dent in the deficit…

Pre Super Bowl jokes..

February 1, 2009

Michael Phelps was recently photographed smoking marijuana. But give the guy a break, the man won everything in sight in the Summer Olympics. Maybe he’s in training in hopes of making the Winter Olympics on U.S. snowboard team.


Either that or he’s considering a future career in the NBA

Michael Phelps may lose some endorsement contracts after being photographed with a bong. On the other hand, he’s already fielding new offers from Krispy Kreme, 7-11 and Doritos.


Two U.S. congressmen want Citigroup to drop their previously agreed upon $400 million contract for naming rights at “Citi Field”, the new home of the New York Mets. They feel it is inappropriate after Citigroup received $45 billion in bailout money.

But on the other hand, nothing says “failed bailout” like the Mets bullpen.


T.S. Eliot said “April is the cruelest month. But for many American sports fans, February is worse. The Super Bowl is over, March Madness is still a distant fantasy and spring training doesn’t really get into gear until late in the month.

And for most Americans there is a sports quandry – do they ignore the NHL or the NBA?


The movie “Taken” was the big winner at the box office this weekend. Guess most Americans were curious to see how they got a movie made so quickly about the bank bailout.


Stanford’s womens basketball team won their first game ever on Super Bowl Sunday. (Previously they were 0-3) So whatever else happens this season, at least they will avoid the title “The Minnesota Vikings of womens basketball.”

Aretha’s hat..

February 1, 2009

The Smithsonian has apparently asked Aretha Franklin for her inaugural hat. Presumably for the American Museum of Natural History

Apparently new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has almost $6 million in debts from her presidential campaign. With a record like that, maybe it would have been a better match had Obama appointed her Secretary of the Treasury.


When the Illinois Senate impeached Rod Blagojevich, they also barred him from ever holding public office in future. Which was probably unnecessary. Blagojevich has shown no interest in ever moving to Louisiana.

More fallout from Ted Haggard saying he is not gay but a “heterosexual with issues.”

Joe Biden has declared himself to be “taciturn with issues.”

The Detroit Lions a “NFL team with issues.”

And well, former Illinois Governor Blagojevich still maintains his innocence, and says that he doesn’t have issues.

Michael Steele became the first African-American chair of the Republican National Committee. Among those who he beat out, Ken Blackwell, the African-American former Secretary of State for Ohio. This election shocked many rank and file Republicans, mostly because they didn’t know they had two African-Americans left in the party.


Phil Mickelson has spent much of his golf career trying to emulate Tiger Woods. And this weekend he has succeeded, both of them will be free to watch the Super Bowl.

(note to non-golf fans, Mickelson actually missed the cut this weekend, for the first time in his season debut since he turned pro.)

Normally Mickelson doesn’t shoot anywhere near that badly in a tournament until Sunday.

In an ESPN poll, 53 percent of Americans think the Arizona Cardinals, outranked in almost every major category by the Pittsburgh Steelers, will win the Super Bowl. And we wonder how so much of this country is suffering for being economically unrealistic…


Of course, an old white guy from Arizona being the winning Super Bowl quarterback is about as unlikely as a young black guy winning the Presidency.

Heterosexual with issues.

January 31, 2009

Disgraced former minister Ted Haggard said on “Oprah” and he is not gay, he is just “heterosexual with issues.”

In related news, Bill Clinton and John Edwards said they were not cheating husbands, they were just “monogamous with issues.”


And by that standard, our country’s not in a recession. We’re just in a strong economy with issues.


As America’s favorite singing competition heads into it’s eighth year, Fox is also considering a show about George W. Bush during his eight years in office. The working title – “American Idle.”

World Baseball Classic games that are still tied going into the 13th inning, the WBC will use an odd international baseball rule . From that point on innings will start with runners on first and second. This rule apparently was inspired by the Mets bullpen.


This year’s Super Bowl might draw one of the smallest viewing audiences in recent memory. The audience will, however, be boosted by the fact that most Americans can’t afford to go to the movies instead.


You know NBC is worried about the potential appeal of an Arizona – Pittsburgh matchup. In fact, rumor has it they are marketing the game ad time as the pre and post concert show for Bruce Springsteen.


Scary thought of the night – Bruce Springsteen is 12 years older than our President.

Rod, we hardly knew ye…

January 30, 2009

Despite the rough economy, Americans are a resilient lot. Comedy writers, for example, shrugged off the departure of President Bush and vowed to persevere. But now losing Governor Blagojevich. That’s serious.

But for a farewell tour…

Governor Rod Blagojevich asked Illinois state senators how they could throw him out of office when he was “clamoring” and “begging” for a chance to prove his innocence. How? 59-0, that’s how.

Might as well say this now, because who knows when it could change.

As of today, January 30, Illinois’s governor is neither under investigation or indictment.


Barack Obama, in another landmark political move, actually admitted he is rooting for one team over another in the Super Bowl. Our new President is rooting for the Steelers, although he says he admires veteran Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.

Of course, who better than Obama to know not to bet on the old white guy from Arizona?


The U.S. banking bailout may cost a trillion dollars. Wow. A trillion dollars. That’s enough money to outfit Sarah Palin for over a year.


Now that Joe Torre has co-authored a new tell-all book about the Yankees, the team is considering a confidentialty clause in future so that players and staff cannot tarnish the team’s reputation in print.

Instead, they’ll just have to do it on the field.

(Or by dating Madonna.)


In the wake of Joe Torre’s new book, Yankees officials are considering steps to ensure that all future volumes about the team are “positive in tone.” Which means that no one will be allowed to write a book about the Bronx Bombers in the playoffs.

In Rod we trust…

January 29, 2009

Embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich just keeps coming up with more and more rationales and excuses for his behavior. Any day now expect to hear that he is simply trying to be a one-man comedy stimulus program.

Both Super Bowl teams are particularly excited this year about winning and thus getting to meet President Barack Obama. Right now, the Arizona Cardinals are favored to lose by about seven points. Which puts them right on track for a meeting with Senator John McCain.



Despite major losses in the last two elections, and despite the President’s willingness to talk to them, House Republican leaders told their members to vote against any stimulus bill Obama proposed. Isn’t this kind of like the team captains of the Detroit Lions telling fellow players not to pay any attention to the new coach?


The NFL has already sold over 70,000 seat for next October’s game in London between the Patriots and Buccaneers. In the meantime, tough economic conditions in the U.S. have the 49ers and Raiders thinking of sharing a stadium. Have they considered Wembley?


The Oakland Raiders are reputedly hiring Tom Cable as their 2009 head coach, thus removing the “interim” from his title. With all due respect, shouldn’t “interim” be required in any Raiders’ head coach’s title?

That Bush highlight video

January 28, 2009

Apparently on George W. Bush’s flight back to Texas, they played a highlight video of his presidency. Or that was the explanation for the blank screen when the plane’s projector went out.

On the way back to Texas, staff travelling with George W. Bush showed a video of accomplishments from his presidency. For curious Americans, that video will be sold in a boxed set, along with a video of Cubs’ World Series highlights.


A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just based on scenes after the tryouts.

or

A Wisconsin court just ruled that cheerleading is a contact sport. And that was just the mothers at the tryouts.


President Obama has moved swiftly to ban torture. Does this mean Disney will have to close their Small World ride?


Sarah Palin has now created a new political action committee – SarahPac. I don’t know about you…but doesn’t SarahPac sound like something overpriced in the handbag department at Neiman Marcus?


A Stanford law school graduate has pled guilty to tax evasion, Apparently she did not file tax returns for her escort service, which was simply a front for her work as a high-price call girl. Escort services around California now worry that their businesses may get a bad reputation – customers will think they are full of lawyers.

So Citigroup was planning on using some of our bailout money to purchase a new $50 million corporate jet.

Where’s a flock of Canadian Geese when you need them?

The Terrell Owens show…

January 27, 2009

Terrell Owens has announced he will be hosting his own reality show on VH1 this summer. This marks the first time the words “T.O” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.


Washington D.C. is getting back to normal. The Metro is less crowded, streets have reopened, and the only disappointed ticket holders are Wizards fans.


Should we be surprised that Governor Rod Blagojevich thought of offering Obama’s Senate seat to Oprah. He knew she could afford it.

More from the “purple tunnel of doom.”

January 26, 2009

First, in case that reference is too “inside baseball” – the Purple Tunnel of Doom refers to all the thousands inaugural ticket holders who missed the ceremony because they were stuck in endless security lines…some actually IN a tunnel on their way to the gates. Blue ticket holders had the privilege of at least being stuck in the sunshine, albeit the 25 degree sunshine.

Anyway…

Actually, until last week the “Purple Tunnel of Doom” just referred to the tunnel from the locker room to the field used by the Minnesota Vikings in their Super Bowls.


Now that the Bush team has left the White House, get ready for a flood of tell-all books about the adminstration. Especially as in the this case, all the former staffers and potential authors are confident their boss will never read them.

Barack Obama still maintains he will have an open door policy with Republicans. Of course, to maintain some semblance of order, access to that door will be done by a system of purple tickets.


Since President Obama’s inauguration, Oregon State’s usually lowly men’s basketball team, now coached by Barack’s brother-in-law Craig Robinson, is 2-0, with upsets of Cal and Stanford on the road.

When this college basketball season is over, wonder if Barack will send Craig on a humanitarian rescue mission – to the Wizards.


It’s been a rough time recently for Roger Clemens. Not only are the feds convening a grand jury against the former pitcher, but Roger’s performance last year didn’t even get him nominated for an Oscar.

For our Neighbors to the North, a few hockey jokes.

The NHL All-Star game ended in a shoot-out with the East beating the West 12-11. Most Americans found this shocking…the NHL had an All-Star game?

The NHL All-Star game ended with the East winning 12-11. 12-11? Where did they play the game, Coors Field?

(Actually, if there were more 12-11 games, there might be more Americans watching hockey.)