Posted tagged ‘bowl game jokes’

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Kobe locked out?

December 18, 2011

In Vanessa Bryant’s statement that she and Kobe are divorcing, she asks for “privacy during this difficult time.” Not that I wish the woman any harm, but if she wanted privacy, she should have married someone other than Kobe Bryant.

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Wonder what happened between the Bryants? Did the lockout dent Kobe’s jewelry budget?

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There are rumors that the Lakers’ star’s infidelities just got to be too much. Who’d a thunk Kobe would get in trouble for too many passes.
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The Des Moines Register, a paper that endorsed John McCain in 2008, has given a reserved endorsement this year to Mitt Romney. The musical background to this endorsement, presumably, “Making the Best of a Bad Situation,” or “Love the One You’re With.”

(or as my friend Melodi says “Clowns on the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, “Stuck in the Middle with You!”)

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Mitt Romney said of Congress that “It’s hard to expect a bunch of kitty cats to all come together and march in lock step. The only way to herd cats is to have a leader.” Cats following ANY leader? Sounds like the man who drove on vacation with the family dog strapped to the roof of his car knows as much about felines as he does about canines.

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Newt Gingrich acknowledged in Iowa that his GOP rivals’ attacks have taken a toll on his campaign. Newt says he hasn’t heard vitriol like this since he divorced his last two wives.

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The Gildan New Mexico Bowl between Temple and Wyoming Saturday was the first of 35 bowls this year. If you watch all of them, heck, if you can NAME all of them, you might need a life”
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The Rose Bowl promotes itself as the “Grandaddy of all Bowls.” If true, does that make the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl and Advocare 100 Independence Bowl two of the “Weird Cousins of all Bowls?

Anyone know who won Saturday’s bowl games? Me neither.

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From T.C. One of these things is not like the other…..

The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl, The Beef O’Brady Bowl, Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, Chick Fil-A Bowl, The Outback Bowl, Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, The Fight Hunger Bowl.

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Apparently the Playboy issue featuring Lindsay Lohan isn’t selling very well. Makes sense, most Americans, men included, think they’ve seen too much of Lindsay already.

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Some say it will be difficult to convict Penn State officials of anything, since perjury is so hard to prove. Well, if the government can spend millions to convict an athlete for misleading statements about how he played a game, they can sure get these b*stards.

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Penn State Police have reported they were called to investigate a locker room fight between quarterback Matt McGloin and receiver Curtis Drake. Shocking! Penn State Police know where the locker room is?

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They’re over.

January 11, 2011

Yes, the  BCS bowl games are done for 2010-2011.    But the BCS committee would tell you there’s a reason they need so many games over such a long period.  And might consider more.   I mean, out of 120 FBS (Division 1) teams, as it is now a full 50 of them actually have to stay home instead of going to the postseason.

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Sloppy sloppy national title game. Of course maybe this has something to with the fact that it seems like there was more time between the end of the regular season and the BCS game, than there is between the end of the World Series and when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

Andrew Luck decided to forego the NFL draft so he could return to college and get his degree. Cam Newton still has eligibility left (after attending three schools) and was asked if he would consider the same thing. Replied Newton – “What’s a degree?

Well, after the trouble the Ohio State players got into for selling stuff, there’s no chance that Cam Newton will try to sell any memorabilia from the BCS championship. He’ll have his dad put it on Ebay.

LaMichael James is on criminal probation, Cam Newton says he had no idea his father was “shopping” him. Maybe we should call this the “Crooks and Liars” bowl.

One reason Jim Harbaugh may have chosen the 49ers over the Wolverines might be his well-publicized feelings on Michigan’s low academic standards for athletes. Well, that won’t be a problem if Michigan tries to hire Les Miles from LSU.

TMI department: Between John Boehner’s tears and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (and everything being personal), it’s enough to make you long for the days when men were emotionally repressed in public.

There’s a new iPad app to follow Cam Newton’s season with Auburn.   But you can’t buy it for yourself.  Your dad has to do the shopping.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The top New Year resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you’ve already blown it.

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Rush Limbaugh says the media is “unnecessarily stirring up the country” with the “insane” premise that hateful rhetoric from people like himself and Sarah Palin may have contributed to the shootings in Tucson. Interesting comments from the same man who speculated that the Gulf Oil explosion and spill was the work of “environmentalist wackos”, and blamed Al Gore for inciting them.

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And finally a little rant about the media’s coverage of Chistina Taylor Green, the 9 year old girl who was shot and killed at the Giffords rally.  There have been stories how tragic it was because she was born on Sept 11, because she was the granddaughter of formerPhillies manager Dallas Green, because she was the daughter of a Dodgers’ employee.

Excuse me, she was an innocent 9 year old little girl, her killing was tragic, PERIOD.

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When bad things happen to good quarterbacks…

December 7, 2010

Peyton Manning is saying that the Indianapolis Colts’ inexplicably bad season is his fault. Unreal, Peyton’s not blaming the media? Or the President? Surely some of this is Obama’s fault….

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Mark Sanchez had one of those nights where he had to wish he was still back at USC.  Especially this year, as since the Trojans are on probation.  And he wouldn’t have had to play in December.

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R.I.P Don Meredith, as my friend Alex Kaseberg said “with him around you could actually tolerate Howard Cosell.”

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Not only would “Dandy Don” Meredith have been singing “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” during Monday Night Football’s Jets-Pats game, he would have been singing it at halftime.

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Newt Gingrich has indicated he is interested in running for President in 2012. 

So let me see if I have this straight.  Newt’s had three marriages, (and each time being involved with the next wife while married to the current wife), plus he was reprimanded while Speaker by Congress for ethics violations. 

Sure, I can see why he’d be the darling of the family values conservatives who want to restore faith in the Presidency…,

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Another reason to want a college football playoff: Oregon and Auburn now have to wait FIVE weeks for their BCS Championship Game. Five weeks??! Some of the players will get so bored they may actually go to class.

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And the national championship will pit Auburn, with its controversy regarding Cam Newton, vs Oregon, with its leading running back, LaMichael James, on probation for a domestic violence incident. Makes a certain amount of sense that the stadium is sponsored by that hallowed institution, the University of Phoenix.

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Jayson Werth – a seven year $126 million dollar contract for the Nationals? With that kind of overspending, are we sure Congress wasn’t involved?

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The University of Connecticut must sell 17,500 tickets to the Fiest Bowl, or have to pay for the tickets themselves.    This is a variation on a thought from yesterday, but maybe they should double the price of men’s and women’s basketball tickets, and include a bowl game ticket for free?

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Latest in the “It’s all relative department”: Tiger Woods lost a four shot lead, and then lost the Chevron World Challenge to Graeme McDowell in a playoff today. But Tiger still probably had a better first weekend in December than he did last year.

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Reader Augie sent this great “quote” in,  a supposed retort from Bristol Palin to Margaret Cho: “If you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.” 

Okay, a show of hands please from everyone who thinks Bristol wrote that.

Okay, how about a show of hands from everyone who thinks Bristol, age 20, even knows who KD Lang is.

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The Red Raiders, Spartans, Wizards, and other soaps…

January 3, 2010

Who says soap operas are on the decline. Lately it seems like they’ve just all moved over to ESPN.

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Fired Texas Tech coach Mike Leach may face legal issues regarding his alleged mistreatment of player Adam James. Meanwhile, 14 Michigan State players were suspended from for their involvement in a campus brawl, and 8 of them are facing assault charges. Maybe the Alamo Bowl should have been sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

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Gilbert Arenas and NBA teammate Javaris Crittenton may have drawn guns on each other in the Washington locker room. As disturbing as that sounds, the guns apparently weren’t loaded. And besides, they play for the Wizards, so it’s not as if they shot they would have hit anything.

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Arenas said of the incident that he used “bad judgment.” But didn’t we already expect that? After all, he chose to sign with the Wizards.

Suppose it’s just coincidence that the team used to be “the Bullets.”

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Wonder how long it will take before someone makes and sells retro Arenas “Washington Bullets” jerseys on Ebay..

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On the brighter side for some Washington sports fans, at least for a little while the Redskins are not the most embarrassing story on the sports page.

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Crawling into 2010

January 1, 2010

Which could be the unfortunate slogan of the Cincinnati Bearcats. It’s not that fans in Cincinnati aren’t used to being embarrassed. It’s that usually the Bengals, and the police, are involved.

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It’s now officially 2010. Which could make Brett Favre the first NFL quarterback to retire in three different decades.

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Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has not only been cited for possession of a firearm in the team’s locker room, but also allegedly he “presented” the gun to a teammate during an argument. Okay, now THAT’s stupid, said Plaxico Burress.

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Coaches Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno both won their New Year’s Day bowl games. Thereby proving the old adage – “Age and treachery shall overcome middle-age and skill.”

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Ouching Tiger.

December 4, 2009

The number one customer service question at the Apple Store this week from men – “Uh, how do you delete call logs?

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Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford’s wife has decided to take up golf.

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As rough a week as this has been for Tiger Woods, there are several teams, athletes and coaches who are if not exactly happy about his misfortune, relieved to be at least temporarily off the front page…

For examples:

– the New Jersey Nets

– Charlie Weis and anyone rumored to be on Notre Dame’s short list to replace him, not to mention the 6-6 team including former Heisman front-runner Jimmy Clausen.

– the Saskatchewan Roughriders, who had basically won the Grey Cup, Canada’s football championship, until they got called for a “too many men on the field” penalty during a missed game winning field goal attempt. (The extra man didn’t affect the kick, but the placekicker didn’t miss his second try, and the Montreal Alouettes pulled out the victory.)

– the Gator Bowl, and okay, they have nostalgia on their side, but as a big money New Years Day bowl, with the third pick of ACC teams, they will take 6-6 Florida State.

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On her book tour in Minnesota, Sarah Palin’s staff informed the media that they were banning foreign press and only English speakers would be allowed. Guess up north they were worried they’d have to deal with all those reporters coming across the border speaking Canadian.

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John McCain repeatedly praised AARP when he was running for President. Now that the senior group has endorsed Obama’s health care plan, the Senator is speaking out against them. But to be fair, maybe it’s not that McCain decided to renounce his previous praise. Maybe he just forgot it.

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How times have changed. In 1997, both the U.S. President, Bill Clinton, and the world’s top golfer, Greg Norman, were white. Now we have both President Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. The other difference, now the President seems like the squeaky clean one…

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The Swiss have long been known as the bankers of the world. Now they’ve granted $4.5 million bail to Roman Polanski. Which considering his history, seems like a rather risky proposition. Although if he jumps bail, he’ll actually be America’s problem, and the Swiss, while potentially embarrassed, can keep the money. Hmm……maybe I’m begining to see how they got all those banks.

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