Posted tagged ‘Yankees jokes’

San Francisco Giants hitting and other myths…

May 3, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants won another 1-0 game.  After they lost a 5-1 game. And won a 3-2 game.  Three games, five runs, and this time they won two of three.  

It’s enough to make you turn to a high scoring sport like soccer.

Actually Giants management says they would like to trade for a good hitter, but revenue is down. 

Have they considered that one reason revenue is down is because they don’t have any good hitters?

“Mine that Bird, ” a 50-1 longshot, won the Kentucky Derby.   The 3 year old gelding beat some expensive horses flown by private jet from the Mideast.  But he travelled across country to Churchill Downs with a 21 hour drive in a basic horse trailer pulled behind a pickup truck.    I see a potential lucrative endorsement contract from Southwest Airlines.

The New York Mets have banned local newspapers from their clubhouse in an effort to keep players from reading negative stories about the team’s lousy start.  Across the city, the Yankees are insulating their bullpen by simply banning newspapers written in English.

Two members of the New Orleans Saints were arrested and charged with 3 counts including obscenity, disturbing the peace and lewd conduct.  New Orleans officials issued a statement saying they were very disappointed. Normally the Saints only embarrass themselves on the field

As the Youtube video of Condoleezza Rice arguing with a Stanford student receives more and more global attention, one question comes to mind.  How can you be smart enough to be chosen as Secretary of State, and dumb enough not to realize that these days, everyone in the world has a camera phone?

You can’t make this stuff up

May 1, 2009

As in  –  Michael Vick – potential  future PETA spokesman.   

And Miss California,  Carrie Prejean, who has now been confirmed to have had her “boob job” paid for by pageant officials, is going on the road.  Apparently to talk about her view that marriage should be between a man and a surgically enchanced woman.

She says, among other things, that  “God was testing my character and faith. I’m glad I stayed true to myself.”     Apparently truth has nothing to do with cup size.

But you have to hand it to her on priorities.  Ms Prejean was willing to risk losing the pageant by honestly answering a question about what she believes to be unnatural gay marriage.  But she wasn’t  not willing to lose it by showing up with her natural cleavage.

 

So the economy is in shambles, Chrysler is declaring bankruptcy, and the swine flu might be a pandemic.   And a Texas Congressman has introduced a bill to prevent the NCAA from crowning a national football champion unless that champion comes out of a playoff system.  Good to see Congress is on top of things:

 

Actually it would be an interesting bet – will the U.S.bring down Bin Laden before we bring down the BCS?

Well,  for those who remember Hillary Clinton’s primary comment that Barack Obama was not a Muslem “As far as I know…:”

We’ve got a contender to top that: 

Brett Favre’s affirmation of his retirement:  “At this time.”

Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced he is retiring as of June  so he can return to a quiet life in New Hampshire.   President Obama accepted the retirement, but  simply asked Souter that before he leaves, could he also tell Clarence Thomas about the joys of rural New England?

With all the school closings, this “swine flu” has to seem like a real gift to schoolchildren who have been ready for summer vacation for months.   The only way it could be better, if it were “broccoli flu.”   (Or anything else transmitted by eating vegetables.)

 

And finally, from the very funny Derek Wilken of Calgary, Alberta, on U.S.  officials advising citizens to avoid large crowds during the swine flu scare: “They are suggesting people stay home or stick to sparsely populated areas like the Yankees’ box seats.’’

A-Rod and A Is-this-For-Real?

May 1, 2009

A new tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez alleges that besides using steroids, the slugger would tip pitches for opposing batters  when he was with the Rangers.  This is unbelievable.  Any batter would need help against Rangers’ pitching?

There are also allegations in the book that A-Rod used steroids as early as high school.  Which explained why his classmates voted him “Most Likely to Have a Swelled Head.”

Could it get any worse for A-Rod?  Today the Yankees told him they were pleased with his rehablitation from his hip injury, but they thought he should spend his last weeks on the DL training in Mexico.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring.   While the first President Bush expected Souter to be a moderate conservative,  as a justice he turned out to be reasonably liberal.  George H. W. Bush considers the appointment to be one of this biggest mistakes, next to introducing his son George W  to politics.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:

 “A 17-year old Los Angeles area marching band girl fended off two muggers with her baton.Too bad Stanford didn’t have her against Cal back in ’82”

Condoleezza Rice was caught on  video tonight arguing with a Stanford student tonight.   Her statemants including that Guantanamo Bay was a “medium security” facility, and added  “We did not torture anyone.”

I like the one about George W. Bush planning to write a book better.

Game six of the first round NBA matchup between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls went to three overtimes.  Which I think  makes the time of game longer than the Pistons lasted in the playoffs. 

 

Okay, and finally, 100 days into Obama’s presidency, who’d a thunk that the Clintons would have proved far less of an distraction than Joe Biden?

Yankees seats and other jokes…

April 27, 2009

Regarding those premium seats that sell for over $5000 a pair at Yankee Stadium.  The first place Toronto Blue Jays also charge extra for “Premium Dugout” seats, ie the field level on the infield.  The cost for those seats, up to $73.    Canadian.

Part of the problem the Yankees have is finding people willing to admit they are paying so much for tickets, especially since the seats are visible on television.  So  perhaps the solution,  unbreakable one-way glass?

Lost in the controversy over the “Legends Level” seats, are the prices the Yankees charge for regular lower level seats on the infield.   If the seats are available on the day of the game…. $400 each.

And with the Yankees getting off to such a mediocre start, there’s the very real possibility of paying all that money, and not having an enjoyable evening.  Some men are figuring, they might as  well just save some of the money, and take their wives to the ballet instead.

from Jim Barach

“Yankee Stadium’s premium priced seats that sell between $500-2,600 have been going mostly empty this season. Mostly because the only people who make enough money to afford them are the Yankees.”

The Boston Celtics  and Chicago Bulles  played an exciting NBA playoff game Sunday that ended in double overtime.  Meanwhile,  the Lakers and Cavaliers watched that Celtics-Bulls game with all the interest of cats observing a good mouse fight.

John McCain says that  prosecuting lawyers who signed off on waterboarding would be a “witch hunt.”  And he remembers it didn’t turn out so well when he watched those hunts in Salem.

New Yorkers are already reminiscing fondly about the days when Eliott Spitzer was Governor, and in a recent poll most would like to have him back.  Apparently they belatedly prefer a sleazeball to an incompetent.  Which may come to be known as the “post-Clinton effect.”

And hey, give Spitzer his due.  With all the tax scandals brewing these days, at least he got in trouble for actually paying money.

Natinals

April 22, 2009

Two Washington players,  Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman, ended up wearing jerseys with the team’s name shown as ‘Natinals’ last week.

Former President George W. Bush saw the jerseys and  story and said “So what did they do, pick the wrong color or something?”

The uniform company, Majestic Athletic, apologized and took full responsibility. saying they “regret any embarrassment for the Nationals organization, players and fans.”  

Which means now the embarrassment for the Nats will just have to revert to their play on the field.

 

It would have been more appropriate, given the Nationals’ lousy start, that the uniforms be spelled ASHINGTON.    No  “W.”

How much of a launching pad is the new Yankee Stadium?  Rumor has it they just received a sponsorship application from NASA.

Okay, lets see a show of hands?

April 18, 2009

After about two weeks in the Major League Baseball season, who had the Seattle Mariners, Kansas City Royals, and Toronto Blue Jays in first place in their respective divisions

Okay, both of you liars put your hands down.

And there’s no punchline here,  I just love writing this final score from Saturday.  New York Yankees 4, Cleveland Indians 22.

The Cleveland Indians scored 14 runs in the 2nd inning.  Not that New York fans are that shocked to see their team outscored 14-0 in the second.  It’s just that usually the Jets are involved.

 

Frozen four

April 11, 2009

Boston University won this year’s Frozen Four.  For readers in the San
Francisco area, that’s the NCAA hockey tournament, not the last fans left at an extra innings game when the Giants played at Candlestick.

The Cleveland Indians are off to an 0-5 start.  On the bright side, some of their game footage might be used for a remake of the movie Major League.

According to the New York Times,  the new Yankees and Mets stadiums were partially built by companies that New York City  has blacklisted due to allegations of corruption and  ties to organized crime.   Hmm, maybe there was more than a Red Sox jersey buried in that cement at Yankee Stadium.

Apparently one of the best baseball  hitting coaches in the world  – counting Tony Gwynn amongst his former pupils,  is Mark Wetzel, who has been legally blind due to macular degeneration. 

An AP interviewer wondered why a virtually blind man would choose to teach hitting?

Well, maybe there were no openings at umpiring schools?

This just in…

March 12, 2009

GM says they will not need $2 billion from the government in March. They may, however, need $20 billion in April.

The new UFL – United Football League – plans to work as a feeder league for tne NFL, by providing a place to play for players who just miss making pro rosters. Then the UFL season will end before Thanksgiving, allowing NFL teams to pick up the best players for the stretch run and the playoffs.

In other words, the same model the Yankees use for the rest of major league baseball.

The new UFL will be composed of players who aren’t quite good enough for the NFL. Don’t we already have that? I think they are called the Detroit Lions.


The UFL says their season will be over by Thanksgiving. Raiders fans said “And your point is?”

John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have ended their on-again, off-again relationship. Again. Even Brett Favre says, “Folks, make up your minds.”

Rod, we hardly knew ye…

January 30, 2009

Despite the rough economy, Americans are a resilient lot. Comedy writers, for example, shrugged off the departure of President Bush and vowed to persevere. But now losing Governor Blagojevich. That’s serious.

But for a farewell tour…

Governor Rod Blagojevich asked Illinois state senators how they could throw him out of office when he was “clamoring” and “begging” for a chance to prove his innocence. How? 59-0, that’s how.

Might as well say this now, because who knows when it could change.

As of today, January 30, Illinois’s governor is neither under investigation or indictment.


Barack Obama, in another landmark political move, actually admitted he is rooting for one team over another in the Super Bowl. Our new President is rooting for the Steelers, although he says he admires veteran Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner.

Of course, who better than Obama to know not to bet on the old white guy from Arizona?


The U.S. banking bailout may cost a trillion dollars. Wow. A trillion dollars. That’s enough money to outfit Sarah Palin for over a year.


Now that Joe Torre has co-authored a new tell-all book about the Yankees, the team is considering a confidentialty clause in future so that players and staff cannot tarnish the team’s reputation in print.

Instead, they’ll just have to do it on the field.

(Or by dating Madonna.)


In the wake of Joe Torre’s new book, Yankees officials are considering steps to ensure that all future volumes about the team are “positive in tone.” Which means that no one will be allowed to write a book about the Bronx Bombers in the playoffs.