Archive for September 2009

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
Newer Entries »

More half-baked thoughts…

September 9, 2009

Apologies to readers if these jokes are more half-baked than usual, writing this week on vacation, which means that many of them are written more half-asleep than usual.

–
William Del Biaggio, a Silicon Valley venture capitalist, and former part owner of the San Jose Sharks, has been sentenced to eight years in jail for fraud relating to his attempt to buy part of another NHL team, the Nashville Predators.

Eight years in jail. For the Predators?

–

Caster Semenya posed for a glamorous photo shoot in a South African magazine. Although the idea was controversial the stylists did a nice job, she looks almost as pretty as Ryan Seacrest.
–

Former Patriots defensive end Richard Seymour failed to report for a second day to Oakland after being traded to the Raiders. Apparently some of it has to do with under going post-trade testing. Well, I don’t know about the physical part but as to any psychological portion of the tests, I would say not wanting to show up to play in Oakland would indicated he should pass.

–

Virginia gubernatorial candidate Bob McDonnell’s campaign was thrown for a loop because of his recently revealed anti-women and homosexual statements. In fact, it might be the most self-inflicted damage a Republican has done lately with his pants on.

–
Sarah Palin, despite having never run a company and not completing her term as governor, nonetheless was given op-ed space in the Wall St Journal.

Isn’t that like Joe Biden writing something for a newsletter for mimes?

–

The San Francisco Giants top prospect Madison Bumgarner was a last minute call-up for an emergency start on Tuesday night. He said later he wasn’t nervous about facing major-league hitters, he just wished more of them were on the Giants.

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Random thoughts from across the world.

September 8, 2009

In the end, Pacman Jones did not sign with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Apparently someone finally told him that the Mounties were real cops.

In President Obama’s speech to schoolchildren, he tells students that the key to success is to work hard and stay in school.

The Republican rebuttal, with an assist from reader Mark – the key to success is having rich parents who get tax cuts.

–
More nastiness today from Jon Gosselin about his soon to be ex-wife, saying that he now “despises” her. The working title for the rest of the season “Jon and Kate plus Hate.”

–
Sometimes, real life is weirder than any punchline or skit idea anyone can think up. Or maybe not, maybe this was an idea for a skit once. Now it is a restaurant chain in Asia. Modern Toilet. Chairs made out of toilet bowls, food served in mini-toilet bowls and urinals. The actual link is below.

http://www.moderntoilet.com.tw/en/about.asp

–
Another great one from Alex Kaseberg:

There is a new video game where you pretend to play Beatles songs on fake instruments. They got the idea from the career of The Monkees.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Labor day

September 7, 2009

The idea of celebrating Labor Day has to feel more than a little off for the millions of the Americans who are out of work. Sort of like celebrating Valentine’s Day at a Star Trek convention.

–

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he is not resigning and intends to do “what God wanted me to do with my life”. Wouldn’t that have been a good idea to start doing before he went to Argentina?

–
Sign in a McDonalds in Seoul Airport. “Everyday create your most delicious happiness” Doesnt that start by not going to Mcdonalds.

–
The SF Giants hit into their first triple play in 11 years. This was particularly shocking because Giants fans didn’t realize their team could put two men on base at once.

The current issue of Sports Illustrated has a little purple circle, on their COVER, containing the number four with a slash through it. Around the circle are the words “100 % Favre-Free Issue”

Well, maybe until they put that circle on the cover…

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 1 Comment

Headline heaven

September 6, 2009

So how good is it for headline writers in the San Francisco Bay Area?

The SF Giants have just picked up a pitcher by the name of Penny.

And the Stanford Cardinal’s starting quarterback is a kid by the name of Luck…

–
And former USC quarterback John David Booty was cut by the Vikings.

Which means, of course, he’s waiting for another team to give him a Booty call.

–
After a disappointing 2008 season, Notre Dame won their first game of the year over Nevada, 35-0. When asked about the impressive win, coach Charlie Weis said “These guys are hungry, a lot of it has to do with hunger.” Yeah, and a lot of it has to do with playing Nevada.”

–
How stocked are the SF Giants with pitching? Besides Matt Cain, a hard-luck 13 and 4 with a 2.51 ERA… by the numbers, they have three Cy Young winners (Zito, Lincecum, Johnson), one guy who threw a no-hitter (Sanchez) , and two guys who dated Alyssa Milano (Zito and Penny)

–
I apologize if this offends anyone, but, too hard to resist. San Diego Chargers star Shawne Merriman was arrested and charged with choking his girlfriend. Which is shocking. Usually the only choking the Chargers do is on the field.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: Be the first to comment

Biblical updates..

September 5, 2009

Apparently a modernized New International Version of the Bible is due out in 2011. While the idea is to make the Bible more accessible to younger people, I am not sure how I feel about “And God changed Adam’s status to ‘in a relationship.'”

–
Brett Favre is currently doing a Wrangler’s commercial, with the tag line “When I think of value, I think of Wrangler, always have.” Stand by for next week, when Favre makes his first appearance for Levis.

–
Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount was suspended for the year for punching a Boise State player who taunted him after the game Thursday night. On a brighter note, he might be offered a tryout with the San Francisco Giants, who are getting desperate looking for ANYONE who can hit.

–
Forbes just published a little of the world’s happiest cities. The only American city on the list. San Francisco. Let’s see, 49ers, Giants, As, Raiders, Warriors… Pretty obvious the study wasn’t co-sponsored by Sports Illustrated.

–
Ohio State paid $1 million to Navy to play the Buckeyes in their season opener. It was the first meeting between the teams since 1931. And Ohio State escaped with a four point win on an interception of a potential game-tying two point conversion. The Buckeyes plan to invite the Midshipmen back again, in about another 78 years.
–

Let’s see, paying $1 million almost to be embarrassed on national television. For that amount couldn’t Ohio State have come up with more of a sure thing, like playing the Detroit Lions?

–
A $1 million payment to Navy to almost be embarrassed on national television. Suddenly the Pentagon looks like responsible spenders.

–
So Heisman winner Sam Bradford turned down millions in the NFL this year to return to Oklahoma. He was injured in the first game of the year, will be out indefinitely, and the Sooners were upset by BYU. The happiest people outside Utah? Anyone on the 49ers involved in negotiations with Michael Crabtree.
–
–
Republicans are up in arms over President Obama’s plan to speak to the nation’s schoolchildren Tuesday, because they feel that somehow the speech encourage the children to become Democrats. They would have far preferred Vice President Biden say a “few words,” as they feel that would have helped the children become Republicans.

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Brett Favre and other babies….

September 5, 2009

In a Walmart earlier this week, a man was accused of slapping a crying whining child. I didn’t even know Michael Crabtree shopped at Walmart.

–

The Duggars family are expecting their 19th child next March. All 18 of their children have names starting with J. For the next one, may I suggest “Just-say-no.”?

Or as the very funny Alex Kaseberg suggests “Jeez-are-you-kidding?”

–
Apparently all the Duggars love to watch “Jon and Kate plus Eight.” Their children are fascinated by small families.

–
Brett Favre won’t play in the pre-season final game for the Vikings against the Cowboys. Which gives him time to film his latest commercial – a solo version of the Miller Lite classic “Tastes great, less filling.”

–
Whatever else happens this weekend, the Vikings need to keep Favre away from the over 500 store “Mall of America.” If he goes in to look for a present for someone, he could be gone for days.

–
Who says size matters? Pedro Martinez and Tim Lincecum allowed only 3 runs in 15 innings between them Thursday night. And the two of them together weigh less than Shaquille ONeal.

(heck, the two of them together might weigh less than C.C. Sabathia.)

–
Although, not to take anything away from the Hall of Fame career of Pedro Martinez, but surely any great pitching performance this year against the Giants’ lineup REALLY deserves an asterisk.

–
–

And this is tacky, but….
–
Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Let’s hear it for mercenaries.

September 3, 2009

The following respectfully submitted as possible headlines. After the SF Giants’ $100,000 September rental, Brad Penny, pitched 8 shutout innings and got the win against the Phillies.

(for all those not baseball obsessed, because Penny was waived/cut by the Red Sox, who are paying most of his multi-million dollar salary, and no one picked him up originally, the Giants only have to pay him the major league minimum for the rest of the season, which is actually under $100,000.)

Anyway, the headlines:

So far, worth every Penny.

Who says there’s no value in a Penny?

Not such a bad Penny.

Giants benefit from a Penny saved.

of course, if he loses his next three starts, these all change.

–

Mark Sanford, once again considering himself unjustly persecuted, is now comparing the ethics attacks on him with those made on Sarah Palin. At least he didn’t refer to Sarah as his “soulmate.”
–

Curt Schilling, with absolutely no political experience whatsoever, has announced he is interested in Ted Kennedy’s former Senate seat. I believe the correct response is “Put a bloody sock in it.”

–
You have to wonder, why would Schilling want to join the Senate? Maybe because watching their performance over the past few years, it’s one group where he can be sure that no one is taking anything performance enhancing?

–

The SF Giants have changed their minds and decided to promote Buster Posey. Guess they figure he can’t do any worse than the minor league hitters they already have in their lineup.

–
In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the U.S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists.
–

commie pinko joke alert.

Former Monteal Canadiens coach Jacque Demers, a self-described former functional illiterate, has been appointed to the Canadian Senate. Big deal, down in the U.S., we elected a functional illiterate President.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Prejean, Pacman, the Pac 10 and other problems…

September 2, 2009

USC cornerback Shareece Wright has been ruled academically ineligible for the entire 2009 season. That’s a real shame, said absolutely no one outside of Los Angeles.

–
USC cornerback Shareece Wright is academically ineligible for the 2009 season. This follows the team’s starting fullback Stanley Havili being unable to play in last year’s Rose Bowl for academic reasons, and backup quarterback Mitch Mustain having eligibility issues earlier this year. Now we know what USC really means – Usually Skipping Class.

Rumor has it that the class Wright failed was a close call. He took underwater basketweaving and almost drowned.

–
The fifth-place (out of six) Cincinnati Reds sold 9087 tickets for a game Monday against the last-place Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. There are actually over 9000 people who were willing to pay to see the Reds-Pirates?
–

Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California pageant because she claims being fired damaged her career. Let’s see, how many former Miss Californias can you name? Maybe the pageant should sue her for non-payment of publicity services rendered.

(Or, as suggested by a couple friends, ask for their implants back.)

–
–
Adam “Pacman” Jones has signed a contract with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. The team GM has said he expects Pacman to be a major contributor to the team, presumably because there aren’t many places to get into trouble in Winnipeg.

John Murphy, the Blue Bombers’ director of player personnel, said of “Pacman” Jones… he is going to “bring some fun and excitement to our team, our locker room, our city, and our league.”

Wonder if he’s alerted the Mounties.

–
Lets hope that when “Pacman” signed with the Blue Bombers that he didn’t think he was signing up for a women’s roller derby team.

–

Once again, the cure for a pitching slump? Play the SF Giants. Cole Hamels, 0-3 in August, allowed just two hits in a 1-0 victory. Although the Giants did have a leadoff double wasted and then the leadoff runner in the ninth inning picked off.

–

How badly are the SF Giants doing with men in scoring position? About as well as a group of fraternity guys on a lesbian cruise.

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

You think you had a bad Monday?

September 1, 2009

It could be worse in Minnesota.

How’d you like to be the guy at the Timberwolves who made the decision to choose Ricky Rubio with the number five pick in the NBA draft?

Or maybe the guy at the Vikings who decided to spend $25 million on Brett Favre now that he may have broken a few ribs.

–
Bad news for the Vikings if after spending $25 million on Favre he turns out to have been injured. Good news, the bills should be covered by Medicare.

–
Many people disdain politics because they say campaigning is all feel-good promises and meaningless performances that end up having little to do with reality. So how come so many of those same folks are so excited about pre-season football??

–

So the University of Michigan is being investigated for allegations that players spent more than 20 hours a week on football during the season. I think the question on those charges is not so much, “is Michigan guilty? as “is there a top Division 1 football program that is innocent?”

In Michigan’s defense to the NCAA, they are saying “Come on, if we really spent that much time at practice, do you think we would have ended up with a 3-9 season?”

–
A new TSA program will require passengers to give their full legal name AND date of birth when booking airline tickets. You know what that means? – A whole lot more Hollywood actresses on Amtrak.
–

The SF Giants are hoping the old axiom is true. See a Penny, pick it up, all year long you’ll have good luck.

–
Personally, what I would really like if the Giants are going to pick up an aging former star, is that they hire Rickey Henderson for a coaching session on how to actually work a count.
–

For any Canadian readers…

Well, it’s that time of year in some cities, like Washington DC and Pittsburgh, where frustrated baseball fans are relieved to turn to football. Then there’s Toronto. Well there’s always hockey. Hmm, how about those winter Olympics?

(a short note of explanation, the Toronto Argonauts are currently in last place in the Canadian Football League. As to the Leafs, think Cubs. With skates.)

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Newer Entries »