Posted tagged ‘U.S. Open jokes’

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Olympic Clubbed.

June 18, 2012

First the disclaimer, I know the Olympic Club greens are designed to be extremely difficult. But the final round of the U.S. Open is making a lot of the nation’s top golfers look like boozy vacationers on a mini-golf course.

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Not saying the course’s designers were into causing pain, but the video of the tournament may be subtitled “Fifty Shades of Green.”

 

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Watching Webb Simpson accept the trophy this evening in foggy San Francisco, casual golf fans had to be wondering, “Wait a minute, is this the British Open?”

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Earlier in the day at the Open, however, the story was all Woods, as he started with  three bogies and a double bogey through the first five holes. Meaning a possible headline was “Tiger in the Tank.”

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Many are beginning to realize,  Tiger didn’t have such problems putting balls in the hole when he was putting…. oh, anyone reading this doesn’t need me to finish the sentence.

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The unemployment rate in Ohio has  FALLEN for 10th months in a row. And campaigning today in the Buckeye State Mitt Romney said none of this is Obama’s fault.

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You know baby boomers are aging differently than past generations – when you see an advertisement for “Silhouette” by Depends. With the tagline “Looks, Fit & Feels Like Real Underwear” – and a photo of actress Lisa Rinna in a clingy sleeveless black dress.

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Last weekend in Northern California, a two-alarm fire destroyed the Los Altos office of a psychic business. Uh, shouldn’t they have seen that coming?

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The IOC is now investigating allegations that their authorized agents are involved in a black market Olympic ticket scandal. Isn’t that like putting foxes in charge of investigating a theft from the henhouse?

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On “Face the Nation,” Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s decision to stop deporting some young undocumented immigrants, but three times refused to say if he would overturn it. Really? All Mitt had to do was answer the question, and then say he had changed his mind tomorrow.

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How long until the national media picks up this one. As reported by the SF Chronicle. To settle a lawsuit and keep the America’s Cup, San Francisco has agreed to spend $150,000 to study whether the big racing sailboats will scare birds on the bay.

(as my friend Dave R. says “The answer is yes,  send me my $150,000.”)

 

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Bristol Palin told Sean Hannity this week that someday she might decide to run for office. And a generation of aspiring comics responded “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Father’s Day.

June 16, 2012

Or as they say in the NBA, so many baby mamas, so little time.

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This Father’s Day quote from D’backs manager Kirk Gibson as to why he was missing his son’s high school graduation. “You’re supposed to graduate. His mom and the rest of the family will be there. He’s coming to see me next week.”‘ Hope Gibson remembers this if he’s dying in a hospital some day.

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A Saturday with flashes of brilliance, but ultimately sub-par performances:. Wasn’t that long ago that Tiger Woods and Tim Lincecum would have loved to have been compared to each other.

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Never thought I could hit a shot like Tiger Woods. On the 18th out of the rough today, maybe I could have.  (for those who didn’t see it, the ball went about 6 feet.)

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So quiet during the U.S. Open with all cellphones and cameras banned – the only sounds while golfers are driving and putting come from the birds. Wonder how long it will take someone on the tour to try to ban birds.

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Beau Hossler, 17, is amongst the leaders at the U.S. Open, even though he’s only an amateur and a junior in high school. And across the country other high school juniors are thinking “and we have to compete for college admission with this guy?”

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The Boston Red Sox put Josh Beckett on the 15-day DL with shoulder inflammation. Maybe he misses the conditioning routine of those bent arm beer curls.

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A angry letter in the local Palo Alto paper claimed that Obama’s decision to allow children of illegal immigrants to stay in this country was just a shameless attempt to buy votes, as they would then vote for him to keep their work permits. Uh, one thing – If they are illegals, they can’t vote. –

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That’ll teach them. Two Ohio State players, both projected starters, were arrested for urinating on a building and fleeing police officers. Coach Urban Meyer removed their athletic scholarships for the summer, but has said they can work their way back on scholarship and onto the team in time for the start of season..

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You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Journalist Neil Munro interrupted President Obama yesterday and yelled “What about American workers who are unemployed while you import foreigners? But Munro himself is an Irish citizen holding a green card that allows him to work in the U.S.

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A vendor at the San Diego County fair is now offering deep fried cereal. (Trix, for example.) Well, you’ve got to eat something for breakfast before you start on the deep-fried Twinkies.

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Mitt Romney, average American, now has a personal stake in the London Olympics. Nope, not a relative competing, but Ann’s horse Rafalca (and trainer, Jan Ebeling) have qualified for the U.S. dressage team.

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For those of us whose sons haven’t played Little League for a while. Remember those “inside the park home runs” that didn’t make it out of the infield? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/mlb-big-league-stew/circus-music-rockies-miscues-turn-miguel-cabrera-grounder-003737569–mlb.html

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Winners and losers and ties, oh my.

June 15, 2012

A second contestant has come forward to alleged that the Miss USA 2012 title was fixed. Really? What do pageant officials think they’re doing…running a boxing match?

 

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So now that the Heat won Thursday and the NBA finals are tied 1-1, basketball fans are excitedly waiting for game three on…. Sunday? And they say baseball is a slow game.

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What’s  David’s Stern’s goal here by extending the  NBA season later and later?   Getting the playoffs to the point that a team’s first round draft pick has a chance to play in the same year’s playoffs?

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Former Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan withdrew his name for Charlotte’s head coaching job, saying “They were wonderful and there were no problems. I just took myself out.” If Sloan really thinks that about the Bobcats, he’s probably not smart enough for the job.

(added Vancouver comic Torbin Rolfsen,  ” He would have faced some tough interview questions, for example: “Are you the man who can lead us to double-digit wins?”) –

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Mitt Romney will make his first non-Fox Sunday talk show appearance this weekend on CBS’s “Face the Nation.” In honor of Mitt’s frequent flexibility on issues, will they temporarily re-title the show “Two Face the Nation?”

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So Tiger Woods shot a -1 during the first round of the U.S. Open. Anyone hear ESPN talk about who’s actually LEADING the Open? Yeah, me neither.

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Matt Cain threw a perfect game against the Astros on a Wednesday night. If the Giants had still been at Candlestick at least 3,000 people would have seen it. –

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A bit inside baseball, but Tuesday night,  the Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hit his first home run of the year.  On Wednesday,  besides his perfect game,  Matt Cain did get a base hit.     From reader Tom Dodd ” I can imagine Bumgarner talking to Matt after the game: “A single? That’s the best you can do?”

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NY Mets manager after R.A. Dickey’s disputed one-hit game earlier Tuesday night: “If anybody deserves a no hitter or a perfect game tonight it was him.” Uh, as it turned out, not exactly.

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Aubrey Huff may have to go on the DL after injuring his knee, when he tried to jump over the dugout railing to join the celebration of Matt Cain’s perfect game. Thereby answering a question for SF Giants fans – “Can a perfect night get any better?”

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Rielle Hunter is starting her book tour next week for “What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me.” Was the timing planned around the Sandusky trial to assure she and John won’t be the most hated persons in America?

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Last Golfer Standing?

June 21, 2010

At Pebble Beach, Northern Ireland’s Graeme McDowell was first, France’s Gregory Havret was second, and South Africa’s Ernie Els was first. Who’d a thunk that this week Americans might have had a better week at the World Cup than our own U.S. Open?

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If they make a documentary about this year’s U.S. Open, will it be titled “Last Golfer Standing?”

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Golf may not be the world’s most exciting spectator sport. But it has some good points. And maybe this week one stands out. Two words – “NO VUVUZELAS.”

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The Florida Marlins and Tampa Rays complained mightily after a free mini-vuvuzela giveaway in Miami meant that players from both teams and umpires had to wear earplugs, and they still couldn’t have conversations on the field and in the dugout. But Marlins management apparently hadn’t anticipated any problems.

Even BP executives said, how could you not see that coming?

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A question for Texas congressman, Joe Barton, who apologized to BP. Would he have made the same apology if say, the disaster had been an out-of-control major fire started at a solar energy plant?

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Poor Dustin Johnson, the Saturday leader, shot 11 over par in the final round of the U.S. Open. That’s the worst performance by a professional athlete on Sunday in recent memory. Well, not involving JaMarcus Russell

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So football has a computer-generated yellow line on television for years, so viewers can see where a team needs to go to get a first down. How hard would it be for golf to put a yellow ring around the cup, so viewers can actually see where a player is aiming?

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You figure Kobe Bryant had to be rooting for Tiger Woods, especially after Tiger shot a 66 to move into contention. Because then at least Kobe wouldn’t be a slam dunk for the award for the biggest jerk to win a championship this week.

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Actually, maybe we should feel sorry for Tiger. What if sex for him really was a performance enhancing drug?

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After striker Nicolas Anelka’s was expelled from the team and sent home for a tantrum, the rest of the French team refused to practice Sunday. Wonder why his teammates were so upset, they are likely to be following him back to France very shortly

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Well, as long as the NBA playoffs go, at least we have reason to think they won’t extend any longer into June in future. Because then they would conflict with the busiest day of the year for NBA players – Father’s Day.

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Well, it’s not on the level of BP’s public relations disasters, but…. British Airway’s “UNITE” cabin crew has staged a series of strikes this year that have caused travel nightmares for thousands. During the most recent strike, however, union leader Tony Woodley took his own vacation with his wife to Cyprus. He flew EasyJet..

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World Cup, golf cups, etc.

June 20, 2010

Americans are fond of complaining how boring it is to watch soccer. Although that statement might carry more weight when it’s not said during the weekend of the U.S. Open Golf tournament.

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So let’s see, BP’s chairman refers to Gulf residents as “small people,” BP’s CEO’s takes a day off to watch his $50 million yacht in a fancy yacht race. What’s next? Presume that BP will be sending hungry locals a month’s supply of cake.

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BP’s Chairman is actually defending his “small people” line by claiming that as a Swede he had difficulty saying what he meant in English. What, are ABBA’s translators no longer available?

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It really does defy belief that Tony Hayward, whose company may do more damage to the ocean than any other, would appear in public watching an ocean yacht race…. As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, it’s like rooting for Tiger Woods on Father’s Day.

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A new study shows that “fans who feel personally invested in a team or, better yet, who attend games and cheer along with like-minded fans, reap the mental health benefits that come from a feeling of social connectedness.” Finally, an explanation of what keeps Chicago Cubs (and Toronto Maple Leafs fans from being suicidal.

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A tradition at PNC Park in Pittsburgh is a “pierogi race” between innings. (A Pierogi is a European stuffed dumpling.) But, one of the men who was employed as a “racing pierogies” was fired by the team for making disparaging comments about the team on Facebook. Guess this was cheaper for the Pirates than actually fielding a team the piergoies wouldn’t disparage.

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Yes the Lakers won the NBA championship and the Yankees are back in first place. But on the other hand, the first team through into the second round of the the World Cup was… Denmark? And TCU in their first College World Series beat Florida State 8-1.

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In the latest World Cup news, one of the stars of the French team Nicolas Anelka (yeah, I didn’t recognize the name either), has been thrown off the team after getting into an argument with his coach. Which based on France’s performance so far, means he probably just will be getting home a few days ahead of his teammates.

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Tossing cookies etc…

June 21, 2009

A suggested theme for this year’s U.S. Open – “Swinging in the Rain?”

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As noted by Alex Kaseberg, there haven’t been so many waterlogged rich white people together at one time since the Titanic.

Kerry Wood, now pitching for the Cleveland Indians, blew his second save in as many days at Wrigley Field, So much for all those naysayers who thought Wood would never again be of any use to the Cubs.
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Nestle voluntarily recalled their Toll House cookie dough after an E Coli scare and the FDA reiterated their warning that Americans should never eat raw cookie dough. Okay, handwashing and sanitizing, swine flu quaratines, I can get behind those things and more. But life without eating raw cookie dough? I don’t think so.

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Manny Ramirez is starting a rehabilitation assignment in Albuquerque Tuesday.  Now, this doesn’t make a lot of sense in terms of  a punishment.  First the Dodgers save his salary for 50 days.  Then they are going to make a fortune on increased AAA ticket sales.  Maybe Bud Selig should order a rehabilation assignment that moves things towards parity- like make him rehab for the Nationals.   Or a farm team for the Marlins?

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A little weird trivia. The San Francisco Giants honored 45 year old pitcher Saturday night with a ceremony honoring his 300th win. Curiously enough, they had invited former pitcher KirK Reuter, who retired three years ago, to Friday night’s game, and showed highlights of Reuter’s carrer on the Jumbotron. What’ weird? Kirk- aka Woody – is 7 years YOUNGER than Johnson.

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And finally, a tacky alert. What’s the difference between President Obama and President Clinton? Obama downed a fly, Clinton’s fly was already down.

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