Left Coast Sports Babe

English sports may seem a world away – English athletes, not so much.

The following are real quotes as collected by the London Telegraph:

From Ronnie O’Sullivan – snooker legend “I first played with my left hand when I was 17. Things weren’t going well.  I needed to find a way through and it felt good.  My left hand is like a mistress.  My wife is my right hand and my mistress is my left.  It’s been good to me.

–

Olympic cyclist Chris Hoy, not suffering from any lack of confidence  – “Chris Hoy thinks that the day Chris Hoy refers to Chris Hoy in the third person is the day that Chris Hoy disappears up his own —.”

–

And English rugby coach Brian Ashton after being upset by Wales in the Six Nations championship, showing he is ready for the NFL, at least the post-game interviews. “One of our key messages before the game was not to feed Wales.  In the second half we took all our food out of the cupboard and put it on a plate for them.”

–

And journalists don’t change that much either:

This is after jockey Rudy Walsh chose to ride runner-up Kauto Star rather than the winning horse Denman in the Cheltenham Gold Cup  (a big English race.)

The question (from Derek Thompson)  “Any thoughts now about whether you should have gone for Denman or whatever?

Walsh “That’s probably the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.”

“It is, I know, but I had to ask you.”

“No, you didn’t have to ask me.”

The NBA game Christmas evening between the Celtics and Lakers was the most watched regular season game in four years.  Which means at least one of two things  – a lot of Americans are big Celtics-Lakers fans, and/or more Amercans than ever were looking for an excuse not to talk to their relatives.

–

With all the uncertainty in the world it is good to know some things are constant – like Brett Favre,  contemplating retirement, again.

–

Sarah Palin doesn’t understand what the fuss is about people thinking Barack Obama can walk on water. She points out that this time of year ANYONE can do it in Alaska.
–

Poor Sarah Palin, not only did she and John  McCain lose out in November, now Barack Obama has also won the swimsuit competition.

–

And after  an inauspicious start which included dropping his pants in the locker room at halftime, Mike Singletary will be offered a multi-year deal to coach the 49ers.   Wonder if this means his quarterback coach will be Warren Moon?

–

This joke is a joint effort with Bill Littlejohn.    While Tiger Woods has been taking time off,  Steve Hamilton has been mouthing off.  After his last nasty comments about Phil Mickelson,  there is talk of a movie about Hamilton –  working title – Caddy Smack.

More to follow on Boxing Day from England.

But an especially merry Christmas to so many who have made this column possible.    To some of the funniest people in the world –  in alphabetic order because almost anyone I know who writes comedy is as insecure as I am, and I don’t want to offend anyone – Jim Barach,  Will Durst,  Cam Hutchinson, Alex Kaseberg, Hartley Miller and Scott Ostler.   I appreciate all of their support and humor.  Anyone who likes what I write should google them and read their stuff.  Also Bill Littlejohn who doesn’t have his own blog but is pretty darn funny.

With special thanks to Barack Obama for choosing Joe Biden,  though this pales in comparison to John McCain’s inspired pick of Sarah Palin.    And of  course,  President George W. Bush, and Dick Cheney.    Who knew shredding the constitution could be so funny?   It will indeed be harder to write political jokes without them.  (Fortunately Barack Obama still sneaks a smoke from time to time, and his oldest daughter will become a teenager during his first term.  I can see it now “Yeah Daddy,  leader of the free world?  Fine, but I’m still not going to friend you on “Facebook.” )

Though how could I forget Obama’s greatest gift to comics everywhere – nominating Hillary Clinton as secretary of state.  And of course, bringing back Bill jokes.

But also a thanks for probable interim governor of Illinois Rod Blagovich.  For saving us from a humorless pre-Christmas week and making it possible for me to say I write bi-partisan jokes.  And though it was a while ago, also thanks to John Edwards, for putting  family values back in the limelight.

And in the sports world, of course, any wannabe joke writer owes a great debt to a the Detroit Lions.  And for individual performances,  Brett “Mr. Decisive” Favre and Plaxico Burress.   (Terrell Owens is in the Hall of Fame in this category.)

In baseball, the Mets took a boring pennant winning season and choked it into comic brillance.  The Yankees spent more money than anyone not named Hillary Clinton to finish second.    And the Cubs held off the jokes until October, and then disappeared so quickly that the only problem was writing jokes before the rest of the postseason was over.  (It is always easier when they crater in June.)    My favorite team, alas, the San Francisco Giants, provided plenty of jokes about power, by not having any.    I think the entire team hit less home runs than Bonds last year… or least it felt that way.

In the NBA alas, Kobe Bryant has so far behaved himself and the Lakers haven’t self destructed yet.  But the Oklahoma City Thunder seem well on their way to a record season, and the Wizards,  Clippers and Warriors seem well on their way to being a good supporting cast.

Plus thanks to the CFL Hamilton Tiger Cats – is it any wonder they are one of the closest teams to Detroit?    And the Cubs on ice – the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Am sure there are many others I have forgotten.   A famous man once said, “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel.”    Fortunately, I think it can be both.

After the Washington Redskins ended a 5 game win streak by beating the Philadelphia Eagles 10-3, defensive coordinator Greg Blache revealed his secret strategy: Saturday night he showed his players a highlight reel of their best moments.   Detroit Lions coach Rod Marinelli is planning the same thing next week – apparently the team has won almost half their coin tosses.

–

or  – choose your punchline.

Before snapping their five game losing streak Sunday, the Washington Redskins were shown a highlight reel of their best moments before Sunday’s game, to a soundtrack of the Average White Band’s “Pick Up the Pieces.”   Apparently the Lions’ coaching staff has plans to show a video too -if they can find a recording of…

Linda Rondstadt’s “You’re No Good.”

or

Neil Young’s “Helpless.”

Or the most cheerful thought of all about the 2008 season.

Hall and Oates “It’s Over.”

–

In a recent poll 1 out of 5 Americans voted Dick Cheney the worst vice president ever.  The other 4 of 5 voted him the worst president ever.

–

Or

In a recent poll 1 of 5 Americans voted Dick Cheney the worst president ever.   Amazing,  I didn’t know 4 of 5 Americans could even remember Spiro Agnew.

–

The new movie  “Valkyrie,” based on a true story about a plot to assassinate Hitler is billed as a “thriller.”      President Bush is particularly interested in seeing the movie, he can’t wait to find out how it ends.

Dick Cheney is blaming Congress for “failing struggling automakers.” Isn’t this like blaming fans who didn’t buy tickets for failing the Detroit Lions?

–

Or, isn’t blaming Congress for failing struggling automakers like failing the RNC for spending more money on Sarah Palin’s clothes.

–

–
Continental Airlines is offering to reroute passengers who were on their flight that veered over 2000 feet off the runway and smashed into a ravine. No word on if they will credit anyone with that extra frequent flyer mile.

And the now 4-11 Seattle Seahawks knocked the New York Jets out of the playoffs Sunday.  While this is satisfying to the team, for most of the frustrated Seattle fans it’s just lipstick on a pigskin. 

This is from another very funny friend, Jim Barach, wish I had written it. 

“Lynne Cheney is planning to write a biography about James Madison. That means she will have written a book about the man who wrote the Constitution while being married to the man who shredded it.”

There’s talk of doing a reality show about the automakers bailout.  Unfortunately the title “Deal or No Deal” is already taken.

–

And there is a new reality show premiering December 27,  on Fox.  Called “Smile, you’re under arrest”  where they play pranks on criminals before arresting them.   No word as to whether the show was shot on location in Washington DC, Illinois, or on Wall Street.

–

Cloris Leachman will be the grand marshall of the 120 year old Rose Parade. Apparently they asked John McCain first but he demurred in favor of a “younger babe.”

Caroline Kennedy’s wish to be appointed as the junior Senator from New York is causing some controversy. Apparently there is resistance to the idea of having someone get Hillary Clinton’s seat just because of their family name.

–

Many New Yorkers feel that the open Senate seat should not go to Caroline Kennedy just because of her name. Instead, they feel a more deserving choice would be Andrew Cuomo.

–
Detroit newspapers are going to a three day in print, four day online formula, so subscribers will only get the print edition on Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Well, at least it will save readers any potential Monday trauma from getting Lions’ results on their doorstep.

Okay, today is something different – airline acronyms.  None of these is original, many have been around for a long time.  And some have outlasted the airlines they stand for.  But most of them are amusing.  I collected them together for a post on Tripso.com and am posting them here.  For holiday enjoyment and cheerful sour grapes while traveling.

And the post was inspired by a flight attendant who watched several TSA agents doing nothing while a father struggled to get a stroller into the X-Ray machine.    – Her comment “Now you know why they call them “Thousands Standing Around.”

ALITALIA – Always Late in Takeoff – Always Late in Arrival

BOAC – Better on a Camel

BA – (British Airways)  Bloody Awful

Delta –  Directs Everyone’s Luggage to Atlanta

or  – Doesn’t Ever Leave the Airport.

or – Don’t Expect Luggage to Arrive

EL AL – Every Landing, Always Late.

PAN AM  – Plan on Arriving Nervewracked and Mad

TACA – Take a Chance Airline

TAP  Air Portugal  –  Take Another Plane

TWA – Try Walking Across

or – Took Wrong Airline

US Air – Unfortunately, Still Allegheny in Reality

UTA – Unlikely to Arrive

–

Finally a few nicknames:

USeless Air or US Scare,  Untied,  Northworst, Southworst, Aeroflop, (and Mapleflop for Air Canada.)

And one sent in by a Tripso reader.

“Northwest Airlines has been known as Cobra Airlines, because they could strike at any time.”

President Bush has been taking some criticism for all the species he has tried to take off the Endangered Species list.  In his defense, think of all those he has added- like the middle class.

–

As the Green Bay Packers lost to the Houston Texans (!),  Packers fans muttered about what would have happened if Aaron Rodgers was Brett Favre.  But then as the New York Jets lost to the San Francisco 49ers, perhaps some of them realized, Brett Favre is no longer Brett Favre.