Archive for February 2009

What’s more embarrassing?

February 9, 2009

What’s more embarrassing for Alex Rodriguez?

That he may have been caught using steroids, or that he needed performance-enchancing drugs to be the best player on the Texas Rangers?


A-Rod has been more accessible than Bonds ever was, which might mean in the end the media won’t trash him nearly so much.

But, in the end, mightn’t being the best player caught in the “steroid era”, be like being considered the smartest person in the Bush adminstation?

The last decade has been incredibly profitable for Major League Baseball. But as it comes out that almost (if not every) star slugger over the past ten years has been taking steroids, perhaps we can say the person who has benefited most from performance enhancing drugs has been Bud Selig.

A-Rod – Does the A stand for Asterisk?

February 8, 2009

So now what’s the difference between Barry Bonds’ reputation and Alex Rodriguez’s reputation? About five years.


Now A-Rod’s name has been leaked as only one of the first of 104 players who reportedly tested positive for steroids in 2003. Maybe we should put a flag with an asterisk out in front of the Baseball Hall of Fame and be done with it.


It does kind of put a whole new spin on Joe Torre’s “A-Fraud” label.


Despite still being unsigned less than two weeks before the start of spring training, Manny Ramirez told the Los Angeles Times that “that he wouldn’t be disgruntled by the lengthy contract talks. ”

Nah, he’ll find something else to be disgruntled about.


After the Coast Guard and others had to rescue over 150 people from a broken ice flow on Lake Erie, an Ohio sheriff stated “if there was a section in the code about common sense, we would have had 150 arrests out there today.”

With all due respect sir, if there were a section in the criminal code about common sense, there wouldn’t be room for them in the Ohio prisons.


Back to politics: The bad news, over 600,000 Americans lost their jobs in January. The good news, two of them were Bush and Cheney.

What’s in a name?

February 7, 2009

Sarah Palin claims she named her daughter Bristol, because she had once wanted to work for ESPN in Bristol, Connecticut.

Good thing ESPN headquarters isn’t in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.


Given the way Sarah Palin’s career has turned out, wonder if she had twins, would they be named “Fair” and “Balanced?”


Kellogg’s dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesman after he was photographed using a bong. So let me get this straight, a guy was fired for using marijuana by the maker of Pop-Tarts?

The mother of those octuplets says she she expects to be able to support all her kids once she gets her master’s degree and becomes a mental health counselor. Yeah, right, nothing says mental health to think it’s normal to have 14 kids.


Three of the biggest stories of the past year have been Larry Craig, Rod Blagojevich, and now this new mother. These folks may not do much for the theory of evolution, but they aren’t helping the theory of intelligent design either.


And a non-steroids fueled rant: Okay, so the point supposedly of the feds still going after Barry Bonds, even though he’s not currently playing, is that they want to send a message that you can’t profit from steroids.

So let’s see. Baseball attendance was in the tank after the 1994 strike, until home run totals started taking off. (Remember “Chicks dig the long ball?”) Some say the McGwire-Sosa home run chase saved the sport. All of this overseen by Bud Selig. Who claims he didn’t even hear discussions about performance enchancing drugs until 1998 or 1999. And who just got a raise of $17.5 million a year.

Yeah, we sure don’t want to give anyone the impression they could profit from steroids.

“Anonymous, pathetic bloggers”

February 6, 2009

Sarah Palin railed this week in an interview against “anonymous, pathetic bloggers.” She also said that a transcript of her comments would be available at “joetheplumber.com.”

You have to love it, Governor Palin condemned bloggers for “spreading falsehoods” about her…and in case we forgot, brought up all those falsehoods again.


When asked if he agreed with Sarah Palin’s comments about bloggers, John McCain replied “What’s a blogger?”


Sarah Palin also said in an interview that she named her daughter Bristol after the home of ESPN. Apparently Palin had wanted to work there in her pre-political days, but had decided it was too far away. This is a woman who can see Russia from her house, but is daunted by the idea of Bristol, Connecticut?

Although things are not going as smoothly in Washington as Barack Obama would like, at least we have a Democratic president who is working on a stimulus package, instead of working on getting someone to stimulate his package.


The woman who gave birth to in-vitro octuplets told an interviewer she was “longing for personal connections.” Anyone ever suggest a puppy?

Although on the other hand, the Humane Society generally requires some evidence of financial and mental stability for people who want to adopt puppies….


Republicans are almost uniformly against Barack Obama’s stimulus plan, preferring instead another round of tax cuts. Now, I’m not an economist, but didn’t we try that for the last eight years already?

Republicans are saying we should ignore President Obama and go back to more tax cuts. Isn’t that like the Detroit Lions telling their coach they don’t need his new ideas since they prefer the 2008 playbook?


Lane Kiffin, in his new position as the University of Tennessee football coach, has already sparked controversy by accusing Florida coach Urban Meyer of cheating. For making a legal call to a recruit.

Who’d a thought that between Kiffin and his old boss, Al Davis would turn out to be the restrained one?

As the Yankees turn…

February 5, 2009

Derek Jeter defended his former manager and said, despite the book controversy that Joe Torre would never intentionally be cruel or try to hurt anybody. That remains George Steinbrenner’s job.


What’s all the big fuss about Phelps and the bong? Not exactly like marijuana would have helped him swim faster. Now if Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut were seen using one before the hot dog eating championship…

(note, Chestnut is the current champion, Kobayashi is a six time champion.)


This just in, all cellphones and cameras will now be confiscated at the door for any parties involving Jamaica’s track team.

And yet another Olympic scandal to tarnish a sport’s reputation. At a recent party a member of the U.S. snowboarding team was seen NOT smoking marijuana.

In Pittsburgh, city officials have adjusted their original estimates of 300,000 in the streets for the Steelers’ Super Bowl victory parade. Apparently about half of that number was just in line at the unemployment office.


Prosecutors now say that they believe Barry Bonds was taking a female fertility drug to mask his steroid use. In Bonds’ defense his lawyers say actually he was fascinated by the idea of octuplets.


And since it’s been a while since any Hillary jokes…

Hillary Clinton spent some of her first week as Secretary of State calling world leaders and said they all had a “appreciation” for the new Obama foreign policy. They also asked her, next time can you please not call at 3am?

Hillary Clinton said in a town meeting with State Department staff that sometimes she completely forgot she ran for president; “it was like a blur it went by so fast.” And of course, she was distracted by sniper fire at the time.

He’s just not that into you…

February 4, 2009

Shouldn’t someone tell the Dodgers that about Manny Ramirez?

(Who has just turned down his third contract offer from the team, this last for $25 million for a year.)


Question of the night. So how come not paying taxes disqualifies you from being Secretary of Health and Human Services, but it doesn’t disqualify you from being Secretary of the Treasury?

Wonder if this means Geithner might have been disqualifed if he cheated on his medical insurance?


And if I could draw, I would post an editorial cartoon. Two kids with a lemonade stand, Two money jars on the stand, one labelled “For lemonade”, the other labelled “For the IRS.” And the caption of one kid saying “Well, I do plan to run for office someday.”


300,000 people showed up for the Pittsburgh Steelers’ victory parade Monday. Which is about as many as will show up to watch the Pittsburgh Pirates. For the season.


A sheriff in South Carolina is thinking of charging Michael Phelps after simply seeing the picture of him using a bong in a British newspaper. Teenagers and college students all over the state are hoping no one ever shows the sheriff how to use Facebook.


Bud Selig made over $17 million as commissioner of baseball last year, more than all but three Yankees players – Jason Giambi, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez. Though to be fair, unlike those players, Selig actually had to work in October.


Maybe this explains why Selig never pushed for a salary cap – the Yankees are the only team with employees standing between him and allegations of excessive CEO compensation.

The most watched Super Bowl?

February 3, 2009

Despite a less than marquee matchup between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals, this year’s Super Bowl was the second-most watched ever. Well, yeah, at this point most Americans couldn’t afford to go out and do anything else.


Although spring training starts in a few weeks, Manny Ramirez still has not decided where he will go for the 2009 season. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”


Actually Manny Ramirez is looking for at least a four year contract. Presumably so in two years he can complain and say he wants out of it.


Though speaking of Brett Favre, New York Jets general manager Mike Tannebaum said he told Favre he can take “months if necessary” to decide if he will return for the 2009 season. Isn’t telling Brett Favre to take his time like telling Joe Biden “speak as long as you’d like?”

After that newspaper photo appeared of him smoking pot in an English newspaper, Michael Phelps said his behavior was “regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment.” Of course, mostly what he regrets is being too stoned to remember that these days most people have cellphone cameras.


Proof that not all my jokes are anti Republican.

Now we know why Democrats vote against cutting taxes. They don’t plan to pay them anyway.


But on the other hand:

In Pittsburgh, thanks to the Steelers, schoolchildren were given two hours off from school Monday morning after the Super Bowl. Former President George W. Bush heard about this and said that he thought it would be a nice gesture for the University of Phoenix to give their students the morning off too.


An Arizona station apologized to its viewers over their accidentally showing 30 seconds of pornography during the Super Bowl. Apparently the station received numerous complaints, mostly from men who wondered why they went back to the game so soon.

Post Super Bowl thoughts…

February 2, 2009

Considering the fact that the Cardinals and Steelers were whistled for a combined total of 18 penalties and 162 yards, should Super Bowl XLIII go down as the best ever game of Flag Football?


The turning point in the game may well have been an interception thrown by Kurt Warner at the end of the first half, which was returned by the Steelers’ James Harrison 100 yards for a touchdown. (Despite the fact that with time expiring, all the Cardinals had to do was knock him out of bounds.) In fact, it was such an improbable touchdown, are we sure the Stanford band wasn’t somehow involved?


School children in Pittsburgh will get a mini-holiday Monday, as the city’s public schools will open two hours later than normal. But for those residents worried about sports championships affecting education time, at least this won’t happen next fall with the Pirates. (Or for Canadian readers, most likely for the Penguins either.)


And in Seattle sports fans are asking “What’s a championship?”


Back to politics. My suggestion for trimming the national debt, since paying taxes has clearly become so confusing. For anyone in the U.S. considering running for political office or accepting a cabinet level position – a six month amnesty for paying back taxes. If you think you have forgotten or misunderstood any taxes in the past 20 years you get six months to pay up and make it right, with no additional penalties. After that, with anything that comes out in the media or a vetting process the penalties will triple.

Could put a real dent in the deficit…

Pre Super Bowl jokes..

February 1, 2009

Michael Phelps was recently photographed smoking marijuana. But give the guy a break, the man won everything in sight in the Summer Olympics. Maybe he’s in training in hopes of making the Winter Olympics on U.S. snowboard team.


Either that or he’s considering a future career in the NBA

Michael Phelps may lose some endorsement contracts after being photographed with a bong. On the other hand, he’s already fielding new offers from Krispy Kreme, 7-11 and Doritos.


Two U.S. congressmen want Citigroup to drop their previously agreed upon $400 million contract for naming rights at “Citi Field”, the new home of the New York Mets. They feel it is inappropriate after Citigroup received $45 billion in bailout money.

But on the other hand, nothing says “failed bailout” like the Mets bullpen.


T.S. Eliot said “April is the cruelest month. But for many American sports fans, February is worse. The Super Bowl is over, March Madness is still a distant fantasy and spring training doesn’t really get into gear until late in the month.

And for most Americans there is a sports quandry – do they ignore the NHL or the NBA?


The movie “Taken” was the big winner at the box office this weekend. Guess most Americans were curious to see how they got a movie made so quickly about the bank bailout.


Stanford’s womens basketball team won their first game ever on Super Bowl Sunday. (Previously they were 0-3) So whatever else happens this season, at least they will avoid the title “The Minnesota Vikings of womens basketball.”

Aretha’s hat..

February 1, 2009

The Smithsonian has apparently asked Aretha Franklin for her inaugural hat. Presumably for the American Museum of Natural History

Apparently new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has almost $6 million in debts from her presidential campaign. With a record like that, maybe it would have been a better match had Obama appointed her Secretary of the Treasury.


When the Illinois Senate impeached Rod Blagojevich, they also barred him from ever holding public office in future. Which was probably unnecessary. Blagojevich has shown no interest in ever moving to Louisiana.

More fallout from Ted Haggard saying he is not gay but a “heterosexual with issues.”

Joe Biden has declared himself to be “taciturn with issues.”

The Detroit Lions a “NFL team with issues.”

And well, former Illinois Governor Blagojevich still maintains his innocence, and says that he doesn’t have issues.

Michael Steele became the first African-American chair of the Republican National Committee. Among those who he beat out, Ken Blackwell, the African-American former Secretary of State for Ohio. This election shocked many rank and file Republicans, mostly because they didn’t know they had two African-Americans left in the party.


Phil Mickelson has spent much of his golf career trying to emulate Tiger Woods. And this weekend he has succeeded, both of them will be free to watch the Super Bowl.

(note to non-golf fans, Mickelson actually missed the cut this weekend, for the first time in his season debut since he turned pro.)

Normally Mickelson doesn’t shoot anywhere near that badly in a tournament until Sunday.

In an ESPN poll, 53 percent of Americans think the Arizona Cardinals, outranked in almost every major category by the Pittsburgh Steelers, will win the Super Bowl. And we wonder how so much of this country is suffering for being economically unrealistic…


Of course, an old white guy from Arizona being the winning Super Bowl quarterback is about as unlikely as a young black guy winning the Presidency.