Archive for August 2009

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Hits and no hits.

August 11, 2009

At a recent Nationals-Diamondbacks game, a violinist played the National Anthem on a violin made from a bat. The crowd went wild. Nats and Dbacks fans are thrilled to see ANYONE do something useful with a bat.

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For any frustrated San Francisco fans reading this, the same joke works to substitute Giants too.

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Manny Ramirez has not been quite as effective since since he returned from his 50 game drug suspension. A Dodgers source attributes it to his being hit on the hand recently. Sure, not like it could be anything else.

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The long-haired flaky and often illogical Los Angeles slugger has indicated he is a little frustrated with his post-suspension performance. But apparently if this baseball thing doesn’t work out Manny thinks he has a chance to replace Paula on American Idol.
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Britney Spears won a lifetime achievement award at the Teen Choice awards. Mostly because at this point it’s an achievement that she’s still alive.

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The U.S. may have finally come up with a way to get Osama bin Laden. Trade him to the Mets. He’ll be out of commission in no time.

Jessica Simpson was in Japan during a magnitude 6.6 quake that hit early Tuesday morning. She tweeted. “Thought I was hallucinating.” Actually, Jessica, it’s not an either/or question.
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Actually the quake might have been more powerful, but there are rumors Jessica distracted it.

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From Alex Kaseberg, wish I had written this.

Chicago Blackhawks star, Patrick Kane, was arrested for beating a Buffalo cab driver because he didn’t have 20 cents change for Kane. Kane brings an entirely new and ugly meaning to cheapskate.
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What else could the President do wrong?

August 9, 2009

Okay, the commie-pinko joke first, not that our President is perfect. But….

If the President announced a plan to cure cancer, the Republican headline response would be “Obama plans to put thousands of doctors out of work.”

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Manny Ramirez and the Los Angeles Dodgers are coming to San Francisco for the first time since his 50 day suspension for a female fertility drug. In Manny’s honor, all ice cream vendors will also be giving out free pickles.

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Will Manny’s “walk-up” music in SF be “Having my baby?”

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O.J. Simpson’s attorneys have been trying so far unsuccessfully that Simpson be granted bail while he appeals his armed-robbery and kidnapping convictions.

Apparently the lawyers have yet to convince the judge that O.J. won’t cut and run.

The lowly Washington Nationals have actually won eight games in a row. Not that it means they will end up with a great season. But at least their games are now being broadcast without the disclaimer “parental discretion advised.”

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The U.S. birth rate dropped two percent in 2008. Some experts attribute it to the recession, some to the decline in immigration, and still others to the fact that Travis Henry is currently incarcerated.

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As if they could forget….

August 8, 2009

The Cubs are still upset about the old goat the Florida Marlins paraded in front of their clubhouse in a recent series, which was meant as a joke to remind Chicago of their curse. But it’s not like the Cubs haven’t seen an old goat on the field this year, they did play an inter-league game with the Tigers and their manager Jim Leyland.

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The San Diego Chargers fined cornerback Antonio Cromartie $2500 for his Twitter message criticizing the training camp food. Today his teammate Shawne Merriman tweeted that he “thought the food was AMAZING today.”

Yeah, apparently for some reason they had over $2000 more in the catering budget

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Kate Gosselin will appear on Monday’s “Today” show Monday for her first television interview since she and Jon announced they were separating. The presume interview topic? How media attention damaged their marriage.
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Former Alaska Governor and Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin called President Barack Obama’s health plan “downright evil” Friday.

Reason number 362 that Americans prefer reality shows to politics. On a reality show, when you vote someone off, they go away.

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Florida Senator Mel Martinez announced he is retiring immediately from the Senate, as opposed to waiting until his term ends in 2010. How times have changed, Years ago it would have been “What’s wrong with his health?” Now it’s “What did he do.”

Or as Jerry Perisho says “Who did he do?”

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What a year, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, now Mel Martinez. And lesser-known others. Is it about time to rework the standard oath of office in the United States..?.

Suggested new text: “and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter,” until I decide that I feel like doing something else, or unless I get indicted,

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How do you Twitter that Twitter is down…?

August 7, 2009

Twitter and Facebook were both down on Thursday morning. In a stunning development, millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

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Twitter and Facebook were both down for a while Thursday morning. Which meant that millions of Americans had to remember how to drive with both hands on the wheel.

Our appendixes have evolved into a useless body part over the years. Does that mean if Twitter, texts, Facebook and other sites continue to grow, that someday vocal cords will be in the same category.

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Twitter was shut down this morning when their servers were overwhelmed by an attack. Either that or it was Joe Biden trying to share one of his speeches, 140 characters at a time.

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Bud Black, manager of the last place San Diego Padres, just signed a contract extension for 2010. Black professed himself “excited and flattered.” The Padres said they were excited and flattered that anyone would take the job.

Question for the day. If so many over-the-counter supplements are tainted with steroids, why don’t more Americans appear to be in better shape?

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One argument against steroids is that they take away from otherwise level playing field in Major League Baseball. In other news, today, the Yankees traded for yet another $2 million backup starting pitcher.

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David Ortiz will call a press conference Saturday to discuss his positive 2003 test results. Early favorites in the pool include “a tainted supplement,” “borrowed from a teammate” and “I forget how speak English.”

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Guillermo Mota of the Dodgers and Prince Fielder of the Brewers were both fined after Mota hit Fielder with a pitch Wednesday, and the Milwaukee first basemanl tried to come after the pitcher in the Los Angeles dugout. One question to Mota, who apparently hit Fielder in retaliation for Manny Ramirez being grazed by a pitcher earlier.. “if you were going for payback, wouldn’t it have been smarter not to hit the biggest player on the team?”

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From Bill Littlejohn.

Antigua’s highest peak was renamed Mount Obama, after the U.S. President. Before the Gates-Crowley affair, it was just a molehill”

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Obama and Congress…

August 6, 2009

A Republican Senator, Chuck Grassley, said that President Obama doesn’t know how Congress works. How ridiculous. Senator Grassley thinks Congress actually works?

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Eli Manning has just signed a six-year $97 million contract with the New York Giants. Amazing. He will earn almost half what his brother does on commercials.

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And although overall travel is down, an increasingly lucrative business for U.S. airlines is collecting ticket change fees when customers change their minds. Over $2 billion a year. Which is means a potential great airline endorsement contract for Brett Favre.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has been revisiting the his 2006 affair with his friend and campaign manager’s wife? Specifically he has said in two magazine profiles: “There’s a story that’s never been told…Things were much more benign than they actually appeared in print.”

Is this man reading from the same damage control playbook as Mark Sanford??

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Speaking of playbooks, several NFL teams have banned fans and reporters from Tweeting during training-camp practices, including the Detroit Lions. Yeah, I could see how the Lions would hate for anyone to steal any of their secrets for success.

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Inspired by the very funny Jerry Perisho, who noted that a survey finds that men spend on average 43 minutes a day ogling the opposite sex, while women spend 20 minutes.

And that women’s number would be a lot lower if they didn’t count all the time Sarah Palin spends watching Russians from her house.

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Bill Clinton rescues the journalists….

August 4, 2009

North Korea has pardoned the two U.S. journalists. Proving once again, there is no one better than Bill Clinton if the objective is going after two women.

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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in the decision to send her husband to North Korea. Can you imagine that conversation. “So let me get this straight, you want me to go over there and see if I can pick up two girls?”

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A recent survey in China shows that that prostitutes are more trusted than government officials. Should anyone be surprised, at least prostitutes provide value for money when they screw the public.

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The Packers will not rule out interest in Michael Vick. Makes sense, in Green Bay the bar has been raised on embarrassing quarterbacks.

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Paula Abdul announced she won’t return to American Idol. Apparently since both Kara Dioguardi and Ryan Seacrest have signed, Paula has decided she can no longer take being the third prettiest on the show.

Paula Abdul announced her decision in a Tweet. Give Paula credit for figuring out Twitter. It takes some work to be rambling and incoherent in only 140 characters.

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The San Francisco Giants have a 37-16 home record but are only 22-32 in away games. Which means they look great at home, but are a real mess on the road. The team may not make the playoffs, but they have an offer to throw out a first pitch from Governor Sanford.

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Bomb scare….

August 3, 2009

Flights from La Guardia were delayed when a bomb was reportedly found in the airport. But it was a false alarm. Turns out “Land of the Lost” won’t even be out on DVD for months.

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The Post Office is considering closing over 700 branches. The list was sent today to the Postal Regulatory Commission by email.

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The state of Michigan is willing to house Guantanamo Bay prisoners. Not only do they have unused maximum security prison facilities, the state has a surefire way to keep the toughest prisoners in line – threatening to show them Detroit Lions game tapes.

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This is a repeat, but a timely one.

Did you hear about the Plaxico Burress cocktail? Just one very expensive shot.

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It looks like Michael Jackson may have died because of a strong sleep inducing drug prescribed by his doctor. This tragedy could have been averted, had they only known of Jackson’s insomnia, the White House could have sent over some Joe Biden tapes.

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Senator John McCain has announced he will not vote for Sonia Sotomayer as he does not believe she is qualified to be a Surpreme Court judge. Well, and who could question McCain’s qualifications for choosing competent women?

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McCain has apparently fallen in love with Twitter. Maybe the real reason he is against the nomination is that “Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor” takes up too many characters?

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Another comment on the Gates-Crowley story, from the very funny Alex Kaseberg.
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You know guys are going to take this concept and run with it. “No, honey, I’m not drinking with the boys, I am involved in an important beer summit.”

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You cannot make this stuff up…again.

August 2, 2009

Both of these items from this post are true. From an unnamed midwestern state. Names changed in the second to protect…well, maybe this girl from her parents.

Item one. A package of peanuts in the shell from “Sweet Nut-things” Gift Shoppe. Ingredients list: Peanuts, salt.

But in a box on the label “Allergy information: This product was handled/manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts and other tree nuts.”

No kidding.

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The second is a bit sad. Let’s call the girl Susie Q. This is a 1/12 page ad in a metropolitan newspaper. NOTHING below has been exaggerated, only a few lines, mostly of identifying details, have been left out.

The headline “Local Young Lady Competes for the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City.”

The ad.

“Hi, my name is Susie Q. I am eight years old. I will be in 4th grade, I enjoy learning and playing with exotic birds with My Grandma. I am very creative and opinionated with ideas. I have participated as a cheerleader and took 2nd place at nationals. My role model is Gabriella Montez AKA Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical. I would like to thank you in advance for your time and support.

I was recently selected to participate in Nationals’ 2009 Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City pageant.”

Then the ad abruptly switches to third person.

“Susie Q learned of her acceptance as Nationals Inc announced their selections on Monday. Susie Q will be competing for her share of thousands of dollars in prizes and specialty gifts. Susie will be competing in the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen division, which will have young ladies competing in modeling routings which include casual wear and formal wear. Most important, Susie will display her personality and interviewing skills.

If Susie were to win the title, she would represent the city and surrounding communities at the Cities of America National Competition in Orlando, Florida. Over $60,000 in prizes and awards will be presented while each winner enjoys this expense paid trip of five nights and six days.

There is no cost to Susie Q for participating. Community business, organizations, and private individuals will assist Susie in participatng by becoming an official sponsor to her. Through sponsorship, each contestant receives all the necessary training, rehearsals, and financial support which will allow Susie to become a very confident and well-prepared contestant in this years city pageant.

Any business, organization, or private individual who may be interested in becoming a sponser may contact Susie Q’s pageant coordinator at 1-800-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you again for your suppprt. Susie Q.”

There is also a picture of a girl with her hair piled on her head in an up-do, holding a rose.

I actually grew up a big Miss America fan, and more power to women if they can use them for scholarships etc. Susie Q is EIGHT YEARS OLD.

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Testing, one, two, three, 104, testing…

August 1, 2009

In this summer forty years after the Apollo 11 moon landing, names keep oozing out from those 2003 steroid tests. And with all this focus on the past, I have a question. If Americans could put men on the moon, do people seriously think we don’t have the ingenuity to have come up with a currently undetectable Performance Enhancing drug?

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For all those who want to rework the record books, we may need a little color coding on our asterisks.

As in one category for “steroid using hitter against steroid using pitcher.”

Another for “steroid using hitter against clean pitcher.”

And “clean hitter against steroid using pitcher.”

And of course, “clean against clean.”

And while we are at it, as mentioned earlier. How about green asterisks for amphetamines, white asterisks for players from the segregated era, black for pine tar, beige for cork….

Tacky joke alert.

In the NBC – National Baseball Congress – tournament, the summer college world series, the Alaska Goldpanners are playing the Liberal Bee Jays. Not named for a bird. Just the letters. Wonder if Sarah Palin and Bill Clinton will both show up to throw out the first pitch.

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And Minnesota Vikings quarterback Tavaris Jackson was injured in a pre-season scrimmage. If it’s serious, wonder where the Vikings could pick up someone at the last minute who has shown any interest in playing in Minnesota?

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It’s almost T.O time…

August 1, 2009

Terrell Owens doesn’t yet have his first catch as a Buffalo Bill, but he has his own cereal, T.O’s “Honey Toasted Oat”s, made by the same New York company that made “Flutie Flakes.” They chose Toasted Oat cereal because T.O. and Flake were redundant.

The cereal has sold well, and apparently tastes great. The worry is that you wake up later with a headache and wonder, “What was I thinking??

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Honda had to recall over 400,000 cars because of a safety issue with their airbags. U.S. automakers have a different safety strategy, “Don’t have anyone drive your cars.”
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A Japanese astronaut on the space station has taken part in an experiment by wearing the same pair of underwear for an entire month. Big deal, say residents of fraternity houses across America.

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