Posted tagged ‘Cubs jokes’

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Rush to judgment.

October 14, 2009

Apparently Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from the group of investors trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. This will help assure that the biggest losers associated with the Rams remain on the field.

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Regarding the opposition to letting Rush Limbaugh become a part-owner of the St. Louis Rams. To be fair, maybe the NFL felt it would be uncomfortable for Rush to be around all those liberals at the owners’ meetings.

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Yankees fans maintain their team has done so well this year, not because of their over $200 million payroll, but because of sound management. Yeah, and David Letterman would have still had all those women if he were a starving standup comic in Brooklyn.

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There are rumors that the Bills may trade T.O. to the Bears. Oh, come on, with the Olympics, Cubs and White Sox, haven’t sports fans in Chicago suffered enough?

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Today the San Francisco Giants fired their hitting coach. Which comes as a shock to most fans. The Giants HAD a hitting coach?

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John McCain’s chief campaign strategist said of their choice of Sarah Palin – “I believe to this day that had she not been picked as a vice presidential candidate, we would have never been ahead, not for one second, not for one minute, not for one hour, not for one day.”

Which is about as often as they ended up ahead with her.

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City officials of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are planning a bid to jointly host the 2020 Olympics. Says Marc Ragovin: “I’m telling ya, there is gonna be a lot of fallout over this.”

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Errors and omissions.

October 11, 2009

John McCain said not sending enough troops to Afghanistan would be “an error of historic proportions.”. And if anyone knows about historic errors, it’s the man who chose Sarah Palin for his running mate.

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A study says that people who experience traumatic events as children could see their life expectancy drop by as much as twenty years. This could mean an NC17 rating for Wrigley Field.

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The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Colorado Rockies in sub-freezing weather at Coors Field Sunday night. Apparently it was the coldest game anyone can remember in major league baseball since the Giants left Candlestick.

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The Phillies’ winning rally included a hit that should have been ruled a foul ball. Yet another blown call by the umps this postseason. Talk about game-change performances that SHOULD be sponsored by Pontiac.

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The Olympics have decided to add rugby and golf as sports in 2016. Well, it’s probably about time Tiger Woods got some international exposure.

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How bad are things for the Redskins? Folks in D.C. are starting to think about season tickets next year for the Nationals.

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For the 2-3 Redskins, all their losses have been their opponent’s first wins of the season. President Obama is considering asking the team to speak out against health care reform.

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Next up for the Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, 0-5 after going 0-4 in the preseason. If the Chiefs also beat the ‘Skins, on November 1, put your money on a first ever win “bye week.”

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The Cleveland Browns beat the Buffalo Bills 6-3. 6-3? Apparently it was so cold a hockey game broke out.

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White House Communication director Anita Dunn called Fox News, “a vehicle for Republican Party propaganda.” The station angrily denied the accusation – they prefer to think of the Republican Party as a vehicle for Fox News propaganda.

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A few midweek thoughts…

September 24, 2009

After being suspended for the rest of the season earlier this week, Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley apologized and said “I chose Chicago as a free agent because I wanted to be part of bringing a championship to the Cubs’ fans. ” That’s it, no more free agent signings in Chicago before sanity tests.

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by the way, this week’s posts so far written with a bad cold…. so apologies to any readers who think I have lost it. Of course, some may think I have never found it.
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The Nationals are, as of tonight, sitting on 99 losses, and almost certainly heading for their 100th. A record of futility unmatched in Washington, except maybe by Congress.

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How hopeless are the Nationals? Instead of asking Barack Obama to throw out next year’s first pitch, they are deciding between Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader.

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Also in Washington, a group of American Indians is asking the Supreme Court to declare that with their name, the Redskins defame Native Americans. If they are successful, PETA may ask the court to declare that the Bengals and Lions defame felines.

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After an IVF clinic made a mistake, an Ohio woman is giving birth to another couple’s biological child. And somewhere John Edwards is thinking, “Okay, I’m a good enough lawyer to somehow use that excuse….”

Commie pinko time…
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Another question for the tea-party/tea bagger types. Where’s all the outrage about taxpayer money going to fund NFL stadiums, and then the teams involved refusing to lift television blackout rules during the recession?

For that matter, while a lot of the tea-baggers are furious about the thought that lax oversight of any potential new health care reform laws might mean illegal immigrants get access to health insurance – where’s that same outrage about lax oversight of laws meaning those same illegals might get easy access to guns?

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In Sarah Palin’s Hong Kong speech, she told investors “I’m going to call it like I see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A.” Once again showing Walt’s genius in having Main Street lead directly to Fantasyland.

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Newlyweds and nearly-deads

September 16, 2009

George Takei and his partner Brad Altman, who were married last year, will be the first gay couple on “The Newlywed Game.” Good to see them “boldly go where no men have gone before.

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A Phillies fan became a national celebrity after he handed his 3 year old daughter a foul ball and she threw away. Who knew the girl wanted to play for the Pirates?
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A new study indicates that 50 year olds who suffer from chronic pain feel like they are 80 years old. Which means the most geriatic folks in the country probably have season tickets at Wrigley Field.

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Critics are complaining that the new Leno show is just like his old Tonight show. And their point is?

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Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay injured his foot during rehearsal for “Dancing with the Stars.” Apparently, whatever his partner suggested, Delay kept moving to the right.

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This year’s U.S. Open will be remembered in part because of all the pictures of a child running around the court. And besides Serena Williams, Kim Clijster’s daughter was also pretty cute.
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Former Laugh-In star Henry Gibson died today at the age of 73. Funeral services are pending but will no doubt feature large flowers, and “A poem, by Henry Gibson.”

from Bill Littlejohn, after tests indicated that a world-class athlete is both male and female: “Are they talking about Caster Semenya or Manny Ramirez?”

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Little League and other amateur baseball…

August 31, 2009

Congratulations to the boys from Chula Vista, a suburb of San Diego. They just won the Little League World Series. The team could end up with an invitiation to Petco Park, except that management is afraid they may beat the Padres.

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Joe Biden was honored at the Little League World Series. He was going to say a few words, but officials didn’t want the boys up past their bedtimes.

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Joe Biden was honored at the Little League World Series. He wanted to say a few words, but apparently the last time that happened at a Little League game, by the time he was done, some players needed to shave.

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The Chicago Cubs have been in free fall lately. Some attribute to the fact that on July 31, when the Cubs had a half-game lead over the Cardinals, the Marlins paraded a goat in front of the Chicago dugout. So it could be the Billy Goat Curse. Or it could be…. August.

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In 2010, Californians will elect a new governor. And a probable candidate, Jerry Brown. Yes, that Jerry Brown. Governor Moonbeam. How old is the guy? Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, hang it up already.”

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Happy Birthday to the great Art Spander. Besides being a great writer, he might be the only living sportswriter who was around to cover Favre’s first retirement.

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And from Bill Littlejohn, after quarterback Michael Vick got a rousing ovation in his Eagles debut from the notoriously tough Philadelphia crowd: “Maybe Santa Claus should get into dogfighting.”

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Giants hitting and other disasters.

August 29, 2009

Bill Gates says he and a team of scientists will patent a technology to stop hurricanes. I guess he thinks this is easier than first developing a technology to stop Windows from crashing?

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Why Tim Lincecum should, but probably won’t, win the Cy Young. A league leading 222 strikeouts, a 2.33 ERA, and a 13-4 record. All without the benefit of pitching against the Giants

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The Chicago Cubs have been struggling recently. Fortunately there is at least a temporary cure. It’s called “playing the New York Mets.”
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After Brett Favre signed, Minnesota players were asked about a potential “schism” on the team. Some said yes, others no, but the majority responded “Don’t know him, did we sign a new European placekicker too?”

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As Michael Crabtree continues his sulky contract holdout with the San Francisco 49ers, maybe it’s time to give the young man a nickname that reflects the contribution he may SOMEDAY make on an NFL field – “Michael Crabgrass.”

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As we wind down August….

August 28, 2009

This year, Matt Barkley will become the first true freshman to start at quarterback for USC. Though almost certainly not the first quarterback who will play without having attended class.
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Next week will be September, when MLB rosters expand and teams are able to bring their minor league prospects to the big leagues. Although at Citi Field, they’re already playing for the Mets.

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Apparently the U.S. will soon start putting graphic pictures on cigarette packs in hopes of convincing people to quit. Although if disturbing images were really a deterrent no one who watches Sportscenter would ever attend a Cubs game.

(for this above joke you can substitute Lions, Royals, Pirates, Mets, 49ers, Raiders….pick your sorry team.)
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Michael Vick played well in his brief debut with the Eagles, resulting in some football fanatics already imagining a quarterback competition between him and Donovan McNabb. None of the team is commenting on the idea, but even in future I think we can safely say a comment we will never hear on the subject is “I don’t have a dog in this fight.”

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Who says the NCAA isn’t really trying to crack down on major athletic programs cheating? They just put on three-year probation for “failure to montor their athletes.” BYU. Actually, BYU-Hawaii. Division II. Yeah, that’ll scare the big boys.

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Brett Favre says his relationship with his new Vikings teammates is a “work in progress.” – Which might be reassuring to Minnesota fans, if his retirement decision hadn’t also been a “work in progress.” One that took only slightly longer than the painting of the Sistine Chapel.

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Tacky joke alert.

Apparently God is going all out to make Ted Kennedy comfortable in Heaven. When He asked if he could do anything for the Senator, Ted said he wouldn’t mind watching the healthcare debate with a couple of his Republican colleagues.

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More Brett – How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

August 21, 2009

Definition of eternity – Waiting behind Brett Favre for your turn in the voting booth.

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ESPN said that Brett Favre’s debut, although rusty, was a hit. The only hit Packers fans might want to hear about in connection with Favre might be from Tom Cable.

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Brett’s season may come down to his offensive line. Although Packers fans consider his real offensive line “I have signed with the Minnesota Vikings.”

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When the player formerly known as Chad Johnson kicked the winning point after touchdown for Cincinnati against Denver, did the headlines read “Ocho Cinco 86s Broncos?”

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The sale of the Chicago Cubs was finalized today, for a price reportedly in the $845 million range. The deal, which took 2 1/2 years to put together, will be known as “a LOT of Cash for Clunkers.”

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The Evangelical Lutheran Church of America will lift a ban requiring gay and lesbian ministers to be celibate. Now individual congregations can hire homosexuals who are in committed relationships. Some ECLA members weren’t quite ready to remove the ban on having sex, so they wanted to restrict hiring to gays who were married,

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SF Giants fans will get this one: (especially after tonight’s 6-3 nailbiter over the Rockies.)

Have you heard about the new Brian Wilson cocktail? Pour anything over ice, and a lot of it, just before he takes the mound.

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From the always funny Alex Kaseberg:

The NFL is investigating Oakland Raider coach Tom Cable’s punching and fracturing the jaw of an assistant coach. The good news? It was the first decent hit by a Raider in two years.

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Weekend musings

June 27, 2009

So Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with an anchorwoman, John Edwards had an affair with a documentary filmmaker, and now apparently Governor Mark Sanford’s “Maria” is a television reporter. Sort of puts a whole new spin on media relations, doesn’t it?

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Friday night Lou Piniella told Milton Bradley to take his uniform and go home after yet another tantrum by the mercurial outfield. Today, the Cubs manager apologized for the remarks he made afterwards in the dugout. Allegedly Paniella said “You’re not a ballplayer, you’re a piece of ****.” Guess he thinks he might have been wrong about the ballplayer part.

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The NFL pre-season starts in less than seven weeks, on Aug 13. Fans in Washington wonder if that will be before or after the Nationals are officially eliminated from playoff contention.

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Miller Park, home of the Milwaukee Brewers, sustained flooding in its service area this week resulting in moderate damage to some concession and promotional items.
No word if rain entered and watered down the beer supply. Of course, it being Miller, fans wouldn’t notice.

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Manny Ramirez continued his rehab assignment Saturday by hitting against single A pitching at Lake Elsinore. I guess the Dodgers figured that was the best possible preparation for his rejoining the team and facing the San Diego Padres staff next weekend.

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You can’t make this up – reality show edition

May 23, 2009

So let’s see, Kate Gosselin of “Jon and Kate plus eight” is now complaining about excessive media attention.  Which besides being distressing is presumably making it hard to do her job…which is, raising her kids on a reality television show.    

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The San Francisco Giants lost yet ANOTHER game 2-1 Friday night, this time in twelve innings.  Their third 2-1 loss in four days.  (Their fourth loss was 3-2) 

It’s not so much that sports fans can’t deal with all these losses, it’s that usually with these scores, penalty kicks are involved.

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You think somewhere, someday a couple years ago,  somebody in Giants management  said “Dear God, please rid us from the taint of steroids and performance enchancing drugs?”   If so, mission accomplished.

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Okay, what’s wrong with this picture.  American Idol season two runner-up Clay Aiken said on his website  he tunes into the show about once a season.  He said this year, he saw Adam Lambert do “Ring of Fire”  and that it was  “contrived,” “awful” and “slightly frightening.”

But Aiken also complained that he thought the series showed bias for Adam over the eventual winner, Kris.

But, okay, Lambert’s  version of “Ring of Fire” was not well received by the judges. So either Clay has turned in more than one a season, or he’s making it all up. Or both. 

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Bristol Palin is quoted in People Magazine as saying  ” If girls realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex. Trust me. Nobody.”

But okay, by that token, if people really realized the painful consequences of a whole lot of things that started out just as lighthearted fun, there would be no DUIs, no drug arrests, and no one would raise their child to be a Cubs fan.

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Tiger’s not leading this post.

April 11, 2009

Actually the first thoughts today for your potential amusement are from the travel world.   My day job is as a travel agent, and well, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.

It started with a phone call to Hertz Rent A Car’s international travel agent desk, to book a car from Tours, France – at the TGV station – to drop off at a Paris airport.  Note, this was NOT their general domestic phone number.

This is an unedited conversation:
“Where does he want to pick up the car?”

“At the TGV station in Tours”

“Tours?”

“Tours, yes, T-O-U-R-S.”

“Is that in Paris?”

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I told this story to a client who was born in Paris, and she topped me with three questions she has heard this year.

“Is France the capital of Paris?”  (and no, it wasn’t a just a transposition of words, the questioner meant it.)

“Oh, you’re French.  Do you speak French?”

“Do they use credit cards in France?”

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And now to Tiger.  It’s day two of the Masters and most of the headlines for the last two days  are in the vein of   “Tiger five strokes back after round one.”  “Tiger is seven strokes back.”    Any more questions as to who is the might be the  most dominating major athlete in the Western  world?

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Arizona State University is reconsidering its decision not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama. But really, what’s more embarrassing… ASU not giving an honorary degree to Obama, or Yale giving one to George W . Bush?

(yes, they did….in addition to the one he “earned” in 1968.)

 

A Florida high school baseball team apparently bought, killed and buried a snake on their field in an effort to stop their losing streak.   Let’s hope that the team’s losing ways continue, or there won’t be a safe serpent in Chicago.

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But okay, all you sports fans still trying to get over the end of March Madness.  For the pool as to who would be the last undefeated major league baseball team, who had the Florida Marlins?

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With Obama in Washington…

February 19, 2009

The only thing harder to find in Illinois than a Cubs World Series ring, might be an honest politician.

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At this point, Roland Burris could be the first U.S. Senator to end up with an asterisk.

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Michael Phelps is having the windows of his home in Baltimore tinted, apparently to keep the parparazzi from peeking in. Not only that, but it will also help with his dilated pupils.

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The latest politician to be caught owing back taxes? Sarah Palin, who will be paying taxes on thousands of dollars she received in per diems. I didn’t even realize she was trying for a job in the Obama administration. –

Ken Griffey, Jr, is returning to the Seattle Mariners. So he can finish out his career in the city where he first went on the disabled list.
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In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states are sending YouTube videos of disasters to Washington. California is apparently sending videos of the Kings and the Clippers.

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Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay, is running for governor of California. This despite the fact that in many recent elections she didn’t even vote. This is like trying to be an Ebay powerseller without having any feedback.

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