Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

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Cyber monday…

November 29, 2010

Which means, if you’re reading this instead of shopping you’ve either got all your shopping done or you’re waiting until Christmas Eve?

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Cyber Monday – it’s one day of the year when bosses may not cyber-snoop on employees, because they’re too busy shopping themselves. what

And if they do catch their employees hiding something, at least it’s not likely to be porn or solitaire.

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Actually, it’s a really good thing Cyber Monday isn’t in March.   Considering that most people fill out their NCAA brackets the day after “Selection Sunday,” both sexes could combine to bring American worker productivity to a complete halt.

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Some Northern California media types expected the Oakland Raiders to “make a statement” against the Miami Dolphins Sunday.

Actually, the Raiders did make a statement – Unfortunately it was – “We still basically suck.”

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Hard to believe but with two pro teams (okay at least semi-pro) teams in the San Francisco Bay area, the top NFL quarterback currently in Northern California is probably already Andrew Luck.

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And with #4 Stanford now projected to go to the Fiesta Bowl, the University of Phoenix stadium, which also will host the BCS Championship game,  can claim to be hosting three of the top matchups of amateur teams in the nation.

Five if you count the 49ers – Cardinals game Monday night.

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Many in the media are taking Derek Jeter’s side in his contentious contract negotiations, with a USA Today article talking about how the Yankees are “jilting” Jeter.

“Jilting?”  Really?  To the tune of a $45 million contract?  As far as being jilted in New York the only people who have come close to that kind of payout have married Donald Trump..

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Leslie Nielsen died tonight at a Fort Lauderdale hospital.  Which is a “big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.” R.I.P. to one of the funniest men of our generation.

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Sarah Palin is complaining about “bluebloods and intellectuals.” Well, fine, except that pretty much describes our founding fathers.

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Heading into turkey week.

November 23, 2010

The 3-7 Minnesota Vikings fired coach Brad Childress. Guess they figured with Favre and the rest of the talent they have the team should be at least 4-6.

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game Saturday was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Another loss for Lebron and his friends in Miami. At this point they may have to change their name to the “Miami Lukewarm.”

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So much for the 49ers latest-quarterback savior, as Troy had an awful Sunday. Wonder if we should say the Bucs employed a wooden horse defense?

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Delta Air Lines is saying that in “rare” cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don’t want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving.

Translation, those “rare cases” are probably when there are  people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket.

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New TSA theme songs?

“You ain’t seen nothing yet?”  or “The way that I want to touch you?

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As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let’s at least hope they don’t put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional “massage charge.”

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Not everyone, however, is upset with the new hands-on security protocol.  In fact, rumor has it that out of the fans who flew to New York for the U.S. Premiere of the most recent Harry Potter movie,  many of them asked the TSA inspectors for a second date.

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At 1-9, the Panthers are all alone as the worst team in the NFL. Which means that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck may discover in 2011 that there are just a few things “finer than to be in Carolina….”

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The Defense Department says they will release their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote?

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Are you “gellin”? Not if you’re flying. While the bodyscans are getting all the publicity, TSA also lists gel shoe inserts on their banned list, except in checked luggage. (Really.) What’s next, a ban on gel insert bras.

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More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day,  including Sears,  Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional “Black Friday” start to the Christmas shopping season.

Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved “Black Friday” to the weekend before Labor Day?

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Morning after…

October 25, 2010

You know you’ve been a Giants fan all year when… you woke up this morning and wanted to check the paper or online to make sure it really did happen, and Howard didn’t hit a walkoff homerun or something…

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Still don’t believe this is magic? Juan Uribe of the SF Giants…. 25 home runs total this year. And how many to the opposite field? One.  Saturday night in Philly.

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We have all heard now how Christine O’Donnell says she is not a witch.  Has anyone heard Bruce Bochy say he is not a warlock?

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Anyone in California feeling sorry for those Phillies fans should read some Philadelphia papers online. Those papers were indeed full of angst tonight, but it was more about the Eagles losing to the Titans.

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Headline in L.A Times today: “Giants ride hit charade to the World Series.” But let’s be fair, it must be hard for Los Angeles. Other than USC, the city hasn’t had a professional football team for years. This year they really didn’t have a professional baseball team either.

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Meanwhile, the now 1-6,San Francisco 49ers announced in a press release that contrary to expectations and popular belief, the team has discovered that are PLENTY of things that could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning. 

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49ers coach Mike Singletary thinks his 1-6 team can still make the playoffs.  Playoffs?  At this point San Francisco would be a longshot to be bowl-eligible.

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So the NFL is now sending the 1-6 49ers (who just lost to the previously winless Panthers) and the 2-5 Broncos (who just were destroyed by the Raiders) to play in London next week. Is this a game or an extradition?

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The 49ers lost two fumbles and an interception Sunday, the Broncos lost FIVE fumbles and an interception.  Maybe because the British are used to football being soccer, the NFL decided to send them two teams who don’t regularly use their hands.

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Meg Whitman is decrying the practice of allowing students who are not legal immigrants to attend California universities, saying they are taking places from California citizens. 

As opposed to kids whose places might be taken at places like Princeton because other students’ parents donate money to build new dorms?

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Meg Whitman’s new California ad states “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience.”

Over in Nevada, however, where voters have the Senate choice between Harry Reid and Sharron Angle, the number one response to that ad “We’ll trade you.”

(In all seriousness, for those not following the Nevada race, well more than half of each candidates “supporters” say they wish they had someone else to vote for.)

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The torture continues….

October 11, 2010

 What was that old line.. the beatings will continue until morale improves.  (And was it said by a Giants fan?)

Today’s SF Giants come-from-ahead-then-behind win – Just another f**king laugher!  

Wonder if anyone else had this stomach-churning memory when Brooks Conrad was playing his own particular version of “no-hands” baseball:

Back in 1986, Roger Craig was managing the SF Giants and due to injuries, needed a player to fill in for a game at third base. Catcher Bob Brenly (who was doing color commentary for the game Sunday on TBS ), volunteered.  And he made FOUR errors in one inning. But Brenly also had two hits in the game when he came up with two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Giants trailing by one with a man on.  And he hit a walk-off home run.

If Brian Wilson had loaded the bases, not an impossible thought given his creative style,  the batter would have been – Brooks Conrad.

Oh, and the game where Brenly had his worst and best day ever?  It was against the Atlanta Braves.–

From my friend Jerry Perisho:  Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday cost the Braves the game. The last person to screw an entire team was Madonna.

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How many years of chances will 49ers quarterback Alex Smith get? He’d last as long in Philly as Michael Vick at a PETA convention.

In the “torture loves company” department: Giants fans, can we have a moment for fans of the Texas Rangers? Only MLB franchise that has NEVER won a playoff series. Ever. As either the original Washington Senators or after they moved to Texas in 1971. And with a 2-0 series lead they just lost two games to the Tampa Bay Rays.

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The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Texas Rangers today in the ALDS series to send the series back to Tropicana Field for game 5 tied 2-2. Based on their game 1 and 2 losses, lousy attendance, and the fact that they play in the worst stadium in the big leagues, wonder if the Rays said, “Uh, actually could we pass on home field and stay in Texas?”

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What’s worse for 49ers fans? Being 0-5? Or having two fewer wins than … the Raiders?

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In New York, Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said in a speech to Orthodox Jewish leaders that he doesn’t want children “brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality” is acceptable.

Fortunately, he’s losing big in the polls. Most New Yorkers don’t want children “brainwashed” into thinking stupidity and bigotry are acceptable.

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Rich Lott, a Ohio congressional candidate, is facing criticism from both parties after photos surfaced of him recently dressed in a German SS uniform to participate in Nazi re-enactment ceremonies. Lott says his participation was for “purely historical interest in World War II.” Well, if that is true, he’s too STUPID to serve in Congress.

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Meg Whitman appeared with former New York governor Rudy Giulani at a fundraiser today in California.   (Wonder if Giulani commented that it was just 29 days away from the ninth anniversary of 9/11?.)

Whitman, however, turned down an offer to attend another fundraising event this week in Anaheim with Sarah Palin.  Meg’s campaign said they had “competing events.”  No doubt.  Given Palin’s California approval ratings, Whitman would probably rather stay home and clean her house.

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Beginnings and endings.

January 6, 2010

Mike Shanahan appears to be ready to accept the job as coach of the Washington Redskins. For non-sports fans, this is essentially the equivalent of signing on to be the fifth trophy wife of a billionaire. The odds favor the contract being dissolved, but you can profit nicely on the pre-nup.

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The Big Unit, Randy Johnson, retired tonight after 22 seasons. He received a number of phone calls, texts and emails from fellow athletes, including one from Brett Favre. Which simply said “The first time is the hardest.”

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Game time temperature was 48 degrees in Miami for the Orange Bowl. But the Iowa Hawkeyes prevailed, despite the blazing heat. (Note to non-midwesterns, game time temp in Iowa City, minus 1 degrees, wind chill to -12.)

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USC penalized their basketball program themselves after an internal investigation into recruiting violations regarding O.J. Mayo. In related news, the investigation into payments made to former Trojan Reggie Bush continues, and the NCAA hopes to wrap it up before Bush retires from the NFL.

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The FAA suspended all flights in and out of Bakersfield airport Tuesday after “hazardous material” was found in luggage there. Americans were shocked. Bakersfield has an airport?

(note, the hazardous substance turned out to be honey. seriously. the weight loss fanatics are taking over…)

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San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary said in a post-season news conference that his team is “just a few players away.” Unfortunately, those players are Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Ronnie Lott.

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In the category of “wish I’d written this,” from Jerry Perisho:
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South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford’s memoir about dealing with her husband’s affair will be released in February, rather than May as originally planned.… Mark Sanford’s Argentine mistress said, “A typical Sanford, always finishing early.”

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Amateur football, college and otherwise…..

November 10, 2009

In their loss to the Tennessee Titans Sunday, the San Francisco 49ers committed four turnovers. Four turnovers??! About the only thing that didn’t get dropped was Mike Singletary’s pants.

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The University of Oregon has reinstated running back LeGarrette Blount, who punched a Boise State player, and was originally suspended for the season..

Blount’s first game back with the Ducks will be Saturday against Arizona State. Apparently there were several factors involved in the decision, including Blount’s apology, his recent good behavior, and just possibly, Oregon’s loss to Stanford.

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University of Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez makes about $2.5 million a year. Unversity of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman makes about half a million a year. And the worst disparity…this year the University’s academic programs are still nationally ranked.

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Today’s BCS standings: Oregon at #16 after they lost 51-42 to Stanford, USC at 10 after they beat ASU 14-9. Both teams with two losses. Shame there aren’t any head to head matchup numbers… Oh wait, the Ducks beat the Trojans 47-20. And we wonder why the U.S. has a bad reputation with math.

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Young people have a limited sense of history these days. For example upon hearing that it was the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, many San Francisco area teenagers asked “Did Berlin use CalTrans to do their work too?”

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commie pinko alert.

Joe Lieberman is so against a “public option” that he may filibuster the healthcare bill. If he feels so strongly about it why doesn’t he take a principled stand and renounce his OWN government healthcare? And then buy a competitive plan for himself and his family from the private sector….

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