Archive for March 2009

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Dancing with the geek stars?

March 10, 2009

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak is appearing on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.”

Microsoft founder Bill Gates was thinking of appearing as well, but he was sidelined by a virus.

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A-Rod’s surgery was successful. Doctors say he should be back to normal by midseason, and ready to choke again in the playoffs.

Tacky alert for joke to follow:

Police allege that Geno Hayes of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers was stabbed in the neck by his girlfriend. They are holding the woman in custody while they decide whether to charge her with a crime, or send her on a blind date with Chris Brown?
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More celebrity airline fares?

March 8, 2009

Continuing the follow-up to JetBlue “Manny Fan fares” (which are for real!)

Timothy Geithner fares- taxes optional.

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Alex Rodriguez fares – first class fares, generally worth the price until October.

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NHL fares – marketed in the U.S. and Canada, but somehow hard to sell in the States.

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Tiger Woods fares – only one potentially sold per flight. And then everyone else on the plane feels second-class.

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Hillary Clinton fares – round-the-world fares, spouses not allowed.

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Bill Clinton fares – sold in conjunction with Hillary Clinton fares. When your spouse buys a round-the-world ticket, you get a discounted ticket to a spring break hotspot.

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Nayda Shulman fares – groups only. Six is not enough.

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Detroit Lions fan fares – borrowing off the Southwest “Wanna get away” concept – valid football season only to anywhere NFL games are not shown live.
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Terrell Owens fares – marketed to big city big name destinations, but somehow you can only end up going to Buffalo.

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Joe Biden fares – a nice discount, but you have to listen first to a recording of a few rules and conditions…shouldn’t take more than an hour on the phone.

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Bobby Jindal fares -highly hyped but never got off the ground.

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Jason Mesnick – aka “the Bachelor” fares – one free change allowed.

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AIG fares – not that cheap to begin with, and then they keep asking you for more and more money to keep the airline aloft.

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NCAA tournament fares – announced the first week in March to 64 destinations, but there are always cities that feel unfairly left out.

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Newt Gringrich fares – the anti-bereavement fares – instead of flying to visit sick relatives, you flee away from them.

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Manny and A-Rod: Baseball’s Comedy stimulus package?

March 7, 2009

Whatever you think of Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez, they are a boon to struggling would-be joke writers still reeling from the departure of President Bush.

JetBlue has announced new “Manny Fan Fares” from Los Angeles to New York and Boston. The fare’s only $99 each way. But there’s a mandatory surcharge for excess baggage.

United Airlines, based in Chicago, is thinking of offering Cubs fan fares. The fares, of course, will be no good in October.
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The season hasn’t even started yet, and in New York, where their sky-high payroll has the team paying a luxury tax, they’re going to call A-Rod’s portion of it an “excess baggage fee.”

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Some pundits are already blaming Barack Obama for the economy, although he has barely been in office 40 days. Even Raiders owner Al Davis is saying “Show a little patience!”

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50-year-old Mark Martin is now the second-oldest pole winner in NASCAR history, after winning the top spot at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

So will the race be started – “Gentlemen start your engines, and you punks get out of his lane?

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Senate Idol?

March 6, 2009

It’s looking more and more like new Senator Roland Burris may follow in the footsteps of the Governor who appointed him, and be removed from office. Since this seems to happen a lot in Illinois, maybe it’s time for a change.

My suggestion, instead of a regular special election, what about “Senate Idol?’

For Senate Idol, everyone who thinks they qualify could meet with a bi-partisan panel composed of politicians who have not been indicted yet.

Then the top 10 choices could appear in a weekly show, televised on Fox, of course, since the network could use something different to get over their apoplexy over Obama. They would each have a few minutes to impress voters, in any way they liked – speeches, songs, presentations, whatever. And each week the candidate with the few number of votes could go home. Until one winner emerges.

Maybe President Obama could even come back to announce him or her!

(Of course, there would have to be a few tweaks, like a way to give legitimate voters an identification number so they could only vote once a week. Although there could be a separate non-binding national peoples’ choice vote… Winner would at least get an ego boost.)

At least a reality show would have transparency. And since they seem to do well in the ratings, all proceeds from the show could go to reducing the state deficit. With all due respect, how much worse could they do? And if the winner turned out to be a winner in Washington, maybe the concept could be expanded? California Idol, for example? To replace Arnold Schwarzenegger after his term is over? Speaking of another state where we could hardly do a lot worse. And Arnold could even host….

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Americans are eagerly anticipating the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, aka “March Madness.”

This year especially it will be good to see something go from 64 down to 1 that isn’t part of your 401k.

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And Manny Ramirez said after finally signing that $45 million contract that he is happy to be in Los Angeles. Anyone want to lay an over-under as to whether this lasts longer than Jason and Melissa?

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Manny also said he’s looking forward to performing for the fans. And considering Ramirez’s famous work ethic, it should suit him just fine to only need to perform from the third through the seventh innings.

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It’s not too late for goodbyes…

March 5, 2009

Regarding the soon to be ex-senator Roland Burris, preceded by ex-governor Rod Blagojevich, and other indicted former governors Daniel Walker, George Ryan, Otto Kerner, and William Stratton….

Why DONT they just auction off the Senate seat in Illinois to the highest bidder? Put the proceeds towards ballancing the state budget. You’d have transparency, Illinois could use the money, and it’s not like the voters were doing a good job picking leaders the old fashioned way.

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And speaking of goodbyes – the Dallas Cowboys have released Terrell Owens. Should we be surprised? All over America companies are dumping toxic assets.”

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Today’s entry in the “You might need a life if” department:

You might need a life if you don’t live in Washington D.C. or Oklahoma City, and you watched tonight’s NBA game between the 14-47 Wizards and the 16-45 Thunder.

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So Manny Ramirez finally signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers for the same $45 million 2-year contract he spurned earlier this year.

What the difference between a $45 million contract you spurn and one you sign?? Apparently about 2500 points on the Dow.

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Time for some stupid cat jokes. (No comments please on that being redundant.)

The first from Bill Littlejohn:

“A Nebraska man reportedly stuffed his girlfriends’ cat into a bong.A South Carolina sheriff has issued arrest warrants for eight other neighborhood cats”

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Police charged him with animal abuse and claim that when they found removed the animal from the bong it was stoned. Apparently they said the cat was just lying around, staring into space, and ignored its name being called….

No word if they actually saw any signs of cat abnormal behavior.

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Although one sign might have been the cat gobbling up Krispy Kreme flavored kibble.
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The man claimed he had put the cat in the bong before and it had been no problem. Apparently he was using it to help taste-test new tuna-flavored Doritos.

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Second thoughts?

March 4, 2009

In a reality show shocker, Jason aka “the “Bachelor” chose one woman, then a few weeks later said he had changed his mind. John McCain said “You can do that?”

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After weeks and weeks of various televised “dates”” on “the Bachelor” Jason proposed to Melissa. But it looks like he will end up with Molly. When he’s done with this reality show thing maybe he can get a job vetting for the Obama administration.

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Wonder what happened between Jason and Melissa? Maybe he found out she didn’t pay her taxes?

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California Governor Schwarzenegger says he will appear in a Sylvester Stallone movie to show he can still act. Well, if Arnold wants to seem like he can act, what better costar for comparison than Stallone?.

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The latest delay in the Barry Bonds perjury case means the trial may not start for another year and a half. At this rate the only performance enchancing substance they may catch Bonds with is “Ensure.”

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A sign of global warming? It’s not even Spring yet, and the San Jose Sharks are already tanking.

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Another in what may become a series:

Does this really need a punchline?

President Obama has made his pick for the Director of the Office of Personnel Management, the agency that oversees the federal government’s work force,

His choice: John Berry, currently the Director of the National Zoo.

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Do airlines even read their own rules before they post them?

March 3, 2009

Okay, usually this blog is geared towards political and sports jokes. But sometimes the airlines just make it too easy.

And we all know that a lot of airline fare rules don’t make sense.

But some of them don’t make sense more than others.

While American Airlines is far from the only culprit, witness their current rules display for a one-way fare from San Jose, California to Orange County, California:

CANCELLATIONS

TICKET IS NON-REFUNDABLE

NOTE- TICKET HAS NO VALUE UNLESS PASSENGER CANCELS TICKETED FLIGHT RESERVATIONS PRIOR TO TICKETED DEPARTURE TIME.

CHANGES

CHARGE USD 150.00 FOR REISSUE.

Then there is a bunch of airline-speak about the ticket having value towards a future ticket for up to a year, although the change fee still applies. And that changes to a higher fare mean the fare difference plus the change fee.

All fine, except, the fare is $99 one way.

So let’s see, if you remember to cancel or change the ticket if you aren’t taking the flight, you can pay a $150.00 penalty plus the fare difference on a $99 ticket. But if you no-show the flight you lose the whole $99.

Glad they let us know.

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Bailout bailout…

March 3, 2009

One way to make sure the bailout money only goes to those companies who REALLY need it:

Announce that after President Obama finally finishes filling his cabinet, the folks vetting his nominees will also start checking the back taxes of every executive at companies receiving bailout money.

At the very least it should help the deficit.

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Why major league pitchers should wear helmets:

Curt Schilling says he would like to return to baseball, if it was to play for a “championship caliber” team like the Rays, or…the Cubs?

Or maybe the 42 year old pitcher has just officially qualified himself for the season’s first senior moment..

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Apparently wide-receiver T. J. Houshmandzadeh has agreed on a $40 million contract with the Seattle Seahawks for five years. For that much money he should be able to buy a vowel.

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John McCain’s daughter Meghan says that the presidential election has “killed her love life.” And Sarah Palin immediately told her children she is definitely running in 2012.

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Economic stimulus?

March 2, 2009

With all the ideas being floated around. Has President Obama considered invading another country, losing, and then having them rebuild us?.

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In a new reality show, world-famous golf instructor Hank Haney will try to help Charles Barkley with his famously awful golf swing. For a more productive sequel, how about Rick Barry trying to help Shaq with free throws?

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AIG is asking for another bailout from government TARP (Troubled Assets Recovery Program.) Was this really the right name? Isn’t a tarp what police put over a corpse?

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US Air says now they will stop charging for coffee, water, and soft drinks on board their planes. There will, however, be a nomimal charge for cups.

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Defense secretary Robert Gates said Sunday that he thought “probably President Obama is somewhat more analytical than President Bush.”

(Does this really need a punchline? What was his first clue?)

With all due respect, that Portoguese Water Dog the Obama girls are getting might be somewhat more analytical than Bush.

President Bush wasn’t offended by the comment, though he might be when Laura tells him what “analytical” means.

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The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation making the first week in March No Cussing Week.

With exemptions, I assume, for Clippers fans and anyone with the Dodgers involved with the Manny Ramirez negotiations..

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To be heard around the water cooler Monday: Say, with Tiger out did you hear who won the match play tournament this weekend? Yeah, me neither.

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