Posted tagged ‘Gingrich jokes’

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Biting the dust.

June 10, 2011

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.

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Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.

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The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.

Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.

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Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.

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Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?

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Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.

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How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately?  Mario Mendova, were he still active,  could bat cleanup.

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An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.

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Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’

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And yes,  we’re not done with Weiner jokes.  (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)

Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”

Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?

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Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.

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Rapture day?

May 20, 2011

 

Sarah Palin’s oldest son was married on Saturday.  Wonder when the baby is due?

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Although not accusing Track Palin of believing that “end of the world” stuff. On the other hand, if you did believe in the rapture, wouldn’t you as a young man want to get married and get laid first?

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If the world really does end today at least Cubs fans will die with this year’s illusions intact.

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Reviewers say the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ultimately a boring two hours where in the end nothing interesting really happens. And this is different from the first three movies how?

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Donald Trump just backed out of a commitment to be the scheduled keynote speaker at major Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa next month, infuriating the head of the state party. What was he thinking quitting like that? Maybe the Donald’s real goal is to run for vice president.

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The Miami Heat television play-by-play announcer was interviewed on KNBR Thursday  morning talking about the team. And he said people just don’t realize how much these stars “sacrificed” to play together, in terms of how many millions they could have gotten in contracts from other teams. Great, does that mean any potential championship parade will also include a fundraiser for these poor guys?

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Meghan McCain came to her father’s defense this week saying “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Calls came for an immediate apology, from Jersey Shore.

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train after she allegedly talked for 16 hours on her cellphone from California to Portland. Once cellphones are allowed on flights, will the emergency exit be available for that purpose?

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“What were they thinking?” award of the week to United Airlines, for reinstating flight numbers 93 (which passengers helped bring down in Pennsylvania), and 175  (which crashed into the World Trade Center)  United has now apologized and said this was a mistake. The airline has changed the flight numbers and said it won’t happen again. It’s this kind of attention to detail that has made the airline industry so profitable over the years.

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Yes, he said it. Newt Gingrich, now complaining about the use of his interview on “Meet the Press” said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood because I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.” (Hmm, wonder if Arnold took his wedding vows on a Sunday.)

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Uh, congrats, but where’s the hair?

May 16, 2011

The happy graduate is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who was drafted out of USC in 2003, but hadn’t graduated. He went back last semester and completed his degree. In history.

(And yes, that’s not a typo.  History.  That means reading real books, with small print. and probably lots of them.  But what DID he do with the hair??  If he cut it for real, instead of putting it in some sort of bun, does that mean he’s sure there won’t be a season anytime soon?  Hair doesn’t grow back THAT fast….)

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In the NHL playoffs, before you think all Canadian fans (as in fans of the Flames, Leafs, Canadiens etc) are rooting for the Canucks against the San Jose Sharks, consider this line from Bruce Arthur of the (Canada) National Post: The notion that all Canadian hockey fans should root for the last remaining member of the club, is like asking the relatives of gang members killed in a six-gang war to root for the last gang standing.”

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Song lyric of the weekend after Oklahoma City won game seven in their playoff series against Memphis, and Tampa Bay won game one against Boston:

“The Thunder Rolls, and the Lightnin’ Strikes….

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An American Airlines flight had to return to Phoenix today after reported light smoke in the cabin. Yeah, some of those pilots just can’t break the habit of having a cigarette when they drink.

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Jorge Posada apologized to New York fans, a day after he quit on the team, and against the Red Sox no less.  (Posada withdrew from the lineup when he was slotted ninth in the batting order.)

No word on whether Yankee fans and his teammates will forgive the quitting.  But Posada WAS named an honorary Los Angeles Laker.

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Murray Handwerker, son of Nathan, and the man who turned Nathan’s Famous hot dogs into a national name, died at the age of 89. Murray attributed his long life to never eating his own product.

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Despite Mike Huckabee’s withdrawal, the GOP presidential race still will have at least seven dwarfs. And no doubt we can count on the future nominee being snow white.

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Newt Gingrich says he should be judged by “what I can do for America now, rather than the past.” Which he doesn’t want to talk about. Then Newt introduced his campaign manager, Mark McGwire.

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Gingrich also said that he isn’t going to be the GOP’s vice presidential candidate. Guess Newt figures he’s no Sarah Palin, as the only thing he quits halfway through are his marriages.

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From Marc Ragovin:

Mike Huckabee said that his decison not to run for president was neither political nor financial, but rather spiritual.  As in he realized, he didn’t have a prayer of winning

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Cold comfort?

February 25, 2011

A London ice cream parlor has started selling scoops made from frozen human breast milk. As far as sizes, presumably the ice cream will be available in A,B, C and D cups.

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Newt Gingrich was questioned by a college student about how he could run on a moral values platform when he’s had at least a few affairs and divorces. And Newt basically responded that “it’s not about my past.” Is he running for President or Home Run King?

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Although speaking of Newt’s future,  if his pattern of chasing younger women continues, will he be the first President to call for his own impeachment?

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Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have set a date for their nuptials – June 18. But many Americans still think of it as a May wedding. As in, Hef MAY make it to the wedding.

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A new study has found that women seemed to have a lower risk of heart attack and death if they had hot flashes at the start of menopause, compared to women who never had them at all. No word on what the risk was for their husbands who ignored these hot flashes.

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Lindsay Lohan showed up for her felony grand theft hearing yesterday in a shirt cut almost down to her waist. Looks like she’s still showing the fine judgment that got her into this situation in the first place.

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Christine O’Donnell says she has been approached by Dancing With the Stars, but will probably turn it down. Apparently they don’t allow props – even brooms.

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How quickly things have changed in the NBA. Baron Davis was traded from the Clippers to the Cavaliers. Who’d a thunk last year that would be a downhill move?

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What’s wrong with the NBA?   All these trades and rumors….and how many teams have a chance to actually win the championship this year?  Realistically?  Four. The Spurs, Lakers, Celtics and Heat. So much for competition.

You know it’s bad when the people most defending the NBA model are the New York Yankees.

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