Posted tagged ‘Barbara Walters jokes’

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We’ve come a long way, baby?

December 16, 2014

Not exactly. Barbara Walters named Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the “Most Fascinating Person of 2014,” because marrying George Clooney was “one of the greatest achievements in human history.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

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Credit where credit is due. So far NJ Gov. Chris Christie, who was spotted last night in owner Jerry Jones’ luxury box, refuses to renounce his love for the Dallas Cowboys, saying he would never change his team loyalties to score political points. Besides, if Christie starting rooting for the Giants or Jets this year Americans would seriously question his sanity.

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#‎JohnnyManziel‬ said Sunday was “a little bit of an off day.” In related news, the ‪#‎Cubs‬ have had a little bit of an off century.

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The movie “Titanic” is leaving Netflix in 2015. This news will disappoint millions of women and about two men.

 

New Orleans Saints – 6-8, 1st in NFC South. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Saints fan and I love Drew Brees. But normally this level of mediocrity is only rewarded by re-election.

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Northern California is getting enough rain that now some people who have been claiming they don’t have nice lawns because of the drought will now have to admit they don’t have lawns because they are lazy.

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Happiest non-Saints fans tonight are Detroit fans, as Lions play the Bears next week and need a win to make playoffs ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎NOvsCHI‬ ‪#‎Saints‬

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The NFL admitted they made a mistake calling SF LB Nick Moody for a roughing-the-passer penalty in the 49ers 17-7 loss yesterday.. And the Seahawks then scored a TD instead of settling for a FG. Which is some validation, although the final score then would have been 13-7.

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From T.C.  “After almost 8,000 no shows at Soldier Field, and another brutal performance tonight, the Chicago Bears will announce Jon Lester as their starting QB in week 16.”

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So the SF Giants “lost” Chase Headley to the NY Yankees, 4 years, $52 million. But the guy’s stats last year? He hit .243 with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. We aren’t exactly talking Brooks Robinson here.

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Apparently a British TV crew discovered a “magic” mushroom in the Buckingham Palace gardens. Hmm, maybe now we know how the Queen can smile and waive all the time.

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A new Gallup Poll said Congress’s job-approval rating this year averaged 15%. Wow. Anyone know someone in that 15%?

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Now ABC News is reporting that in a taped phone conversation, an NFL executive promised Adrian Peterson a two-game suspension instead of the indefinite ban he was given. Give the league credit, whatever bad stuff happens, the NFL itself still often manages to come off worse than the suspended players.

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Wanna get away?

June 9, 2014

southwest

 

Hey, we all were student drivers once.

 

(But Southwest pilot happy hours have been cancelled until further notice.)

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The CIA, besides being on Twitter, now has a Facebook account. So my fellow Americans, our privacy is safe. Our spies will be spending most of their days looking at cats.

 

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Dwyane Wade was fined $5,000 for his Game 2 flop that resulted in a foul against Manu Ginobili, who didn’t touch him. Let’s see, $5,000 when you win a 2 point game…? Guessing the Heat will tell Wade to keep that move in his playbook.

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This season the Jacksonville Jaguars have replaced 9,500 seats with a party deck with two pools and 16 cabanas, which can be rented for $12,500 a game including food and drink for 50 people. Which might be worth it for fans to have something to do other than having to watch the Jags on the field.

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Barbara Walters is coming out of retirement to interview the father of the young man who killed six people at UCSB last month. “Atta girl,” said Brett Favre.

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So would someone like to ask #CaliforniaChrome owner #SteveCoburn what he thinks of baseball’s DH?

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The GOP in Texas ratified a platform endorsing so-called “reparative therapy,” psychological treatments that try to turn gays straight. Too bad there isn’t a reparative therapy for stupid.

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Oakland mayor Jean Quan was involved in a traffic accident this weekend, and said at first just that “another vehicle struck my left-rear tire. I immediately pulled over and checked to make sure no one was hurt” Now she said she’s “unsure” if she ran a red light.But I was “not on my phone.” With this much equivocation is Quan trying to show she is ready for higher office?

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Congressman Jeff Miller, denying that people have had anything to do with climate change: “Then why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Were there men that were causing — were there cars running around at that point, that were causing global warming? No. The climate has changed since earth was created.” Back on your game, Florida.

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A public service announcement from my friend Julia Park Tracey. For future reference: If your white supremacy neighbors brag about “doing another Columbine,” maybe you ought to report that. #helpfulhints

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So how did this #LAKings team ever get down 3-0 to the #SJSharks? #StanleyCup

 

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Lebron James said that to clear his head between games 1 and 2 of the NBA finals, he went to see the movie “Malificent.” Wonder if he identifies with the title character?

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Today, Donald Sterling says he will “fight to protect my rights,” withdraw his support for the sale of the Clippers, and again pursue a $1 billion lawsuit against the NBA. Well, this ought to do wonders for those who say Sterling is no longer capable of decision making.

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125 degrees of separation?

May 16, 2014

FIFA’s president says the Qatar World Cup was a mistake. What was his first clue?

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Tara the cat, the internet sensation who saved a little boy from a dog attack, will now throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Bakersfield Blaze minor league baseball game. Hey, don’t laugh. The cat probably has a better chance of throwing a decent pitch than the Mets bullpen.

 

A NY Mets employee trying to get “Lion King” tickets for Sandy Alderson’s family accidentally sent the GM’s credit card info in a group email to the NY media today. And as far as embarrassment, this episode will still probably be topped this month by something the Mets do on the field.

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Former Nixon White House aide, Jeb Magruder, 78, who served timed in prison for Watergate, has died. Before sentencing, Magruder had told the judge he had lost his “ethical compass.” And many of the post-Watergate generations reading that now are thinking -“people in politics HAVE ‘ethical compasses’?”

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Barbara Walters said goodbye to “The View.” Friday morning. And most men responded “Barbara Walters was still on TV?”

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A lawyer for supermodel Tyler Beckford’s nephew, who allegedly killed a bus driver after stealing a car and speeding through New York City, said murder charges should be dismissed because the 23 year old was too drunk to know what he was doing. What, the defendant couldn’t afford an “affluenza” defense?

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Lots of excitement over the hiring of new Golden State Warriors coach Steve Kerr. Wonder how long it will be before it’s all his fault.

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Video footage has been released of Heisman winner Jameis Winston allegedly shoplifting crab legs. Maybe the footage can serve as an audition for an endorsement contract with Red Lobster?

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Thursday, May 15, was “National Chocolate Chip Cookie Day.” Which means Friday, May 16 was “The Bleeping Scale Must Be Broken Day.”

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Julio Franco, 55, has signed a contract to be the player-coach for the Fort Worth Cats of the United Baseball League. What’s next for the Cats, trying to sign that nice young man, Jamie Moyer?

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From Marc Ragovin ” 55-year old Julio Franco has signed with the Fort Worth Cats of the Independent League. At his age it should be the Independent Living League.”

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The RNC is selling “I’ll be damned, I’m a Republican” t-shirts. And somewhere Jesus is thinking about his message of tolerance, peace and helping the poor, and thinking “You may be right.”

 

Mixed reviews on the new Godzilla movie, many centering on weaknesses in the plot. And most monster movie fans are thinking “Plot?”

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