Posted tagged ‘Heat jokes’

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Honeymoon phase:

June 14, 2011

Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?

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Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….

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The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.

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Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.

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Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.

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Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.

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Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?

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President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?

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Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends.  Wow.  Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.

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And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”

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President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.

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Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.

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Titanic?

June 11, 2011

Most of Newt Gringrich’s campaign staff resigned yesterday. One of those rare instances of the crew leaving a sinking rat.

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The winner of a charity auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett, who spent over $2.6 million on his bid, will get several hours of investment advice from Buffett. Starting with  – “Don’t spend $2.6 million to have lunch with anyone.”

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A Miami tv station caught Dwyane Wade and Lebron James making fun of Dirk Nowitzki’s sinus infection before game 5. After practice, the two smirked and pretended to cough and wheeze, “Whoa, did y’all hear me cough? I think I’m sick,” Wade said before turning toward James and chuckling. It’s that kind of classy behavior that has made the Heat so beloved across America.

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Congratulations to Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, on his 90th birthday. Philip is now the longest serving consort of a monarch in British history. Outlasting all of Henry VIII’s wives combined.

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The Mavericks and Heat don’t play game six until Sunday at 9p eastern, so even with practices the players should have been able to kick back and relax  on Friday and Saturday nights. For Lebron, it should be just like an average fourth quarter.

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San Francisco Giants are in first place, and won tonight 3-2, despite an almost comical lack of offense. They may not repeat as World Series Champions, but the Giants have an almost certain lock on being named the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

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The New York Yankees’ star relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain has undergone Tommy John surgery and will be out of the season. For many teams, this would be devastating. For the Yankees, it’s kind of like a really rich woman breaking a Manolo Blanhik shoe heel. Sad, but it’s time for some expensive shopping.

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Congressman (for now) Weiner wrote a handwritten note to his neighbors: “Please forgive the inconvenience of all the press outside. I am sorry for all I have done that has now impacted you. Hopefully it will soon pass. Anthony” If he’d only done handwritten notes in the first place, there might not be all those press outside.

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Hillary Clinton is still trying to retire her 2008 presidential campaign debt. So she is raffling off the chance for supporters to have a date for a day in New York with Bill. Responded Anthony Weiner “Hey, I’d have done it for nothing.”

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And here’s some fun for anyone reading this and bored on the weekend  – What historical event do we want an interviewer to ask Sarah Palin about next?

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No shortage of losers.

June 9, 2011

How bad are the Mets on-field and financial woes? To increase attendance and revenue simultaneously, rumor has it the team is considering offering free beer. But then charging $20 for pay toilets.

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It’s really hard to win the airline division of the “stupidest public relations mistake of the year.” But Delta is, in charging returning servicemen from Afghanistan $2800 for extra bags, is clearly now the frontrunner.

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What happened to Vancouver in the last two games of the Stanley Cup playoffs? Eight goals in game three, four goals so far in game four. Roberto Luongo’s goal tending has had more holes than Anthony Weiner’s stories.

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But really, could Anthony Weiner have made his choices any worse lately?    Other than proclaiming his innocence last week in a one-hour ESPN special?

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It turns out even if he doesn’t resign, Anthony Weiner’s congressional district may be eliminated in next year’s redistricting. Could be the most appropriate Weiner cut since Lorena Bobbitt.

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Now it turns out that Anthony Weiner’s wife is pregnant. If it’s a girl will they name her Minnie Cocktail Weiner?

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CNN is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s colleagues are telling him he should resign “to preserve his own dignity.” To mix metaphors, I believe this might be a case of locking the barn door after the weiner is out.

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The NFL is apparently making contingency plans for an eight game season. Which means the Detroit Lions 2011 slogan might be “Nasty, brutal and short.”

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So the latest on embattled and now former OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor is that he will play a year in the UFL. Wait until Pryor discovers they won’t be lining up to pay big bucks for him to sign memorabilia for the Las Vegas Locomotives or Florida Tuskers.

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Ann Coulter was a guest on “the View” today. Guess it’s part of the show’s new policy to try to include more male guests.

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Lady Gaga’s latest record “Born This Way” will now be available in Lebanon, despite earlier rumors that the album had been banned for being offensive to Christianity. Apparently the Lebanese government decided that Lady Gaga was offensive to most organized religions equally.

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Presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty says the government shouldn’t have any organizations or services that overlap with the private sector.

And yes, this is the same Pawlenty who pushed hard for using almost $400 million in public funds, (sales tax) to fund the construction of Target Field, the new Minnesota Twins stadium.  Ah, priorities.

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The longest two minutes in sports?

May 23, 2011

For San Jose Sharks fans it was during the second period against the Canucks Sunday.

(For non-hockey fans, the Vancouver Canucks scored three goals in about 1 minute and 55 seconds enroute to a 5-3 win. And yes, that’s rare.)

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Sharks goalie Antti Niemi only had 14 shots on goal, and let 5 of them in.  Maybe the Sharks should have just played the game with an empty net and been on a nonstop power play.

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Meanwhile, over in the NBA… The only people outside South Florida who are rooting for the Heat these days might be in the Bronx. Because if the Heat win they may at least temporarily take the title from the Yankees of the “most hated team in America.”

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The reengineered 3D version of “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel “On Stranger Tides” took in a record $256.3 million internationally at the box office this weekend. So much for those who say the U.S. only IMPORTS silly action figures.

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Alex Tagliani became the first Canadian to win the pole at the Indianapolis 500. Stand by next Sunday for “Gentlemen, start your engines, eh?”

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And okay, did more people have Butler and VCU in the NCAA men’s basketball final four than the team with the best current record in major league baseball?    As of today that would be  the Cleveland Indians – 29 and 15.

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Meanwhile, the first place San Francisco Giants are doing it with smoke, mirrors, and usually REALLY good pitching.   Even after Sunday’s 5-4 win in extra innings, the team has scored fewer runs  – 160 – than any team in the National League.  (Really, you could look it up.)

Only the Seattle Mariners (159) and Minnesota Twins (147)  have scored fewer runs in all of baseball.  And the Twins are coming to SF for interleague play.  Which could mean the first baseball series decided by penalty kicks.

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Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis says crime will increase if the NFL doesn’t play games this year, because “There’s nothing else to do.” Is he talking about for the fans or the players?”

(and of course it has to be Ray Lewis saying this, as my friend Alex Kaseberg put it “Ray has already crossed ‘stab a guy to death’ off his bucket list”)

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Question of the week from another friend,  Jerry Perisho  “If the US Postal Service cycling team took performance enhancing drugs, why don’t we give it to postal carriers?

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Karmic tweeting.

January 13, 2011

Tweet from Lebron James attacking Cleveland Fans – “Crazy. Karma is a … Gets you every time. Its [sic] not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!”
Yep, and tonight God apparently saw that tweet – Heat 105, Clippers 111.

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Apparently James also forgot this little earlier directive from God:

Proverbs  16-18  “Pride goes before destruction,     a haughty spirit before a fall.

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Open note to all NBA players.  If you are going to showboat and dunk, it is a good idea to put the ball in the basket.

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Nicole Kidman has finally admitted to using Botox. In related news, Elton John is still gay.

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How anti-climactic was Kidman’s Botox admission?  No one raised an eyebrow in Hollywood, not even both women left in town who could do that.

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The Atlanta area and much of the southeast is still trying to dig out after this week’s snow and ice storm. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for some locals to say that the Falcons would have a serious chance to get to the Super Bowl “when hell freezes over.”

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The Speaker of the House hosted a cocktail party tonight for RNC committee members. Featuring no doubt “Boehner punch” – it seems bland and orange but one glass will bring you to tears.

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Apparently the morning before his alleged shooting rampage, Jared Loughner was pulled over by a policeman for running a red light, but let off with a warning and no search of his car. Have to wonder, what would have happened had his name been, say, Julio Gonzalez?

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Not sure about the rest of the country, but sounds like the Jets and Patriots certainly didn’t get the “can we try a little civility?” message.

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And for most of the country, outside of New York and New England, this Jets-Patriots game now presents a dilemma – for one day you’ve actually got to root for one of these teams.

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I’m willing to take the high road here and accept Sarah Palin’s word that she had no idea how offensive the term “blood libel” is to Jews and anyone who knows the history of the term. But isn’t this another example of why we actually want our potential leaders to be educated people?

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Okay, even if Americans are willing to concede the 2nd amendment, and willing to accept that guns are not any more inherently dangerous than a car, here’s a question: Why can’t it simply be as hard to buy a gun as it is to get a driver’s license

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