Posted tagged ‘stupid crooks jokes’

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Forever younger.

March 18, 2014

George Clooney apparently has taken his new girlfriend on a safari in Tanzania. So nice that he was able to find a tour company that offered jeeps with booster seats.

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The New Jersey teenager who moved out of the house and sued her parents for support, then moved back home, today dropped the lawsuit completely. Assuming she finds someone to put up with her, ought to be lots of fun when this young woman plans her wedding.

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The Arizona Diamondbacks have unveiled their latest concession item, a 18-inch corn dog stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapenos and bacon. In related news Chris Christie just asked his aides to schedule a speech for him in Phoenix.

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For all those who have that “sure thing” feel about their brackets, remember when the only question about Tiger Woods passing Jack Nicklaus for wins in PGA majors was “when?”

 

One day of play-in games down. And Albany spared millions of Americans the trouble of figuring out “Where the heck is Mount St. Mary’s?”

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President Obama has joined all of ESPN’s pundits in picking #4 seed Michigan State into the Final Four. So either the seeding committee or a whole lot of experts are going to look pretty stupid.

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The Indianapolis Colts have announced that owner Jim Irsay has voluntarily checked into a “highly respected” rehab facility. Doesn’t “voluntarily” have an asterisk if you only do it when you get caught?

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A lawsuit filed yesterday by four former college athletes accuses the NCAA and its five biggest conferences of being an “illegal cartel.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology. From cartels.

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–Four University of Georgia football players were arrested for allegedly depositing their stipend checks on smart-phone banking apps, and then  cashing the same checks at a store afterward. Let’s see, stipend checks WITH THEIR NAMES ON THEM? #smartphonesstupidpeople

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Maybe we should tell #Putin he can have #Crimea if he takes Florida too?

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New Knicks President Phil Jackson said at his first new conference that he looks forward to delivering a winner to New York. Well that’s guaranteed. Won’t the Knicks in 2014-15 have home games against the Pacers, Heat and Thunder?

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In Houston, a 27 year-old firefighter who had been partying on St Patrick’s Day tried to enter his neighbor’s house by mistake last night. The 64-year old woman, thinking he was an intruder, shot and killed him. If only the poor man had been armed.

 

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From Alex Kaseberg  Now that Courtney Love has claimed she has found Malaysian flight 370, shouldn’t we put her to work finding Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and the Los Angeles Lakers’ offence?

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When you’re a Met.

June 2, 2012

Watched the replays from Johan Santana’s first ever “No-hitter” for the New York Mets. Guess this puts the Mets forever on the list of teams against fair or foul instant replay.

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Passenger on a Taiwan to Los Angeles flight last weekend were surprised to see a songbird flying down the aisle.. A flight attendant caught the bird and turned it over to Customs on arrival.. No word on what flight the bird was on, but we know it’s not an U.S.carrier – they would have charged passengers an extra music fee.

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Matt Kemp’s back on the DL, along with Troy Tulowitzki, Jered Weaver, Roy Halladay, Pablo Sandoval, etc. etc. Will this year’s MLB All Star Game be sponsored by Blue Shield?

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Just once could ESPN humor those of us sports fans who are Tigered-out and actually run a headline about who is LEADING a golf tournament, not how Woods is doing on a given day?

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My friend George was surprised to see President Obama in an Oakland library, but then realized it was a life-size cardboard cutout. Coincidentally he next ran into a life-size cardboard cutout of Romney, but then realized it was the real Mitt.

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This weekend England is celebrating their Queen’s Diamond jubilee. Wow. Who knew Elton John had been recording for 60 years?

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You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Thursday New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg banned large-sized sugary drinks. Friday he signed a proclamation marking the 75th annual National Donut Day.

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John Edwards’ baby mama Rielle Hunter has announced she has written a  soon to be released book about their love affair, titled “What really happened: John Edwards,  our daughter and me.”   Well, there is some justice after all. Looks like with their daughter Quinn,  John has been sentenced to have to deal with Rielle for the rest of his life.

 

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Well, United Airlines is finally doing something to cut the total number of  delays at Houston-Intercontinental Airport by 5 %.  They anounced they are  cutting their total number of flights by 10%

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The SEC says they want a four “best” team playoff for the college football championship. Presumably as long as the conference can have two of the four teams.

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A 32 year old, who was just named “Teacher of the Year”, at his Texas middle school has been arrested and charged with sexting with a 15-year-old girl student. Once again implying, it may not be safe to allow heterosexual teachers in the classroom.

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The Toyota Prius became the world’s third-best-selling car in the first quarter of 2012. Only third? Then how come there’s always one in front of you when you’re in a hurry on the freeway?

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Yet more “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.” A Northern California woman used a stolen credit card at a Safeway. But she used her OWN Safeway Club card to get discounts. “Thank you very much,” said the police who then arrested her at her home.

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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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To mispell or misspell, that is the question.

June 1, 2012

Watching the Scripps  National Spelling Bee – at this point a Caucasian is as likely to win the tournament as one is to win the NBA MVP title.

Heck, most Caucasians can’t even spell the winner’s name: Snigdha Nandipati

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As a friend says, sometimes the saving grace of humanity is that crooks are stupid: A Santa Maria man was arrested and charged with attempting to sell methamphetamines after he accidentally sent a text about selling the drugs to a wrong number, which turned out to be that of  a local police officer.

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The FDA rejected the Corn Refiners Association’s bid to have “High fructose corn syrup” renamed “corn sugar.” Presumably they would have accepted a more honest alternative “butt enlarger.”

 

 

Not a great week for Mark Zuckerberg. Now the news is out that he and his wife were at lunch on their honeymoon in Rome and didn’t leave a tip. The best tip, of course, would have been “Don’t buy Facebook stock.”

 

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The Justice Dept ordered Florida to halt their attempted purge of suspected non-citizens from the voting rolls, on the same day a Federal court struck down the state’s new election law which tightly restricts voter registration groups. Here’s a simpler idea to guarantee a fair election in November: Declare Florida the only Southern State to have won the civil war, and thus officially seceded.  –

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Mitt Romney made a surprise campaign appearance today in front of the former headquarters of Solyndra. Here we go…. Wonder how long it will take the Obama campaign to stop in front of the former headquarters of Enron or Lehmann Brothers.

 

 

And while Mitt Romney is attacking Solyndra, if he wants to go after recent debacles with taxpayer money, wonder why he’s saying nothing about 38 Studios?  They were a video game company that received $75 million in loan guarantees in 2010 from the tiny state of Rhode Island, and just laid off all their employees. I’m sure it’s not just because the company founder was Red Sox ace and ardent GOP support Curt Schilling….

 

Some conspiracy theorists are wondering if the NBA somehow rigged the lottery so that the league-owned New Orleans Hornets got the first draft pick. Really? As if the NBA is competent enough to rig a lottery….

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Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin:  “Researchers with an aviation historical society have found a cosmetics jar that they believe may be linked to Amelia Earhart. Of course. Its vanishing cream.”

 

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As bad as the U.S. political scene is now, it could be worse. Just imagine if we were dealing with the impeachment trial of President John Edwards.

 

 

 

John Edwards may have been found not guilty of one charge today, and had a mistrial declared on the other five. On the other hand, he was still sentenced to a lifetime of being a punchline.

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And after the trial, John Edwards did admit he had done a I did an awful, awful lot that was wrong. If I want to find the person responsible for my sins it is me and me alone.”  But he then added, after saying he was so proud of his oldest daughter Cate for being with him throughout all this process, a statement about  “my precious Quinn who I love more than any of you could ever imagine, who I am so close to and so grateful for.”

Quinn is 4, and I feel sorry for the little girl. But John, really?  She wasn’t watching today,  (well, I hope Rielle didn’t have her watching), so you think he could have waited on that comment?   There really are two Americas, the real one, and the fantasy world John Edwards inhabits.

 

 

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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