Posted tagged ‘Michele Bachman jokes’

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There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

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Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

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While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

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A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

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An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

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While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

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The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

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Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

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Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

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First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

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One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

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Front page news

May 4, 2011

 

Just a couple days ago, pundits were wondering if the world media was so focused on the royal newlyweds that they would have to live out their first weeks of marriage on the front page.

So to President Obama, William and Kate send the message “Well handled, sir. Well handled.”

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Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York’s ground zero. “I’ll come, I’ll come.” said Rudy Guiliani.

This may only make sense to Giants fans, but…. So since they buried Osama Bin Laden at sea after they shot him, does it count as a Splash Hit?

Meanwhile, former Giants minor leaguer Francisco Liriano just threw a no-hitter. A 1-0 win for the Twins. Probably just as well San Francisco traded him. The way things are going these days Liriano would have had a nine inning no-decision.

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The Oakland A’s stadium is now known as “Overstock.com” stadium, after the online seller of surplus merchandise bought the naming rights. Considering there were about 9,000 fans in the stands yesterday for an afternoon day game, it’s time for Overstock.com to start selling A’s tickets.

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Rumor this morning – Brian Sabean asked the Navy Seals if they would consider trying to help revive the Giants’ bats. The Seals commander said they try to stay away from impossible missions.

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Actually both the Giants and Mets were struggling offensively, but combined today for 10 runs in the first six innings, and chased both (number 5) starters. Proving, I suppose, that while good pitching will beat good hitting,  really bad pitching can’t even beat bad hitting.

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Why workers go postal. Overheard this morning in the local post office. Woman (loudly) “I asked for the largest flat rate priority mail box.” Clerk, (nicely)  “Mam, that is the largest box we have.” Woman (indignantly) “Are you sure? It looks MUCH larger in the poster.”

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Michele Bachman is now laughing off the mistake she made by saying the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hamphire, by saying “I promised I would never again use President Obama’s teleprompter.” Note to Michele, President Obama not only might catch such a mistake, but also his staff has been known actually to fact-check before loading the teleprompter.

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Trump cancelled an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, after he didn’t like a comment the host made. In a note to Letterman, Trump wrote he was “disappointed” in being called a racist, and added “In actuality there is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump.” Wonder why the Donald didn’t say “there is also nobody who is less of an egoist than Donald Trump”?

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If we had a parliamentary system of government, Prime Minister Obama would probably be calling for elections right now.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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St Patrick’s Day madness.

March 17, 2011
Okay, I’m not a Catholic. But who put the corned beef and cabbage holiday smack in the middle of Lent?’
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New St. Paddy’s toast: “May your troubles last as long as your intact brackets.”
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A note in advance, before you crow over your first upset, you get more crediblity if you  know where your “team” s college actually is. At least have it narrowed down to the right state.  And having some clue of the team’s  mascot doesn’t hurt either.
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Hooters is encouraging fans to visit “HootersHookyDay.com to download both a doctor’s note and a free appetizer coupon for this Thursday and Friday during the NCAA first round basketball games. Of course, if you spend several hours drinking beer and eating Hooters chicken wings you won’t need to fake the doctor’s note the next day.
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The Republican National Committe chair criticized President Obama for taking time to fill out a NCAA bracket in the midst of the “budget and other pressing issues?” Give me a break, Barack picked the top seed to win each bracket. How much time could it have taken?
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Neil Diamond was inducted last night into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. If Elvis wasn’t dead this just killed him.
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The NFL says they will give out more suspensions for illegal hits in 2011. Actually the way it looks like things are going, there will be NO illegal hits in 2011. Or any other hits for that matter
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Michele Bachman is still complaining about the  media’s treatment of  her because she stated, twice, that the “shot heard round the world” that started the Revolutionary war was fired in Lexington, New Hamphire.
Meanwhile, other Republicans are trying to make sure Bachman doesn’t have any speaking engagements scheduled in Alamo, California.
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Federal prosecutors released voicemail messages from Barry Bonds to his mistress. The claim is because Bonds sounds like a angry jerk in many of them, that this was the result of steroids fueled rage. The defense will presumably counter with the argument – Barry has ALWAYS been a jerk.
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The Sacramento Kings have already filed trademark registrations for four names in preparation for a possible move to Southern California:  Anaheim Royals, Anaheim Royals of Southern California, Orange County Royals and Los Angeles Royals. 
Well, considering how much the team stinks on a regular basis, a more fitting  name might be the Kansas City Royals, but that’s already taken.
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And regarding this Sacramento Kings/Royals stuff.  Aren’t American Indian tribes suing to stop what they feel that it’s insulting to their name to have it on a team’s  mascots?   So I presume some relative of the British royal family might know enough basketball to issue a “cease and desist” order to the team wherever they end up.
On the other hand, if the Lakers wanted to call themselves the Royals, this could probably be arranged.
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Atlanta Braves minor league manager and former player Luis Salazar will lose an eye after being hit in the face with a foul line drive during a spring training game. Sad, but amazing this doesn’t happen more often. Especially at places like A T & T park in San Francisco, where half the fans in field club pay more attention to their cell phones than the game.

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Hard choices?

March 15, 2011

While it is against the law for Medicare to pay for prescriptions for  Viagra and other ED  treatments, the Health and Human Services department found the government health program paid claims worth over $3  million for those drugs.

So where are the Tea Party members of Congress standing up and saying government needs to make some “not so hard” choices?

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Meanwhile, the bitching begins about NCAA tourney picks.  And agreed, the Big East and ACC and Pac 10 were probably ranked too high.    But come on, teams with 8-9-10-11  losses, complaining  they didn’t get a chance to play for a national championship?

At TCU, for example, they’re not getting out the violins.

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Michele Bachman on her “geographic malfunction.” “So I misplaced the battles Concord and Lexington by saying they were in New Hampshire. It was my mistake, Massachusetts is where they happened. New Hampshire is where they are still proud of it!” If she’s going to insult states’ patriotism where’s her comment on all the Texans who want to secede?

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Or from Marc Ragovin:  Michele Bachmann has apologized for mistakenly saying that the battle of Lexington and Concord occurred in New Hampshire and not Massachusetts. She said that what she meant to say was that Barack Obama is a Muslim

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Nestle’s Lean Cuisine division announced a major recall of their spaghetti with meatballs because it may contain foreign materials. What, like meat?

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Commie pinko time:

The situation in Japan is beyond awful. But part of the problem apparently is that the Japanese regulatory agency largely leaves it to the utility company to determine if a site is safe. Yeah, that deregulation has worked so well in the U.S., with say, the financial industry.

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Back to reality, or rather unreality. So who made the bigger mistake? The NCAA by, again, not picking Virignia Tech? Or Brad by not picking Chantal?

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Monday night was “the Bachelor” season finale.  A good night for many American households – most women got to control the VCR, while men cheerfully worked on their brackets.

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Jed York just posted this about the NFL lockout on the 49ers website “The ultimate goal is to establish an agreement that is good for the long-term health of the league and provides a tremendous product for you, our fans.” Wonder if he typed this with a straight face?

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If  the NFL lockout shows signs of going more than a few months, will Cam Newton apply for a  amateur reinstatement and another year of eligiblity,  saying his father told him to go pro?

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No Northern California teams are in the mens’ NCAA tournament. Which is a shame. The Sacramento Kings could have been at least a six seed.

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All this talk about a “No-fly” zone over Libya. Northern California travelers would know it would be simpler if we really wanted to bring air traffic to a halt – just put SFO air traffic controllers in charge of the country.

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