Archive for September 2010

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Burning desire?

September 10, 2010

The amount of attention paid to this nutty pastor in Florida is getting out of control. Isnt it time for the media to turn its focus back to things that Americans really care about…? Like Paris Hilton’s drug arrest and Bristol Palin’s outfit on “Dancing with the Stars?”

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Outrage has been spreading over that Gainesville, Florida church’s plan to burn the Quran. Even the University of Florida (in Gainesville) has issued a statement. They believe the only thing that should be burned in the city are Florida State Seminoles jerseys
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Actually, at time of writing, the pastor has temporarily “suspended” the Quran burning. But the “Balloon Boy” and his family have announced plans to move to Florida.

The beleaguered state has responded by proposing a law allowing police officers to stop residents and requiring them to prove they are legally sane.

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On a brighter note, “Glee” is apparently planning an episode this year honoring “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Fans are quivering in antici………….pation.

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Good news for Patriots fans, Tom Brady avoided injury in an early morning car accident this morning. Even better news, his wife Giselle and an Escalade were NOT involved.

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From Alex Kaseberg – When Ben Roethlisberger had his suspension cut two games from six to four; this information threw off Fantasy Football leagues. In fact, Fantasy Football players haven’t been this upset since Klingon was not deemed an official language by the UN.

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Apparently the NCAA has talked to Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl and an assistant coach about possible violations. Shocking. Recent potential sports illegalities at Tennessee, and Lane Kiffen wasn’t involved?

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A federal judge in Southern California has declared the U.S. military’s ban on openly gay service members unconstitutional. Wonder how long it will take for a church in Florida to announce plans to burn a copy of the Constitution?

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While appearing on the Colbert Report, Vice President Joe Biden thanked former President George W. Bush, saying “You deserve a lot of credit, Mr. President.” No kidding, without W’s eight years of work, Obama and Biden would probably never have been elected.

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Fruity loops?

September 9, 2010

Gov. Ed Rendell has referred to some of the more extreme Republicans running for office this year as “Fruit Loops.” This prompted an immediate demand for an apology. From Kellogg’s.

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A school named after Al Gore has apparently been built on toxic dirt. That’s like a school named after George W. Bush ending up with a world class library.

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Or a school named after Hillary Clinton being built on the site of a teddy bear factory?

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Nick O’Leary, a grandson of Jack Nicklaus and a top high school football recruit, was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards the stands after a recent game. O’Leary is apparently considering Alabama, Miami and Florida. But sounds like he might already be NFL ready.

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Meghan McCain now says she was so shocked by her father’s choice of Sarah Palin to be his running mate that she ended up crying on the bus. It was probably only a few weeks later that her dad ended up doing the same thing.

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An aide to Barbara Boxer was caught trying to “remove and conceal a sticky green substance” from his pocket while entering the Senate office building. The substance turned out to be marijuana and the aide has since resigned. Wonder if he will claim he thought it was gum?

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My friend Jim Barach said the aide may have been re-assigned to a joint committee.

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‎44 years ago this week, NBC aired the first episode of Star Trek, a series that actually only aired for three seasons, but nonetheless became a cultural icon. It was a show parents would tell their children about, if anyone who watched those first episodes actually married and reproduced.

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Former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln Wedsaid Wednesday, saying that it would be a mistake for voters to give in to “anger, apathy and amnesia.” And Sarah Palin replied “Just another example of Democrats using all those high-faluting foreign words.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:

“Pastor Terry Jones says that, despite calls from as high up as the White House to call it off, he plans on staging ‘International Burn-a-Quran Day’.Couldn’t he just settle on a LeBron James Cleveland jersey, instead?”

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Moving on.

September 8, 2010

Regarding that Florida church and the Quran. Anyone who wants to demonstrate their First Amendment rights by burning a book is unclear on the concept.

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The Redskins are apparently in talks to trade Albert Haynesworth. This after the defensive tackle failed numerous conditioning tests and apparently has been just “awful” with a bad attitude in preseason games. At this point the only way Haynesworth could be less popular in Washington is to be part of Congress.

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The team most interested in Haynesworth apparently is his old team, Tennessee. But based on Albert’s performance and attitude lately bringing him back to Nashville could be a disaster of “Titanic” proportions.

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Fired HP CEO Mark Hurd, who just received $12 million PLUS stock options as part of his severance package, has now agreed to join Oracle as a co-president, no doubt for another eight-figure salary plus stock package. And these ex-CEO’s running for office wonder why many voters question their ability to relate to the average American.

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Actually with Hurd and Ellison in the same boardroom, the fastest way to make a lot of money in Silicon Valley for an attractive woman might be to hire on at Oracle as an executive-assistant. Seems like good odds on being able to file for sexual harrassment.
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Tuesday morning hangover for the BCS. Since Boise State didn’t fold on national TV and lose to Virginia Tech, this potentially means one less BCS bowl opening for the SEC or Notre Dame. Oh, the horror.

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So the Heisman Trophy Trust might make Reggie Bush the first person to be stripped of his trophy. What can we learn from this? Killing two people pales in comparison to taking gifts and getting USC put on probation.

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Manny Ramirez was slightly injured in Tuesday’s White Sox loss to the Tigers. Of course at this point in the season the team doctor may just put Manny on bedrest for his third trimester.

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Tiger Woods has been named to the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Well, makes sense, one thing he has shown he can do this past year is “Ryder.”

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“Hook ups” and beyond.

September 7, 2010

A new study says people who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful pre-sex connection. These people are called “men.”

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Larry Ellison has hired ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd, who was fired over his “relationship” with Jodie Fisher, as a co-president of Oracle. Guess Ellison got tired of being a slam-dunk choice for the biggest a**hole at his own company.

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But really, Ellison and Hurd together on the board? Who are they going to use for an executive search firm for administrative assisants? Tiger Woods?

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Talented but difficult T.J. Houshmandzadeh has signed with Baltimore after being cut by the Seattle Seahawks. Wonder how much of the wide receiver’s attitude it will take to have Ravens fans say “Nevermore.”

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Apparently Cincinnati was thinking of signing Houshmandzadeh, but with Ochocino and T.O. already, the Bengals figured that would make three of the Four Horse’s A**es of the Apocalypse. (Post inspired by an online conversation with the great Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.)
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A man was arrested today for scaling a 60 story skyscraper in San Francisco. If he’d just waited until November when Prop 19 (marijuana legalization) may pass, then it would be legal to get high in California.

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The incredibly violent “Machete”, loosely about a renegade border crime fighter, took second place at the box office this weekend. And Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was thrilled,- “Finally all those beheadings I’ve been talking about.”

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NFL television analyst Dan Hampton joined the “soon to be unemployed” list, with his comment about Thursday night’s NFL opener between the Saints and Vikings. “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina.”

Let’s really hope they fire him before any games in New York on the weekend of September 11.

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Chicks may dig the long ball. But this year the Toronto Blue Jays are leading the majors with 244 home runs, the Boston Red Sox are second with 178. Maybe it’s not the home runs that the chicks dig, but that their boyfriends and husbands have Octobers off…

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Labor Day is in some ways oddly named, since it’s one day that American workers generally get paid not to do their job. In other words, they become honorary members of the Mets bullpen.

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Tony Blair had to cancel a book signing in central London because of worries about potential protesters on the right and the left. I think I’d take a lot of these folks more seriously about free speech if it applied to anyone but themselves.

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For many Americans, Labor Day marks the end of summer. In Boston the end of summer was marked Saturday when Jonathan Papelbon blew a 5-3 lead against the White Sox with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. How about that Tom Brady?

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September mourning?

September 6, 2010

Matt Leinart was flat out released by the Arizona Cardinals. Who knew the former Heisman winner would turn out to be JaMarcus Russell without the bling?

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T.J. Houshmandzadeh was cut Thursday by the Seattle Seahawks. The team feels confident they can replace him at wide receiver, but they will take a hit with their clubhouse Scrabble game.

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Meanwhile the party to celebrate Houshmandzadeh’s departure is still going on for Seattle copy editors and sportscasters.

Ten losses in a row for the reeling Padres. At this point sports fans in San Diego will really be thrilled when the NFL season starts. At least the Chargers have a chance to win once a week.

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My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg wrote this one, which was used on the Tonight Show – “Padres” is actually an old Spanish word meaning “Chicago Cubs.”

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The University of Florida won their opening game against Miami of Ohio, 34-12, despite gaining about 20 yards in the first half, and under 40 yards until the last few minutes of the game.

How worried are the Gators? They’re reportedly even looking into what academic program they use to tempt Jeremiah Masoli into transfering.
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John McCain said Sunday the Republicans should put out a new “Contract with America.” It’s not that McCain disagrees with Newt Gingrich’s original model, it’s that he can’t remember it.

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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 63, picked up a win for the Brockton Rox, an independent league baseball team in Massachusetts. Lee started, pitched 5 1/3 innings, and only allowed two runs. And at age 63 he still probably pitched harder than Tim Wakefield.
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Give Arizona Governor Jan Brewer credit. Who knew another Governor could make Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison?

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The Jan Brewer debate tape continues to be an online hit. Looks like the title of “most embarrassing and inexplicable silent gap ever for Republicans” no longer belongs to the late Rosemary Woods.

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Internet evangelist Bill Keller has set up headquarters in a New York Marriott near Ground Zero to speak out against Islam. So let’s see, a “Christian” using a hotel founded and run by Mormons to preach against Muslims – is this an amazing country or what?

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Opening week…

September 5, 2010

So most Division 1 football teams have made it through the first week of the season. Many of them with wins against FCS opponents

(FCS – Football Championship Subdivision – formerly known as Division 1-AA)

But really, routs against FCS teams? This is like winning a hot dog eating contest with supermodels.

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Or being the NFL team who gets to open against the Detroit Lions.

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How the mighty have fallen. Jonathan Broxton was an All-Star closer and saved the game for the National League. Since then he hasn’t saved a game since Aug 3, and has lost his closer’s job with the Dodgers. And yesterday he gave up a two-run game winning home run against the Giants.

This could be the biggest and fastest fall for a star without an Escalade being involved.

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Manny Ramirez, who got a few hits in the series when the White Sox swept the Red Sox, said his departure from Boston was “my fault,” and he would have happily rejoined his old team had they claimed on waivers.

Okay, how many Sox fans would have expected more mature behavior out of Manny than Johnny Damon.

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from Nick Coombs: Matt Leinart was released from the Arizona Cardinals yesterday. Fortunately he still has a lot of money saved from when he played for USC.
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JetBlue apparently has fired Steven Slater, the flight attendant who became famous for his emergency chute beer-carrying exit. Makes sense, the only employees who can behave that badly in public and still keep their jobs are elected officials and professional athletes.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman stated “I have been a full-time candidate for well over 20 months. I’m battle tested now.” Uh, Meg, anybody warn you about little things like a budget and a legislature?

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Mark Hurd, former CEO of HP, is reportedly in talks to join Oracle. Makes sense, at Oracle being involved in a public sex case is practically an executive requirement.

(Larry Ellison has been linked to several office “romances” and at least one lawsuit, Oracle president Charles Phillips had his ex-mistress put a picture of the two together on a billboard in Times Square.)

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Dumb and dumber – yet again

September 4, 2010

The NCAA in action: Jeremiah Masoli won his waiver appeal and will be able to play for Ole Miss this year, after he enrolled in the school’s Parks and Recreation graduate program. The former Oregon QB convinced them that he was a student-athlete “who transferred for academic reasons to pursue graduate studies, not to avoid disciplinary measures.”

(The NCAA’s excuse for the waiver, “Massoli was only kicked off the team for his brushes with the law, not expelled from the University) And we wonder how NFL players get the idea that rules don’t apply to them.”)

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Of course, the whole Masoli story just lends credence to a theory that many people have long suspected – the NCAA is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the SEC.

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BCS champions Ohio State opened their season with a 45-7 rout of Marshall. Guess Vassar wasn’t available?

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Apparently one sign that Arizona police are using to locate potential illegal immigrants is a poor command of the English language. Governor Brewer had now better not go out without her identification.

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Sarah Palin is slamming “impotent, limp and gutless” reporters after a Vanity Fair article claimed she had a “mean temper.”

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Meanwhile, Bristol Palin appeared on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday night to talk about her decision to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this is the young woman who broke up with Levi Johnston for the second time because he was “just obsessed with the limelight.”

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In Colorado gubernatorial Dan Maes has said that a Denver bike-sharing program is a “well-designed plot” that is converting Denver into a United Nations community.” He added “This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms.”

Leaving aside a number of things, like logic, does anyone actually believe the UN is capable of a well-designed plot?

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Kat Von D is now dating Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James, and says she believes he is “the one.” Stay tuned for the next installment of “Tattoed women, foolish choices.”

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The Nationals’ Nyjer Morgan has ended up with an eight-game suspension following three aggressive incidents, which culminated in him charging the mound and inciting a brawl between Washington and the Florida Marlins. On the bright side, Morgan’s been offered a tryout on defense with the Washington Redskins.

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Carly Fiorina has finally announced she has decided to support Prop 23, which suspends California’s global-warming initiative. (She’s only been running for Senate since last November.) If it takes her 10 months to decide on one proposition, how long will it take her to decide how to vote if she is elected to the Senate?

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from my funny friend Jim Barach: “President Obama said in his address to the nation on Tuesday night that U.S. has ended its combat role in Iraq and it’s now time to “turn the page.”

So now he has done two things President Bush never accomplished. Ending a war and turning a page.

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Are you ready for some football?

September 3, 2010

The college football season kicked off tonight, and many powerhouses scheduled their usual tough openers. Ohio State took on Marshall, Miami took on Florida A & M, USC took on Hawaii. So once again fans were generally treated to games with all the drama and uncertainty of the Christians taking on the Lions.

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Of course, what happened to #15 Pittsburgh, who took on a real team, Utah? A 27 to 24 loss. Which basically means the Panthers have been eliminated from any chance at a national championship, and it’s not even Labor Day. So the scheduling of crash-test dummies will continue.

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And actually, USC only beat Hawaii by 13 points, 49 to 36, and that after knocking out the Warriors starting quarterback on a questionable hit. So looks like that bowl ban for the Trojans just might end up being irrelevant.

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On the other hand, if this is the beginning of yet another mediocre season for Lane Kiffin, who knows what other team will try to lure him away from USC with a big contract.

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The University of Alabama, ranked number one in preseason polls, will be without Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram (injury), and defensive MVP of last year’s National Championship Marcell Dareus (suspension), for their season opener against San Jose State. Well, that ought to get the spread under 50.

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The SF Giants’ new call-up Darren Ford is beyond fast. He came in as a pinch-runner at first base Thursday in a 1-1 tie. Then he made it to second on a lousy bunt, went to third on a ball that only rolled a few feet away from the catcher, and scored on a wild throw. In fact, Ford’s so unstoppable maybe they should nickname him “Toyota.”

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Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman hit 103 mph on the radar gun in his second appearance for the team yesterday. Actually it’s not unusual for young major leaguers to be clocked at over 100 mph. But usually they are driving a car at the time.

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In California, the first ad has aired supporting Proposition 19, Marijuana Legalization. Presumably it was funded by the makers of Doritos.
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Feeling up for a challenge? A British gal broke a world record by texting the following in 29 seconds – “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.”

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from Bill Littlejohn – “Rob Dibble has been fired as the Nationals TV analyst.Steven Strasburg sent him a message telling him to suck it up and to stop crying”

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We’ll always have Paris…

September 2, 2010

Paris Hilton that is, a one-woman economic stimulus package to comedy writers.

Now she says she thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. Sort of puts a whole new slant on the concept of “Blowing bubbles.”

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But let’s see, mistaking cocaine for gum? Makes that “flaxseed oil” defense sound almost reasonable.

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I suppose Paris could have used the defense that she thought the marijuana was oregano, but that would have required at some point in her life that the woman had been in a kitchen.

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Lindsay Lohan says she is not an alcoholic or a drug user, and that she is “no longer young and irresponsible.” Of course not, she is now grown up and irresponsible.

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Burger King is reportedly in talks to be acquired by a private equity firm. The companies are said to be working out final stock purchase details, as in “Do you want fries with that?”

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President Obama called former President George W. Bush yesterday before his speech on the Iraq War. It was partly to be conciliatory and above politics, and also to tell W. that while Obama was redecorating the Oval Office he had ordered staff to put all of Bush’s art projects in a safe place.

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An attorney testified today in the McCourts’ divorce trial, that Frank McCourt told her he wasn’t going to sign a revised marital agreement that would share the Los Angeles Dodgers with his wife. If Frank really wanted to make Jamie, suffer, however, he would have given her the whole team.
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During practice yesterday, Kendall Langford of the Miami Dolphins apparently lost a 2.5 carat diamond earring valued at $50,000 on the field. It was the most ridiculous waste of money during the preseason since JaMarcus Russell was still doing drills with the Raiders.

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In the California leglislature, it’s another year, another deadlock. We can’t even call the California budget a political football – – you can actually pass a football.

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Also in Calfornia, in Carly Fiorina’s Senate debate with Barbara Boxer, Fiorina compared the state’s economic climate unfavorably to China’s, saying “China has done wonderful things to create jobs.”

This may be true, but even now in the California the unemployment rate isn’t so bad for eight-year olds.

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Winners and losers.

September 1, 2010

While shooting out of the rough, a Southern California golfer had his club accidentally strike a rock. This caused a spark that lit the grass on fire, resulting in a 12 acre blaze. It might turn out to be most expensive incident involving a golf club since Elin took after Tiger.

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San Jose State’s football team is travelling to play Alabama Saturday. The tradeoff – be a punching bag in exchange for a $1 million payday. Talk about taking one for the team, this time the team is taking one for the school.

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But really, being paid $1 million dollars to be humiliated. Normally this only happens to players who sign with the Cubs.

(or for Canadian readers, the Maple Leafs.)

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Bristol Palin will be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars.” In the meantime, her mother continues with the ongoing reality show “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Cleveland Browns’ tackle Shaun Rogers will be fined about $400,000 for accidentally having a semi-automatic handgun in his carry-on bag at the airport. All over America women are showing their husbands this story and saying “And you give me crap about not knowing what’s in MY purse?”

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Lindsay Lohan says she “wants her career back.” Give Lindsay and Paris Hilton some credit, before they showed up, the Department of Labor didn’t realize “skank” was a job description.

(Although it seems to be one that is growing even in a bad economy.)

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from t.c.

Manny Ramirez was in uniform tonight and ready to take on his new role as White Sox DH – designated headcase.

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Between A.J. Pierzynski, Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox aren’t just a team, they’re a psychology lab project.

They may not make the playoffs but they’re on the American Psychiatric Association All-Stars.

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A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord.

I don’t know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident.

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Donovan McNabb may be injured and unable to start the Redskins season opener. Which means they would start the season with quarterback… Rex Grossman. If true, Washingtonians wouldn’t care WHAT religion Obama was, if the President was praying to a God who could make that work.

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