Posted tagged ‘Alabama jokes’

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Stuff and bother.

February 15, 2013

Silver lining department: Never have so many people been so happy to arrive in Mobile, Alabama.

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The Carnival Triumph cruise turned into days of some booze, limited food, overflowing toilets and foul odors. In other words, a floating frat house.

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Understatement of the year award to Gerald R. Cahill, CEO of Carnival: “We pride ourselves on providing our guests a great vacation experience. Clearly, we failed in this particular case.”

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Kevin Youkilis, who yesterday said “I’ll always be a Red Sock”, today came out with “I’m a Yankee today, and I’m excited.” Wow! Youkilis changed positions so fast you have to wonder if he has future plans to run for office.

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Rabbits have been eating the wiring of cars parked at Denver International Airport by eating spark plug cables. Parking companies are building “better” fences and adding perches for predators like hawks and eagles. Large numbers of large birds near an airport, what could possibly go wrong?

 

All this hullabaloo about Chuck Hagel, a combat veteran. Can you imagine if President Obama had nominated a draft-dodger for Secretary of Defense, you know, someone like Dick Cheney?

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Rough weekend decisions coming up for Congressional Republicans. Do they blame Obama for the Carnival Triumph fiasco or the meteorite hitting Russia?

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Back aboard the bus, or rather, the ship to hell-   How about songs to play in honor of the Carnival Triumph? My starter suggestions: “Slip sliding away.” “Stuck in the middle with you.” “The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia,” “Where do we go from here?” “Stuck on you,” “Smoke on the water….”

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Reports are that Harrison Ford will once again play Han Solo in an upcoming Star Wars movie. Only this time the quote would be “I’ve got a bad feeling about this, if I could remember what it is.”

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In his new book, “Long Shot,” Mike Piazza is now blaming Vin Scully, (Vin Scully?!) for causing Dodgers fans to boo him in his final weeks with the team. Forget steroids, the “S” that will keep Piazza from ending up a beloved Los Angeles icon is “stupid.”

 

 

From  T.C.   “American Airlines and US Airways have formally announced they plan to merge. This deal was supposed to finalize sometime in 2009, but it’s been delay after delay after delay……”

 

 

 

First Manny Ramirez, now Mark McGwire is wearing Dodger Blue as a hitting coach…. SF Giants fans are accepting apologies for all those steroid remarks Los Angeles fans made about Barry Bonds.

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BCS Controversy?

January 9, 2013

ESPN apologized for Brent Musburger’s comment.about QB A.J. McCarron’s girlfriend Katherine Webb, Miss Alabama: “You quarterbacks, you get all the good-looking women. What a beautiful woman. Wow!” I guess the comment can be seen as objectifying, but really, isn’t that partly the purpose of the Miss USA pageant?

 

Another thought on all this controversy over Brent Musberger’s “beautiful woman” etc. comment during last night’s game: Faith Hill is a great singer. But does anyone think she’d be doing the intro song for Sunday Night Football if she looked like Susan Boyle?

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Rough morning after in South Bend. Last time Notre Dame alums were so embarrassed, priests were involved.

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Lance Armstrong reportedly will give a tell-all interview to Oprah. So will he jump up and down on her couch yelling “I loved PEDs?”

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Phil Jackson told an interviewer today “I have no intention of ever coaching again.” Translation, let’s see how desperate the Lakers get next year.

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The Obama administration says they may pull all troops from Afghanistan in 2014. Why wait?

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Shocking. The screenwriter for the “Fifty Shades of Grey” movie said in an interview that “There is going to be a lot of sex in the film, it will be rated NC-17.” Which still means the odds of being seated behind a couple trying to bring a baby in are better than you think.

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Good news, bad news for Congress: A Public Policy Polling survey showed they are less popular than than cockroaches, lice, root canals and colonoscopies. But they were more popular than John Edwards, the Kardashians, Lindsay Lohan, and gonorrhea.

(of course, given gerrymandered districts, one difference between Congress and gonorrhea….it’s easier to get rid of gonorrhea.)

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The Jets have said quarterbacks coach Matt Cavanaugh will not return in 2013. And Cavanaugh has to be thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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David Bowie, 66, has a new single. And he’s thinking of redoing some old music. Of course now when Ziggy Stardust falls he can’t rise up.

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Gary M’s comment on Rand Pauls 19 yr old son being arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct….

“On US Air, he was a criminal. On American, he would’ve been a pilot.”

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Star DE recruit Kylie Fitts, set to enroll at USC next week, decommitted today from the Trojans: :Something happened recently that questioned my trust in USC, so I’m reopening my recruitment.” Broken trust? With Lane Kiffin involved? I am shocked, shocked. …

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The 2013 college football schedule is out, and the only top 10 teams Alabama is facing are Texas A & M and LSU…. But hey, maybe Tennessee-Chattanooga can derail the three-peat.

 

A new Facebook AP “Help,  My Friend Gave Me the Flu” is a new app that looks through your friends’ pages looking for words that indicate they might be sick, along with late-night postings, indicating that are having trouble sleeping. 

Uh, first thought, how much paranoia will this induce in people whose friends are healthy night owls? 

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Really? Apparently “The Bachelor,” Sean Lowe, is a “born-again virgin.” According to a report in Star magazine “He’s had sex with four women in his life, but he rededicated himself to God and hasn’t slept with a woman in years.” Where is Bristol Palin when you need her?

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Boring Contrived System.

January 10, 2012

Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.

If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.

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But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.

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Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.

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For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.

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Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.

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Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”

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Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”

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Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?

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For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.

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Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)

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After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.

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Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.

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Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”

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Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.

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Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.

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They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.

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A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.

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Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.

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Rolled Tide?

November 6, 2011

How ugly was the LSU-Alabama game tonight? Many fans turned to NHL games just to see some scoring.

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In Alabama some frustrated fans went to kick their dogs after tonight’s loss. Fortunately for the pets they missed wide right.

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Yes, LSU and Alabama have good defenses. But shouldn’t we expect the “Game of the Century” to have more scoring than you’d expect in an overnight line for the iPhone 4s?

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Anyone who watched the 52-45 Oklahoma State-Kansas State shootout might say, not only wasn’t LSU -Alabama the “Game of the Century,” it wasn’t even the “Game of the Night.”

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And sorry, all the commentators are saying the 9-6 overtime score was because both defenses were so good. Isn’t it just possible that a contributing factor might have been that both offenses were so bad?

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LSU and Alabama did so little scoring, afterwards both teams received free gear declaring them honorary San Francisco Giants.

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Although for those Americans tired of hearing about the “Occupy” movement, give the teams credit. Neither of them ever “Occupied” the end zone

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Terrell Owens after he failed to show up for a court date regarding child support payments. Well, T.O wanted to be wanted.

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Another Saturday, two more upsets of highly rated teams (Michigan and Nebraska) in the “Legends” division of the Big 10. Yeah, “Legends” are great, but “Reality” can be a real b*tch.

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A thought about Steve Williams’ stupid racial slur against Tiger Woods. It’s a shame the two of them had a falling out. Because Williams and Woods seem to richly deserve each other.

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Another thought about this “personhood” amendment which would define life as beginning at the moment of fertilization. It’s not that big a step beyond to decide that “self-stimulation” is murder.

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Some pretty nasty allegations coming out of Penn State regarding a high-level cover up of a former football defensive coordinator’s alleged sexual abuse of boys. Who did the university think they were, the Vatican?

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A source told ESPN that hopes for an NBA labor deal are bleak. Can we title this one “What if they cancelled a whole basketball season, and nobody cared?”

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Who’d a thunk this? Herman Cain debated Newt Gingrich one on one Saturday night. And the guy who dumped TWO sick wives for younger women was the one not dodging sexual allegations.

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R.I.P. Andy Rooney. Wonder what the first thing will be that he will complain about in heaven?

(Augie suggests he asks “So, what about the other 10 Commandments Moses smashed on the rocks? Can I take a peek at them now?”

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The White House actually issued a reponse to two petitions to asking the U.S. government to acknowledge formally that aliens have visited Earth and to disclose any intentional withholding of government interactions with extraterrestrial beings.

This is from the White House Office of Science and Technology on their website: “The U.S. government has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.”

I don’t know, some days it seems like not only have aliens visited Earth, but also some of them have stayed and are running for President.

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Unreality television

June 12, 2009

A New Jersey mother who appeared  on “Wife Swap” has been charged with wounding her husband by stabbing him.  The woman, who swapped with a tattooed freak show performer, is a former Miss Teen New Jersey .  She claims she stabbed her husband  in self defense when he got jealous of a phone call from a “mutual male friend.”

I’m not sure if stories like this do more to debunk the theory of intelligent design or that of evolution.-

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Minnesota Vikings Coach Brad Childress says to “stay tuned” with the situation with Brett Favre.   “Stay tuned?”  It’s like we’re all watching a ghastly reality show and are unable to change the channel.

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Speaking of unreal –

The Orlando Magic hit 1 of 6 crucial freethrows down the stretch.  It was enough to make their fans miss the clutch foul shooting of  Shaquille O’Neal.

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New beer drinking toast in Green Bay – “May your troubles last as long as Brett Favre’s retirements”

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Cameron Diaz said in an interview that she only wants to date a guy who has “already dealt with his issues.” Is this her way of saying she is becoming a lesbian?

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The University of Alabama must forfeit 21 football wins after an investigation revealed players were obtaining free textbooks to give or sell to other students.   What was the investigators’ first clue?  That the football players were getting textbooks.

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At least this is one scandal that probably won’t hit NCAA basketball teams.  No one expects any of these one-and-done players to even pick up a textbook.

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The one-and-done phenomenon is because high school players have to wait a year before joining the NBA. Thus they may play on a college team for one season, but don’t really become a part of the team or university.  In addition the process is full of academic and monetary scandals. 

Several theories have been advanced to fix the problem, from switching to the baseball model (once you are drafted you must stay in school until your junior year or until you are 21) to a higher NBA age limit,  to requiring underage players to play in a developmental league.  Either that or requiring them to play for the Wizards or Clippers.

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The now former Miss California, Carrie Prejean, was fired by Donald Trump for neglecting her duties.  This is shocking.  Miss California has duties?

Or – a better punchline from the very funny Alex Kaseberg:  Prejean said she didn’t mean to blow off her duties, the wind just blew them away.

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And speaking of funny people, this from Bill Littlejohn:

Rumors have it that Bill Belichick is going to marry long-time companion Linda Holliday.He’s already ordered a tuxedo with a hood on it”

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