Archive for December 2009

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In praise of procrastination.

December 12, 2009

Think of all the sportswriters who prepared their “Best Sports Story of the Decade” articles before Thanksgiving.

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And just think, a few weeks ago the most embarrassing sports story in Florida was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

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So despite a photo of two Tennessee recruits, in the rain, with two lovely women dressed for a fancy party, on the field after a football game, and despite fact those recruits later committed to Tennessee, the University maintains they did nothing wrong.

Said Pete Rose, “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

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And who’d a thunk this?. Bill Clinton will end up married longer than Mark Sanford.

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Surprising appearance of Sarah Palin on the Tonight Show, after William Shatner had done more dramatic readings of excerpts from her book. She in turn read of some Shatner’s memoirs out loud. Who would have expected that – Sarah can read?

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The Big 10 is thinking of expanding to 12 teams from 11. And we wonder why college athletes aren’t good at math.
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Jim Bob and Michelle Duggars had their 19th child, a girl born by emergency caesarean, Thursday night. 19 children?! Even the Octomom says “Are these people nuts?”

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The buzz already is that the new movie “Up in the Air” has a strong chance to win Best Picture. And for the uninitiated, no, it’s not a documentary on Tiger Woods’ career.

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The San Jose Sharks have lost their fourth in a row. It’s only December and they already are in postseason form.

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All booked up.

December 11, 2009

A new tell-all book, “The Politician.” written by a former aide and close friend of John Edwards is coming out in February. And Tiger Woods is looking into how much it would cost to have the book’s release date moved up to next week.

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Sarah Palin actually praised the President today, saying that his Nobel Peace Prize address reminded her about things she wrote about in her book. Except that Obama’s speech was in English.

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Give Tiger Woods credit for one thing….he has proved that given an interesting enough topic, most Americans WILL read.

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Despite barely avoiding an embarrassing upset against Nebraska after one second was put back on the clock, Texas football coach Mack Brown was rewarded with a raise to $5 million a year. I hope he shares some with the replay booth officials.

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As the holidays approach, police remind us that texting while driving is dangerous. Also texting while chipping, putting and walking the fairways. As Tiger Woods will attest.

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Paul McCartney now says his marriage to Heather Mills was a mistake. In related news, Adam Lambert is still gay.

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Anyone catch Barry Manilow on the Jay Leno Show? He looks like the love child of Clay Aiken and Keith Carradine.

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A judge today ruled in favor of TLC in their contract dispute with Jon Gosselin. So there is now a preliminary junction barring Jon from appearing on any other reality television shows. Bummer, said absolutely no one.

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And a little Toby Gerhart commercial. Some say that an previously unheralded running back from a school that was picked to MAYBE make it to .500 has no chance for the Heisman. Yeah, and how many people thought that Notre Dame would spend so much effort pursuing a football coach from the University of Cincinnati?

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The newest gift?

December 10, 2009

The newest gift this season? The Tiger Woods advent calendar. Every day in December another window opens to a surprise.

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Earlier in the year, Representative Joe Baca introduced a resolution to honor Tiger Woods with a Congressional Gold Medal. He has withdrawn the resolution. Apparently he feels that it would set a bad precedent to give a medal to someone who clearly seems to be working towards a career in politics.

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As the number of “transgressions” keeps climbing for Tiger Woods, I have to wonder what’s more shocking, that these stories are coming out now? Or that he managed to keep them quiet so long in the first place?

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How shocking would this headline have been just a few weeks ago? “Tiger’s alleged mistress apologizes to wife.” Even more shocking, the fact that at this point the response of most Americans would be “Which one?”

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CBS is cancelling “As the World Turns” after 54 years. I guess they figured, who needs to produce a soap opera when we have options like “The Tiger Woods Show?”

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Cincinnati’s Chad Ochocinco was fined $30,000 for his latest stunt, briefly donning a mock poncho and a sombrero next to the bench following his touchdown catch during the Bengals’ 23-13 win over Detroit last week, $10,000 more than the fine he got for pretending to bribe an official during a game earlier this season.

Anyone else out there who’s beginning to think Ochicinco might be the NFL’s best value for entertainment dollar?

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Mack Brown of the University of Texas received a raise this week, making him college football’s first official $5 million a year man. Of course, this doesn’t count the coaches who end up getting $5 million a year, when teams like Notre Dame fire them with years left on their contract.

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This week in Copenhagen, thousands are convening to discuss how we all can reduce carbon emissions. So many VIPs are attending, in fact, that the airport is having trouble finding space for the 140 private jets.

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JetBlue is offering a $25 online discount on their flights for the holidays. Wouldn’t it be more practical to give customers a $25 onboard credit while the plane is waiting for takeoff.

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Some say it is ironic that President Obama is accepting the Nobel Peace Prize after committing more troops to a war in Afghanistan. No more ironic than President Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage” act. Or for that matter George W. Bush calling himself the “Education President.

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Not so academic All-American

December 9, 2009

The University of Texas regularly ranks amongst the lowest in football player graduation rates. In the meantime, quarterback Colt McCoy admitted he didn’t realize a thrown football must hit something before the clock stops, which almost cost his team the game against Nebraska.. Maybe next year the Longhorns will consider SOME required reading – the rulebook.

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Virgin Galactic is taking deposits for their planned 2011 passenger suborbital space flights. The price of the tickets is expected to be $200,000. With presumably about $100,000 extra in fuel surcharges and taxes, not to mention nominal charges for inflight snacks and beverages.

Wonder what their slogan will be – “Want to REALLY get away?

“Something special in the stratosphere?”

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Kate Gosselin – formerly of Jon and Kate plus 8 -apparently spent a few hours working at a North Carolina pancake house in preparation for a possible new reality show. The working title of that show? “Meet Tiger Woods.”

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Sarah Palin said that while Mike Huckabee made a “horrible decision” nine years ago to commute the prison sentence of the man suspected of killing four police officers in Washington, her “heart goes out” to the former Arkansas governor.

Just wondering, would she be as forgiving if the man had been pardoned by also former Arkansas governor Bill Clinton?

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Cincinnati coach Brian Kelly is rumored to be the leading candidate to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. According to some media sources, this is partly to do with his being Irish Catholic. On the other hand, if he could lead them to a BCS bowl, my sense is the Fighting Irish would hire a direct descendant of Brigham Young.

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If Kelly replaces Weis, he will probably get at least a 6 year deal for about $20 million. Which based on the Notre Dame athletic department’s expectations, could mean over $6 million a year for his actual South Bend coaching career.

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The final joke is just sick and tacky, but what the heck?

Some wonder just how angry Elin Nordegren is getting as more and more details emerge about the number of Tiger’s “transgressions.” But apparently Elin’s only comment is that she wishes her husband had met Sahel Kazemi.

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Did you hear the one that wasn’t about Tiger Woods?

December 8, 2009

Many women across America are getting particularly sick of the Tiger Woods story. Partly because they can’t understand why so many other women would basically throw themselves at a celebrity for a tawdry quick relationship. Unless it was George Clooney.

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VH1 will air a show about the wives of NBA players. Sponsored, I would assume, by Tiffanys.

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Florida coach Urban Meyer checked into a Gainesville hospital the morning after his team’s blowout loss to Alabama the night before, suffering from dehydration. Gosh, it would have been nice to have something on the Gator sideline he could have been drinking to avoid that problem…

(inside baseball note, Gatorade was INVENTED at the University of Florida for athletes)

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What’s particularly surprising about Meyer apparently not having drunk any Gatorade. We sure know none of it was wasted by being dumped on him at the end of the game.

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Allen Iverson was in tears when he announced he was signing again with the 76ers. Wonder who will be crying next – his teammates or 76ers fans?

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A man accidentally shot and killed his friend in North Carolina during an argument over the Texas-Nebraska football game. Residents are shocked, normally such fatalities in the state only happen over Duke-UNC basketball.

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The Northwest pilots who got distracted with their laptops and overshot Minneapolis are now blaming the incident on air traffic controllers. Isn’t that like Tiger Woods blaming his accident on the tree?

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Tacky question of the day. By the end of the year which will be a higher number – Tiger Woods’ Masters wins, or known mistresses?

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Baltimore was called for five pass interference penalties against Green Bay on Monday night, a new NFL record. Good thing they didn’t get all those penalties when Brett Favre was still the Packers quarterback. The Ravens could be cited for elder abuse.

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Actually the Packers and Ravens were called for 23 penalties between them, the second highest total ever in an NFL game. The highest, presumably, being in a Raiders intra-squad scrimmage.

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The Packers and Ravens combined for 23 penalties for 310 yards in their Monday Night Football game. There were so many flags, some viewers thought they were watching a preview of the Vancouver opening ceremonies.

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Beyond Tiger and beyond..

December 7, 2009

For anyone getting just a little tired of the Tiger Woods story and the constant new evidence surfacing, be grateful for one thing. Text messages weren’t around when Bill Clinton was in his heyday.

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Would hate to have them miss kickoff…

Has anyone thought to remind Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans, headed to their first ever Emerald Bowl on December 26, that not all bowls are played on New Year’s Day?

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USC in the Emerald Bowl!!! The Trojans were picked early this year to contend for the National Championship. USC may be the most disappointedly over-rated team to show up at A T and T Park since last September when the Cubs played the Giants.

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Emerald, by the way, stands not for the color, but for Emerald Nuts, the bowl’s sponsor.

This could the first, (and perhaps one of the few non R rated versions) of what will be a lot of jokes including the USC mascot and the bowl name.

The Trojans in the Emerald Bowl? You must be Nuts.

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Okay, if you believe God has any interest in sports whatsoever, then clearly He (or She) is rooting for the New Orleans Saints this year. Either that or God really enjoys torturing Redskins fans.

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A horse was entered in the sixth race Friday at Hollywood Park in Los Angeles named Driveliketiger. The horse unfortunately was scratched. Wonder if he claimed he hit a hydrant or a tree?

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The San Diego Padres have stated their 2010 payroll will probably fall from $42.6 million to around $30 million. You know what that means, for Padres players and fans it’s safe to plan that October vacation in Hawaii.

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And okay, another comment-rant on the BCS system. Baseball and basketball have enough games that this tends not to happen at any level. But imagine in the NFL, that a team like the New Orleans Saints, picked somewhere between 12-24th (yes, 24th by Sports Illustrated, oops) in NFL preseason polls, simply could not move high enough into the rankings to be able to play for the Super Bowl. Because there were too many teams once ranked above them. Whereas teams like the Indianapolis Colts would still have to win, but would have no problem qualifying if they did. Because that’s the system we’ve got.

Yeah, probably the three undefeated teams left out of the Championship game aren’t quite at Texas-Alabama level. (Although Texas sure didn’t look at “Texas level” in winning against Nebraska.) Boise State and TCU won every game they played. And Cincinnati even went undefeated in a BCS conference, knocking off more ranked teams (3) than either Texas or Alabama (2 each.) You get the sense that BCS officials will be wearing Tim Tebow eye-black during the Sugar Bowl, which pits the Bearcats against Florida.

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That sigh of relief you heard…

December 6, 2009

…was BCS officials when Texas kicker Hunter Lawrence’s kick sailed about 2 feet over the uprights to give the Longhorns a 13-12 victory over Nebraska. Had Nebraska pulled off the upset, the BCS committee would have had the choice for the BCS championship between TCU and Cincinnati. Both of which choices would surely be considered wrong by half the country. Not that the current system isn’t wrong already.

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Wonder how many votes he could get from Ohio (Cincinnati), Idaho (Boise State), and the Dallas-Ft Worth area (TCU), if President Obama added a rider to the healthcare bill to require an NCAA playoff system?

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Portland center Greg Oden fractured his kneecap during a game against the Houston Rockets today and will likely be out for the season. The only good news for the Trail Blazers. His hospital bills should be covered by Medicare.

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According to a San Francisco based consumer group, “The Good Guide”, apparently Zhu Zhu pets contain too high a level of the chemical, “antimony,” which can cause health issues.

Maybe we shouldn’t be sending troops to Afghanistan; it would be cheaper and cost less American lives to just ship them fast food and cheap toys.

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Minnesota police cited Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian going 104 mph in a 60-mph zone, a few days after they caught his teammate Adrian Peterson going 109 mph in a 55-mph zone. Meanwhile Brett Favre was allegedly cited for going 15 mph in a 35 mph zone, with his left blinker on.

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Tim Tebow always wears a bible verse on his eyeblack. Today’s was John 16-33, a verse that ends – “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The world, yes. Apparently Alabama, no.

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From Alex Kaseberg:

The Tiger Woods story is amazing. Married guys across the country are dumbfounded. Tiger was out dating women when he could have been playing golf? What is wrong with him?

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No no, New Jersey Nets…

December 5, 2009

Tne Nets finally won their first game to move their record upwards to 1-18. But they still might be the most embarrassing story of the year to come out of New Jersey not involving an indictment.

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How bad have the Nets been? Even Conan O’Brien has declined to joke about them, saying, “those poor fans have suffered enough.”

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On the other hand, if the Nets continue at this pace, they may qualify for federal stimulus money targeted to clear up toxic messes.

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So the New Jersey Nets finally won their first game of the year to move to 1-18. Who’s more embarrassed, the Nets or the Charlotte Bobcats team they beat? Of course, both of them are very thankful this week for Tiger Woods.

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The Tiger Woods story just won’t go away. Who said golf would never regularly be a front page sport?

Notre Dame decided not to go to a bowl game. Bummer, said absolutely no one not a past or present resident of South Bend.

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A Unversity of Delaware graduate student going through some old documents discovered a previously unknown personal letter written by Thomas Jefferson. The letter was apparently discussing a possible appearance on the Larry King Show

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A woman gave birth on a Southwest Airlines flight scheduled from Chicago to Salt Lake City. The plane had to divert to Denver, but both mother and baby were fine. Good thing she was on Southwest. Most airlines would have charged her for an extra carry-on.

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Many Americans professed to be thrilled with the U.S. draw in the World Cup. Probably more than will actually watch it.

Sarah Palin, in her new book “Going Rogue,” incorrectly credited a quote — in short, “Our land is everything to us … our grandfathers paid for it with their lives” — to legendary UCLA coach John Wooden instead of Cheyenne activist John Wooden Legs. Said Bill Littlejohn: “I can’t wait to get to the part where George Washington Carver crosses the Delaware.”

And when someone compared former Governor Palin to Yogi Berra she allegedly laughed and said “thanks, but I think his little pal “Boo Boo” was more of a maverick.”

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Been there, done that.

December 4, 2009

Okay, well, we can expect one variation on the traditional “You’ve just won the Rose Bowl, where are you going?” question.

Because the Oregon Ducks clearly have already been to Disneyland. Apparently to shop for a mascot.

(note, today is an experiment, the first post with a picture.)

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Ouching Tiger.

December 4, 2009

The number one customer service question at the Apple Store this week from men – “Uh, how do you delete call logs?

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Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford’s wife has decided to take up golf.

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As rough a week as this has been for Tiger Woods, there are several teams, athletes and coaches who are if not exactly happy about his misfortune, relieved to be at least temporarily off the front page…

For examples:

– the New Jersey Nets

– Charlie Weis and anyone rumored to be on Notre Dame’s short list to replace him, not to mention the 6-6 team including former Heisman front-runner Jimmy Clausen.

– the Saskatchewan Roughriders, who had basically won the Grey Cup, Canada’s football championship, until they got called for a “too many men on the field” penalty during a missed game winning field goal attempt. (The extra man didn’t affect the kick, but the placekicker didn’t miss his second try, and the Montreal Alouettes pulled out the victory.)

– the Gator Bowl, and okay, they have nostalgia on their side, but as a big money New Years Day bowl, with the third pick of ACC teams, they will take 6-6 Florida State.

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On her book tour in Minnesota, Sarah Palin’s staff informed the media that they were banning foreign press and only English speakers would be allowed. Guess up north they were worried they’d have to deal with all those reporters coming across the border speaking Canadian.

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John McCain repeatedly praised AARP when he was running for President. Now that the senior group has endorsed Obama’s health care plan, the Senator is speaking out against them. But to be fair, maybe it’s not that McCain decided to renounce his previous praise. Maybe he just forgot it.

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How times have changed. In 1997, both the U.S. President, Bill Clinton, and the world’s top golfer, Greg Norman, were white. Now we have both President Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. The other difference, now the President seems like the squeaky clean one…

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The Swiss have long been known as the bankers of the world. Now they’ve granted $4.5 million bail to Roman Polanski. Which considering his history, seems like a rather risky proposition. Although if he jumps bail, he’ll actually be America’s problem, and the Swiss, while potentially embarrassed, can keep the money. Hmm……maybe I’m begining to see how they got all those banks.

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Tiger and beyond….

December 3, 2009

Allen Iverson will apparently sign with the 76ers, after he announced his retirement only a week ago. “Amateur,” commented Brett Favre.

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After the week Tiger Woods has had, I can only hope Tim Tebow really is as clean as his image. Otherwise God could start losing his faith in people.

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Well, this week does answer those who say Tiger never really connects with “playing partners.”

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And I suppose those Americans who are tired of this story already have to be thankful for one thing…. Texting hadn’t really been invented when Bill Clinton was President…..

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The NFL is trying to prevent more serious head injuries and has instituted a policy whereby players who think they have sustained a concussion should not return to action on the same day if they show “certain signs or symptoms.”

These symptoms include “an inability to remember assignments or plays.” Which means by the end of many games, the Cleveland Browns may find themselves unable to field 11 men on offense.

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Ron Artest now says that he used to drink cognac during halftime while he has been playing in NBA. Wow, and here most fans thought the only people drinking hard stuff during the games would be Artest’s coaches.

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Actually, Artest says he drank while playing for the Chicago Bulls. When he was with the Sacramento Kings, he just drove fans to drink. And just think, that whole brawl that ensued when a man threw a beer on him in Detroit, could this all have been averted had the guy just thrown Hennessy?

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Be careful what you wish for department:

As much of the nation begins to focus on Toby Gerhart, who may or may not win a Heisman, but will graduate from Stanford this year, we can also pause to remember another player who would have been a senior at Stanford, playing basketball, until he decided to jump to the NBA. – Brook Lopez.

And yes, he’s making over $2.5 million in NBA salary. But playing for the New Jersey Nets. (Stanford, 5-3 and picked to finish last in the Pac 10, has 5 more wins than the Nets.)

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Tonight the New Jersey Nets set an NBA record for most losses to open the season, and head into the week 0-18. In three years, the Nets are expected to leave New Jersey and move to Brooklyn. Which is strangely appropriate. It’s about time New Jersey dumped some of their garbage back to New York.

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Endings…

December 2, 2009

Bobby Bowden leaving Florida State – the end of an era.

Charlie Weis leaving Notre Dame – the end of an error.

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Sarah Palin’s memoir ‘Going Rogue’ has sold more than one million copies. And at least a dozen of those copies might actually get read.

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“You can’t make this stuff up” department, again. On Cincinnati.com (where I was looking for information on Brian Kelly and the Notre Dame coaching vacancy,) a pop-up ad for Miller’s Bakery, Furniture and Bulk Foods. Miller’s also proudly proclaims they are “Amish owned – Amish operated.”

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GM Ceo Fritz Henderson resigned today. Which surprised a lot of Americans who didn’t realize anyone was driving at GM.

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Major League Baseball has asked Internet sites to remove several semi-nude photographs of Cleveland Indians centerfielder Grady Sizemore.

Apparently the photos were stolen from his girlfriend’s email account. It could have been worse. Someone could have stolen and posted semi-nude photos of C.C. Sabathia..

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And since we can’t let the Tiger Woods story go yet…. (Neither can he, note to Tiger, didn’t you get the Letterman memo – rule 1, come clean, immediately, rule 2, let them laugh, rule 3, THEN shut up.)

So will Tiger Woods’ new theme song, (with apologies to AC-DC), be “Driveway to Hell?”

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Give poor Tiger some credit, at least he didn’t claim to be heading out for a moonlight walk on the Appalachian trail.

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And no one seems to believe the President when he says we will be out of Afghanistan by 2011. But Obama’s got a foolproof plan. He’s going to put the war in prime-time on NBC. It could be finished by next summer.

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This joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Kaseberg.

Just wondering, how long until someone decides to sell a rare picture of Jesus on EBay, one where if you look closely you can see an image of a pancake or a slice of toast?

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And another bad pun alert, this time from Bill Littlejohn:

“A newly-discovered film from the late 50’s shows Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana. It was titled ‘Some Like It Pot'”

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Tiger’s worst drive continues…

December 1, 2009

After cancelling three meetings with police, Tiger Woods has announced he will simply not give a statement to law enforcement about his one-car crash. Which is odd, normally it doesn’t take Tiger that long to figure out how to play a bad lie.
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Or,

Continued stonewalling just doesn’t seem to make helping Tiger in the public relations department. You would think the best and perhaps smarter golfer in the world would know when to just take the penalty for an unplayable lie.

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So Tiger Wood’s reputed girlfriend claims she wants privacy and then hires Gloria Allred as her lawyer. Yeah, right. Even Sarah Palin refers to Allred as a “media whore.”

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(anyone who hates puns skip the next one.)

Rough Monday Night Football for Patriots fans. Who knew that the most damaging storm to hit New England this fall would be a cool Brees?

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Drew Brees threw for five touchdowns tonight to five different players. To put that in perspective, the Oakland Raiders have five passing touchdowns to three different players. For the SEASON.

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Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her outburst during last year’s U.S. Open. Apparently it was the worst display of profanity in New York in September not involving the Mets’ bullpen.

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Mayor Bloomberg spent $102 million on his re-election. $102 million, for one win in New York. Curiously enough, that may be the final result for the Nets.

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Derek Jeter was named Sport Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Apparently for his triumph over adversity in leading the Yankees back to a World Championship after an endless nine year drought and with only a $200 million payroll.

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In Charlie Weis’s final game at Notre Dame, Stanford’s Toby Gerhart rushed for 206 yards against the beleaguered Fighting Irish defense. Which means at least we got to find out the answer to an old question – “What happens when an irresistible force meets 11 movable objects?”

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A German tourist was arrested at Disney World after saying he had a bomb in his backpack. Apparently there was some confusion. What he meant was simply that he had an advance DVD copy of Old Dogs.

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A racing yacht, “The Kingdom of Bahrain,” and its British crew were seized by Iran, after the boat accidentally strayed into Iranian waters. The yacht is worth tens of millions of dollars. You’d think if someone spent that much on a boat they would have sprung for a TomTom.

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