Posted tagged ‘Stanford jokes’

The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

Go Cardinal…

March 12, 2010

Actually, for the men’s basketball team most of this year it’s been “Go, please go. Far away.” But they have moments…like tonight.

Stanford men’s basketball team, 13-17, faced ASU, 22-9 in the opening game of the Pac 10 tournament, after having been swept by the Sun Devils in the regular season. And the Cardinal won easily 70-61. Two more wins and Stanford gets an NCAA automatic bid. If so, start investing in ski resorts in Hell.


The “Big Game” between Stanford and Cal-Berkeley has been changed this year from December 4, to November 20, because it conflicted with Stanford’s final exam schedule. Stanford football players said they were relieved. Cal players asked “what are final exams?”


The San Francisco Giants have gotten off to a 7-1 start this spring. Unfortunately, these Cactus League games are meaningless. Sort of like the NBA regular season.


While he mulls over long-term options, Conan O’Brien has announced that 30 city stage tour starting in April. The show will be titled “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television.” But hasn’t that phrase already been copyrighted by Saturday Night Live?

From Bill Littlejohn: With Robert DeNiro playing Vince Lombardi in an ESPN film, you can bet the Packers had a dangerous taxi squad.


Now that SF Mayor Gavin Newsom has decided – surprise- that he will run for Lieutenant Governor, there is word that one of his harshest critics amongst city supervisors, Chris Daly, may endorse him. Should we be surprised? Daly would do more than that to get Newsom out of San Francisco.

A conservative small town in Mississippi has cancelled their senior prom, rather than allow one student to attend with her same sex date. Which is a shame on many levels, because with the town’s anti-sex education stance, the girls would at least have meant one couple had no risk of a prom-night pregnancy.


Commie pinko time.

Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid’s wife and daughter were hospitalized with serious injuries after a car accident. Fortunately the injuries were not life-threatening. Even more fortunately, they have health insurance.

You can’t make this stuff up, Christmas night version

December 25, 2009

The following is an actual quote from Stanford football coach Jim Harbaugh.

“It struck me that here was a man who literally took his team on his back this year and a program and a university. Leading them back to their rightful place, a legendary place in college football.

It was biblical to me; Toby Gerhart was John the Baptist, out into the wilderness making things straight and being called back into the wilderness to bring Stanford football back.”

Some might think Harbaugh’s comments were sacrilegious. Florida fans are just glad he didn’t really over-reach and compare Gerhart to Tim Tebow.

Angelina Jolie gave an interview in which she said ” “I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. “Why couldn’t I have married a nice girl like that?” said Tiger Woods.


In the Emerald Bowl, USC’s rookie quarterback Matt Barkley, 19, will face Boston College’s rookie quarterback Dave Shinskie, 25. Known by his teammates as “Uncle Dave,” Shinskie spent six years in minor league baseball.

This might be the biggest age gap between quarterbacks since any Vikings game this year.


Los Angeles Lakers fans, frustrated by their team’s play on Christmas night, littered the Staples Center court with giveaway foam fingers. As opposed to Golden State Warriors fans, who have been giving their team the finger all year.

Facebook updates:

November 17, 2009

Facebook updates of the day:

Jim Harbaugh is no longer friends with Pete Carroll.

USC and the BCS bowl games are no longer “in a relationship.”

Charlie Weis changed his relationship status with Notre Dame to “it’s complicated.”


Coach Jim Harbaugh is taking some heat for his decision to go for a two-point conversion Saturday with Stanford leading 48-21. Guess it’s a good thing after the Cardinal went ahead 55-21 that they didn’t implement that onside kick plan.


President Obama admitted during his trip to Asia, he has never used Twitter. Many Americans were shocked. Of course, no one expected that Vice President Joe Biden has used Twitter. There’s no chance he could get a thought down to 140 characters.

How white is Sammy Sosa getting from that face cream? When asked about steroids he no longer speaks broken English, but he is saying that he doesn’t want to talk about the past.


from Alex Kaseberg – to give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards.”


Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for an obscene gesture to Buffalo fans after his team’s win over the Bills. Well, at least that’s one bad thing that won’t happen this year to Al Davis.


Of course, in Adams’ defense. He IS 86 years old. So maybe he was just trying to make the V for Victory sign, and couldn’t move his fingers.

The University of Michigan admitted that football coach Rich Rodriguez failed to file the required NCAA forms tracking how much time his players spent on football including practice last year.. Well, I know rules are rules, but it’s not like any extra time did them any good.


The way the Giants and Jets are playing, fans in New York are getting a glimpse of what it’s like to be Canadian Football League fans. Your season’s over before December.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that when John McCain first chose her as his running mate, she claims her biggest fear was that it would be exposed that she once got a D in a college course. And the last thing she wanted President Bush to think is that she was a braggart.