Posted tagged ‘age jokes’

Young and old

April 12, 2015

Congrats to Masters’ champion Jordan Spieth. And how young is Jordan? The first people he hugs after his win are his parents.

Arlo Guthrie is on a “50th Anniversary Alice’s Restaurant Tour.” Well, now you can still get anything you want, if you can remember what it is you wanted.

Hillary Clinton today announced her candidacy for the Presidency. The speech was sponsored by Captain Obvious.

Pence, Ishikawa, Cain, Peavy, Belt… Now the latest SF Giant to get injured this year was Casey McGehee last night with a strained knee. Has someone informed the team that “Eight Men Out” is not a desired goal for the home opener?

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim seem determined to dump Josh Hamilton. Well, if they’d eat most of his salary maybe the SF Giants should take a chance on him? ‪#‎poweroutage‬

 

The NY Knicks and Orlando Magic, both lottery teams, combined for 15 points in the second quarter of Saturday night’s game. 15 points combined. Not a typo. And more than a few college one-and-dones suddenly thought, maybe staying in school another year doesn’t sound that bad.

 

Anneget Raunigk, 65, of Berlin, already has 13 children, and is now 21 weeks pregnant with quadruplets, using donated sperm and eggs. Even the Octomom is thinking “Is she nuts?”

On a brighter note, Raunigk should be transitioning to diapers about the same time she trains her toddlers out of them.

Overhead (for real) at farmer’s market. Woman runs up to husband “Why are you in line here?”. He says “It was a long line. Figured their stuff must be good.”.

There was a “fatal incident” Sunday at the Richard Petty Driving Experience at Walt Disney World in Orlando. The attraction, which was scheduled to close in late June anyway, allows tours to drive NASCAR at speeds of up to 165 mph. Let’s hope the victim wasn’t texting at the time.

 

 

Rand Paul today, “Some of the hawks in my party, you can’t find a place on the globe they don’t want boots on the ground.” For a guy who can be bat sh*t crazy, Paul does have these astonishing moments of making sense.

In Cleveland, a 3-year-old child apparently fatally shot a 1-year-old boy in the face. If only the baby had been armed.

 

 

 

A 2 year-old who fell into the Cleveland Zoo’s cheetah enclosure after being dangled over the edge by his parents is recovering. Apparently mom and dad went into the exhibit to rescue him, but as a local TV station reported “the cheetahs made no attempt to interact with the child or the child’s parents.” Making the big cats in this case, much smarter than the humans. #Cantfixstupid

 

Marc Ragovin,  “What a remarkable display of golf at the Master’s. It left me …. Spiethless”

Do the math,

November 14, 2014

Why there is no satire, NBA division. Kobe Bryant on the Spurs. “I don’t know if I can express to you how jealous I am of the fact that Tim, Tony Manu and Pop have been together for all those years”. Bryant’s salary for 2014 – $23 million. Duncan $10 million, Parker $12 million.

‪#‎iwoulddoanythingforlovebutiwontdothat‬

Prince WIlliam and Kate are coming to the U.S. for a three day visit December. Some Americans don’t see all the fuss over a couple people who just happen to be part of a Royal family. Wonder if the dignitaries meeting their Highnesses will include Bill and Hillary Clinton, and both former President Bushes?

The Department of Energy loan guarantee program, famous for the Solyndra default, has actually started turning a PROFIT on its $34.2 billion in loans, as some companies are becoming successful and paying money back. So where’s all the GOP blame for Obama?

The 0-8 Philadelphia 76ers,, who just lost by 53 to the Dallas Maverickst, are making a strong bid to become the worst NBA team ever. Sadly, even if they run the table, this team probably couldn’t even win the draft lottery.

 

Dick Vitale, 75, said “My goal is to be the first broadcaster in the history of broadcasting to work at a game when I’m 100 years old.” And somewhere Vin Scully just giggled.

The NBA has released pictures of this year’s Christmas uniforms, which will feature team logos on the front, first names of players on the back, and will be sold by Adidas for $110. Except presumably for the Lakers jerseys, which will cost twice as much and break down after a few wearings.

 

 

The NFL fined NY Jets coach Rex Ryan $100,000 for profanity after his team beat the Steelers. Well, if winning generates that kind of outburst at least Rex won’t be out of pocket too much the rest of this season.

There’s going to be a musical based on the reality show “Duck Dynasty.” “The Duck Commander Family Musical” will open in Las Vegas next February. Just the thing for those straight male rednecks who have been waiting for THEIR Broadway show. Both of them.

And have to wonder, will the Robertson’s put a “morality” clause on sexual orientation for actors…?  If so, hope they’re planning on a one or two man show.

 

 

Former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne has passed away. She leaves quite a legacy – the first woman mayor of the city, and one of the few Illinois leaders never to have been arrested.

Starting to get emails and banner ads about “The 117th Big Game between Stanford and Cal” on November 22.” Of course, the time isn’t set yet. Because nothing says how important a rivalry game is like a “TBA” on the schedule for television. Sigh.

An Alabama high school teacher has been arrested and charged with three sexual incidents with students in six months. Think she took being a physically education teacher a bit too seriously?

 

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “Chicago Bear receiver, Brandon Marshall, upset by a remark made about his mother, challenged one of his twitter followers $25,000 to fight him. Bears QB Jay Cutler threw out the same challenge, but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.”

Not quite vetted.

November 12, 2013

Today was Veteran’s Day.  When we honor those who have served our country by going to the mall to buy stuff made in countries we have fought against.

President Obama honored a 107 year old WWII veteran at a D.C. Veteran’s Day ceremony. Guess John McCain was unavailable?

Downton Abbey has been renewed for a fifth season. Glad they have the $$$, or rather pounds. But since the fourth season started in Sept. in England and won’t start in the U.S. until Jan 5. 11 days after the season four finale, American fans are thinking, how much more to get us on the same schedule?

Amazon is teaming up with the U.S. Postal Service to deliver packages on Sundays. Procrastinators of the world, rejoice!

Proof, again, that God does have a twisted sense of humor: A white supremacist trying to establish an all-white enclave in North Dakota found out during the taping of the “Trisha Show” that he is 14% “sub-Saharan African.”

Who’d a thunk a couple weeks ago looking at this Dolphins vs. Buccaneers game that Tampa Bay’s coach might be the one least considered to have totally lost is locker room.

And when the previously winless Buccaneers actually beat the Miami Dolphins tonight, did the 0-14 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs crack open a case of generic beer?

Maybe it’s because I am a woman but somehow I’ve never thought female athletes were any less tough because they don’t threaten to kill each other in the locker room.

Getting awfully tired of Facebook prompting “Where did you grow up.” This implies all of us on Facebook ARE grown up.
The student body president of Oregon’s Northwest Christian University just came out – as an atheist. And sadly there are people who probably thought “well, at least he’s not gay.”
McDonald’s is coming out with a new white chocolate mocha drink for the holiday season. Just the thing for those who’d rather drink the calories they get from a Big Mac.The Lakers announced that Steve Nash, 39, will miss at least two weeks with “nerve irritation.” ‘Nerve irritation?” What, as in “you punks are irritating my nerves, get off my court?”

From T.C.   on the Red Sox’s top offseason targets: “Free agents Jacoby Ellsbury, Mike Napoli, Stephen Drew and the two guitarists from ZZ Top.”