Posted tagged ‘Newt Gingrich jokes’

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By the numbers.

September 13, 2014

Virginia Tech, who upset Ohio State last week, today lost to Eastern Carolina. Just thinking if you are a Big Ten fan, might be safe to make vacation plans during the BCS playoffs.

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In tonight’s UCLA-Texas football game, UCLA won the coin toss, and elected to defer. But then Texas chose to kick off. So the Bruins got the ball to start BOTH halves. Texas edukation at its finest.

To be fair, maybe the Longhorns wanted to receive in the third half?

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Just to put things in perspective, BC, with a 37 to 31 win tonight over USC, was inside the Trojan 35 yard line 7 times. 2 times LESS than Stanford last week.

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Unlike Stanford, Boston College decided not to use the 30 yard line to go into their prevent offense.

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Although today, Army was shut out by ‪#‎Stanford‬ 35 to 0.   Clearly this is Commander in Chief Obama’s fault.

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More “stuff” you cannot make up. Newt Gingrich has now signed the “Family Leader” group’s “Marriage Vow,” which includes a “pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” So Newt will not cheat on Calista, the third wife he cheated with when he was married to his second wife, with whom he cheated with on this first wife….

 

Dan Snyder said of Roger Goodell- “We are fortunate to have him as our Commissioner. The entire Washington Redskins organization strongly endorses his efforts…” Well, yeah, no sh*t. With Goodell lately, the Redskins name drama has been knocked completely off the front page.

 

 

Some statements don’t even need a punchline: This advice to Ray Rice “To Ray, or anybody else… It’s all about how you control yourself.” From Chris Brown.

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Taylor Swift is now saying “I didn’t really love any of my exes’ So how long until she turns that sentiment into a song?

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New MLB slogan: When we suspend players, it’s because they only illegally hit baseballs.

 

So police were called to that brawl involving the Palins, and the family was asked to leave. No arrests have been made but the investigation is ongoing as apparently it was a “verbal and physical altercation” Guess it’s not just the President Sarah means when she says “Charge in, strike hard, get out. Win.”

 

 

 

The average space between airline seats in 1990 was about 34-36 inches, now it’s more like 30-32. Well, it’s a good thing that Americans are getting smaller too…. Oops, never mind.

 

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Police detained a man on a Southwest plane in Seattle because on 9/11 other passengers noticed he was using names for his wi-fi hot spot like “Southwest – Bomb on Board.” and “The Bomb is on this Seat.” Then something about the flight attendant being hot. No word on charges, but figure they should include felony stupidity.

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Banana Republic and other states.

January 28, 2012

A Mitt Romney Florida television ad talks about Reagan and Gingrich. “Newt Gingrich uses Ronald Reagan’s name 50 times. Ronald Reagan mentioned Newt Gingrich once.” Not quite sure the point but is it just possible Reagan didn’t remember Gingrich’s name? Or anybody else’s?

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Herman Cain today said he endorsed Newt Gingrich: “he is not afraid of bold ideas and I also know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder. I know what this sausage grinder is all about.” Uh, was Cain endorsing a candidate or promoting pizza?

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Newt Gingrich vowed Saturday to stay in the race for the GOP presidential nomination until the Republican National Convention this summer no matter what happens in Florida on Tuesday.

Wonder how much of his statement might have been prompted by a large donation from the Committee to Re-Elect President Obama.

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Alec Baldwin told CNN’s Piers Morgan, “I do want to run for office one day.” Okay, count me in for those who might actually pay to watch Baldwin vs. Newt Gingrich.

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Apparently sales of Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” have gone up 490 percent since President Obama sang a line from the song at a fundraiser. Hmm. Maybe Obama should sing part of a new song every appearance for an economic stimulus for the music industry.

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49ers rookie star Aldon Smith was arrested for DUI and booked into a Miami Beach jail at 932am. (Yes, 932am!) At 100am he had tweeted “Does anybody sleep #Miami?” Shame someone didn’t answer “maybe you should be.”

(My friend Daniel responded “Followed by tweet. “Kyle Williams was my designated driver, but he dropped his keys” #guessI’lldrive #somethingsneverchange #easytarget.”

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After the Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead Thursday against the Celtics and lost 91-83, some die-hard fans said “It could be worse.” Friday night the Magic lost to the 3-15 New Orleans Hornets 93-67. Yeah, it just got worse.

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Meanwhile, the woeful Washington Wizards won their first road game of the season tonight against the Charlotte Bobcats. Thereby postponing at least briefly their team name change to the Washington Generals.

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Apparently Jerry Sandusky is asking a judge to modify the terms of his bail so he can see his grandchildren. I believe the appropriate action is “Just Say No.”

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Fantasyland?

January 26, 2012

While campaigning in Florida, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Barack Obama’s SOTU address was “detached from reality.” Only in America can a man who makes $10,000 bets in a debate, and talks about being unemployed while making $21 million a year, accuse someone else about being “detached from reality.”

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In Florida, Newt Gingrich said today that as President he would make sure the U.S. has a permanent moon base by the end of his second term. What’s more of a pipe dream? A base on the moon? Or a Gingrich second term?

(Alex Schubert says “a Gingrich first term?”)

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Frank McCourt has indicated he has already received over 20 bids, many of them with multiple potential investors, for the Los Angeles Dodgers. At this point the team may have more potential buyers than they have fans in the stands after the 7th inning.

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In a January 14 conversation with a friend wiretapped by Italian authorities, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino says, “I don’t ever want to go back on ship.” I think that can be arranged.

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Costa Captain Schettino’s wife apparently is standing by her man and defending him in an interview she gave to the magazine “Paris Match.” Sounds like someone got the number of Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.

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Terrell Owens said in a GQ interview that he’s nearly broke and “in Hell.” And the worst thing – there’s no quarterback he can currently blame it on.

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One thing that bothers many Americans about Mitt Romney’s tax returns is with the investment income he is now making all that money while currently doing nothing productive. Sort of like Barry Zito.

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Tim Lincecum signed with the SF Giants for $40.50 million for two years. Which means two years from now the Giants will either be idiots for not having locked him up longer, or brilliant for not getting into another Zito-like contract.

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Michele Bachmann announced today she will seek re-election to the House. And it was Jon Stewart’s turn to Tebow.

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Newt Gingrich told an interviewer for the Christian Broadcasting Network that Evangelicals like him because his affairs make him “more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect.” And Bill Clinton said “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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In his response to the State of the Union, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels complained about Obama’s wasteful spending. Guess he feels the President hasn’t done enough to reverse the deficit explosion from George W.’s administration, when Bush’s budget director was… Mitch Daniels.

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A South Carolina close call?

January 22, 2012

Which sank quicker this week – the Costa Concordia, or Mitt Romney’s Presidential hopes?

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How angry was Mitt Romney after tonight’s loss? Rumor has it he went home and actually thought about kicking the dog strapped to the roof of his car.

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Sarah Palin now says Newt Gingrich is the new Republican “front-runner.” Is she angling for another spot on the ticket? Democrats are Tebowing at the idea.

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No wonder Herman Cain had to drop out of the Presidential race. He didn’t marry enough of the women he had affairs with….

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Mitt Romney is now calling on Newt Gingrich today to release those Freddie Mac reports he wrote for $1.6 million in consulting fees. This millionaire on multi-millionaire class warfare is really getting out of hand.

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The question of the night in South Carolina. Who looks more lifelike? Mitt Romney or Callista Gingrich?

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A couple headlines this morning screamed “Newt on fire.” And all I can think was “Did one of his ex-wives set it?
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The NBA admitted today that officials made a mistake Friday in not calling a kicked-ball violation that resulted in the Warriors’ losing’ 94-91 loss to the Pacers. Bummer, this could mean Golden State ends up only winning 12 instead of 13 games this year.

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All kinds of rumors about the death or near-death of Joe Paterno. Not excusing the coach’s behavior in the Sandusky affair, but will say that of all the scumbags at Penn State, Joe-Pa actually had some history of good behavior on his side.
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The real winner of the South Carolina GOP primary tonight? Just might be Barack Obama.

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Syracuse star Fab Melo didn’t travel with the team to Notre Dame. According to ESPN it was because of an “unresolved academic issue from the fall semester.” When asked which class caused the issue, wonder if Melo responded “Class?”

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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept for the day: Keith Ablow, a psychiatrist working for Fox News, said that Newt’s affairs might make him a better president, saying three women wanting to marry him was proof of his appeal, and that “Gingrich’s way of telling his wives the ‘incredibly painful truths’ that he no longer loved them and was leaving them for other women could mean that he would be equally, brutally direct with America about whatever issues he had with the entire country.”

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Gary M’s comment about the young blonde dancer who was seen dining and drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank, and her “denying rumors they were romantically involved…”

“He merely tripped and fell on top of her. Repeatedly.”

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Was I good?

December 24, 2011

Well, I was cute. Now when can I expect some dinner.

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President Obama has made it to Hawaii. Wonder if he remembered to get his Christmas wish into Santa first – more GOP debates.

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A late shopping surge appears to be making this Christmas season a particularly good one for retailers. And that’s even without Kobe Bryant needing anymore to buy Vanessa jewelry.

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Oops again, now it’s Newt Gingrich who failed to collect enough signatures (10,000) to appear on the Virginia primary ballot. And for the record, the Gingrich’s live in McLean (VA.)

Newt Gingrich was actually leading Mitt Romney in the Virginia polls before it was announced that he didn’t have the required signatures to get on the ballot. The Gingrich campaign said Virginia has a “failed system.” A “failed system?” Uh, you think you can fix perhaps the most complicated economy in the world, and you can’t count to 10,000?

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Michele Bachmann was confronted by the gay robot “RoboProfessor” (yes, really, the robot exists) in Iowa Thursday. Bachmann took it in pretty good humor. But then, Michele’s already learned how to deal with straight robots. How many debates has she done that include Mitt Romney?

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Down in Venezuela, former SF Giants and current Texas Rangers catcher Yorvit Torrealba struck a home plate umpire in the face during a game. Giants fans are shocked, they, alas, can’t remember Torrealba ever hitting anyone.

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An Ohio man bought a unopened fruitcake from 1941 in an online auction for $525. The fruitcake may have had sentimental value, however, as it may have been the exact one he gave his aunt then for Christmas.

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In college men’s basketball, #15 Pittsburgh lost to Wagner (who?) 59-54. Normally the Pitt Panthers don’t get embarrassed like this until the second or third round of the NCAA tournament.

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Pat Robertson claimed that SNL’s Tim Tebow skit – IMHO maybe the funniest thing they’ve done this year – was “anti-Christian bigotry” and “disgusting.” Except that Tebow, who seems to have a sense of humor, hasn’t complained. And who can say God doesn’t have a sense of humor – for example, armadillos.

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On the second or third night of Hannukkah, and two days after the Winter Solstice, and on Christmas Eve, this all-purpose wish – “Happy Whatever it is You Celebrate!”

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“I” of the Newt.

December 13, 2011

You cannot make this “st*ff” up dept. Newt Gingrich is now pledging future marital fidelity and as a potential President. So somehow he believes the Oath of Office is somehow a higher bar than “forsaking all others?”

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Follow up to Gingrich’s pledge of future marital fidelity. Assume that’s as long as he’s campaigning and if he wins. So if he loses, guess Callista had better watch the interns.
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Actually for all this talk about fidelity and who’s the most religious etc, my strong sense is that if it weren’t for the 22nd amendment Bill Clinton could win another term.

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Wonder how long until flight attendant departure messages start saying “Please take your seat, turn off your cellphone and stop playing “Words with Friends.”

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Not excusing Baldwin’s behavior but as far as an actual danger to the flight…? Should we start being worried if Zynga starts showing statistics indicating a high number of people on Homeland Security’s watch list start trying to learn how to play “Words with Friends?”

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In a dig at millionaire Mitt Romney’s offer to bet Rick Perry $10,000, millionaire Newt Gingrich offered to bet Romney $10. (that he wouldn’t give back money he made laying off people at Bain.) Of course, there’s a reason Gingrich wouldn’t bet $10,000 – it’s called “Callista’s Tiffany account.”

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Conservative radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich $1 million to drop out of the Republican primary race. Ever the smart businessman, Mitt Romney has asked about a similar offer – Mitt figures he can always change his mind a month later.

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Former SF Giant Aaron Rowand signed a minor-league contract with the Marlins. Makes sense, for the past few years Rowand’s been a minor league hitter.

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The Miami Dolphins at 4-9 fired their coach. The Kansas City Chiefs at 5-8 fired their coach. Guess this is ownership’s way of saying, “You sucked, but not enough to get us Andrew Luck.

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By winning tonight, the Seattle Seahawks kept their playoff hopes alive. Anyone but me just a bit disgusted that Pete Carroll and Reggie Bush have absolutely no restrictions on their postseasons, while kids at USC who had nothing to do with their misdeeds are forced to stay home?

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Newt Gingrich is proposing a flat tax but where Americans will have the option of using the current system or his new proposal. An independent study said it will add to the deficit but Gingrich said the plan will create jobs. With everyone needing to compute taxes twice? At H and R Block maybe.

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Brian Urlacher said last night of Tim Tebow “He’s a good running back.” And what does that say about the Bears then? Getting flat out humiliated in the late fourth quarter by a running back who was calling signals and throwing passes?

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While the Bears were dissing Tom Tebow, Tom Brady, QB of the Patriots, who are the Broncos next opponent, had nothing but nice things to say. Translation, Brady is smart enough to understand public relations, or maybe just Catholic enough that he doesn’t want to p*ss God off.

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Send in the Clowns.

November 12, 2011

Ironically, Rick Perry’s only being able to remember two of the three Departments he wanted to cut may end up benefiting… Newt Gingrich? A man who so far has forgotten two of the three times he said that “death do us part” stuff.

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A new book “Election 2012: The Battle Begins” says that Newt Gingrich’s current wife, Callista, didn’t want him to run for President. But he bought her off with a cruise and over $1 million in Tiffany’s jewelry. Guess Newt has learned, it was cheaper than alimony.

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In Montague, Michigan, city officials declared challenger Kevin Erb, 32, the new mayor, after they determined that the votes for winning incumbent Henry Roesler Jr., 84. don’t officially count. Since Roesler died a week before the election. Makes no sense. A lack of signs of life hasn’t hurt Mitt Romney in the polls yet.

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Herman Cain was joking yesterday about Anita Hill endorsing him. Not to say Cain doesn’t get it but what’s next? Asking Letterman if he can come on with his “Top Ten Pickup Lines?

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Cain was actually hinting Friday that he thinks he might be Romney’s running mate. And well, Herman does have something Mitt doesn’t have – a discernable pulse.

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Congratuations to Rick Perry. How many people thought just a month or two ago that it would be possible to take the title away from Michele Bachmann as the dimmest bulb in the race.?

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Meanwhile, some pundits are commenting on Obama’s apparent lack of a re-election campaign strategy. But actually the President has what he thinks is a very effective plan – “regular GOP debates.”

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Regarding Joe Paterno, it seems quite plausible that he is a man who has done much good in his life, but made one unforgivable moral mistake. Before we say that negates Joe Pa’s entire legacy, Americans should remember Ted Kennedy.

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TMZ reports that a Los Angeles school is in denial mode after a former porn legend, Sasha Grey, read children’s books to first graders last week. Apparently some parents complained. One question, how did they recognize the name?

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In the Pac 12, Stanford’s goal is to continue what they hope will be a BCS bowl run by beating Oregon. In the SEC, LSU and Alabama hope to continue their BCS bowl runs by beating Western Kentucky and Mississippi State. (And scoring a touchdown or two while they’re at it.)

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After last week’s 9-6 LSU Alabama snoozefest, you expect students to show up with signs this weekend “Occupy the End Zone.”

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Pre-game thought: Most people who expect Oregon to beat Stanford figure it will be because of the Ducks’ speed. But the Cardinal plays on grass, it’s been raining much of Friday, and have to think coach David Shaw has told the grounds crew to turn on the sprinklers tonight.

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