Posted tagged ‘Favre jokes’

Dinosaurs, etc.

September 18, 2009

For some reason best known only to themselves, CNN is running an online poll asking readers to name their favorite dinosaur. So far T-Rex is beating out a host of challengers, ranging from the New York Times to Brett Favre.


New York anchorman Ernie Anastos has become infamous for his on-air flub of the phrase – “Keep plucking that chicken.” He just wishes plolks would fease stop making such a pluss about it.


Lebron James will portray himself in an upcoming movie about basketball. Of course, based on his refusal to talk to the media or shake hands with Orlando players after the Magic eliminated the Cavs, Lebron already has acting experience…in acting like a baby.


Federal prosecutors are urging a federal appellate court to reverse a trial judge’s ruling so they can present evidence they say shows Barry Bonds knowingly used steroids.

We don’t have money to spend on national healthcare, but the government can spend millions in hopes of proving a player that has been out of baseball for two years did the same thing at least 104 other players tested positive for doing. Is this a great country or what?


An American Airlines flight made an emergency landing after a note was found saying there was a bomb on board. Turns out it was only a disgruntled passenger who had paid $5 to watch “Confessions of a Shopaholic.”


And in the surreal world of reality television, another Kate, this time yet one more alleged recent ex-lover, has come forward to say she “despises” Jon Gosselin. At this point, stay tuned for the sequel of “Jon plus 8 – ex-girlfriends.”

Brett Favre and other babies….

September 5, 2009

In a Walmart earlier this week, a man was accused of slapping a crying whining child. I didn’t even know Michael Crabtree shopped at Walmart.

The Duggars family are expecting their 19th child next March. All 18 of their children have names starting with J. For the next one, may I suggest “Just-say-no.”?

Or as the very funny Alex Kaseberg suggests “Jeez-are-you-kidding?”


Apparently all the Duggars love to watch “Jon and Kate plus Eight.” Their children are fascinated by small families.


Brett Favre won’t play in the pre-season final game for the Vikings against the Cowboys. Which gives him time to film his latest commercial – a solo version of the Miller Lite classic “Tastes great, less filling.”


Whatever else happens this weekend, the Vikings need to keep Favre away from the over 500 store “Mall of America.” If he goes in to look for a present for someone, he could be gone for days.


Who says size matters? Pedro Martinez and Tim Lincecum allowed only 3 runs in 15 innings between them Thursday night. And the two of them together weigh less than Shaquille ONeal.

(heck, the two of them together might weigh less than C.C. Sabathia.)


Although, not to take anything away from the Hall of Fame career of Pedro Martinez, but surely any great pitching performance this year against the Giants’ lineup REALLY deserves an asterisk.


And this is tacky, but….

Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill.

You think you had a bad Monday?

September 1, 2009

It could be worse in Minnesota.

How’d you like to be the guy at the Timberwolves who made the decision to choose Ricky Rubio with the number five pick in the NBA draft?

Or maybe the guy at the Vikings who decided to spend $25 million on Brett Favre now that he may have broken a few ribs.


Bad news for the Vikings if after spending $25 million on Favre he turns out to have been injured. Good news, the bills should be covered by Medicare.


Many people disdain politics because they say campaigning is all feel-good promises and meaningless performances that end up having little to do with reality. So how come so many of those same folks are so excited about pre-season football??

So the University of Michigan is being investigated for allegations that players spent more than 20 hours a week on football during the season. I think the question on those charges is not so much, “is Michigan guilty? as “is there a top Division 1 football program that is innocent?”

In Michigan’s defense to the NCAA, they are saying “Come on, if we really spent that much time at practice, do you think we would have ended up with a 3-9 season?”


A new TSA program will require passengers to give their full legal name AND date of birth when booking airline tickets. You know what that means? – A whole lot more Hollywood actresses on Amtrak.

The SF Giants are hoping the old axiom is true. See a Penny, pick it up, all year long you’ll have good luck.


Personally, what I would really like if the Giants are going to pick up an aging former star, is that they hire Rickey Henderson for a coaching session on how to actually work a count.

For any Canadian readers…

Well, it’s that time of year in some cities, like Washington DC and Pittsburgh, where frustrated baseball fans are relieved to turn to football. Then there’s Toronto. Well there’s always hockey. Hmm, how about those winter Olympics?

(a short note of explanation, the Toronto Argonauts are currently in last place in the Canadian Football League. As to the Leafs, think Cubs. With skates.)

Little League and other amateur baseball…

August 31, 2009

Congratulations to the boys from Chula Vista, a suburb of San Diego. They just won the Little League World Series. The team could end up with an invitiation to Petco Park, except that management is afraid they may beat the Padres.


Joe Biden was honored at the Little League World Series. He was going to say a few words, but officials didn’t want the boys up past their bedtimes.

or

Joe Biden was honored at the Little League World Series. He wanted to say a few words, but apparently the last time that happened at a Little League game, by the time he was done, some players needed to shave.


The Chicago Cubs have been in free fall lately. Some attribute to the fact that on July 31, when the Cubs had a half-game lead over the Cardinals, the Marlins paraded a goat in front of the Chicago dugout. So it could be the Billy Goat Curse. Or it could be…. August.

In 2010, Californians will elect a new governor. And a probable candidate, Jerry Brown. Yes, that Jerry Brown. Governor Moonbeam. How old is the guy? Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, hang it up already.”


Happy Birthday to the great Art Spander. Besides being a great writer, he might be the only living sportswriter who was around to cover Favre’s first retirement.


And from Bill Littlejohn, after quarterback Michael Vick got a rousing ovation in his Eagles debut from the notoriously tough Philadelphia crowd: “Maybe Santa Claus should get into dogfighting.”

They’ve got a not-so-little list…

July 30, 2009

So the latest names on the 2003 Steroid list are David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez. Does this mean we will should start referring to the 2004 World Champions as the PED Sox?


Just a few months ago, Ortiz spoke out about steroid users and said they should be banned. He may have jeopardized his baseball reputation, but with that level of hypocrisy he’s well on his way to Congress.


Let’s hope one of the other Boston names on the list doesn’t end up being Tim Wakefield. That would mean his real pitch speed might be in the 40s.


Now that Pittsburgh has once again traded two of their best players, Jack Wilson and Freddie Sanchez, wonder if fans will start referring to them as the Pittsburgh Pirated?

Brett Favre took his family out to dinner last night after he announced his latest retirement decision. Apparently he’s almost decided on his entree.


The government’s “Cash for Clunkers” program is apparently getting just a little too popular. Today for instance in Washington, management tried to sell the Nationals.

Breakups and beginnings…

July 28, 2009

Tony Romo has apparently banned Jessica Simpson from his house. Apparently the breakup is pretty final. Poor Jessica, had she just dated someone like Brett Favre, the relationship would be back on and off at least a few more times.


Hank Aaron thinks steroid users should be allowed into the Hall of Fame with an asterisk on their plaques. But of course then there should be an asterisk for those who played in the all-white era, and amphetamine users. And anyone caught with corked bats or pine tar…

Hard to believe but one of the most honest men in the Hall of Fame might be Gaylord Perry.

“After the Rose” aired Tuesday night – the Bachelorette followup show where guys have to deal with being publicly told they were a second or third choice. Sort of like being a Minnesota Vikings quarterback.


Now Vikings coach Brad Childress will have to deal with convincing his three quarterback contenders that he really did want one of them to have the top job. It could be worse however, at least Childress didn’t call Favre his “soulmate.”

Although many were worried that Rickey Henderson’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech would be self-serving and egotistical, Henderson was charming, eloquent and didn’t even refer to himself in the third person. Said the newest Hall of Fame member “Rickey didn’t think it would be appropriate.”


And many cynics think President Obama will never get healthcare passed. But miracles happen in Washington every day. Like the fact the Nationals have a four game win streak.

The endless MLB draft

June 11, 2009

Sarah Palin angrily demanded David Letterman apologize for what she feels was an inappropriate joke aimed at her daughter, Bristol.  Said the Alaska governor, no one should exploit my children, except me.

Has anyone noticed that Brett Favre has the same relationship to retirement as Elizabeth Taylor has with marriage?

 

Not saying the Major League Baseball draft goes on forever, but even Joe Biden is saying “Enough already.”

They asked former president and former Rangers owner George W. Bush his opinion on the draft.  Bush said he didn’t know much as he had spent the week at a reunion of the Texas Air National Guard

President Obama may send former Vice President Al Gore to negotiate with North Korea for the release of the two American journallsts. Wouldn’t it more effective to send Joe Biden to just discuss it with them for as long as it takes….

Manny Ramirez doesn’t want to discuss his 50 game suspension,  saying “I  didn’t kill nobody, I didn’t rape nobody, so that’s it, I’m just going to come and play the game.,” 

So much for Manny ever needing to leave tickets for O.J. Simpson or Kobe Bryant.

Sammy Sosa is going to officially announce his retirement from baseball.  Which will surprise both people who thought he might come back.

or

Sammy Sosa is going to officially announced his retirement from baseball.  Or as a spokesman said “Put a cork in his bats, he’s done.’

(Remember those innocent days when corked bats were cheating?)