Not the Onion.

British celebrity chef Nigella Lawson was reportedly barred from getting on a flight from London to Los Angeles because of her admitted past cocaine use. What, Hollywood had already hit their monthly quota of celebrity drug users?

 

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson apparently can’t enter the U.S because of her recent history with cocaine.. On a brighter note, figure there’s a good chance she’ll get a personal invitation from the Mayor to visit Toronto, Canada.

In the first inning of today’s game in Pittsburgh, Chicago Cubs OF Junior Lake wore the wrong road jersey. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him $20,000.

Tim Hudson, 38, had such a good first start for the SF Giants last night, he may ask his younger teammates in the clubhouse today if he can play music from some of his favorite 8-tracks.

 

Cavemen awards for the week: On talk radio Boomer Esiason and Mike Francesa criticized NY Mets’ second baseman Daniel Murphy’s decision to miss the first two games of the season to be with his wife for the birth of the couple’s first child. Besides, the Mets are now 0-3. Maybe they should be criticizing the players who have shown up all three games.

Former DWTS host Brooke Burke-Charvet tweeted that she was okay after crashing her Maserati. And millions of men were thinking “Fine, but how’s the Maserati?”

 In South Carolina, the Columbian Mammoth is finally close to being named the state fossil, after the bill stalled when a GOP Senator added two verses from the book of Genesis. The bill then passed with a compromise amendment saying the mammoth was “created on the sixth day along with the beasts of the field.” Suppose we can take it as a good sign that South Carolina actually acknowledges the existence of fossils?

This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “Forgetting to set the clock for Daylight Saving Time may have caused a car bomber in Dublin to blow himself up. He learned the hard way about what it is like to really spring forward.”
David Letterman has announced his retirement in 2015. Will he be replaced for ten months by Conan O’Brien?

 

Mississippi’s governor signed the Mississippi Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which becomes law July 1. The bill says government cannot put a substantial burden on the practice of religion. So if a Muslim wants to open a store and insist all women who work and shop there wear hijabs, guess that’s going to be okay now.

 

CNN headline today says there is a “‘Big'” announcement coming” Friday in the Malaysian Airlines plane search. Stand by for regular updates on how many hours away we are from the big announcement.

 

Charles Koch said he is politically involved because he wants a “free society.”   “The central belief and fatal conceit of the current administration is that you are incapable of running your own life, but those in power are capable of running it for you.” I guess this makes sense if you believe corporations are people, but women aren’t.

Johnny Manziel now also wants to trademark “The House That Johnny Built.” Even Richard Sherman is thinking, “Man, this kid is cocky.”

 

 

Fort Hood’s commanding general on the shooter: “We have very strong evidence that he had a medical history that indicates an unstable psychiatric or psychological condition… We believe that to be the fundamental underlying causal factor.” Uh, and how about the fact that with his history this guy had easy legal access to a gun?

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