Archive for March 2009

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Do we love our pets more than people?

March 31, 2009

Time magazine asked the question this week, do we love our pets more than people?

But to be fair, no matter how much people spend on their pets, they’ve taken a much smaller chunk out of our 401ks and housing values than people.

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It’s hard to believe Spring Training is almost over. Only another month until the Royals are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

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Apparently women are ending up in the hospital after the shots they are getting to enlarge their derrieres have turned out to be toxic. Butt enhancing injections? Really, isn’t a hot fudge sundae easier?

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President Obama is heading on his first official visit to London. The English are thrilled. They are especially looking forward to once again having a President who speaks their language.

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And Michelle Obama will be accompanying her husband. Because, unlike Secretaries of State, Presidents are expected to bring their spouse along for important trips..

In related news, Bill Clinton reiterated that he has no hard feelings over the election results.

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Tiger Woods’ win last weekend was the highest golf television rating since last year’s U.S. Open, which was Woods’s last tournament before his surgery. While Tiger eases back into the PGA tour, the NHL is trying to see if he has time to drop the cup during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

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Kosher Tequila?

March 29, 2009

No joke, a U.S. company is planning to launch a new Kosher Tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo.

Presumably each bottle will come with a free phone card, because “if you have time to drink tequila, you have time to call your mother.”

Three shots and you’ll be singing “Ay, ay, ay, oy!”

Kosher Tequila, just what you want for those Matzo Wrapped Burrritos and Gefilte Fish Tacos.

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What’s going to be their ad campaign “Kosher tequila – now you don’t even need a hangover to feel guilty?”

or

“When you need a shot of guilt”?

or

“Pass out on Pass Over”?

No word yet on the kosher worm.

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Madonna is apparently trying to adopt a four year old girl from Malawi. What does a 50 year old mother of three want with another whiny child. Guess she misses A-Rod more than we thought.

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Barney Frank called Supreme Court judge Antonin Scala a “homophobe.” Scalia corrected him quickly, saying the correct term is “misanthrope.”

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With the final four composed of two one-seeds, one two-seeds and one three-seeds, Cinderella officially didn’t make it to the NCAA tournament. Apparently her fairy godmother invested with Bernie Madoff.

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Beyond the Votes

March 29, 2009

John McCain said of the 2008 Presidential election – “Over 50 million people voted for me and Sarah Palin – mostly for Sarah Palin,”

Of course, what he didnt say, almost 70 million voted for Barack Obama….maybe mostly against Sarah Palin.

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President Obama’s latest television appearance is today on Face the Nation, following his Tuesday night news conference. last Sunday’s appearance on 60 Minutes, and his appearance on the Tonight Show. Forget standard approval ratings, he might be the first president to be judged by Nielsen ratings.

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As the U Conn Huskies have moved into the final four and closer to a national championship, investigations into serious recruiting violations continue.

Which could lead to an interesting variation on the old Disney question.

“U Conn, you’ve just won the NCAA tournament. where are you going?

“We’re going on probation.”

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More madness..

March 28, 2009

Gilbert Arenas is returning to the Washington Wizards, but retiring from blogging, saying ‘Eventually your words is going to kill you.’

No word on when he will launch his Presidential exploratory committee.

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Five Big East teams could make the Elite Eight at the NCAA tournament. Even scarier, a couple of them could probably make the playoffs in the NBA’s Eastern Conference.

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With the Pitt Panthers one win away from the final four, fans of top college level sports in Pittsburgh are especially excited. Normally they have to wait for the regular season with the Pirates.

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So much for risk tasking. The Elite Eight has four one seeds, two two seeds, and two three seeds. And of course the folks chortling about their positiions in the office pools are the same folks who have had kept all their money in treasury bonds.

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Small victories

March 27, 2009

President Obama has to feel like he is tackling the labors of Hercules these days. But he was right about Duke.

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Duke shot 16 for 60 from the field against Villanova in one of their worst tournament performances ever. In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad the team was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

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Another good news item for President Obama. He chose Joe Biden over Chris Dodd as a running mate.

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President Obama during his online news conference said he did not think legalizing marijuana was a good idea to help the economy. So much for the stimulus package for Krispy Kreme.

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Many New Yorkers are really missing Eliot Spitzer. Not only was he one of the first people to be right about companies like AIG, he also knew how to spend money for a successful stimulus.

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Sarah Palin was complaining again today about last fall’s campaign, saying that that there was no one on the McCain campaign who she wanted to “hold hands with and pray.”

Actually, after Senator McCain chose Sarah Palin his campaign staff spent plenty of time praying.

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Or – She couldn’t find anyone because they were too busy wringing each other’s hands.
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How strange is Sarah Palin acting these days? Even Nayda Suleman said “that woman is wacky.”
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Hillary Clinton said that North Korea firing a missle would be considered a “provocative” act. Bill Clinton said that this might be the first time the words “Hillary” and “provocative” have been used in the same sentense.

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Sarah Palin’s 5 “W”s of Journalism…

March 25, 2009

Governor Sarah Palin this week unleashed yet another diatribe against the media who she is still blaming for the Republicans’ poor showing last November. Palin says that journalists have forgotten the 5 “W”s of journalism. Which I guess to her are “Who, what, when,where and whine.”

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As the NCAA basketball tournament starts up again tomorrow the lowest remaining team is 12 seed Arizona. Since the Wildcats are riding a 25 year straight run of tournament appearances, isn’t calling them a Cinderella kind of like saying your underdog pick to win the 2009 World Series is the Yankees?

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Meanwhile, over at the women’s tournament, the big story is U Conn. Not only a one seed, but an undefeated one at that. With an average margin of victory this season of about 30 points. Yes, 30.

Maybe it would be appropriate for the other teams in the tournament to have the final in the Alamodome.

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Quote of the day, from new American Idol judge Kara Diogardi to a contestant tonight:

“Six words! One of the top performances of the night.”

And President Bush, watching at home, said “Exactly.”

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A break in the Madness…

March 24, 2009

The remaining teams in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament are mostly 1s, 2s, 3s and 4s. With only one 5 and a 12. Most Americans haven’t seen that many numbers so low since they opened their latest 401ks.

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With so many high-ranked teams in the Sweet Sixteen, basketball fans won’t even have the bittersweet pleasure of watching underdogs who get their hopes up and then dash them in the end. But fortunately we’ll soon have the Chicago Cubs.

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President Obama responded to a question about his response to the AIG bonuses by saying “It took a couple of days because I like to know what I’m talking about before I speak.”

And former President Bush said “You can do that?”

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Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to “put 2008 in the rear view mirror.” He also asked them to do the same with his response to Obama’s speech?.

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Many Americans are particularly upset about AIG because of the taxpayer money wasted on undeserving employees in an inept operation. For New Yorkers at least, fortunately they’ll soon have the distraction of the Mets opener at the new Citi Field.

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We’re number 98!

March 24, 2009

How the mighty have fallen: Stanford University, a sweet sixteen team only a year ago, is currently competing in the CBI. (College Basketball Invitational.) This is a pay-for-play tournament for teams who just missed both the 65 team NCAA AND 32 team NIT tournaments.

The Cardinal have won their first two games, putting them on course for the finals. Where if they win, yes, they can print the t-shirts- “We’re number 98!”

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So as we get to the Sweet Sixteen in the men’s NCAA tournament, 14 of the 16 top seeds remain, with only one five seed and one twelve seed remaining as semi-underdogs. 14 out of 16 numbers predicted correctly? Maybe when this tournament is over we should have the seeding committee tackle the banking industry.

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And another problem with the WBC – (World Baseball Classic.) Not only is it during spring training, it is during March Madness, thereby almost guaranteeing that most sports fans are focused elsewhere.

But another suggestion, besides moving it to November. Invite 64 nations. Seed them. And then put out a press release saying that by no means should Americans bet on the WBC, but by the way, here is a printable bracket.

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From my very funny friend Jim Barach:

President Obama has signed a publishing deal with Crown Publishing for a post presidency book. Apparently it is going to be called “What The Hell Was I Thinking?”

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Meow corner.
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Harrison Ford has finally announced his engagement to Calista Flockhart. Apparently he wanted to wait until she had graduated from high school.

or

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have finally announced their engagement. They plan to have a great wedding, being able to take advantage of his senior and her student discount.

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Before county commissioners approved a plan for a new Florida Marlins stadium, they were asked if Miami to become the “only major city in America without major league baseball.”

And in Washington DC, home of the Nationals, fans responded, “what are we, chopped liver?”

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The New York Yankees still have unsold expensive seats in their new stadium. But the team feels confident the seats will sell once buyers realize they won’t have to worry about spending more money on World Series tickets.

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The ugly stepsisters are winning…

March 23, 2009

One seed higher than a four left in the Sweet Sixteen –Arizona, the Pac 10 team no one, including me, thought should be in the tournament in the first place. Zero upsets on Sunday. – zero, no lower seed beat a higher seed in any of the eight games.

Maybe Cinderella’s fairy godmother was too busy fretting about her 401k to show up?

President Obama’s pick are now looking pretty respectable, he is in the top half of the millions of entrants in ESPN’s challenge. Some folks have been complaining that he should be focused on the economy. But really, shouldn’t even a President have some way to blow off steam and relax? I would venture to say March Madness is a better outlet, than say, our last Democratic president found?

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More on the subject of the new official “Yankees Sod” and “Yankees Grass Seed,” where fans can purchase the same sod and/or seed used at Yankee Stadium.

If successful, this will open up a whole wave of new possiblities:

Minnesota Twins grass – inexpensive and surprisingly effective, even indoors.

Red Sox grass – almost as expensive as Yankees grass. Requires years of patience for success.

Nationals grass – imported from Canada in hopes of having it perform better in a warmer climate. So far results are unimpressive.

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Cubs grass – does this need a punchline? But okay, Incredibly popular, but almost always dead by the end of summer.

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Royals and Pirates grass- not very impressive, but cheap. For lawns nobody notices.

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Yankees grass…

March 22, 2009

Yes, for those Yankees fans who can’t get enough of their team, officially licensed grass will now be sold. The farmer who supplies the team has won approval to sell his extra as “Yankees Sod” and “Yankee Grass Seed.”

Presumably the grass will be deep, impressive looking, and expensive. It will also regularly fade in October.

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There already apparently is a form of Mets grass. But it is only sold legal in Amsterdam.

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Good news for the Los Angeles Clippers. With March Madness going on no basketball fans are watching them play.

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Say what, Sarah?

March 21, 2009

Governor Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for his “Special Olympics” gaffe last night on the Tonight Show.

Isn’t Sarah Palin criticizing someone for saying something stupid in a television interview like Bill Clinton criticizing John Edwards for doing something stupid with another woman?

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Or AIG criticizing Citigroup for reckless investing practices?

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Or Michael Jackson criticizing Nayda Shulman’s parenting skills?

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Actually, Governor Palin is sticking by what she feels is well-qualified criticism of President Obama. Not only does she have a Downs syndrome child, she can see Russian Special Olympics athletes training from her house.

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And btw, apologies if any of these Special Olympics jokes are offensive. They aren’t meant to be. (And I’m not running for office.)
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After Barack Obama foolishly compared his 129 bowling game to a Special Olympics attempt, some Special Olympics athletes have come forward to challenge the President to a bowling match.

Following in the footsteps of all the Special Olympics athletes who wanted to challenge President Bush to a game of Jeopardy.

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The California Golden Bears, the NCAA’s best three-point shooting team in the regular season, were bounced in the first round by Maryland. The Bears hit only 29 percent of their three-point attempts.

In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad, they’ve been invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

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How random are some NCAA pool picks? If you think your brackets are busted now, what if it was required that to get credit for a team’s win, you would have to know the city and state where they are located, and the mascot? (Siena, for example.)

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A serious thought, yes, I do post one or two once in a while The World Baseball Classic is not only not grabbing the country’s attention, it is delaying the start of the Major League Baseball season enough that the World Series may go into November. Not to mention some players are getting injured and it may affect their seasons.

So why not put Spring Training and the regular season back to where they were, have the World Series a little earlier, and then play the WBC afterwards somewhere warm and/or indoors? It’s not as if November is a huge sports month, especially earlier in the month before the college football rivalry games get going. And players will be less worried about being injured for the regular season.

Just a thought.

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The Tonight Show

March 19, 2009

President Obama appeared Thursday night on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Some Americans wondered why he could justify taking the time this week; it HAD to take his attention off the NCAA tournament.

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Should we be so surprised about all the foolish financial decisions so many Americans have made? At least five million of us are still convinced we will win our March Madness pool.

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Is there anyone else watching the tournament thinking that maybe the “Pontiac game-changing performance” should be GM building a Pontiac Americans actually want to buy?

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Apparently taxpayers’ bailout money has gone to 13 companies that collectively owe over $220 million in unpaid federal taxes. 13 tax dodging companies!? Or as Timothy Geithner calls them – “my people.”

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What a great night…

March 19, 2009

As of tonight, Wednesday, most Americans’ 401ks may be in tatters, but our brackets are perfect.

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Coach Mike Krzyzewski complained about the fact that President Obama didn’t pick Duke to make it to the Final Four in his brackets.
Said Coach K “really the economy is something he should focus on more than the brackets.’’

Wonder if President Obama thought about responding “Considering Duke hasn’t won a championship in eight years, Maybe the brackets are something Coach K should focus on more than the economy.”

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Want to get some of those AIG bonuses back?

Many newspapers routinely print the names and pictures of people arrested for things such as prostitution or DUI. Why not do the same for those AIG execs who decide not to give back their bonuses?

For that matter, they print the names and pictures of people when they do positive noteworthy things. Suppose any exec who thinks he or she deserves that money could also write an explanation to go with their picture.

Added bonus, it would help sell newspapers.

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AIG executives may soon have to give back their bonuses for poor performance. Wonder how long it would then take the Yankees to ask A-Rod for his playoff shares

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USC’s mens basketball team was a surprising entry into the NCAA tournament by virture of their winning the Pac 10 tournament .

Some found this an especially impressive achievement due to the fact they were using the Clippers’ dressing room at the Los Angeles Staples Center. But really, what team defines high college level talent better than the Clippers?

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President Bush says he will write a book on how he made his presidential decisions. To increase sales, the book will come with a free replica Magic 8 ball.

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Or

Former President Bush says he is writing a book on how he made his most important presidential decisions. The book, of course, will be ghost-written by Dick Cheney.

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Shouldn’t it be A.I.C.G?

March 18, 2009

Shouldn’t we be renaming A.I.G. to A.I.C.G? As in “All I Can Get?”

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Or since the Treasury secretary professed ignorance of the bonuses. despite warnings he had given to the company, maybe A.I.G. stands for Always Ignore Geithner.”
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The latest story is that a provision to limit AIG bonuses was secretly stripped at the last minute, but at this point no one knows who did it.

Isn’t this a job for Jack Bauer?

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Former President Bush, visiting Canada, today declined to criticize President Obama, saying that he “deserves my silence.” Bush added that with Obama’s heritage criticism would be particularly inappropriate on St. Patrick’s Day.

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And all over the country, Americans are wondering, why couldn’t Bush have thought about anyone “deserving my silence” before one of his speeches?

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Former President Bush said he would not now criticize President Obama because “he deserves my silence.” That and the fact that the statute of limitations has not run out.

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America is getting ready for the NCAA tournament: Several weeks of top college level play. In other words, the whole country gets to see what it’s like to be a Clippers fan.

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Countdown to March Madness…

March 17, 2009

Yes, it’s that time of year again. When millions more Americans find themselves not working, even the ones with jobs.

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Really, really bad pun alert.

The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that many men schedule vasectomies during March Madness, so they can have something to watch at home while they recuperate. One doctor said his schedule around the tournament games is full.

So what about those who called too late? Guess they missed the cut.

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A semi-serious thought about March Madness. For football schools still resisting a playoff system, consider this. For the next few days, 64, actually 65, teams, will be scrutinized and followed seriously by millions of Americans. Even small schools. Underdog winners will become national darlings and the talk of newspapers, television and the internet.

Say, anyone remember if there was an upset in the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl?

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Bad timing for AIG, if that news about their bonuses had leaked a few days later…most Americans would have been so busy following their brackets they might not have noticed.

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AIG might have accomplished the impossible: making Nadya Shulman look deserving by comparison.
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AIG could be on its way to setting records for having executives make money while accomplishing nothing. Previous records have been shared amongst executives of airlines, NBC, Congress, and of course the Chicago Cubs.

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Then there’s the World Baseball Classic. An apparent attempt to make baseball as relevant to most Americans as hockey.

U.S. Manager Davey Johnson is actually talking about Team USA forfeiting and bowing out of the WBC due to injuries and the risk of futher injuries. Yep, just giving up. Which would be embarrassing, though for next year several players might be named honorary members of the French team.

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More on that Bush library. But really, isn’t having a library for George W. Bush like building a museum dedicated to the Cubs in the World Series?

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Or – more fill-in-the-blanks…

While we’re talking unlikely libraries, how about unlikely books…

a library dedicated to George W. Bush is about as likely as…

having a book written about the tact and discretion of Ann Coulter..

or the good judgment of AIG executives.

or the team spirit of Terrell Owens.

or the decisiveness of Brett Favre.

this could go on, and on…

And no word yet on if the $300 million Bush library price tag even includes crayons.

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Investments and other jokes..

March 15, 2009

Who knew? – your Beanie Baby collection might now be worth more than your Bank stocks.

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With so many executives getting their golden parachutes and ditching financial service companies, there is the possibility of moving away and starting afresh in a new location. But what to tell neighbors about how you made your money without being so embarrassed?

At least female ex-execs have the option of saying “Oh, I used to be a hooker.”

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Apparently there is talk that the cost of George W. Bush’s library at SMU may exceed $300 million.

Must have been another of those contracts awarded on a no-bid basis to Halliburton.

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Dick Cheney said not to blame the previous administration for the country’s economic woes, saying it is just “a global economic problem.”

Fine, does this mean we can blame them for the “global economic problem?”

Maybe we should give Cheney a break, it’s probably hard for him to adjust to the fact he is no longer President.

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Despite all the bailout money and their huge losses, AIG is still paying huge executive bonuses.

Kind of puts the playoff shares the Yankees have paid A-Rod in perspective, doesn’t it.

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Or, by that standard, Notre Dame’s ten year $40 million contract to Charlie Weis actually looks reasonable..

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We can dream…

March 14, 2009

A few thoughts we can dream about…

Wouldn’t it be nice now, after Bristol Palin has broken up with her baby’s father, to hear Governor Palin say “Well, while it’s great if teenagers can wait to have sex, I realize that that young people do have passionate relationships that may not last, and we should teach them about protection?”

Wouldn’t it be nice now to hear Bud Selig say “We all knew the ball wasn’t juiced, so it had to be the batters. And quite frankly the home runs brought the fans back and we wouldn’t have cared if they were injecting any drug under the sun if it helped save baseball?”

Wouldn’t it be nice to hear Michael Steele, the embattled Republican National Committee Chair say “Listen folks, caving in to our “base” just lost us the Presidency and both the House and Senate. The base can just get over it.”

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Wouldn’t it be nice to hear John McCain say to President Obama “Dude, what’s with this bi-partisan crap? I thought you were kidding, like I was.”

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Wouldn’t it be nice to hear the Chicago Cubs management say “Look, we know fans will fill Wrigley no matter how lousy the team is, so why should we spend the money to get a team that could actually win the World Series?”

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Wouldn’t it be nice to hear Rush Limbaugh say ‘Yeah, even I know I’m full of it. But look at my ratings.”

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This just in…

March 12, 2009

GM says they will not need $2 billion from the government in March. They may, however, need $20 billion in April.
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The new UFL – United Football League – plans to work as a feeder league for tne NFL, by providing a place to play for players who just miss making pro rosters. Then the UFL season will end before Thanksgiving, allowing NFL teams to pick up the best players for the stretch run and the playoffs.

In other words, the same model the Yankees use for the rest of major league baseball.

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The new UFL will be composed of players who aren’t quite good enough for the NFL. Don’t we already have that? I think they are called the Detroit Lions.

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The UFL says their season will be over by Thanksgiving. Raiders fans said “And your point is?”

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John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have ended their on-again, off-again relationship. Again. Even Brett Favre says, “Folks, make up your minds.”

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L is for Layoff

March 12, 2009

The economic crisis hit Sesame Street today as Sesame Workshop, the show’s producers, announced they would cut about a fifth of their staff.

Now Oscar is really Grouchy.

Cookie Monster may be rationed to crackers.

And Big Bird is tiptoeing quietly around all KFC locations.

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So Bristol Palin’s engagement is off. And Meghan McCain said her parent running for president interfered with HER love life.

Wonder if McCain-Palin had won if we would have had the first White House shotgun wedding?

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In a recent poll, 96 percent of Californians said the state was in “bad times.” This is shocking. There are actually four percent who think things are good?

Didn’t know that many Californians were on the payroll of Manny Ramirez.

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The Fiesta, Rose, Orange and Sugar Bowls have signed just deals to keep the BCS format going through at least 2013.

So Barack Obama may be able to fix the economy, solve global warming, and bring our troops home from Iraq. But it doesn’t look like he can do anything about the BCS

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Lucky or unlucky number 13?

March 11, 2009

The Los Angeles Dodgers hope that adding Manny Ramirez to the team will help keep their fans from leaving games in the seventh inning. Well, that and the fact that many of those fans will be sleeping in their cars anyway.

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One more thought on those $99 Manny Ramirez fares offered by JetBlue. There’s apparently no maximum stay rule – on the Manny fares you get bored wherever you go and want to leave soon anyway.
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Its that time of year, when law enforcement tries to stop illegal gambling by cracking down on NCAA basketball pools. As opposed to legal gambling in the stock market.

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This next is from the very funny Jim Barach:

“Wide receiver Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys. You know things have gotten out of hand when you have become too loud and obnoxious even for Texas.”

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New Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele may already be facing a no-confidence vote. Really, just how bad do you have to be after the last guy in charge presided over Sarah Palin’s $150,000 shopping spree? Not to mention the GOP’s losing the Senate, the House and the Presidency.

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Interesting results for viewers trying to vote for contestant number 13 on American Idol Tuesday night. The phone number shown for her ended in “36.” But if callers followed the natural progression of numbers for other contestants ending in 13, they ended up dialing a phone sex number.

Well, add to a long list of excuses “Honey, I was just trying to vote for American Idol.”

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Bernie Madoff has agreed to a plea bargain that could mean 150 years in prison. Many Americans are hoping that at least some of that time can be spent in the stocks.

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Madoff actually may not realize he could really get a 150 year sentence. The man is used to rather exaggerated numbers.

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Let’s see a show of hands from all those who expected the Netherlands to go through to the second round of the World Baseball Classic? Heck, lets see a show of hands from all those who even knew the Netherlands was IN the World Baseball Classic.

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