Archive for April 3, 2014

Not the Onion.

April 3, 2014

British celebrity chef Nigella Lawson was reportedly barred from getting on a flight from London to Los Angeles because of her admitted past cocaine use. What, Hollywood had already hit their monthly quota of celebrity drug users?

 

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson apparently can’t enter the U.S because of her recent history with cocaine.. On a brighter note, figure there’s a good chance she’ll get a personal invitation from the Mayor to visit Toronto, Canada.

In the first inning of today’s game in Pittsburgh, Chicago Cubs OF Junior Lake wore the wrong road jersey. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him $20,000.

Tim Hudson, 38, had such a good first start for the SF Giants last night, he may ask his younger teammates in the clubhouse today if he can play music from some of his favorite 8-tracks.

 

Cavemen awards for the week: On talk radio Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa criticized NY Mets’ second baseman Daniel Murphy’s decision to miss the first two games of the season to be with his wife for the birth of the couple’s first child. Besides, the Mets are now 0-3. Maybe they should be criticizing the players who have shown up all three games.

Former DWTS host Brooke Burke-Charvet tweeted that she was okay after crashing her Maserati. And millions of men were thinking “Fine, but how’s the Maserati?”

 In South Carolina, the Columbian Mammoth is finally close to being named the state fossil, after the bill stalled when a GOP Senator added two verses from the book of Genesis. The bill then passed with a compromise amendment saying the mammoth was “created on the sixth day along with the beasts of the field.” Suppose we can take it as a good sign that South Carolina actually acknowledges the existence of fossils?

This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “Forgetting to set the clock for Daylight Saving Time may have caused a car bomber in Dublin to blow himself up. He learned the hard way about what it is like to really spring forward.”
David Letterman has announced his retirement in 2015. Will he be replaced for ten months by Conan O’Brien?

 

Mississippi’s governor signed the Mississippi Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which becomes law July 1. The bill says government cannot put a substantial burden on the practice of religion. So if a Muslim wants to open a store and insist all women who work and shop there wear hijabs, guess that’s going to be okay now.

 

CNN headline today says there is a “‘Big'” announcement coming” Friday in the Malaysian Airlines plane search. Stand by for regular updates on how many hours away we are from the big announcement.

 

Charles Koch said he is politically involved because he wants a “free society.”   “The central belief and fatal conceit of the current administration is that you are incapable of running your own life, but those in power are capable of running it for you.” I guess this makes sense if you believe corporations are people, but women aren’t.

Johnny Manziel now also wants to trademark “The House That Johnny Built.” Even Richard Sherman is thinking, “Man, this kid is cocky.”

 

 

Fort Hood’s commanding general on the shooter: “We have very strong evidence that he had a medical history that indicates an unstable psychiatric or psychological condition… We believe that to be the fundamental underlying causal factor.” Uh, and how about the fact that with his history this guy had easy legal access to a gun?

Budget solution?

April 3, 2014

An idea after the latest Supreme Court decision abolishing individual limits on giving to campaigns. Since the idea with all this money is to buy politicians, why can’t states start charging sales tax on donations?

 

 

Two straight wins to open the season for the Houston Astros. How long until Mayor De Blasio gets blamed for the NY Yankees?

 

The Phillies’ Ben Revere now owns the MLB record for 1,410 career plate appearances without a single home run. But he’s still two away from passing Duane Kuiper.

 

 

Stay classy, Arizona. Some SF fans rented the box behind home plate at last night’s Giants-D’backs game. Rather than having them show up in orange and black on TV, the Diamondbacks moved them all another box behind the dugout. Kind of makes you want some group to rent the pool, come in wearing nondescript clothes, then put on TONS of Giants stuff in the 1st inning,

The Diamondbacks also apparently can’t keep their new $25 corn dog, dubbed the “D’bat” in stock at their concession stands. The 18 inch hot dog filled with cheddar and jalapeno, then wrapped in bacon, battered and deep fried.  And it’s been a huge seller.  Upon reading this at least 100 cardiologists made plans to move to Arizona.

Alabama RB Altee Tenpenny has been charged with marijuana possession. Am sure coach Nick Saban will come up with some stern punishment like making Tenpenny sit through three quarters of the Tide’s game against Florida Atlantic.

A couple will stand trial for an alleged unspecified sex act aboard an Air Canada plane this January. That’s Canada. In the U.S. the airline would probably have levied an inflight entertainment charge.

Former S & L executive and convicted felon Charles Keating has died at 90. Suppose it would make sense for taxpayers to pay for his funeral, heck, we’ve already covered over $3 billion for his financial house of cards.

Breaking television news “A microclimate weather alert” with rainstorms in Northern California. Rainstorms. And back east they are just giggling.

Vladimir Putin has divorced his wife. Last year Russian leader said “It was a joint decision: we hardly see each other, each of us has our own life.” Responded Bill Clinton “And your point is?”

These instant replay reviews are taking 2-3 minutes. Meaning that each of them takes almost as long as Mike Hargrove’s or Nomar Garciaparra’s batting box routines.

 

 

Mississippi just passed a new “religious freedom” law, similar to the one vetoed by Gov. Jan Brewer in Arizona, that would allow hotels, restaurants and pharmacies to refuse to serve gays. Guess the state doesn’t think they have enough tourist business to threaten.