Posted tagged ‘dwight howard jokes’

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Eggs-actly?

July 4, 2013

GE and Quirky have a new high tech “Egg Minder”, a tray with a Wi-Fi chip that connects it to the Internet, senses how many eggs are left in your refrigerator and sends that information to your smartphone. Or you could just check in the fridge before you go to the store.

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Our younger generation is so used to technology. Have to wonder, when many saw the headline “Inventor of the mouse dies”, how many thought “I thought Walt Disney was already dead”

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It was a Happy July 4th for SF Giants fans: who knew early on the team would not spoil the holiday with a frustrating loss.

(they were rained out.)

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Anthony Weiner, campaigning at a mosque in New York, said “You know, I’m Jewish, married to a Muslim woman”, and lamented that other cities aren’t as tolerant as New York. For that matter, other women aren’t as tolerant as his wife.

Cher appeared tonight at the Macy’s Fourth of July Fireworks Spectacular. Makes sense, she’s as close as they could get to a performer who’s as old as our country.

 

It’s a tough job but Dwight Howard is making Lebron James’ “The Decision” almost look good by comparison.

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Dame Helen Mirren, asked what advice she would give Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes: “I don’t know if you’re allowed to say this on television: Don’t be up your own bum.” Not quite sure what she means but I think I agree with her.

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Just wondering, if you put the Declaration of Independence in a petition, and asked Americans to sign it today, how many would decline. Especially with all that “created equal” and other commie-pinko stuff.

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From the Declaration of Independence talking about King George III “He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance.” Who needs a King now? We have Congress.

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In New York, Joey Chestnut once again won the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest today in New York. On the Fourth of July, good to know that there remains one unquestioned bastion of American superiority.

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Now this is a negative review – from the SF Chronicle’s Mick LaSalle on the Lone Ranger: “But put aside the notion that children shouldn’t see this film. No one should. ‘The Lone Ranger’ is a movie for the whole family … to avoid.” Reminds me of Dorothy Parker who once said of Katharine Hepburn onstage that she ran “the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

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In-Decision.

July 16, 2012

The Dwight Howard potential trade mess drags on, and on…. At this point Howard might have a better reputation if he had just made a decision and announced it on an ESPN special.

 

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As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking “Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem.”

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Actually is it too soon to nominate “retroactive retirement” as the phrase of the year?

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With all this discussion as to whether or not Penn State’s football program should at least temporarily receive the “Death Penalty,”  here’s a question – if it had been a school without the national reputation and bowl records, would this even be a debate?

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On the first pitch of Sundays SF Giants Houston Astros game,   Jordan Schafer tried to bunt to break up Cain’s perfect game.

(he bunted foul, and ended up making an out,  but Cain gave up a hit in the third.)

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A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man’s loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA’s announcement – “Guns don’t kill people, toddlers kill people.”

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Mitt Romney released a negative ad against President Obama accusing him of negativity. Standby for the next Obama ad accusing Romney of going negative in response to their criticism, and then the next negative Romney ad in response to that…. (Sometimes it’s nice not to live in a swing state.)

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Looks like Jeremy Lin is heading to Houston. Standby for “Y’aLL-insanity.”

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Jason Kidd arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a light pole last night. Over-under on the number of “driving the lane” jokes this week?

(From Marty Burtwell, “he had one too many triple-doubles.”)

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Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last week. With perhaps a rousing chorus of “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want?”

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Actress Celeste Holm has passed away at the age of 95. This is shocking. Celeste Holm was still alive?

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Who needs a prince when you’ve got a pair?

July 12, 2012

Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP  “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?

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Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.

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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.

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Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.

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Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?

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American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.

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The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.

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So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.

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Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?

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Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.

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Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?

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Semantic Saturday

April 21, 2012

Mass. Senator Scott Brown said he’s given up alcohol until the election, and hasn’t had anything to drink since Jan. 1. But last week he was sampling beer with a reporter at a small brewery. Guess it depends what the definition of drink is.

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One of the Secret Service agents who has resigned in the recent prostitute scandal formerly supervised the agency’s canine training unit near D.C. Well, it takes a dog to know a dog.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun inside the museum today. Was he dreaming of being a New York Jet?

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Sarah Palin is upset because a Secret Service man said he was “checking her out.” Another thing that wouldn’t have happened under Bill Clinton. Then checking out women was the President’s job.

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Well, if nothing else we’ve learned one thing this week – it’s time for the Secret Service to increase their recruitment of women.

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GOP Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels said this week that Mitt Romney’s White House campaign was too negative, saying “You have to campaign to govern, not just to win.” Showing again why Daniels was about as likely as Jon Huntsman to make to through a Republican primary.

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Regarding the mini-controversy about the Secret Secret agent who was “checking out” Sarah Palin – have to think the McCain campaign wishes they had checked her out a little more before putting her on the ticket,

An Oxnard, California teacher who was fired for her work as a porn actress has hired a lawyer to fight her dismissal. Hundreds of fathers rushed to her defense, saying “We need to see more evidence.”

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NCAA president Mark Emmert, finding the positive in the scandals that have resulted in the firing of so many big-time coaches. . “You’re seeing boards of directors, of trustees, presidents and ADs saying ‘You know you’ve done a great job here. We love you. We pay you really well. You get all this adoration. You’ve got to live by the rules.'” Or at least not get caught.

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And really, regarding Bobby Petrino, was he really fired for being a douchebag who cheated on his wife and pulled strings to hire his underqualifed 25 year old mistress? Or was he fired in the end for being a lousy motorcycle rider?

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Parents are apparently suing Apple because kids who have their folks’ passwords are racking up big bills buying game add-ons while playing ostensibly free iPhone games. Uh, wouldn’t it be simpler not to give your child your password in the first place?

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US Airways is moving closer to a merger with American Airlines. In hopes of actually proving that two wrongs can make a right.

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Fenway Park is 100 years old today. Wow. When it opened those “Cubs World Champions” shirts had barely faded at all.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A ten-year old boy at an Indianapolis Olive Garden was accidentally served a fruit daiquiri with rum instead of the smoothie he had ordered. Shocking, there’s an Olive Garden that actually puts rum in their fruit daiquiris?

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Dwight Howard will have season-ending surgery. Which means for the Magic he will now definitely be about as much of a factor as they expected in the playoffs.

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And Howard allegedly said before his injury that he would never play again for coach Van Gundy. Maybe God thought “that can be arranged.”

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Still looking for some top ten “How old is Jamie Moyer” suggestions.

The ageless one is pitching Monday. So technically shouldn’t every time Moyer pitches be “Turn back the Clock” night?

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