Posted tagged ‘baseball jokes’

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It’s not over….

October 6, 2009

How long did the Twins-Tigers tie-breaker game go on? Since it started, Brett Favre retired and un-retired three more times.

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Some FSU boosters want Bobby Bowden, 79 to resign. But the school’s athletic director said the coach will not “step down.” At this point, the fall could kill him.

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Joe Paterno, 82 when asked if he thought Bowden should stay on, reportedly replied, “Why not, he’ll only get better with experience.

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Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee. Yeah, but when you’re in a hurry it will still take the person in front of you ten minutes to decide which flavor to buy.

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A Canadian man shot his handgun into a television, and was sentenced to counseling. He was also ordered as a term of his probation to never, EVER, watch a Maple Leafs game.

(for any Canadian readers, feel free to substitute Argonauts. Although as Canadian readers may also know, the answer to the question of “What’s the difference between the Argonauts and the Leafs is currently – the Argos have actually won three games.)
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Now that Rio has been awarded the 2012 Olympics, some IOC members are worried about the large number of prostitutes in the city. But unlike the IOC, the prostitutes are upfront about their price and do generally offer value for money.
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Rush Limbaugh may purchase the St. Louis Rams. There could, however, be a hitch. Someone has to convince Rush you can’t play football without a left tackle.

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One problem with Major League Baseball playoffs, most kids, especially on the east coast, can’t stay up late on weeknights for the usually ridiculously late games. Now, this years’ division series’ will have only two of the four matchups scheduled on Saturday – the Los Angeles Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals (at 607p eastern,) and the Philadelphia Phillies at the Colorado Rockies. And for all those junior Phillies fans…the start time – 937p eastern. I can hear it now “Mommy, can I stay up and watch the national anthem?”

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Tom Delay had to quit “Dancing with the Stars” due to stress fractures in both feet. Guess the steps were more than his body could handle, for the first time ever the former House Republican Whip sometimes had to force himself to move to the left.

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Let’s hear it for mercenaries.

September 3, 2009

The following respectfully submitted as possible headlines. After the SF Giants’ $100,000 September rental, Brad Penny, pitched 8 shutout innings and got the win against the Phillies.

(for all those not baseball obsessed, because Penny was waived/cut by the Red Sox, who are paying most of his multi-million dollar salary, and no one picked him up originally, the Giants only have to pay him the major league minimum for the rest of the season, which is actually under $100,000.)

Anyway, the headlines:

So far, worth every Penny.

Who says there’s no value in a Penny?

Not such a bad Penny.

Giants benefit from a Penny saved.

of course, if he loses his next three starts, these all change.

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Mark Sanford, once again considering himself unjustly persecuted, is now comparing the ethics attacks on him with those made on Sarah Palin. At least he didn’t refer to Sarah as his “soulmate.”
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Curt Schilling, with absolutely no political experience whatsoever, has announced he is interested in Ted Kennedy’s former Senate seat. I believe the correct response is “Put a bloody sock in it.”

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You have to wonder, why would Schilling want to join the Senate? Maybe because watching their performance over the past few years, it’s one group where he can be sure that no one is taking anything performance enhancing?

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The SF Giants have changed their minds and decided to promote Buster Posey. Guess they figure he can’t do any worse than the minor league hitters they already have in their lineup.

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In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the U.S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists.
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commie pinko joke alert.

Former Monteal Canadiens coach Jacque Demers, a self-described former functional illiterate, has been appointed to the Canadian Senate. Big deal, down in the U.S., we elected a functional illiterate President.

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Prejean, Pacman, the Pac 10 and other problems…

September 2, 2009

USC cornerback Shareece Wright has been ruled academically ineligible for the entire 2009 season. That’s a real shame, said absolutely no one outside of Los Angeles.

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USC cornerback Shareece Wright is academically ineligible for the 2009 season. This follows the team’s starting fullback Stanley Havili being unable to play in last year’s Rose Bowl for academic reasons, and backup quarterback Mitch Mustain having eligibility issues earlier this year. Now we know what USC really means – Usually Skipping Class.

Rumor has it that the class Wright failed was a close call. He took underwater basketweaving and almost drowned.

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The fifth-place (out of six) Cincinnati Reds sold 9087 tickets for a game Monday against the last-place Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. There are actually over 9000 people who were willing to pay to see the Reds-Pirates?
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Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California pageant because she claims being fired damaged her career. Let’s see, how many former Miss Californias can you name? Maybe the pageant should sue her for non-payment of publicity services rendered.

(Or, as suggested by a couple friends, ask for their implants back.)

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Adam “Pacman” Jones has signed a contract with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. The team GM has said he expects Pacman to be a major contributor to the team, presumably because there aren’t many places to get into trouble in Winnipeg.

John Murphy, the Blue Bombers’ director of player personnel, said of “Pacman” Jones… he is going to “bring some fun and excitement to our team, our locker room, our city, and our league.”

Wonder if he’s alerted the Mounties.

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Lets hope that when “Pacman” signed with the Blue Bombers that he didn’t think he was signing up for a women’s roller derby team.

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Once again, the cure for a pitching slump? Play the SF Giants. Cole Hamels, 0-3 in August, allowed just two hits in a 1-0 victory. Although the Giants did have a leadoff double wasted and then the leadoff runner in the ninth inning picked off.

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How badly are the SF Giants doing with men in scoring position? About as well as a group of fraternity guys on a lesbian cruise.

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Marriage and other contracts.

August 16, 2009

Alyssa Milano, formerly a mainstay on the major league baseball girlfriend circuit, finally got married, to a Hollywood agent. This is a woman who wrote in her book “Other women dream of papaya facials and mango pedicures. Give me a hot dog, a pitchers’ duel and a late-inning suicide squeeze, and I melt like hot pine tar.”

No work on kids yet, but she might end up being the mom voted least likely to have her husband allow her to go by herself to a little league game.

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Milano dated,among others, Carl Pavano, Brad Penny, and Barry Zito. Say what you want about Alyssa’s relationship with Zito. At least she had enough sense not to sign a long term contract with him..

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Phillies pitcher Brett Myers has already changed his latest injury story. First he said he injured his eye playing baseball with his four year old son, now he said he got hurt falling out of his truck. Presumably after washing it with Jeff Kent?

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Well, at least he didn’t say he fell hiking the Appalachian trail. Yet.

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The IOC has voted to consider adding golf for the 2016 Olympics. Presumably details will be released once they figure out if Tiger can work it into his schedule.

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So Scott Boras may have his client Stephen Strasburg turn down a record baseball signing bonus, probably over $15 million, from the Washington Nationals. In this economy, seems like Boras himself is a PED – “Paycheck Elevating Douchebag.”

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Strasburg, by the way, is single and 21 years old. But I guess he feels he has to feed his future family.

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The previous highest signing bonus was for Mark Prior, $10.5 million in 2001 by the Chicago Cubs. Boras’s response :”Wouldn’t we all like to buy bread at a price they charged 100 years ago, a nickel a loaf, with the income we enjoy today”

Right, for those Americans who still enjoy an income today. And yes, wouldn’t we all like to have to have the 401ks we enjoyed last year too.

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If you aren’t a baseball fan ignore this item, but okay, yes, that super bonus baby Mark Prior? He has a lifetime record in six years of 42 and 29 since he started in the big leagues in 2002. To put that in perspective, Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has 37 wins in 2 1/2 seasons, against 13 losses. And the much (and sometimes justifiably) maligned Barry Zito, who broke into the majors two years before Prior, has a record of 131 and 104.

Oh, and by the way, the team that passed on Prior because of his at that time exorbitant demands? The Minnesota Twins. Took a local kid named Joe Mauer who was willing to sign for much less. And what’s he done? Only won a couple batting championships, a Gold Glove, has been a repeat All-Star and is in the running for the American League MVP this year.
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Finally, away from sports: A new series of “relaxation beverages”, billed as the antidote to energy drinks, are on the market. They have names like “Drank, “Purple Stuff” and “Blue Cow.” Didn’t relaxation beverages used to be called names like “wine” or “beer.” Or “decaf.”

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Breakups and beginnings…

July 28, 2009

Tony Romo has apparently banned Jessica Simpson from his house. Apparently the breakup is pretty final. Poor Jessica, had she just dated someone like Brett Favre, the relationship would be back on and off at least a few more times.

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Hank Aaron thinks steroid users should be allowed into the Hall of Fame with an asterisk on their plaques. But of course then there should be an asterisk for those who played in the all-white era, and amphetamine users. And anyone caught with corked bats or pine tar…

Hard to believe but one of the most honest men in the Hall of Fame might be Gaylord Perry.

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“After the Rose” aired Tuesday night – the Bachelorette followup show where guys have to deal with being publicly told they were a second or third choice. Sort of like being a Minnesota Vikings quarterback.

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Now Vikings coach Brad Childress will have to deal with convincing his three quarterback contenders that he really did want one of them to have the top job. It could be worse however, at least Childress didn’t call Favre his “soulmate.”
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Although many were worried that Rickey Henderson’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech would be self-serving and egotistical, Henderson was charming, eloquent and didn’t even refer to himself in the third person. Said the newest Hall of Fame member “Rickey didn’t think it would be appropriate.”

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And many cynics think President Obama will never get healthcare passed. But miracles happen in Washington every day. Like the fact the Nationals have a four game win streak.

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Okay, lets see a show of hands?

April 18, 2009

After about two weeks in the Major League Baseball season, who had the Seattle Mariners, Kansas City Royals, and Toronto Blue Jays in first place in their respective divisions

Okay, both of you liars put your hands down.

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And there’s no punchline here,  I just love writing this final score from Saturday.  New York Yankees 4, Cleveland Indians 22.

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The Cleveland Indians scored 14 runs in the 2nd inning.  Not that New York fans are that shocked to see their team outscored 14-0 in the second.  It’s just that usually the Jets are involved.

 

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First pitches of 2009

April 8, 2009

So Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ opener.

Presume it was a pre-emptive strike.

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Ted Kennedy threw the first pitch out in Boston.    My sense is that at this point, though he didn’t get much on the pitch, it broke sharply to the left, and most would say it improved with age.

 

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But while we’re at it, how about the hypothetical first pitches?

 

Like Sarah Palin’s?  Much hyped, less impressive in the actual delivery. Despite the fact that she apparently was a winner in  the Alaska League.

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At the San Francisco Giants home opener at A T and T Field, US Air pilot Sully Sullenberger throw out the first pitch. (This is for real.)

Presume it was a splash hit.

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And Citigroup executives’  first pitch at Citi Field?  Presumably in need of taxpayer help to make it across the plate.

 

More to follow, suggestions encouraged.

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No turning blind eyes here…

February 20, 2009

Commissioner Bud Selig said earlier this week that he didn’t want to hear anyone say he turned a “blind eye” to baseball’s steroid problem. So I guess we’ve got the “hear no evil” part down too…

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Further regarding the steroid issue, Selig said he doesn’t understand how people can ask him “how did you not know?” And then he added that he also doesn’t understand how so many people can think that nice young man Michael Phelps has tried marijuana.

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Bill Clinton said in an interview that Obama should be more “hopeful” and “optimistic” And the former president pointed out how his own optimism had paid off: As bad as it looked last summer, Hillary now has a job she is happy with, and she’s usually out of the country.

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Barack Obama got great press coverage from his first foreign trip as president, to Canada. But the Republicans had Sarah Palin watching from her house.

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John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, spoke out today about the Republican party’s need to get modernize their use of techology. And in that spirit her father went out and replaced his typewriter with an electric model.

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American Idol started the voting part of their show this week, reducing twelve contestants down to three. No, wait, that was the Obama team vetting potential cabinet members on taxes.

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This is basically a rewrite of a joke idea from Nick Coombs:

The Washington Nationals paid a $1.4 million signing bonus to Dominican prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006.

Now it turns out Gonzalez is four years older than he claimed, AND uses a assumed name. Guess we finally learned the answer to the question “Whatever happened to Danny Almonte?

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And major league baseball’s spring training is finally in full gear for 2009. You know what that means… only a few more weeks until stores in Chicago can start selling “Wait until 2010” Cubs t-shirts.

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What’s more embarrassing?

February 9, 2009

What’s more embarrassing for Alex Rodriguez?

That he may have been caught using steroids, or that he needed performance-enchancing drugs to be the best player on the Texas Rangers?

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A-Rod has been more accessible than Bonds ever was, which might mean in the end the media won’t trash him nearly so much.

But, in the end, mightn’t being the best player caught in the “steroid era”, be like being considered the smartest person in the Bush adminstation?

The last decade has been incredibly profitable for Major League Baseball. But as it comes out that almost (if not every) star slugger over the past ten years has been taking steroids, perhaps we can say the person who has benefited most from performance enhancing drugs has been Bud Selig.

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