Posted tagged ‘Meg Whitman jokes’

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“Northern Overexposure,” renewed for another season.

July 30, 2010

So the “Northern Overexposure” show continues. Soon after the announcement that Bristol Palin is re-engaged to her ex-fiance, and father of her child, Levi Johnston, is facing a paternity test from an ex-girlfriend. Apparently the two reconnected during the time Bristol and Levi were not seeing each other.

The young woman says she “thinks” Levi is the father, but is “extremely embarrassed” because she doesn’t know.

Apparently there are at least three potential dads here. Who knew Levi and Bristol’s potential reality show might be an Alaskan remake of “Mama Mia.”

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And okay, what kind of idiot gets a girl accidentally pregnant, and then doesn’t use condoms? (I never knew Levi had NBA aspirations.)

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A friend posted this quote today. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” — Robert Wilensky, 1996

On the other hand, they do a good job of reproducing the collective tweets of Sarah Palin.

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Poor ESPN. What are they to do? For a lead story on every edition of Sportscenter they won’t be able to decide between updates on A-Rod being stuck on 599 home runs, and Stephen Strasburg disabled list updates….

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Regarding President Obama’s appearance on “the View,” give the guy a little credit for being aware of popular culture. They asked former President George W. Bush what he thought of the View and he replied “I liked the one of the Rose Garden best.”

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Terrell Owens apparently arrived too late and missed his flight to Cincinnati last night. Well, T.O. may or may not still be able to get past NFL safeties, but clearly he’s no match for Delta gate agents.

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An investigation has shown that as many as 6600 graves at Arlington National Cemetery may have been unmarked or mismarked. So apparently they should have been referring to the Tombs of the Unknown Soldiers.

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Federal agents in Fresno say they have arrested 100 people in an operation which netted over $1.7 billion worth of pot in Central California. In related news, sales of Doritos in the Fresno area have fallen 50 percent.

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Buck Showalter was hired today as manager of the Orioles. Well, at least he won’t have to worry about any more criticism for managing badly during the playoffs.

(while Showalter has done well with teams in the past, none of them have won the World Series, and two won it the year AFTER he left.)
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Meg Whitman has said if elected she will run California like she ran Ebay. For starters, instead of an expensive re-election campaign, she’ll just implement a “Buy-it-Now” button.

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According to a recent poll, apparently Meg Whitman’s expensive commercials are largely being tuned out by California voters. Well, if this governor thing doesn’t work out, she may have a job waiting for her as director of programming for NBC.

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And the hype goes on…

July 8, 2010

Spain-Germany. 90 minutes with one goal scored. And millions of Americans who complained that wasn’t enough action to justify watching the match will nonetheless turn into tomorrow’s 60 minute Lebron decision show.

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Lebron James denies that all of the hype about his free-agency choice is all about his ego and need for attention. In fact, after his 60 minute show which airs today on ESPN, he plans to do a followup show explaining how he came to the decision.

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The funny thing, Americans are paying more attention to all this free agent hype than they do to the NBA regular season. And to be fair, as far as next year’s playoffs, all this free agent hype might be more relevant than the regular season.

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from reader T.C. in Canada – If LeBron wants to play on a half decent team that never loses, he’ll sign with the Globetrotters.

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Although for all those who think that America must lead the world in caring about meaningless celebrity hype…. I give you the three most viewed stories today from England’s “Guardian” newspaper. Numbers one and two, the two World Cup semifinals. Story number three – Lindsay Lohan going to jail.

(and George Michael, who crashed his car again, has to be thinking, what am I, chopped liver?)

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Meanwhile, on the other side of the NBA tracks. Ekpe Udoh, the Golden State Warriors’ No. 1 draft pick, is already going to miss the NBA Summer League after injuring his wrist in practice. Well, on the bright side, Warriors fans don’t have to hold their breath anymore wondering what was going to go wrong THIS time.

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So far, the Bulls have signed Carlos Boozer, the Thunder have re-signed Kevin Durant, and the Heat have signed Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. Meanwhile the Clippers have signed a new hot-dog vendor.

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So Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal just signed a bill that allows people to bring guns into church. Well, one phrase that may not be heard anymore in the state – “If this sermon goes on much longer, just shoot me.”

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So Meg Whitman is now running ads in Spanish saying she is opposed to Prop 187 and the new Arizona immigration law. I’m confused. Is she running against Jerry Brown, or the candidate she was in the Republican primary?

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Joe Biden is coming to California to fundraise for Barbara Boxer. And over at Carly Fiorina’s headquarters, staffers are working overtime to make sure they keep their candidate away from a microphone when she sees HIS hair.

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It’s over….

June 18, 2010

But how bad did the Lakers and Celtics look on offense in the NBA championship game Thursday? Soccer fans who tuned in because there was no competing World Cup match said “How do you Americans watch this game? So much running around and no scoring.”

Heck, Phil (75) and Tiger (74) at Pebble almost outscored the Celtics.

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In Los Angeles, there was some rioting in the streets after the game seven victory. Fans were hoping, however, that the police would give them a break. After all, the Lakers haven’t won a championship in 12 whole months.

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And now that the NBA finals are over, you know what that means? It’s almost time to be thinking about next year’s preseason.

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The Kansas City Royals with their refurbished stadium were awarded the 2012 Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Well, this is one reason actually to like the fact that the game determines home field advantage in the World Series. It will give Royals fans their first glimpse in in decades of a meaningful game in July.

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Gonzalo Higuain scored a hat trick in Argentina’s 4-1 win over South Korea. 3 goals in one game? That’s amazing by most team standards. Heck, by both teams combined standards.

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Mexico 2 – France 0 – Theme song of the day “When Irish Eyes are Smiling.”

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Congrats to the Greeks for their first World Cup win. Actually, so nice to hear the word “Greece” on the radio and have it have nothing to do with the stuff covering Gulf coast beaches

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Will $20 billion be enough to clean up the Gulf? At this point Meg Whitman is just hoping it might be enough to buy the California governorship.

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Tony Hayward’s number one defense in from of Congress Thursday seemed to be that as BP’s CEO he was “out of the loop” and knew nothing of any problems. Well, that might help explain why former HP CEO and current California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina is defending the oil industry.

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In the “if you care about this you probably really need a life department,” there are now rumors that Kate Gosselin has had breast implants. For many viewers, the first clue was the show’ s new title “Kate plus 2”

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Unfortunate headlnes paired up tonight:

USA executes man by firing squad.

and

Congress takes shots at BP CEO Tony Hayward.

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Illinois Senate candidate Mark Kirk, already under fire for “embellishing” his military record, may also have been less than truthful about his teaching experience. Actually, sounds to me like he might be practicing for the Senate.
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Utah officially accepted an invitation to be the 12th team in the Pac 10. Guess the Oakland Raiders turned the offer down too?

One from Bill Littlejohn that I wish I had written…on the subject of the Pac 10, 11, 16, 12, whatever..and on coming up with some way to assimilate Utah(?!) into the Conference “Solution: change their name to the University of California at Salt Lake City.

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Blackhawks not down

June 10, 2010

Okay for one day hockey gets top billing…

The Stanley Cup championship finally wrapped up Wednesday night. But for hockey fans going through withdrawal, it’s less than three months from the opening of the 2010-11 preseason.

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Congratulations to the Chicago Blackhawks, winners of the Stanley Cup. To all those who don’t follow hockey, the term “Original Six,” does not refer to their number of fans.

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The last time the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup was 49 years ago, and in fact they had the record for the longest drought. Said a Toronto Maple Leafs spokesman “We’ll be able to top that.”

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Apparently after an NCAA investigation, USC’s football team will not only lose scholarships, but also be punished by the NCAA by being banned from bowl games for the next two years. Which will at least give their players more time not to go to class.

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Some schools would worry that with bowl probation, a number of their stars might jump to the NFL early. Not at USC. Most players don’t want to take the pay cut.

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Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was considered a Heisman candidate. But he was suspended for the 2010 season for his involvement in a campus burglary. And today the team dismissed him permanently after Masoli was cited for marijuana possession and driving infractions. Even JaMarcus Russell says “What an idiot.”

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The 2010 MLB draft is complete. So congratulations to the players selected. And good luck to all these young men as they work their way through the minors, where someday if they work hard and succeed, they can hope someday to sign free-agent contracts with the Yankees.

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And back in California:

Voters in Santa Clara, a town about 50 miles south of San Francisco, approved a new stadium plan that could allow the 49ers to move there. SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, once a gubernatorial candidate, now the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor, said that the team was “turning their backs on San Francisco.” And he added, “Hey, that’s MY job.”

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So it’s day one of the general election, and already Carly Fiorina was caught when she didn’t realize the mike was on, making a catty comment about Barbara Boxer’s hair being “so yesterday.” Yo, Carly, if good hair was a qualification for public office, we’d have elected President John Edwards.

(And since one catty comment deserves another, it’s a really good thing on several levels that Carly isn’t running against Dianne Feinstein.)

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Meg Whitman wants us to believe she would be a responsible spender in Sacramento? Included in the $100 million or so she spent to win the primary were radio ads she purchased touting her conservative credentials on San Francisco’s KFOG.

(for anyone not familar with KFOG, suffice it to say that most of the stations listeners probably think Jerry Brown is too conservative. Although they do like the fact that he once dated Linda Ronstadt.)

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Odd side note to the gubernatorial primary – Meg Whitman spent $80 per vote in the election, and at her victory party in Unversal City, it was a cash bar.

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Losses and other Imperfections

June 7, 2010

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

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John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

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The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

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But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

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The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

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But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

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This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

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Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

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And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

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BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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Double trouble?

May 21, 2010

KFC originally envisioned the “Double Down” as a temporary promotion. But the fast food chain said the sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken for a bun has become so popular that they will keep selling it indefinitely. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum, no one ever went broke underestimating the taste for greasy, fattening foods of the American public.

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Tesla Motors and Toyota have announced a partnership to build electric cars in California. Does this mean Tesla will change their motto to “Ain’t no stopping us now?”

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Bizarre travel thought of the day. You cannot use cash to buy a beer onboard most airlines these days, but you can use cash to buy a one way ticket to Pakistan.

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Despite spending $68 million of her own money in the California GOP gubernatorial primary (so far), Meg Whitman has seen her 50 point lead in the polls over Steve Poizner drop to single digits. The former Ebay executive is particularly frustrated that the election didn’t just have a “Buy-it-now” button.

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You have to love it though, Poizner has spent $28 million of his own money. And he is getting traction out of accusing Whitman, who has spent $60 million of her own money, of buying the election.

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And this is all just to run as the GOP candidate for governor of a state in the midst of a huge budget crisis with no apparent way out. Haven’t seen rich people waste so much money on winning such a dubious prize since the last America’s Cup.

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Latest quote from Richard Blumenthal. “I wore the uniform” during Vietnam. Is he now saying he worked at McDonalds?

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At this point Blumenthal may own the distinction of being the U.S. politician who has most embarrassed himself while still keeping his pants zipped.

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Paul McCartney is playing at San Francisco’s A T and T Park in July. Not to say Sir Paul is getting old, but the Giants tried to sign him to play the outfield.

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Kevin Costner has funded a science team that has developed an “oil extracter.” And BP may be able to use the device to clean up their spill in the Gulf. Well, who better to be an expert on toxic messes than the man who made “Waterworld?”

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From Bill Littlejohn – Brett Favre told the Southern Mississippi University baseball team that if they make it to the College World Series, he’ll play for one more year. If they don’t make it to the World Series, he’ll play two more. Or maybe three, or maybe two…

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NBA playoff thrillers and other fantasies…

May 20, 2010

Not to say these NBA playoff games have largely been lopsided and uninteresting, but there was a heck of a lot more drama in the draft ping-pong balls.

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The NBA teases fans all year with the promise that despite often lackluster and disappointing regular season performances, that more exciting things are to come when the post season arrives. And then when the post season starts out equally disappointing, that the NEXT round will be better. Who’s sponsoring this league anyway? Microsoft?

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So the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Suns 124-112 to go up 2-0 in their NBA Western Conference Finals. But the Suns have a strategy for when game three returns to Phoenix. They’ll just tell local police that Kobe Bryant was really born in Kenya.

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Looks like the Orlando Magic will last in the playoffs about as long as a $20 bill lasts at Disney World.

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Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit, with a speaking fee of up to $30,000 per appearance. Her topic? “How being an unwed mother can keep you from having a profitable career.”

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PETA is paying Nayda Suleman to have a plastic sign in her front lawm that reads: “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” – The organization also is offering Suleman a free month’s supply of veggie dogs and burgers, and has offered to pay for spaying HER.

Recent polls show a tightening race in the California gubernatorial primary. Which some pundits say could mean more mudslinging. More mud? As anyone who watches television in California will tell you, isn’t that at this point like BP spilling more oil.

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The inventor of the ATM machine, John Shepherd-Barron, just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public, however, for non-members of his church, your regular place of worship may charge you for attending.
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Meg Whitman’s 50-point lead over Steve Poizner now apparently has dwindled to single digits. Despite the millions Whitman has poured into the race already. Unfortunately for the former CEO of EBAY, this election didn’t have a “Buy It Now” button.
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BP apparently told federal regulators that they could handle an oil spill 50 times the size of the one they are currently trying to deal with now. Isn’t it time to change the company name to “Barely Plausible”

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Whats the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks? At this point, looks like about a week.
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A record that will never be broken. Forget DiMaggio’s hitting streak, how about Cy Young’s total victories – 511. To put that in perspective. 511 is more than the Royals had in the past eight full SEASONS. And actually counting what they have so far in 2010, the 8 1/4 year total is 490..

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Top ten reasons Meg Whitman didn’t vote in the past.

September 29, 2009

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has admitted to at best infrequent voting in the past. In fact, she didn’t register as a Republican until 2007. According to the Sacramento Bee, who reviewed her voting record, she not only didn’t regularly vote in six states, she didn’t even register in most of them.

Her most recent excuse, after pointing out that Sonny Bono didn’t vote regularly before he was elected, is that she was busy with her career, her husband’s career, and her family.

Just for the heck of it, here’s ten more possible reasons:

(And before anyone puts this down to commie pinko tendencies….you haven’t read my Gavin Newsom and Jerry Brown jokes.)

10. The dog ate my absentee ballot.

9. Moved so often I forget what state I was in.

8. Election day fell on the same day the Ebay auction closed for Governor Sarah Palin’s jet.

7. Same as Steve Martin with his taxes – “I FORGOT.”

6. Too involved with business classes in school to have read about the 19th amendment.

5. Voting? Wasn’t that covered under leaving Ebay feedback?

4. Too busy working on perfecting my Sonny Bono lookalike haircut.

3. As Ebay’s Supreme Ruler didn’t have time for a meaningless democracy (contributed by Jerry Perisho)

2. Wanted to appeal to all those other Californians who never vote in elections. Oops.

And of course the true number one reason:

1. Never thought I would run for Governor.

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