Left Coast Sports Babe

Ozzie Guillen today said he saw Little Leagues play better than the White Sox. Which is ridiculous. Better than the Mets, maybe.

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The latest from the Pacific 10 in terms of scandals. Several football players at the University of Michigan have claimed the school is violating NCAA rules by making them spend far more that the mandatory limits on hours for practice and offseason training. And especially during the season they spent more than 20 hours a week on football activities.

One bright side here in terms of future deterrents, unlike some recent scandals where a team benefited hugely from an illegal player or academic practice, Michigan was 3-9 in 2008. Maybe the team would have been better off with more hours partying.

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Though I wonder what’s more laughable. The idea that Michigan cheated for a total of 3 wins. Or the idea that any major D1 football program has players spend only 20 hours a week on football related activities?

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Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times had an observation that Stanford fans may, or may not, enjoy on that new $50,000 donated bathroom for coach Jim Harbaugh’s office. You could spin it as the Cardinal having the season’s first bowl commitment.

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In our nation’s capital this week, most everyone is on vacation. Which means about as much gets done as in an average Washington week.

A T &T is coming under fire for its policy not to rehire employees over 40 who had previously retired. They may lose in the courts, on the other hand they are likely to become the official phone company of the Green Bay Packers.

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No one quite knows what Brett Favre’s role will be on the Vikings. One thing is for sure, they’re not going to let him anywhere NEAR the coin toss…..

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Wherever Plaxico Burress ends up in prison, he will be a highly prized recruit for the inmates’ football team. When asked if he would consider playing football in prison, Plaxico reportedly answered that he would take a shot at it.

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Plaxico Burress accepted a two year prison sentence sentence when he pled guilty to a weapons charge after accidentally shooting himself at a New York nightclub. Well, at least he answered that old question. “Is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

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USC’s top-ranked football team at least temporarily has already lost four starters to pre-season injuries. This could completely alter the players’ fall plans – they might actually have to go to class..

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Scientists used a CT scan on a 2,500 year old mummy at Stanford hospital, in preparation for an exhibition “Very Postmortem, Mummies and Medicine,” that will open in October in San Francisco. Apparently the scan revealed many fascinating details, including the fact he was buried holding a Brett Favre rookie card.

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South African runner Caster Semenya is facing questions about her gender after winning the 800 meter race at the World Championships. Apparently the question came up after she put on a new track suit and didn’t ask anyone “Do these pants make me look fat?”

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Oakland Raiders fans are equally divided over reports that their coach Tom Cable may have fought with an assistant coach and fractured the man’s jaw. Half think the coach should be suspended and the other half think the Raiders should sign him to play defense.
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The Florida Marlins have gotten at least 10 hits per game for 15 consecutive games. Meanwhile, the San Francisco Giants have gotten 10 hits in a week for 15 consecutive weeks.

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Manager Bruce Bochy of the Giants said he was not happy with his team’s approach to hitting. Which really surprised the players – their manager thinks they HAVE an approach to hitting?

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Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez remain an item. Rumor has it Kate is a little frustrated by how much time baseball takes in A-Rod’s life, but he has assured her that he will have a lot more free time by the middle of October.

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The Minnesota Vikings are giving Brett Favre over $20 million for two years. Although based on his performance with the Jets they are getting a subsidy under the “Cash for Clunkers” program.

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Commie pinko alert on the next joke:

While in the midst of his latest rant against healthcare reform, Rush Limbaugh made a tacky homosexual joke about Barney Frank. Guess Rush is a little testy about the fact that with reform, it will be harder for him to get his drugs from his maid.

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T.O. will be unable to play in Sunday’s preseason games for the Bills due to a sprained toe. Which means next week he will complain only half as much as usual about Edwards not getting him the ball.

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Hailey Glassman, met Jon Gosselin when she was 19 and her father gave Kate a “tummy tuck.” Now the 22 year old woman calls the Octodad her “first love.” But not, presumably, her last.

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From Bill Littlejohn
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At the University of Florida in Gainesville, 200,000 Brazilian free-tail bats were left homeless when a “bat house” built for them collapses.There haven’t been this many displaced Florida bats since the last Marlins fire sale.

So Michael Vick has ended up with the Eagles. Apparently Philadelphia fans will greet him with boos, derisive comments, and personal attacks. In other words, just like one of the regular team.

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Whatever else they might say about the Eagles this year, at least no one can say they’ve gone to the dogs.

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Yet another example of why, as hard as I might try to write a punchline, sometimes there is no substitute for reality:

At a South Carolina town hall this week, a man angrily told his Congressman to keep your government hands off my Medicare.”

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And the “why do we care” saga goes on. This week police were called to Jon and Kate’s home, apparently over a dispute involving a babysitter.

Next up “Jon and Kate, Litig 8”

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From an anonymous but very funny friend:

So John Edwards apparently fathered a child while running for President:

Former Senator Gary Hart said “he was shocked that anyone would show such disregard for being in the national spotlight”

Governor Mark Sanford said that he “coulldn’t believe that anyone would show such disregard for their family.”

And Bill Clinton said “Does anyone have her phone number??”

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What about all those people who donated to Edwards’ presidential campaign? Maybe it’s some consolation to have been in the pilot program – “Cash for clunker.”

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An Illinois man has been sentenced to six months in jail after a judge found him in contempt of court for yawning loudly during his cousin’s sentencing hearing. If yawning becomes a crime then the government had better increase police presence during Biden’s speeches.

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A Cubs fan was arrested at Wrigley Field after throwing a beer on Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino. Say what you want about New York but this would never happen at Yankee Stadium. Beer is far too expensive.

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JetBlue Airways is offer an $599 “all-you-can-jet” pass. From Sept 8 to Oct. 8, buyers will be able to book an unlimited amount of flights. No word yet on how many of those flights will actually take off.
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Sarah Palin, who claimed Obama’s healthcare plan would institute ‘death squads” has now called for “civil discourse” on the subject. Isn’t this like Mark Sanford defending traditional marriage? Oh, never mind.

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The Philadelphia Phillies have at least temporarily replaced 46 year old Jamie Moyer in the rotation with 37 year old Pedro Martinez. Which is crazy, the Phillies are in a pennant race – shouldn’t they go with experience?

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I admit, I have a soft spot for Jamie Moyer. In the same way that Tom Watson almost shot his age at the British Open, Moyer might be the first major leaguer to have his age equal his pitch speed.

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Regarding Congress’s plan to buy more private jets for their own travel: If they were going to buy them from GM, Ford and Chrysler executives, did they think the purchase would somehow have qualified under the “Cash for Clunkers” program?

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A recent study found that over 40 percent of Tweets are “pointless babble.” Ladies and gentlemen, introducing your new Twitter spokesperson – Paula Abdul.

Thought for the day. With the U.S. unemployment rate around 10 percent, how come so many idiots still have jobs?
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Michael Vick’s agent said there is “no chance” Vick signs with the Redskins. Or as “no chance” means in Brett Favre lexicon – “definitely maybe.”

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But actually, lets take him at his word.

Michael Vick’s agent says there is no chance the disgraced quarterback signs with the Redskins. Yeah, with a record of scandal like his the only way Vick ends up in Washington is if he is elected.

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Brighter news from Washington, the Nationals are playing more respectably recently, and even had an eight game winning streak. Why, if they go 42 and 7 in their last 49 games, they could even finish at .500.

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The new UFL (United Football League) team in San Francisco is owned by Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. It will be named the San Francisco Redwoods. Wonder where he got that idea? The trees are an ageless attraction in Northern California and even when at their oldest become beautiful petrified wood.
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On the other hand, the Las Vegas UFL team will be known as the “Las Vegas Locomotives.” Locomotives? No one has thought about trains in Las Vegas since Starlight Express.

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“In the new film ‘Julie and Julia’, Julie Child, who was 6′ 2″, is played by Meryl Streep, who is 5’6″. Who did the cinematography? Tom Cruise’s wedding photographer?

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From Bill Littlejohn , who gets an assist on the premise for the above joke:

Archaeologists believed that they have found the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman Emperor who built the Colosseum.They’ve narrowed it down to two hospitals in Honolulu”

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Finally, I didn’t write this, and I don’t know who did. It was told to me by a friend from Nashville. If you are easily offended stop reading now.

Farrah Fawcett died last month and immediately went to heaven. God said to her, “Farrah, you have have done amazing work on earth, what can I do for you now in heaven?” And Farrah said, “God, please save the children.”

And God said, “Poof. Here’s Michael Jackson.”