Archive for March 2011

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Shocks and aftershocks.

March 11, 2011

On a serious if snide note – To all Tea Partiers and others who want to slash government spending absolutely to the bone:. How do you feel about cutting the USGS (United States Geological Survey) and FEMA budgets now?

(my sister, a seismologist, points out that if we were in a government shutdown, it would be illegal for any USGS employee to do any work or even talk to the media right now.)

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And back to a semi-lighter note.  The Government of Japan has issued warnings for residents NOT to head to the coast to see the waves. Can we just give anyone who disobeys those orders a Darwin award right now? 

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Think you’re feeling lonely today? Imagine being a Republican union member in Wisconsin.

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House Speaker John Boehner said that the Obama administration is exacerbating rising energy costs. Tough words from a man who isn’t even willing to cut down on his own personal use of electricity with his tanning bed.

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‎30 million votes for the first, relatively trivial, night of American Idol? Maybe the producers can adjust the show so that the final is in the fall – combining it with the general election might actually increase turnout.

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The three officials who missed two major turnovers in the last seconds of the St. John’s-Rutgers game have voluntarily withdrawn from the remainder of the Big East tournament. Well, it’s not like they were doing anything anyway.

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The Dalai Lama says he’s retiring. Responded Brett Favre “The first time is the hardest.”

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Charlie Sheen thinks Rob Lowe would be a good replacement for him on “Two and a Half Men.” On the other hand, Muammar Qaddafi might soon be available.

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David Brooks may have ignited a controversy by saying of Newt Gingrich “I wouldn’t let that guy run a 7-11, let alone the country.”  Brooks has already had a angry demand for an immediate apology, from 7-11.

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AOL announced it will slash 900 jobs worldwide, or nearly 20 percent of its work force. This is shocking news, AOL still HAS a work force?
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Huffington Post usually runs banner headlines on major corporate layoffs. So I’m sure it must be an oversight that they don’t have such a headline on AOL laying off 20 percent of its staff.

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And they said it couldn’t be done. Tonight the Miami Heat had most of America rooting for…the Lakers!?

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Ohio State officials, in a letter to the NCAA, said that they originally considered a stronger punishment for football coach Jim Tressel than just missing the Buckeyes’ first two games. But that might have violated the most important of the school’s rules – “Thou shalt win.”

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Outside the lines:

March 10, 2011

Baylor’s freshman star basketball player Perry Jones was declared ineligible because his mother got (and repaid) three, 15-day loans from an AAU coach when Jones was in high school. So, see, the NCAA can actually enforce their own rules. As long as the team involved is not in the Top 25 or the SEC. (And isn’t the USC Trojans.)

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Stanford’s mens basketball team was bounced from the Pac 10 tournament tonight, 69-67 by Oregon State. At one point in the first half the Cardinal was 3 for 30 from the field. With that kind of shooting skill I presume they got a half time congratulatory call from Dick Cheney.

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Internships.com said Wednesday that 74,040 people have applied to Sheen’s internship position since he posted it Monday. No doubt about 74,039 already are fantasizing about the money they will make from the tell-all book they will write afterwards.

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Lebron James was quoted as saying after Miami’s latest loss “Crazy thing is, we could lose every game and still make the playoffs in the Eastern Conference.” So is that the Heat’s secret plan?

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Illinois has abolished the death penalty. Apparently they feel that just sentencing inmates to life without parole and watching Cubs games is punishment enough.

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Milwaukee Brewers pitcher Zack Greinke will probably begin the season on the disabled list after breaking a rib in a collision going for the ball a pickup basketball game. We all know white men can’t jump. Sounds like they shouldn’t try to rebound either.

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A Missouri high school teacher lost her job after it was discovered she was a porn star over two decades ago.  Yeah, with a scandalous past how was she thinking that she could get away with being a teacher?  Run for office on a GOP family values platform maybe.

Speaking of which, Newt Gingrich is now partly blaming the fact that he cheated on both of his first two wives, (and divorced them when they had cancer and MS respectively)  because he loved his country too much.

 “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

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Kind of makes you wonder what would happen with that “passionate” caring  if Newt had a really stressful job, like being President?

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 To paraphrase Madame Alvarez in the movie “Gigi” – this might be the LEAST “charming and endearing excuse for infidelity I have ever heard”

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No warming trend for these Heat.

March 9, 2011

The Miami Heat lost their FIFTH game in a row tonight, 105-96 to the Portland Traiiblazers.. Even without a punchline, I just like writing it.

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What do you call five Heat losses in a row?  A good start.

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So will the theme song for this year’s Miami team in the NBA playoffs be “The Heat is Gone?”

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Starbucks is celebrating their 40th anniversary. What they are really celebrating these days, however, is that gas prices are making their coffee prices almost look reasonable.

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Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel will be fined $250k and suspended for the first two games of the season for ignoring the fact his players were selling memorabilia. The first two games of the 2011 for the Buckeyes are against Akron and Toledo. So who is this OSU athletic director and when did he transfer from the SEC ?  (Or USC.)

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Buckeyes’ coach Jim Tressel apparently ignored the fact that his star players were selling memorabilia, because he “wanted to keep the team together.” And of course he was following OSU’s version of the honor code: “Beat Michigan.”

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Texas Tech let Bobby Knight’s son Pat go as head coach after three seasons. Unfortunately it turns out he couldn’t hold a chair to his father.

(or as Alex Kaseberg says “The chair didn’t fall far from the tree.”)

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Mike Huckabee says of the controversy around last week’s other incendiary comments  “Well, I can’t be both. I can’t be the dumbest guy in the room and the smartest guy in the room at the same time.”

Uh, Mike, no one is accusing you of the latter.

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Mike Huckabee’s latest defense over his most recent controversy is that he “didn’t bring Natalie Portman up at all,” suggesting that radio host Michael Medved was the one who dragged Portman into the discussion. You have to love it. Huckabee, of course, is running on a platform of personal responsibility.

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Tuesday was Mardi Gras.  Now Mardi Gras translates literally  to “Fat Tuesday.” Which means the day has really transplanted Thanksgiving as the most American of holidays

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for Canadian readers:  (or anyone interested in politics north of the border.)

At least four Canadian government departments have reported that they received a directive late last year that the words “Government of Canada” in federal communications be replaced with “Harper Government.” This is why many Canadians are beginning to believe that God has a Stephen Harper complex.

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Expectant mothers:

March 8, 2011

Rachel Alexandra, the 2009 Horse of the Year, is in foal to two-time Horse of the Year Curlin.  Not sure if she’s formally retired, but this probably does rule out her ever competing again in Utah.

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After the announcement, Mike Huckabee immediately condemned Rachel Alexandra as a bad example to all fillies and mares out there for flaunting her out-of-wedlock condition.

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But really, back to the BYU situation.  If Davies does marry his “baby-mama,” gets reinstated for the NCAA tournament, and then they end up divorced soon after the child is born, well, it could put a whole new spin on “One and Done.”

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A Department of Transportation/Consumer Reports survey says that 63 percent of drivers under 30 admit to using handheld cellphones while driving, and 30 percent say they have sent texts from the road. The other 7 percent were too busy driving, talking on the phone AND texting to answer the survey.

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Many teams love to give out rally rags to fans during the post season. Wonder though when the NBA playoffs start in April, if the Miami Heat will give their fans crying towels.

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According to Yahoo Sports, Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel knew eight months earlier than the school admitted admitting knowing that star players were selling memorabilia. This allegation is serious enough it could get him fired from OSU, but might make Tressel the front runner to succeed Lane Kiffin at USC.

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Donald Trump criticized Republican Senator Lamar Alexander for trying to get free publicity because Alexander not only said Trump had no chance to win the GOP nomination, but added he was “famous for being famous.”   And “the Donald” allegedly said “Hey, get your own platform.”

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When they finally do cancel “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” reality series, can we hope that America will never have to hear the phrase again “in it for the right reasons?”

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The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. So this year the team may be known as the Cub-EEEs.

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According to CNN, Warner Brothers Television says it has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on “Two and a Half Men” effective immediately. Apparently it was cheaper to contract with Amtrak to show actual train wrecks

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from Jim Barach:

Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is reportedly near foreclosure on his Oakland mansion. Apparently even his mortgage payments fell incomplete.

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Tears of a clown?

March 7, 2011

Wonder which P.A. announcer will be the first to play that when the Miami Heat come to town.  (Some Heat players reportedly cried after their loss today to the Chicago Bulls.)

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Four losses in a row for the Miami Heat. Looks like as far as the NBA finals, Lebron might be taking his talents to the ESPN broadcast booth as an analyst.

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And the Heat may not dethrone the Lakers as the NBA champions.  But they have done a solid job of replacing Kobe and company as the most hated team in America.

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A recent Sport Illustrated study found that out of 2837 players on last year’s preseason top 25 college football teams, 204 had criminal records. Besides the obvious public relations issues, for the NFL, don’t all these arrests jeopardize these young men’s amateur status?

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One thing about all these conference championship games. :  Should you really be able to raise the banner next year when all your one-and-done stars aren’t around to see it?

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The new fantasy romance “Beauty” grossed over $10 million this weekend, with an audience that was 78 percent female.    Of the remaining 22 percent, wonder if even 78 total tickets were sold to straight men?

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Costco has started selling wedding dresses at a steep discount.   Presumably in multi-packs that are selling exceptionally well in Utah.

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And Larry King heard this and immediately emailed Costco management to say -“What took you so long?”

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Ah billionaires. At a sports conference someome asked new Warriors owner Joe Lacob a question about bloggers. To which he allegedly answered “They are not real fans, because they don’t have season tickets.” Surprised he didn’t add a criticism about the cake he assumes they are eating too.

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John McCain said Sunday that iPads and iPhones are “built in the United States of America.” And up in Alaska Sarah Palin reportedly chortled “Hah, this time I’m not the stupid one. But quick, someone tell me where they do build the darned things.”

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Best wishes (seriously) to Phil Collins, who is quitting the music business to focus on his health.

On a less serious note, countless music fans are sending their own wishes to Celine Dion, saying “Congratulations. Now don’t you want to enjoy some time off to take care of your twin babies?”

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Sports without borders:

March 5, 2011

The Toronto Raptors were swept by the New Jersey Nets in London this weekend, – Which means the Raptors can now potentially lay claim to a new title – the worst NBA team in three countries AND two continents.

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On Saturday, The Texas Nationalist Movement marked Texas Independence Day with a rally at the Capitol urging Texans to secede from the United States. Finally, an idea that both Californians and Texans can agree upon.

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If Texas secedes, how long until New Mexico, Oklahoma,  Arkansas and Louisiana put up border fences?

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The San Antonio Spurs crushed the Heat last night 125-95. Maybe it’s time to start referring to Lebron and company as the Miami Not-So-Hot.

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Britney Spears is the latest to say now that she has “nothing to say” about her past. Wonder if she, Cam Newton and others have ever heard that line about “Those who cannot remember the past….?”

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Mitt Romney is now decrying Obamacare when the plan is very similar to what Romney himself did in Massachusetts. Well, at least this proves one thing – the Republican “Do as I say not as I do” mantra doesn’t just apply to morality and sex.

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In the does this really need a punchline department, this quote from Sarah Palin:

“See because our president is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes.”

(a punchline, no, a translator, possibly.)

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We are now one week from NCAA  basketball’s “Selection Sunday.”    Translation, there are five productive working days left  in the month of March.

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Inspired by a comment from Augie:  There’s a new way to describe being hot and/or nervous this year.

“Sweating like Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Kristie Alley’s DWTS partner), waiting to find out if the week’s routine involves lifts.

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Post Friday follies.

March 5, 2011

Keith Richard’s 25 year old daughter, Theodora, was  arrested by New York  police for allegedly scrawling graffiti on the wall of a Catholic nunner.  Theodora also allegedly was in possession of marijuana and illegal painkillers.  Well, looks like the apple hasn’t staggered far from the tree.

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If the NFL and the players association keep extending their deadline maybe they can extend it all the way through next season?

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Who knew that all it might take to cure the Cavaliers would be playing the Lakers and the Knicks?

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There are rumors Barry Zito’s job is in jeopardy for the San Francisco Giants. As despite the $126 million the team is paying him, Zito couldn’t get that ONE big win last fall. Well, if the Giants release him rumor has it Barry’s been offered a job as the next campaign manager for Meg Whitman.

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Friday was is “National Grammar Day.” And Sarah Palin heard this and responded “Yeah, but let’s not forget Grammpa.”

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Mike Huckabee is now denying criticizing Natalie Portman, although he is on record as calling her pregnancy “troubling” and suggested it might “glorify and glamorize” the idea of having children outside of marriage. Apparently the Creationist not only doesn’t believe in science, he’s not too up on the concept of radio replay either.

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A $425 million NASA rocket fell into the ocean after liftoff this morning, and may not be recoverable. It was the fastest most expensive crash landing since Charlie Sheen’s.

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Friday was also the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s first inaugural speech. While not his most famous, attendees reported the speech was excellent. In fact, it inspired a young John McCain to go into politics

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Conservatives seem endlessly focused on possible foreign influences on President Obama’s upbringing. But why don’t any of them want to discuss, that as far as influences ago, as a scholarship student at  the private Punahou School in Hawaii, a young Barack spent most of this time amongst the most privileged and upper-class young people in Hawaii.   

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Speaker of the House Speaker John Boehner said Friday the House may go to court to defend the federal law against gay marriage. Wait a minute, what happened to abortion being the most important issue facing this country? Or healthcare? Or heaven forbid, the economy?

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Shortly after coaching Lipan High school’s women’s basketball team to a regional semifinal victory last Friday, Amber Branson gave birth to daughter Leslie—-and about 15 hours later, she was back on the bench guiding the Lady Indians to another win.So, unlike the NFL and the Players Union, nice to know someone can overcome labor difficulties”

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Dancing around reality?

March 4, 2011

 Mike Huckabee slammed Natalie Portman for her ‘troubling” pregnancy, saying “I think it gives a distorted image. It’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children.” Apparently single mothers should avoid the Oscars and stay on “Dancing with the Stars” where they belong.

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And let’s be real here –  Would Huckabee have preferred Portman had an abortion? 

The  real crime apparently, was her decision to have sex.

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Just a thought: If BYU player Brandon Davies marries his pregnant girlfriend before March Madness, does he get reinstated for the tournament?

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The investigation into former U.S. Senator John Edwards’ affair with Rielle Hunter has apparently found voicemails that allegedly provide evidence of his involvement in the cover-up effort. Jeez. Some thought we might be getting another President Kennedy, now it looks like we also could have had another President Nixon.

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The Chicago Cubs may have set a record for the fastest clubhouse brawl, as two players got into it only four days after the start of Spring Training games. Even more surprising, Carlos Zambrano was not involved.

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More than 50,000 2009-10 model year Mazda 6 cars are being recalled to fix an unusual problem. Mazda says a spider could weave a web in a vent connected to the fuel tank system and thus clog up the tank’s ventilation. In related news, PETA is protesting Mazda’s destruction of spider habitats.

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Brandon Davies, suspended from the BYU basketball team, had signed the school’s honor code that required players to live “a chaste and virtuous life, be honest, abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea and coffee.” So does BYU have honor code police stationed at Starbucks?

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Donald Trump is considering a run for President. But he may have a big problem right from the start: That furry thing that lives on his head was definitely not born in the USA.

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For the second time this year,  the Miami Heat have blown more than a 20 point lead at home,  losing tonight to the Orlando Magic 99-96.

“What a shame” said absolutely no one outside of South Florida.

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From T.C.  :

Detroit Tigers Miguel Cabrera officially got his first hit at spring training. It was a line shot double. Unofficially, his first shot here was actually a triple

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Herding cats.

March 3, 2011

 Tea  Party founder Judson Phillips is already saying that the party should make it a goal to defeat Speaker of the House John Boehner in the Republican primary, because Boehner is “only” calling for $61 billion in spending cuts, instead of the promised $100 billion. 

And somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is reading this story and giggling.

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Actually, if Pelosi and Boehner end up agreeing on anything after their terms are up, it will be that after dealing with members of their own parties, herding cats will seem like a nice retirement option.

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BYU star sophomore Brandon Davies was suspended from the basketball team indefnitely for getting his girlfriend pregnant. Well, that should silence all the doubters who wondered if Davies was NBA ready.

(Although as a friend pointed out, had he just married the gal in high school, no one would care how many kids he had.)

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Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira has ended his relationship with longtime agent Scott Boras. So Teixeira clearly feels there are more important things in life than money. No word on when Yankees management plans to schedule him for a mental health test.

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How bad is it getting for Charlie Sheen? A Los Angeles judge ordered late Tuesday that the actor’s twin nearly two-year old boys be removed from his Los Angeles home. Apparently the judge felt they needed to be with a more responsible adult, like Britney Spears.

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As the Republican party rushes headlong to the extreme right, it’s becoming increasing clear that even George Bush, Sr, couldn’t get the GOP presidential nomination these days… Scary.

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Not to say Dancing with the Stars was scraping the bottom of the barrel for this season – but some of these “Stars” almost make Bristol Palin look accomplished.

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 A bill passed in Texas would mean anyone who “intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly” hires an illegal immigrant could face up to 2 years in jail and a $10,000 fine. With one exception – anyone hiring for such an immigrant for  “labor or other work to be performed exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence.”

 Translation, y’all don’t expect us to mow our own lawns, clean our own homes or raise our own kids, do y’all?”

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From new commenter  P. Coberly

Toyota is claiming that 80% of their vehicles sold in the last 20 years are still on the road. Do you think that would be the case if their accelerators were not stuck?

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Chronic losers.

March 2, 2011

The Cubs have announced a search is on for the next public address announcer at Wrigley Field. The job has all kinds of great benefits. Including, of course, having every October off.

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Some analysts say the NFL owners could survive up to a two-year lockout. But what about the fabric of American society? This could mean two years of fall Sundays where spouses would actually have to talk to each other.

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Troy Murphy goes to the Celtics, Carmelo is with the Knicks, Bibby is heading to the Heat. This might be a high, or low, point for the most front page sports stories about the rich getting richer. Well, at least without the Yankees being involved. 

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Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding.  Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England’s most famous queen?

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The Golden State Warrors’ slim NBA playoff hopes seem to be slipping away. On the other hand, they might be playing well enough to receive an N.I.T invitation.

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Celine Dion’s bodguard  Nikolaos Skokos, has been trying to get “Permanent resident” status in the U.S., based on his “superior” skills as a security consultant.   So far, the government has rejected his application.  But maybe we should make a deal, Skokos can stay, if he convinces his client to go back to Canada.

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Charlie Sheen said in an interview this week that “you can’t process me with a normal brain.” This might be the only time all year that “Charlie Sheen” and “normal” appear in the same sentence.

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The #3 ranked NCAA men’s basketball BYU Cougars dismissed star forward Brandon Davies from the team, citing a violation of the school’s honor code. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often for players at top 10 basketball schools; violating the honor code generally means actual classes are involved.

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The NBA Nets, now owned by a Russian, with 2 games planned in London, say they want to become “the face of the league” outside the U.S. “Our goal is to globalize our business, to project ourselves in a global fashion,” said Nets CEO Brett Yormark. So we’re about to find out -in how many languages can fans yell “You suck?”

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What is it with the GOP and geography? Mike Huckabee is questioning the President’s foreign policy because of his “having grown up in Kenya.” When asked, Huckabee’s PAC director Hogan Gidley said Mike had MEANT to reference Obama’s living in Indonesia from ages 5-10. Kenya, Indonesia, what’s the difference?

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Charlie Sheen is now on Twitter and amassed over 150,000 followers in two hours. Is this a sign of the apochalypse, or just that despite our busy lives, Americans still have WAY too much time on our hands?

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Actually, at this point isn’t “Charlie Sheen joke” redundant?

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U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice said that Qaddafi “sounds, just frankly, delusional,” and is “unfit to lead.” Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

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(and of course, no truth to the rumor that Qaddafi has been offered a starring role in “Two and a Half Men.”

From Nick Coombs:

Embattled Bangals QB Carson Palmer announced today that he has, “money in the bank” and would “play for the love of the game” as long as its elsewhere. Glad to hear he saved all the money he earned playing at USC.

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Reality and unreality.

March 1, 2011

Kirstie Alley will be on this year’s Dancing with the Stars. Hope someone has alerted the USGS; if they do step dancing it could register on the Richter Scale.

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Okay, admittedly I watch “the Bachelor” as a guilty pleasure.  But with this South Africa episode, anyone else rooting for a little wild animal attack?

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Charlie Sheen’s publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don’t need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news.

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I’ll say one thing for Charlie Sheen. He seems to have bumped Lindsay Lohan off the front page.

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Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because they say the London 2012 logo resembles the word “Zion.” Really? With all due respect, the logo barely even resembles the numbers 2012.

Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas,  called “the most dangerous city in America” when speaking with reporters on Monday.

He was immediately defended by Sarah Palin , who said, well, give the guy a break, maybe he can’t see Juarez from his house.

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Congratulations to “the King’s Speech” for winning Best Picture. Wonder how many Academy voters in the U.S. chose it because they loved the fantasy of a leader’s inarticulate son somehow miraculously growing into a true leader himself upon assuming office?

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The general consensus is that the Oscars’ “youth movement” attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. Maybe next time the Academy wants to appeal to younger viewers they should have Pixar work something up with Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

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If the Academy Awards really wanted the “must-see television” label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available.

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All too familiar sign of spring in San Francisco, the following headline about today’s Giants spring training game in Arizona: “Barry Zito was not sharp.”

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Earl Boykins,  34 years old and 5’5″ ,  has proved the doubters wrong for years, and is still playing for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks.  Now, his alma mater, Eastern Michigan University, is retiring his jersey.

As part of the celebration, EMU will make a  full-sized jersey replica available as a gift for baby showers.

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Taco Bell is rolling out a new ad campaign saying that their taco filling is 88 percent beef and 12 percent “signature recipe seasoning and other ingredients.” Now the fun begins – what are those “other ingredients? (To be fair, they might be healthier than the beef.)

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from my friend Jim Barach:
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only.  They are for guys who can’t get into college on an athletic scholarship.

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