Posted tagged ‘Newt jokes’

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What’s in a name?

January 21, 2012

The Cleveland Indians pitcher formerly known as Fausto Carmona apologized for lying about his name and his age. After Leo Nunez of the Marlins was caught doing the same thing. If they are ever traded for each other it could be the first trade solely involving two players to be named later.

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Brilliant analysis from New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on his website, “The team that’s going to win this weekend is the team that plays the best.”

How weird is this NBA season? Tonight the Lakers lost to the Magic, and the Clippers lost to the T’Wolves. And the Clippers’ loss was more surprising.

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Although he hasn’t read it and says he won’t read it, Tiger Woods is already ripping former coach Hank Haney’s upcoming book about him: “I think people understand that this book is about money.” And Tiger’s point is?

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Tiger Woods claims he has not read the upcoming book by his former coach Hank Haney, but he is already criticizing it.

Sort of like those GOP candidates who say they haven’t seen their Super PAC commercials but can describe them word for word.

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So in conservative South Carolina, Mitt Romney may lose to a serial adulterer who told one of his wives he wanted an open marriage. To paraphrase Sally Field, Mitt should be thinking – “You don’t like me, you REALLY don’t like me.”

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Newt Gingrich says he was just misunderstood. He still does mean that marriage is between one man and one woman. He just meant to qualify that with “in bed, at the same time.”

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All this controversy about Gingrich wanting an open marriage. Newt already HAD an open marriage, he just wanted Marianne’s permission.

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The St. Louis Rams have announced they will play a regular season game in London in each of the next three NFL seasons. And from “across the pond” come the cries “Hey mates, haven’t we suffered enough?”

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Only 30 days until pitchers and catchers report. So, okay Cubs fans, time to order those “Countdown to elimination clocks.”

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Newt Gingrich said of our President – “He’s likeable. I would never beat Obama in a personality contest.” Yes, but the scary thing for the GOP…Gingrich does beat Mitt Romney in a personality contest.

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The blond hostess who was seen drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank is denying rumors they were romantically involved. She told an Italian paper he always was showing pictures of his daughter and that “A man who wants a lover does not behave like that.”

Uh, not saying the two were or they weren’t involved. But Bill Clinton doted on Chelsea.

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From Michael Hayne: “If Mitt Romney wants to get rid of Newt Gingrich, he just needs to become seriously ill and Newt will leave.”

And from Marc Ragovin, a last word on Tim Tebow.

Here’s a way to describe “passes completed/attempts” in a typical Tebow game: Tim 3:16

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Send in the clowns.

December 16, 2011

Newt Gingrich believes people can choose to be straight, just like they can “choose to be celibate.” And somewhere Newt’s gay sister is thinking “Too bad you can’t choose your relatives.”

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Newt Gingrich is referring now to Palestinians as an “invented people.” (Even though pictures have re-surfaced of Newt in 1993 embracing Yasser Arafat.) Well, at this point many people on both sides of the aisle consider Newt an “invented candidate.”

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Ndamukong Suh walked out of a radio interview with the Detroit Lions’ station this week. Well, silver lining for the hosts, at least he didn’t stomp out.

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Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating Person of 2011” turned out to be Steve Jobs, who died earlier this year. Although had Steve stlll been alive, sharing the stage and the list with the Kardashians might have killed him.

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Newt Gingrich keeps talking how if he gets the GOP nomination, he will beat challenge President Obama by challenging him to seven three-hour debates. Really? In seven three-hour debates, Gingrich will undoubtedly change at least a position or two. If not a wife.

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Rick Perry at tonight’s GOP debate compared himself to Tim Tebow. And a voice from the heavens boomed down – “Governor, I know Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow is a friend of Mine, and Governor, you’re no Tim Tebow.”

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Chris Paul at a news conference today – “I’m excited to be here in L.A. with this unbelievable franchise with so much history behind it.” So does Paul think that given the Clippers’ history there is nowhere to go but up? Or does he think he was traded to the Lakers.

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Chicago Bears WR Sam Hurd was arrested Wednesday night and apparently will be charged with serious drug dealing. Guess he found it tough feeding his family on only $685 thousand a year.

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Another you cannot make this “stuff” up quote from Christine O’Donnell as to why she endorsed Mitt Romney: “because he’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” (And John Kerry said, why didn’t I think of that?)

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Rick Perry on fidelity “I didn’t make a vow just to my wife. I also made a vow to God. I’m afraid of my wife. I’m not afraid of my wife as much as I’m afraid of God.” Just the kind of romantic declaration every woman wants to hear.

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If you thought Jerry Sandusky’s 1st lawyer was bad, how the newest member of the defense team Karl Rominger? Who said in his client’s defense “Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 would sound strange to some people, but actually people who work with troubled youth would tell you that there are a lot of (them) who have to be taught basic life skills, like how to put soap on your body.” Blech. Again, makes me want to take a shower, or rather bath.

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Holiday note to parents whose children like to kick the seats on planes. Put you or your spouse (or a sibling) in the seat in front of them. Peace on Earth. Or at least in the Air.

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What we have here is a failure to communicate….

November 17, 2011

Herman Cain’s latest “oops” minute, asking a crowd at Versailles restaurant “how do you say delicious in Cuban?” Michele Bachmann immediately came to his defense, saying she doubts even President Obama knows that many words in Cuban.

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Meanwhile, it is apparent watching Gabby Giffords that her cognitive skills are largely intact, but she is having serious trouble getting words and sentences out. Some think she shouldn’t run again for Congress, but hey, Gabby’s already ahead of certain candidates for the GOP presidential nomination.

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As Newt Gingrich becomes relevant in the GOP primary again, despite three marriages and admitted affairs, are there any other women with the same question I have? How did Newt find so many women who found him attractive?

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Meanwhile, Melania Trump told Joy Behar that her husband Donald will decide in the next few weeks whether to get back in the Presidential race. Guess the the Donald has seen Newt Gingrich’s surging poll numbers and decided it’s a good time for family values types on their third wives.

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At a recent campaign stop for Rick Perry, people were told that non-U.S. Citizens would not be allowed to enter. Apparently it was a misunderstanding. With that rule Perry would never be able to have an event catered by any restaurant.

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from T.C. Washington Nationals kidnap victim catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued this weekend in Venezuela. While in captivity, he overheard his abductors saying they weren’t interested in Terrell Owens either.

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For many Americans, especially baby-boomers, one result of the past week is that after over 30 years, the movie “Carrie” is no longer the standard for the most awful imagined shower scene.

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Mike McQueary, the assistant coach who said he saw Jerry Sandusky raping a young boy, now says he “stopped” the attack and did go to the police. Not sure who to believe at this point, but to paraphrase a line from Hamlet – “Something is rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.”

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Apparently former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been implicated as a client of a $800 a night call girl ring in northern France. Maybe his defense will be this was an example of a serious French stimulus package.
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The GOP controlled House of Representatives just passed a bill to dramatically expand the right to carry concealed firearms Well, concurrently with the Occupy movement what could possibly go wrong?

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Natalie Wisneski, former COO officer of the Fiesta Bowl, has been charged with filing false income tax returns for the bowl game. And faces campaign finance and conspiracy charges. Ah for the good old days when that might have been one of the biggest college football scandals of the year.

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Terry Francona withdrew his name from consideration for the Chicago Cubs managerial job. Apparently Terry feels that he’s a manager, not a miracle worker.

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In the “who cares” department, Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner have broken off their engagement, which they announced in August. On the bright side for those who like celebrity romance, their engagement did last longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

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Okay, guys who read this blog can ignore this one: People magazine has declared Bradley Cooper this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Please, can we just retire this competition and give the award permanently to George Clooney?

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Biting the dust.

June 10, 2011

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.

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Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.

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The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.

Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.

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Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.

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Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?

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Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.

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How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately?  Mario Mendova, were he still active,  could bat cleanup.

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An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.

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Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’

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And yes,  we’re not done with Weiner jokes.  (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)

Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”

Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?

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Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.

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