Posted tagged ‘San Jose Sharks jokes’

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Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

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V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

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The longest two minutes in sports?

May 23, 2011

For San Jose Sharks fans it was during the second period against the Canucks Sunday.

(For non-hockey fans, the Vancouver Canucks scored three goals in about 1 minute and 55 seconds enroute to a 5-3 win. And yes, that’s rare.)

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Sharks goalie Antti Niemi only had 14 shots on goal, and let 5 of them in.  Maybe the Sharks should have just played the game with an empty net and been on a nonstop power play.

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Meanwhile, over in the NBA… The only people outside South Florida who are rooting for the Heat these days might be in the Bronx. Because if the Heat win they may at least temporarily take the title from the Yankees of the “most hated team in America.”

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The reengineered 3D version of “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel “On Stranger Tides” took in a record $256.3 million internationally at the box office this weekend. So much for those who say the U.S. only IMPORTS silly action figures.

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Alex Tagliani became the first Canadian to win the pole at the Indianapolis 500. Stand by next Sunday for “Gentlemen, start your engines, eh?”

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And okay, did more people have Butler and VCU in the NCAA men’s basketball final four than the team with the best current record in major league baseball?    As of today that would be  the Cleveland Indians – 29 and 15.

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Meanwhile, the first place San Francisco Giants are doing it with smoke, mirrors, and usually REALLY good pitching.   Even after Sunday’s 5-4 win in extra innings, the team has scored fewer runs  – 160 – than any team in the National League.  (Really, you could look it up.)

Only the Seattle Mariners (159) and Minnesota Twins (147)  have scored fewer runs in all of baseball.  And the Twins are coming to SF for interleague play.  Which could mean the first baseball series decided by penalty kicks.

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Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis says crime will increase if the NFL doesn’t play games this year, because “There’s nothing else to do.” Is he talking about for the fans or the players?”

(and of course it has to be Ray Lewis saying this, as my friend Alex Kaseberg put it “Ray has already crossed ‘stab a guy to death’ off his bucket list”)

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Question of the week from another friend,  Jerry Perisho  “If the US Postal Service cycling team took performance enhancing drugs, why don’t we give it to postal carriers?

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Volcanoes, Sharks, and other disasters.

April 20, 2010

Note to all San Jose Sharks fans. When you yell and scream for your team to score a goal, it’s important to be specific!!

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The San Jose Sharks have now scored three dramatic game-winning goals in the first three games against the Colorado Avalanche. Unfortunately, two of them were past their own goalie.

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The NFL draft starts this Thursday. But to maximum television revenue, rounds two and three won’t take place until Friday, and rounds four through seven will be delayed until Saturday. And they say major league baseball games take too long.

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Anthony McCoy, a potential second or third round draft pick out of USC, was academically ineligible to play for the Trojans in this year’s Emerald Bowl. Now he just tested positive for marijuana.

Now the question who will get to him first in the draft, the Oakland Raiders or the New York Jets?

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Regardng that volcano and the cancelled flights – wonder if they’re talking at Carnival Cruise Lines about rebranding their ships as the “Fun way across the Atlantic?”

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So apparently loans from a lot of big foreign banks like Citi and Deutsche Banke were partly to blame for Iceland’s financial collapse in 2008. If so, this volcano could be considered some serious karmic revenge.

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Thought for day. Even the worst airline across the Atlantic beats NO airlines across the Atlantic.

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Back in the U.S, five major domestic airlines agreed not to charge for carry-ons. No word on if the agreement – A- is valid beyond the end of April, 2010, or B – doesn’t preclude “carry-ons” soon being classified as “nothing bigger than a breadbasket.

And why, when I hear that promise not to charge, am I reminded of the scene in “Airplane” where the deranged air traffic controller temporarily pulls the plug on the airline runway lights, then puts it back in and laughs “just kidding.”

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Sharks attacked?

April 15, 2010

Th San Jose Sharks opened yet another playoff series with a loss. And while it’s too late to change names now, maybe it might have been useful to remember, as impressive as their namesake was most of the way through Jaws, the shark killers did win in the end.

New San Jose Sharks playoff slogan for their fans? “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

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In the meantime for fans looking for better news in the San Francisco area, the Giants’ magic number is 151.

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Scary thought for the day – Tiger Woods is only 34 years old. What will he do for a midlife crisis?

KFC’s new “Double Down” sandwich features two fried chicken patties instead of bread. They aren’t a bun, they’re death panels.

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KFC actually has a “healthier” version of the “Double Down” sandwich, with the bacon, cheese and “Colonel’s sauce” sandwiched between two pieces of grilled chicken. With all due respect, maybe people looking for a bacon, cheese and sauce sandwich aren’t going to be listing “healthy” as a top priority?

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The first braille porn book is out. Playboy has had a braille edition for years, but it has included only the written part. If the braille porn book sells and starts a trend, blind Playboy readers too can join in the great American male chorus: “But I only get it for the articles.”

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Elizabeth Taylor denies she is getting married for the ninth time. Note, it’s not necessarily that she’s denying getting married. It’s just that, like John McCain with his houses, she doesn’t remember how many marriages she has had.
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This next joke may not make sense to anyone under 40…but what the heck.

Today, April 15th, would have been the late Elizabeth Montgomery’s 76th birthday, who is best known for playing Samantha on the long-running television comedy “Bewitched.” At this point, Elizabeth would have been old enough that even she wouldn’t remember the difference between Dick Sargent and Dick York.

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April 15 also would have been Leonardo Da Vinci’s 557th birthday. And curiously enough the anniversary of his first appearance on the Larry King show.

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Sarah Palin has apparently made $12 million since leaving office as governor of Alaska. So when she asks ‘How’s that hopey-changey thing working out for ya?”, her own answer has to be “pretty darn well.”

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Swine flu, the Sharks, and other disasters..

April 30, 2009

Okay, this is a really really bad pun alert. But lets get it out of the way first.

While many Americans are cancelling their trips because of flu worries, knitting club has decided to go ahead with their plans to attend a knitting convention.  Their reason, they decided to put purls before swine.

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In affirming the FCC’s right to fine broadcasters who use the F-word on the airline,  Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia in his opinion referred to the “foul-mouthed glitterari from Hollywood.”

As opposed to the foul-mouthed glittering former Vice President?  (Who in 2004 famously told Senator Patrick Leahy to  “f**k himself.”)

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President Obama was asked if we should close our borders with Mexico.

Like we could do that?

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Nostalgia is a relative thing.  These days, it’s about thinking of those trips to Mexico where you most worried about getting Montezuma’s revenge.

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After yet another early round playoff ouster, should the San Jose Sharks change their name to the San Jose Oysters?    Because they can be great, but never in a month without an “R” in it.

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“April is the cruelest month.”  Who knew T.S. Eliot was a Sharks fan?”

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The state of Texas has suspended high school sports, including baseball and softball,  through  May 11.    Which most Texans think is unfortunate but not a disaster, as it would be if the swine flu hit during football season.

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If you think you had a bad day at work, imagine what it’s like working in the Mexican Tourism Office.

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Taylor Hicks, the season five winner on American Idol, appeared on the show tonight and delivered a, well,  decent performance.  He told the remaining contestants,  the secrets were song selection,  bringing your  “A” game,  and being lucky enough to have been a contestant on season five.

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Yovani Gallardo of the Milwaukee Brewers not only pitched a shutout against the Pittsburgh Pirate, he hit the game-winning solo home run.

Maybe the San Francisco Giants could figure out a way for this guy – he could bat cleanup.

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Another joke that may only make sense to grouchy San Francisco Giants fans.   What can you say about Fred Lewis in left field?  Only that he makes fans think wistfully about the last few years of the defensive talents of Barry Bonds.

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The amazing Susan Boyle…

April 17, 2009

By now most of the world has seen and heard the marvellous Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent.  (By the way, hard to believe, but she is the same age as Princess Diana would be, had she lived.)

Simon Cowell was clearly enraptured watching Susan Boyle sing.  In fact, Simon hadn’t looked that approving since he last shaved in front of a mirror.

 

– okay, this one is tacky – but –

Susan Boyle has become an instant celebrity.  Nobody’s become that famous before  just by opening their mouth since Monica Lewinsky.

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The number one-seeded San Jose Sharks lost their first playoff game Thursday night.   Not to say the Sharks are beginning to resemble a certain jinxed baseball team, but they are starting to refer to their arena – HP Pavilion – as the “Friendly Confines.”

 

Nadya Suleman is apparently trying to trademark the name “Octomom”  Guess the term “Psychomom” was already taken.

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The San Francisco Giants are 2-7 after losing their last six games in a row.  To be fair, there are only three things wrong with the team  – hitting, pitching and defense.

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Meg Whitman,  the former Ebay CEO running for Governor of California, has touted her skills with numbers and budgets.  And she  said today that “”On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is really hard, being governor of California is a 12.”

12 on a scale of 1 to 10.  So what happens when things get really difficult with numbers?

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Hillary Clinton is offering a date with her husband to one lucky person who helps contribute to pay off her campaign debt.  And Bill said, “Honey, if you’d just let me help this way last year, we could have won this election.”

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