Archive for December 2010

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Brainiacs and “Not-so-brainy-acs.”

December 9, 2010

 

Jerry Brown talked in a town hall style meeting today about solving the budget crisis and people needing to get rid of their “intellectual predilections.” “Intellectual predilections.” I think a lot of Californians (and others) would pay to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try to say that three times real fast.

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The Baltimore Orioles’ Luke Scott says he doesn’t believe President Obama was born in the United States. But come on, what do you expect of a player dumb enough to sign with the Orioles?

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Another thought regarding the Orioles’ Luke Scott and his statement that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. Is that because Scott thinks the President was born in Kenya, or he just doesn’t realize Hawaii is a state?

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After all that sparring in the media, Derek Jeter says he and the Yankees are now just “one big happy family.” This after New York upped their offer from $45 to $51 million for three years. So, $6 million for family happiness – sounds like about the same amount Kobe paid his jeweller.

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FIFA President Sepp Blatter says there is “no systematic corruption” at his organization, and that England is just a “sore loser” about Russia and Qatar being awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Uh, Mr. Blatter, it’s not an either/or question.

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South Carolina governor Mark Sanford now says his 2009 affair and disgrace actually made him a more effective governor. Hmm, maybe now we know why Bill Clinton was able to get so much legislation passed.

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We don’t need no stinkin’ playoffs: According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, the SEC just became the first conference to pass the $1 BILLION mark in sports revenue, due to television contracts and the earnings of some of their top football teams.

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Gary Morton points out that Iowa is indeed going to this year’s Insight Bowl.   But as noted yesterday,  the team’s top receiver, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, known as DJK,  will not be going anywhere with the team, since he was arrested and charged with running a “drug house.

So this may be the only time that DJK and “Insight” will be used in the same sentence.

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Texas  defensive end Sam Acho beat out 16 other finalists to become this year’s recipient of the the  William V. Campbell award,  given to college football’s top scholar-athlete.

The standard for becoming a finalist?  Being able to spell “scholar-athlete.”

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To signify moving on, New York Jets Rex Ryan buried a game ball from Monday night’s blowout 45-3 loss to the Patriots. Many Jets fans who had to suffer through the game liked the buried football idea, but wished Ryan had gone further and buried some of the team with it.

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Urban Meyer resigned, again, as the University of Florida’s football coach, saying he wanted to spend more time with his family. Yeah, I guess family may not trump a BCS bowl-level team, but they are more rewarding than a Gators team that goes 7-5 and backs into the Outback Bowl.

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Plus ca change…

December 8, 2010

Mike Singletary has announced that Alex Smith will start in place of Troy Smith next Sunday. Okay, that’s it. The phrase “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” has now been officially updated for the 21st century to “re-arranging quarterbacks on the 49ers.”

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So Albert Haynesworth was suspended for four games which means he will not be on the field for the 5-7 (and fading fast) Washington Redskins for the remainder of the season. Given Albert’s bad attitude, why did the team choose to reward him?

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Sarah Palin has now turned her attention to Wikileaks founder Julian Assanger, and tweeted “Someone making things up again? Keep seeing this quote attributed to me. Huh?” I guess no one is supposed to attribute quotes to Palin except her ghostwriters.

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R.I.P. Elizabeth Edwards. Her useless husband probably did love her, at least as much as he loved anyone who was not himself.

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After being arrested and charged with six counts of drug possession, Iowa senior star wide-receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos has been suspended from “all team activities.”

Now, Iowa’s not going anywhere this December.  But it brings to mind another question, what’s the over-under on player arrests before the bowl season starts?

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Remember that college football gamme they played in Wrigley Field with only one endzone?

Maybe Wrigley should be the home of this year’s Meinke Car Car Bowl. Featuring the 88th ranked offense of the University of South Florida Bulls, vs. the 86th ranked offense of the Clemson Tigers. Forget one endzone, they teams wouldn’t need any.

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Hal Rogers, a Kentucky Congressman known as the “Prince of Pork” for his skill at getting money for his hometown, has been named head of the Appropriations Committee, which will allegedly lead the GOP drive to cut federal earmarks.

Isn’t this like having unwed teen mother Bristol Palin spearhead an abstinence drive?

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Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times picked up on this one… how did I miss it?

“Boulder, Colo., and Ann Arbor, Mich., came in 1-2 when Portfolio.com released its list of America’s 10 brainiest cities.

Apparently it was determined before the Buffs’ and Wolverines’ last football-coaching hires.”

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An actual serious thought:

‎30 years ago a part-time security guard with a history of mental illness was nonetheless able to get both a gun and hollow-point bullets. And he shot John Lennon. Yet there are still millions of Americans who don’t see the need for gun control laws. Imagine.

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When bad things happen to good quarterbacks…

December 7, 2010

Peyton Manning is saying that the Indianapolis Colts’ inexplicably bad season is his fault. Unreal, Peyton’s not blaming the media? Or the President? Surely some of this is Obama’s fault….

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Mark Sanchez had one of those nights where he had to wish he was still back at USC.  Especially this year, as since the Trojans are on probation.  And he wouldn’t have had to play in December.

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R.I.P Don Meredith, as my friend Alex Kaseberg said “with him around you could actually tolerate Howard Cosell.”

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Not only would “Dandy Don” Meredith have been singing “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” during Monday Night Football’s Jets-Pats game, he would have been singing it at halftime.

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Newt Gingrich has indicated he is interested in running for President in 2012. 

So let me see if I have this straight.  Newt’s had three marriages, (and each time being involved with the next wife while married to the current wife), plus he was reprimanded while Speaker by Congress for ethics violations. 

Sure, I can see why he’d be the darling of the family values conservatives who want to restore faith in the Presidency…,

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Another reason to want a college football playoff: Oregon and Auburn now have to wait FIVE weeks for their BCS Championship Game. Five weeks??! Some of the players will get so bored they may actually go to class.

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And the national championship will pit Auburn, with its controversy regarding Cam Newton, vs Oregon, with its leading running back, LaMichael James, on probation for a domestic violence incident. Makes a certain amount of sense that the stadium is sponsored by that hallowed institution, the University of Phoenix.

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Jayson Werth – a seven year $126 million dollar contract for the Nationals? With that kind of overspending, are we sure Congress wasn’t involved?

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The University of Connecticut must sell 17,500 tickets to the Fiest Bowl, or have to pay for the tickets themselves.    This is a variation on a thought from yesterday, but maybe they should double the price of men’s and women’s basketball tickets, and include a bowl game ticket for free?

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Latest in the “It’s all relative department”: Tiger Woods lost a four shot lead, and then lost the Chevron World Challenge to Graeme McDowell in a playoff today. But Tiger still probably had a better first weekend in December than he did last year.

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Reader Augie sent this great “quote” in,  a supposed retort from Bristol Palin to Margaret Cho: “If you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.” 

Okay, a show of hands please from everyone who thinks Bristol wrote that.

Okay, how about a show of hands from everyone who thinks Bristol, age 20, even knows who KD Lang is.

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Bowls and bowled over.

December 6, 2010

 Well, today’s game against the Buffalo Bills is likely to result in Brett Favre’s fewest interceptions of the season, since he was knocked out of the game after his first pass. (Which was, curiously enough, intercepted.)

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Many in the media are questioning whether the Vikings stuck with Brad Childress too long, with interim coach Leslie Frazier now 2-0. Although with today’s 38-14 win over the Bills after Brett Favre was knocked out early, maybe Childress isn’t the only one Minnesota has stuck with too long.

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Giants 31, Redskins 7. Well, as long as Dan Snyder is around, Barack Obama never has to worry about being the most unpopular man in Washington.

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Owner Jed York predicted the 49ers would make the playoffs this year.  Playoffs?  San Francisco isn’t even likely to end up with a record that would make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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NFL union has told players to prepare for a lockout. If so, Stanford fans are more than happy to prepare for seeing Andrew Luck return for another year.

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Four interceptions today for Peyton Manning? Guess he really does think he’s the next Brett Favre.

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Anyone left to doubt the value of television viewers over fans and ticket sales as far as Bowl Games?  Distance between Bradley International Airport (Hartford, Connecticut) and Miami 1194 miles. Distance between Bradley and Phoenix, 2213 miles.

Distance between San Francisco Airport and Phoenix 651 miles, Distance between SFO and Miami, 2585. 

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The Big East and U Conn had lobbied the Orange Bowl heavily to pick their team, to no available. Maybe the Huskies should have offered to have their women’s and men’s basketball teams play at halftime.

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Another reason, besides geography, that Stanford should have been in in the Fiesta Bowl. Would have made sense that the bowl sponsored by Tostitos should have a team from the state that almost legalized marijuana.

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On the other hand,  I can see the Orange Bowl’s point.  Temple, 8-4, was denied any bowl bid whatsover, due to their weak schedule.  And one of those eight teams they beat?  Big East champion Connecticut.

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Delaware Republican Christine O’Donnell set a state record by spending more than $6.1 million in her losing Senate campaign against Democrat Chris Coons.

And Meg Whitman said “Damn, I tried to buy the wrong state.”

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Amateur sports?

December 5, 2010

Cam Newton led Auburn into the BCS national championship with an emphatic 56-17 drubbing of South Carolina. I will say one thing, the Tigers are certainly getting more value for what they’re paying their quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers.

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This could be the year for two BCS winners. Auburn if they beat Oregon. And then the Ducks when the NCAA finally gets around to disqualifying the Tigers after the game.

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And tomorrow the BCS picks will be announced. But instead of going by rankings, the postseason bowls will pick largely on economic factors – how many tickets a team will sell, and how much of a television audience they may attract.

In related news, the New York Yankees have asked Bud Selig to consider a BCS type system.

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On a lighter note, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats mascot was ejected from the game between the Bearcats and Pittsburgh, for throwing snowballs at fans in the stands. On a brighter note, since he hit his targets, he was immediately then offered a tryout with the Bengals.

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Jeb Bush called Sarah Palin “fantastic.” Based on this definition from Merriam-Webster I’d have to agree with him: 1a: based on fantasy : not real b : conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy c : so extreme as to challenge belief.

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The San Jose State Spartans finished off a woeful football season by losing 26 to 23 to Idaho State in overtime. About the only silver ling for San Jose fans.  None of that Sharks postseason letdown.

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San Francisco Giants (and Brian Wilson fans) rejoice:  “The Machine” is back. Pat Burrell resigned with the SF Giants for $1 million without an agent, saying he had made plenty of money and wanted to remain a part of “something special” with his hometown team. Upon hearing the news Derek Jeter just giggled.

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The University of Kentucky has resubmitted their basketball eligibility case for Enes Kanter, who was ruled ineligible for receiving excessive benefits while playing for a club team in Turkey. The school is arguing that like Cam Newton, Kanter was unaware there was an amateurism violation. Translation: if you pretend to believe Auburn’s B.S., why not ours?

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Skid marks.

December 4, 2010

The recently reeling Los Angeles Lakers discovered the cure for a four game skid: It’s called “Play the Sacramento Kings.”

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Apparently Lebron James soured his friendship with former Cavaliers teammate Dennis Gibson with his trash talking during the game Thursday night. Amazing. There was someone left in Cleveland that Lebron hadn’t alienated already?

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Amongst the many points of contention between the NFL owners and players is the potential overall economic impact of a lockout. Yet another sad chapter in the ongoing war between millionaires vs. billionaires.

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Officials from the New York Thruway said they could have done better job dealing with snow after hundreds of motorists were stranded on the road for several hours near Buffalo.   A better job?  Ya think?

Who are these guys, moonlighters from the Bills coaching staff?.

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No one was hurt at Minneapolis-St. Paul Aiport when a Delta Airlines jet slipped off the runway at  during a snow storm.  

Next up for Delta, a snow tire surcharge.

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The Disney-created town of Celebration, Florida had its second violent death in less than a week when a man turned his gun on himself after a police standoff. Although no statistics are available on the number of suicides from people faced with the idea of riding “It’s a Small World” one more time.

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A New York source tells the media that the last obstacle to Derek Jeter and the Yankees finalizing a contract is Jeter’s refusal to accept the fact he is 36 years old and not 26. When he figures it out, maybe he can tell Brett Favre?

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More on that 2022 World Cup:  How did FIFA pick Qatar, with its 118 degree temperatures for the World Cup? Curiously, 118 degrees is also allegedly the temperature at which vuvuzelas melt.

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While some in the U.S. cried foul at the World Cup selection process, rumor has it that FIFA just laughed and said they weren’t even in the same league as the BCS.

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George W. Bush’s “Decision Points” is outselling Sarah Palin’s “America by Heart.”  Makes sense – while they have overlapping fans W’s came out first, which means by the time Palin’s memoir came out, folks had already bought their book for the year.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Random randomness.

December 3, 2010

Jamie Moyer, 48, just had Tommy John surgery but will attempt a comeback in 2012. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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Qatar won the World Cup bid for 2022.

That’s Q-A-T-A-R.     No U (or S).  

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The U.S. spent millions of dollars on its unsuccessful 2022 bid.  Apparently FIFA was undeterred by the money, and the promise of hundreds of fans at each game.

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On the other hand,  the average temperature during the day in Qatar during the time of year that the World Cup is played – 118 degrees..

At least this time when players flop, they’ll be doing it for a reason.

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118 degrees for an outdoor sporting event?  This could be even worse damage done to a sport by the heat since Lebron left for South Beach.

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NCAA President Mark Emmert said he was aware of the outrage regarding their Cam Newton decision, and vowed to fix the loophole. Right, either after South Carolina upsets Auburn Saturday, or after the BCS Championship game. Wonder how these kids get the idea it’s all about money….

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Of course, any final decision on Cam Newton’s eligibility will come only after discussion with the SEC – or as Augie says – “the Southern Ethics Committee.

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John McCain has been criticizing President Obama as “inexperienced.”  But by McCain standards, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre are inexperienced.

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NASA has discovered a new form of life that can thrive on arsenice.  I can see it now, “Honestly, your honor, I wasn’t trying to kill my husband, I thought he was an alien.”

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Bristol Palin lashed out at Keith Olberman for calling her a hypocrite, saying that’s an “old canard.” Shocking. Who taught her the word “canard?”

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Snow could shut down the city of Buffalo for the remainder of the week. And even worse news for sports fans, since the Bills are playing in Minnesota, it won’t even at least cancel their game.

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Christine O’Donnell has just tweeted that she has signed a book contract. No publication date as yet but that will be announced as soon she finds someone to write it for her.

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from Bill Littlejohn:

The Washington Redskins have announced that they will grant full refunds for all tickets in the event of a work stoppage. They will pay out retroactively starting with the Monday night game against Philadelphia”

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Law and Order – BCS and NFL

December 2, 2010

Auburn and the  NCAA said Cam Newton’s father broke rules.   But while the University declared their quarterback ineligible, the NCAA then immediately reinstated him for the SEC title game this weekend.  How does this make sense?  Because it’s the SEC, of course.

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Anyone want to lay odds on what would have happened if it were say, the TCU quarterback who was in the same situation as Newton?

We actually already know, he’d be cheerleading this weekend.

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Reggie Bush is thinking “Damn, if I just let Dad handle the negotiations.

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There’s a new response for high school and college sports stars who want to keep their eligibility.  “Don’t talk to me, my parents handle all the money issues.”

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Meanwhile, in the NFL, Roger Goddell decided not to suspend Texans star wide receiver Andre Johnson, despite the fact that Johnson was involved in an actual fist fight on the field last Sunday.  Coincidentally the Texans just happen to be on Thursday night football.

Goddell’s talked about a strict discipline policy that will teach players a lesson.  I guess the lesson here is,  just don’t get in any fights before weeks your team is playing a game that will be blacked out.

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And meanwhile,  Derek Anderson, who became a YouTube sensation for his outburst in a post-game press conference Monday night, gave what appeared to be a heartfelt apology Wednesday.

“There is a more professional way I could have handled that. I wasn’t raised that way. My mom and dad didn’t raise me to act like that in times of adversity.”

Translation….  Well, wouldn’t you have liked to listen in on the call Derek probably got from his mom Tuesday morning?

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S.F. Giants fans think they know “torture.”  But 49ers fans get to live with the knowledge that their team bypassed Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft in order to take Alex Smith.

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The NCAA’s rationale for reinstating Cam Newton is that there isn’t enough evidence that he knew he was being “shopped.” Yet ESPN reported two recruiters said he told them his dad chose Auburn because “the money was too much.” Even the O.J. jurors are saying “This guy got away with murder.”

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Men are especially glad Cyber Monday is over.  Wonder how many tried to alternate shopping with looking at porn and accidentally ordered their wives inflatable dolls for Christmas?

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An ESPN executive, Norby Williamson, said he does not think Jon Gruden will take the head coaching job at the University of Miami – “He is in year 2 of a long-term contract, and we expect Jon to be on ‘Monday Night Football’ doing what he’s been doing for a long time to come.”  Translation, or at least until he gets a better offer.

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If openly gay men and women in the military is such a problem, why aren’t the same people fighting the repeal of DADT talking about the issue of gays in TSA, or going through security lines? Wouldn’t same-sex gay patdowns be just as much of a potential danger/distraction

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The Los Angeles Lakers lost their fourth game in a row Wednesday night. Who do they think they are? The Miami Heat?

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Great riddle from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times:

Q: What do you get when you cross NASCAR with the Miami Heat?

A: The Daytona Barely .500

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Don’t ask….

December 1, 2010

 According to a Pentagon report, most U.S. troops don’t mind the idea of gays and lesbians serving in the military. The strongest pockets of resistance, however, come from the Marines. I guess they’re looking for “a few good men,” but not any fabulous ones.

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Actually, since the Marines are the branch of the U.S. Military that seem happiest with the current “stay in the closet” strategy,  maybe Tom Cruise was right in that movie when he told Jack Nicholson, “You can’t can’t handle the truth.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Lakers have lost three games in a row.  But hey, it’s the November and the beginning of the season – which means the team’s response to this “slump”  – “Don’t ask, don’t care.”

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Quarterback Derek Anderson of the Arizona Cardinals went on a profanity-laced tirarde during a post-game news conference last night. He was almost as upset as many of the fans who were looking forward all week to the MNF game, and then discovered it was 49ers-Cardinals.

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Some NFL teams are starting to send out season ticket renewal notices, but the league has announced that in case of a lockout, unplayed game tickets will be fully refunded. After Monday night’s game, fans in Arizona are now praying for a lockout.

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Sports Illustrated has selected Drew Brees as their Sportsman of the Year, for his performance on and off the field in New Orleans. Would be interesting to see who would be their “Bad Sportsman of the Year.” (I know who they’d pick in Cleveland..) But any suggestions?  Please feel free to add in comments.

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So the Giants signed Miguel Tejada to a one-year $6.5 million deal. Tejada batted .269 with 15 home runs, 26 doubles and 71 RBIs betwees two clubs in 2010. Guess S.F. decided he was a better value than a shortstop who batted .270 with 10 home runs, 30 doubles, and 67 RBIs in 2010 – Derek Jeter.

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An Alabama P.A announcer was fired for playing “Take the Money and Run” when Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers played the Crimson Tide last weekend.

On the brighter side, the announcer has been offered a job in Cleveland when Lebron James and the Heat play the Cavs on Thursday.

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Actually, while it’s not great sportsmanship, there’s a lot of potential for songs when certain teams or stars show come to town.  For example, how about these suggestions for any game that Brett Favre is the visiting quarterback – “Yesterday.”, or Julian Lennon’s “Just Too Late for Goodbyes.”

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And for that matter, what about the new potential TSA theme song – “The Way That I Want to Touch You.”

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So TCU (situated in Fort Worth,)  will now be in the Big East.  This means that along with schools such as Rutgers and Connecticut, the conference will cover Texas, Kentucky (Louisville) and Florida (University of South Florida.). 

What’s next, a school from Eastern Washington or California?

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