Archive for April 2020

Most Foul

April 29, 2020

Baseball may be on hiatus but lawyers never sleep.   A suit was filed today against the Cubs and MLB on behalf of a fan hit who says she was sitting in the sixth row at Wrigley field and suffered permanent injuries after being struck in the face by a foul ball while she was chatting with a friend.

Not without some sympathy, but seriously, if you’re an adult in the SIXTH row in one of the smallest stadiums in baseball just maybe you should be paying attention?

 

Former Jacksonville Jaguars linebacker Telvin Smith, 29, has been arrested and charged with a felony count of having sex with a 17 year old girl.
Leaving aside whether or not this should be a felony, wouldn’t you think NFL would teach players, after #1 rule about sex with anyone – “get consent”, #2 should be “check ID?”

Serious question on a snarky topic: How long until Donald Trump decides to go golfing and frames it as leadership in reopening the county?

 

Trump said today he’s going to Arizona next week. , Phoenix temperatures have been and are expected to stay over 100 degrees. So if Donald really wants to test his theory that heat kills coronavirus, why doesn’t he plan to shake hands with as many supporters as possible?

So Trump White House and Fox News are pushing a “Michael Flynn is innocent story” on the day Coronavirus death toll went past 60,000. What the heck are they going to come up with when we blow past 70,000 next week?

Voted for Bill Clinton, twice, knowing well the man I thought would be very good president (he was), also had women issues (he did.) Biden was in Senate almost 20 yrs when Clinton ran in 1992. Never heard whisper about such issues until Joe clinched 2020 nomination. #Coincidence?

Now there’s a Fox News headline. “Stacey Abrams denies applying double standard to Biden and Kavanaugh allegations.” I missed the headline “Fox News denies applying double standard to Biden and Trump allegations, and allegations, and allegations, and allegations.”

 

David Letterman says a source told him Trump “won’t wear a mask because they can’t figure out how to attach it to his hair.” Uh, and don’t forget that little issue of smudged makeup.

Trump tweet tonight “I must admit that Lyin’ Brian Williams is, while dumber than hell, quite a bit smarter than Fake News
@CNN “anchorman” Don Lemon, the “dumbest man on television”. Then you have Psycho Joe “What Ever Happened To Your Girlfriend?” Scarborough, another of the low I.Q. individuals!”
But yeah, Donald doesn’t have time to watch TV.

There once was a President Don On whose briefings all networks did fawn. Who cares if he lied And Americans died? As long as the TVs stayed on.

Meanwhile…

Trump email. (no joke) “Sleepy Joe Biden just racked up new endorsements 1st. Mini Mike Bloomberg endorsed Biden. Next, Crazy Bernie forced to drop out & endorse Biden. Then, Cheatin’ Obama endorsed his former VP, Biden. Today, Crooked Hillary endorsed Biden.” So Presidential..

Unmasked.

April 29, 2020

Golden State coach Steve Kerr today acknowledged that his team is operating as if the season already is over. Well to be fair, since before COVID-19 the Warriors were 15-50, it already was.

Serious side sports story – Orioles outfielder Trey Mancini has started undergoing chemotherapy to treat Stage 3 colon cancer.

Ugh. Your reminder, when we can safely go back to having preventive procedures done, go get that previously scheduled mammogram, pap smear, colonoscopy. etc.

Apparently AP called the Ohio Democratic Primary for Joe Biden right after 8:00 p.m. tonight. I’m so old that I remember when the clusterf*ck in counting Iowa caucuses was the biggest thing millions of Americans, including me, were stressed about.

Trolls on twitter had #opencalifornianow trending today.

Open what?  The earth?  Gravediggers are standing by.

Newt Gingrich- “I’ve never seen the Radical Left work as hard to discredit a President as they have with President Trump.” Please, Newt, you impeached a President over an affair at the same time you were cheating on your second wife.

If you ever needed proof that GOP wants to terrify Americans about all the wrong things: Vice President Pence, the man who decided he won’t be alone with another woman who is not his wife,  decided not wear a mask for his visit to the Mayo Clinic.

 

Mike Pence claims he didn’t wear a mask because he claims he wanted to ‘look healthcare personnel in the eye and say thank you.” Hint to VP Pence… If a mask is covering your eyes, you’re wearing it wrong.

 

Trump is actually threatening a “Quid pro quo” in saying he may demand states cooperate with ICE to get COVID-19 relief, a little history lesson – the phrase “quid pro quo” in 16th century denoted a medicine substituted for another.

 

Something like substituting bleach for fever-reducers and oxygen?

 

Justin Amash has joined Jesse Ventura in saying he is thinking about running for President. Yes, this year.  If Justin  and Jesse really need some potential victory for their egos, maybe someone should organize a charity pay-per-view cage match?

Now THIS is a serious freezer burn.   Nancy Pelosi today about Trump.  “He makes a big fuss about my having ice cream in my freezer…I have ice cream in my freezer. I guess it’s better than having Lysol in somebody’s lungs as he’s suggesting.”

If you were more upset about Barack Obama wearing a tan suit than you were by Mike Pence not wearing a mask at the Mayo Clinic, then it’s time to forever stop pretending you are “pro-life.”

A little drafty in here….

April 27, 2020

Of all the useless arguments, and I’m good at useless arguments,  high up there has to be the  “who won the NFL draft argument?”   As in I remember at this time in 1998 when pundits were still arguing if the Colts made the right choice in picking Peyton Manning over Ryan Leaf.

 

Rumors that MLB might be considering new Rangers ballpark near Dallas as a neutral site for delayed 2020 baseball season . Wonder if San Diego’s Petco Park is on the list, as a SF Giants fan have never yet been there & noticed enough Padres fans for home field advantage.

Due to coronavirus concerns, ex-New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin released from prison only 7 yrs into 10 yr prison term over corruption charges. Given Louisiana history, considering Bel Edwards will be termed out in 2023, does this gives Nagin head start on a gubernatorial campaign.
Anyone else have a Lynn Anderson paraphrase running through their heads “I beg your pardon, I never promised you truth in a Rose Garden?
Interesting and kind of nice side note, while I was a Bill Clinton volunteer (then an Obama gal) who did support Hillary in 2016 election, just realized, of the six white men who were debate spouses during Democratic debates, the most recognizable was Chasten Buttigieg!
Tyson Foods took out full-page ad in NY Times saying the “food supply chain is breaking.” Understand that meat processing plants have had increasing outbreaks. But what was the purpose of Tyson letter? To ask for bailout funds, or to justify a big rise in prices?
Serious question, while I’m relatively low-risk, like many other women I’ve put off a mammogram this spring, others I know have put off colonoscopies, pap smears etc. What’s the death toll going to be down the road from Americans not doing normal preventative healthcare?
As Trump floats idea about trying to get damages from China over coronavirus, does he realize this would open up USA potentially to similar lawsuits for saying, sending cruise passengers home without testing and letting infected Americans travel after pandemic was a known event?
Diamond & Silk, have been cut by Fox News for promoting conspiracy theories and disinformation about COVID-19. How long until they get hired by OANN?
And as Trump today answered a question from his favorite OANN reporter: “What happened to your President of the United States should never again be allowed to happen.”
Is Donald talking about the woman who got the most votes in 2016, and SHOULD be our President?
When this pandemic is under control, with some sense of an actual death toll, beginning to wonder, how many of these meat processing plants still employ undocumented workers, and how many of them were scared into silence by fear of being turning into ICE? No joke.
“If an American president loses more people than in the entire Vietnam war does he deserve to be re-elected?”
And following the about question.  Today’s Trump fundraising email “Just ask yourself, would our nation survive a Joe Biden presidency?” About 55,000 Americans were today unavailable for comment.

Devil scouting ice rink locations?

April 27, 2020

Rumors that former Dodger.  Yasiel Puig might sign with the SF Giants.  Thinking NFW.  On the other hand, Madison Bumgarner IS with the Diamondbacks now.

Still trying to wrap my head around Jameis Winston with #Saints. But gather Drew Brees can teach him a lot. Starting with

1. Throw the ball to people wearing YOUR team colors.

2. Always pay for your crab legs.

(not my joke but seen on social media – Jameis Winston is going to fit in well in New Orleans. He’s already had five years experience throwing to Saints players.)

Is there something wrong with me that I really don’t care that Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are divorcing?

Among the many trivial little things I am going to miss in a post pandemic world – bars that put out barrels of peanuts.

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton rants Chinese students shouldn’t be able to come to the US to study science, (so they can return home and compete with American.)  Cotton thinks they should only be able to study things like Shakespeare & Federalist Papers – Both of which were written by immigrants.

Pretty obvious at Harvard he didn’t study history…checks wikipedia.   Uh,  “Tom Cotton graduated w/ A.B Magna Cum Laude; wrote his senior thesis on…the Federalist Papers.”

Doesn’t every woman dream on her 50th birthday of spending it locked up in a big house with an unhinged man ranting on Twitter?   Happy Birthday Melania.

Trump ranted this morning in a few tweets abbout Fake news and journalists Russia and “Noble” (sic) prizes.

Then Sunday afternoon – “Does anybody get the meaning of what a so-called Noble (not Nobel) Prize is, especially as it pertains to Reporters and Journalists? Noble is defined as, “having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals.” Does sarcasm ever work?”

But when I went to double check what he wrote originally, the “Noble” tweets were gone.

Just one question -If it was sarcasm why did Trump delete them,

Seriously folks, most of what I post is snark or sarcasm. And one rule I think I and probably all humor writers follow – if you get a good sarcastic tweet that goes viral, you DON’T delete it. #Noble

 

Can we offer Trump a Noble prize for his resignation speech?

Anyone else wonder if maybe today’s Twitter rant storm was because Trump knows he will NEVER be played on television by Brad Pitt? #DrFauci

Socially distanced from a tattoo?

April 26, 2020

Oops, per ESPN, newly drafted Patriots rookie kicker Justin Rohrwasser says a tattoo on his left arm was just something he did as a teenager, and is not meant to symbolize the markings of “The Three Percenters,” a right-wing militia group.  And Rohwasser says will cover it up.
There is a reason some people think you should be 21 and over for tattoos.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said there will be no in-person sporting events through May. Although what better way would there have been to test social distancing than with normal attendance at Marlins Park and Tropicana Fie

As much as I’ll miss college football games, anyone else thinking wistfully right now it’s going to be a VERY long time until we get back to buffets and shared beverages at tailgates?

Researchers finding Americans with “quarantine fatigue” are increasingly leaving home against stay-at-home orders. So we’re dying to go outside?

So with no vanity press briefing Saturday does that mean members of the Trump Coronavirus Task Force got to spend the day lying to their families?

Irony for a big win today. Just got an invitation to donate to Trump re-election campaign and receive in exchange a “Trump-Pence” welcome mat. Ironic for the administration that wants to slap a “We’re Closed” sign on America.

Trump bragging twice on Twitter this morning about 5 million tests. US population 328 million. What happened to “everyone who wants a test can get a test?”

 

Geraldo defending Donald Trump “And if anyone really would heed that bleach-drinking advice, odds are they have other issues.” Right. Issues like thinking a failed reality-TV host might be qualified to be the leader of the free world?
So next week will Trump suggest ingesting disinfectant as a cure for windmill cancer?
NY Post headline “North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un rumored to be dead, brain dead or just fine.”
Curiously enough, the last two options have also been argued about lately with POTUS.

Not so wide world of Sports?

April 25, 2020

 

As a child in the pre-ESPN days, remembered ABC’s “Wide World of Sports,” ” “the human drama of athletic competion” where they could get pretty desperate in various offseasons  -cliff diving competitions anyone?

Have to wonder, did the 2nd and 3rd rounds of NFL virtual  draft tonight get the highest ratings ever?

 

 

Could’ve been much worse with our Tide Pod President‘s suggestion to ingest disinfectants:  Imagine if like Clorox and Lysol weren’t already almost as hard to get as hand sanitizer due to Coronavirus.

Mitch McConnell’s wife, Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao now claims social distancing is possible on airplanes Anyone want to take a pool on the last time Chao, or Mitch, flew coach?

Tonight Rachel Maddow reported “82% of Republicans align with the view that social distancing and stay-at-home orders are responsible life-saving measures.” So maybe “Live free or die” sounds better as a hypothetical?

 

Since Trump is so desperate for a “win” how long until he throws someone under the bus for firing #CaptainCrozier and takes personal credit for reinstating the Theodore Roosevelt captain?

Right about now Joe Biden could make someone drink Clorox in the middle of 5th Avenue and I’d still vote for him.

 

West Point Cadets know they might have to risk their lives for their country. Now, because Trump wants to make a speech, they have to return to campus for graduation and risk their lives for a photo-op.

Trump “We’re opening our country. It’s very exciting to see. We have a lot of talent involved. From governors to people who just stand there and help you with the doors.” What did you do in the war, daddy/mommy? “I opened doors.”

Okay, I know these are crazy times but Joe Biden and many of women on his VP list have seriously had to tweet today not to drink or ingest disinfectant!!? Did not see this one coming.

So will people who die from ingesting disinfectants be counted in COVID-19 death counts? Asking for a sometimes very stupid country.

Yeah, schadenfreude and justice and all that. But in the interest of healing, who would make this deal? Trump resigns, takes Pence with him. President Pelosi pardons him, appoints VP Joe Biden, and then, after Joe gets his team together, lets Biden take over.

  1. Many complain Joe Biden isn’t exciting.
  2.  Current occupant of the Oval Office just suggested Americans ingest Clorox.
  3. Excitement is overrated

Into the light

April 23, 2020

Tom Brady mistakenly walked into wrong home in Tampa, apparently when trying to meet with Bucs offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich for the first time, and ended up at Leftwich’s next door neighbor’s unlocked door.

Ha, ha, funny, right? Of course if Tom were black there’s a decent chance he’d be dead now.

Do miss the times when tonight the biggest things most Americans would have been worked up about would have been the player they wish their NFL drafted.

So if anyone dies from going bowling in Georgia and getting COVID-19 can the bowling alley at least figure out what shoes they rented and retire them?

As a woman who went to high school in Florida in the 1970s, I must say, until today I would look back and think that using tin foil and baby oil for a tan was the stupidest thing imaginable regarding sunlight and liquids.

 

We all knew now that Trump’s romance with hydroxychloroquine was over that Donald would find a new object of his affection. But did not see Lysol coming.

Okay, maybe it’s just me but while it’s hard to imagine suggesting getting a socially distanced tattoo, Brian Kemp might have been one-upped by Trump suggesting Americans ingest disinfectant.

 

As insane as injecting disinfectant sounds, nobody’s talking today about vaccine expert Dr Rick Bright, dismissed this week as the director of BARDA, who says he was ousted for questioning the potential of hydroxychloroquine. Coincidence?

Technically speaking Trump was right. Drinking Lysol or Clorox WILL keep you from dying from coronavirus – because they will kill you first.

So will Trump tomorrow use sunlight as a excuse to declare all his golf courses essential and reopen them?

Deborah and Dr. Fauci.” No, POTUS isn’t a misogynistic pig, why do you ask?

Today Donald also referred to “a sleepy guy in a basement in a house.” That’s #PresidentBiden to you, Donald Trump.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity says Americans ‘dying to get back to work.

Fixed it for Hannity – Americans will be “dying FROM getting back to work.”

Apparently in studies, hydroxchloroquine not only didn’t work against COVID-19, it may have caused heart damage. So is this why Trump was promoting it…. he doesn’t have a heart to damage?

So why isn’t Trump bragging about having a Labradoodle breeder heading HHS Coronavirus task force? Especially as right now the death rate from COVID-19 is very low for Labradoodles.