Reprinted by popular demand.

Posted April 8, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Now that Barack and Michelle Obama are heading back from their World Tour…

(In keeping with Michelle’s wishes not to spoil their children, Sasha and Malia will soon be sporting t-shirs that say “My parents went to G-20 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”)

But here is a piece I wrote last year.  And yes, had John McCain somehow pulled off last year’s election, it could have happened:

Sarah Palin meets the Queen of England.

“Great to meetcha.  Can I call you Liz?  Are you a hockey mom too?  Polo?
No, my kids don’t swim much.

Swell house.  Yes, I’d love tea. You betcha. You know, we have English
Breakfast Tea
at my house.

John has told me that you guys have been such a big help in  Iraq.     
And we just can’t wave the white flag of surrender. I mean, just   
because we are trying to control a country across the ocean that   
doesn’t want us there…   Did I mention that John McCain and I are   
Mavericks?

And I brought you a present.  It’s a wolf I shot that I found on   
your lawn.  I even field dressed it for you.   But, gosh, your   
English wolves have short legs.  A Corgi?  No, what’s that?  Oh,   
terribly sorry Liz.  Say it ain’t so.  Dog-gone.”

Yes, it could have happened. But it didn’t.  Sometimes we Americans get it right.  Even on American Idol and the Presidential Election.

First pitches of 2009

Posted April 8, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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So Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ opener.

Presume it was a pre-emptive strike.

Ted Kennedy threw the first pitch out in Boston.    My sense is that at this point, though he didn’t get much on the pitch, it broke sharply to the left, and most would say it improved with age.

 

But while we’re at it, how about the hypothetical first pitches?

 

Like Sarah Palin’s?  Much hyped, less impressive in the actual delivery. Despite the fact that she apparently was a winner in  the Alaska League.

At the San Francisco Giants home opener at A T and T Field, US Air pilot Sully Sullenberger throw out the first pitch. (This is for real.)

Presume it was a splash hit.

And Citigroup executives’  first pitch at Citi Field?  Presumably in need of taxpayer help to make it across the plate.

 

More to follow, suggestions encouraged.

Beyond the madness…

Posted April 6, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Fans of 24 and Jack Bauer had to decide between watching the show tonight or  the NCAA basketball tournament.  Either way, for fans of the Michigan State Spartans, torture was involved.

On the other hand, the last time Michigan State played North Carolina, they lost 98-63.  So 89-72 doesn’t look so bad.  

A 35 point loss down to a 17 point loss.  Sort of like most people’s 401ks

President Obama, by the way, picked the UNC Tarheels to win it all in his ESPN brackets.  Well, heck, now that he’s got that under his belt the economy should be a snap.

The Oregon State Beavers , for anyone who missed it,  won the second annual CBI (Can Buy In) tournament this past weekend.  And for those who mock the tournament, the winning Beavers’ coach IS pretty much a lock to be invited to the White House.

(for anyone going, “huh?”,   the new Oregon State coach this year is Craig Robinson  – Michelle’s brother.)

 

 

Levi Johnston claims that he and Bristol had sex at her home,  something Governor Palin angrily denies.  Yeah, apparently Sarah can see Russia but she isn’t so good about what’s going on INSIDE her house.

 

Sarah Palin is particularly upset to hear these stories of premarital sex while she is preparing for her oldest son’s 20th birthday on April 20th.  Sarah and her husband, by the way, eloped on August 29. 1988. 

While many sports fans have been distracted by college basketball,  Major League Baseball has had some of their opening games.  And after one day hope springs eternal –  the Cubs are in first place, the Yankees are in last, and Ken Griffey Jr has been healthy every day of the season.l

More madness…

Posted April 5, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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A recent survey about teams in the NCAA tournament said that women players do much better in the the classroom than the men.  Said many of the male players  “What’s a classroom?”

 Alex Rodriguez says he is now at 70 percent after his surgery.  In other words – playoff form.

 This doesn’t need a punchline.  But it’s worth sharing.   The University of  Connecticut women’s team will play for the national championship, while the men were upset in the semi-finals.  But in a more perhaps a more significant victory  – the women’s team graduation percentage – 100 %.

The men-  33 %.

And in the Connecticut women’s victory over Stanford in the semi-finals, suffice it to say that they made the powerful Cardinal team look so bad that fans might have thought they were watching this year’s mens team.

 


-Ron Wilson, coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs, has been picked to coach the U.S. men’s hockey team in the 2010 Olympics.   Well,  with the Leafs he certainly has had experience coaching top amateur level play.

An NBA game last week between the Golden State Warriors and the Sacramento Kings ended up with the Warriors winning  143 to 141.   That’s more scoring since Bill Clinton’s last college spring break.

Or if you will – even Eliott Spitzer couldn’t pay for that much scoring.

 

Governor Palin is furious at her daughter’s ex-fiance Levi Johnston, for going on the Tyra Banks show to talk about his sex life with Bristol.  Sarah can’t believe that he would exploit the relationship like that.  Especially after all the Governor did for the young man – buying him fancy suits,  flying him on the campaign private plane, and taking him to all those events like the  Republican convention.

The Atlanta Braves and Philadelphia Phillies kicked off this year’s Major League Baseball season, with another ESPN mandated 830p start on the East Coast.  Suppose this Opening Night makes sense in one way – kids can get a taste of what it will be like in October with World Series games that will be too late for them to stay up.

What’s wrong with the NBA?

Posted April 4, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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For starters, look at the playoff picture. If the season ended right now, two teams with records under .500 – the Detroit Pistons and Chicago Bulls – would make the playoffs. Who do they think they are, the NHL?


And actually, the Toronto Raptors, at 30-45, are still barely in the playoff picture. Fans in Toronto, more accustomed to rooting for the Maple Leafs are wondering “what’s a playoff picture?”


As Passover approaches, there are a lot more Kosher choices for Jews who want to imbibe over the holiday. Besides a kosher tequila there is now a $200.00 Kosher Cabernet Sauvignon.

So, passing on all the jokes about expensive Jewish wine – (as if, you never buy me any jewellry) can we assume when you pull the cork a little voice says “You have this kind of money to spend on wine but not to visit your mother?


Michigan State upset Connecticut to earn a spot in the Final Four. But for all those crowing about their upset bracket pick, let me tell you, bragging about picking a 2 seed, is like bragging over having all your money in money market funds. You might be right, but you don’t exactly get points for risk-taking.

So after all the hype, there is no Big East team in the NCAA men’s basketball finals.  But to be fair, a few of them could have made the playoffs in the NBA’s Eastern conference.

Overpriced tickets?

Posted April 3, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Season ticket sales are down all over Major League Baseball. SF Giants President Larry Baer, after the team’s season ticket sales fell by over 2,000 said “There’s a certain amount of fear driving people to not want to make commitments in March for purchases in September.”

True, but at least the way the Giants have been playing, they won’t be paying anything in October.


Skip this joke if you aren’t a hockey fan.

This time of year at least there’s a silver lining for Toronto Maple Leafs fans. Unlike fans in San Jose they don’t worry about their team choking in the playoffs.


Hottest bet in Vegas? Which NFL team will regret their decision first? The Bears to trade for Jay Cutler or the Bills to sign Terrell Owens?

Billionaire Larry Ellison’s BMW-Oracle team won a court battle allowing them, for now, to be the “challenger of record” in next year’s America’s Cup.

“Who cares?” – said almost everyone in the world.

In that vein, Penn State won the NIT basketball tournament.

Of course, had college football had a playoff system, Penn State, instead of going to the Rose Bowl, might have been knocked out in an early round. So, maybe count the Nittany Lions as a fan of the BCS system. On the other hand, how many people outside of State College, Pennsylvania, and Waco, Texas (home of Penn State opponent Baylor) watched the NIT final? I am guessing dozens, at least.

Michelle Obama meets the Queen

Posted April 2, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Regarding that now famous picture of Michelle Obama and the Queen of Elizabeth with their arms around each other:

I’ve got to figure the Queen whispered “Why couldn’t one of my boys have met a nice girl like you?”


Yankees General Partner Hal Steinbrenner said. “Look, there’s no doubt small amounts of our tickets might be overpriced.”

Like most of their players.


Disgrunted Denver Quarterback Jay Cutler has been traded to Chicago. Wonder how long it will take Bears fans to start missing Rex Grossman?

Callers trying to reach Hillary Clinton on a conference call were accidentally directed to a sultry woman’s voice offering phone sex. And Bill Clinton said “See, honey, I told you, that used to happen to me all the time.”

Salaries

Posted April 2, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Does really this need a punchline?

University of Kentucky President Lee Todd’s salary $550,000.

New University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari’s salary. $3.96 million a year. For eight years.

John Calipari says he is “excited” to be the new Kentucky coach. Well, they did give him 31.65 million good reasons.

On the other hand, Rick Pitino says he is definitely returning to Louisville and a candidate for the University of Arizona coaching job.

Translation, Arizona hasn’t offered him $31 million.

Barack Obama is in London but he is still following his Final Four – Chase, Wells Fargo, Bank of America and JP Morgan..

Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. In related news, US Air reported record sales of their hermetically sealed blankets.

Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight. In his defense, he just said he was following new airline policies that make you take everything into your own hands.

I’m not a 20 something, but… Lady GaGa – who appeared Wednesday on American Idol, is supposed to be one of the new hot stars. Seemed more like Marilyn Monroe meets Star Trek.


Barack Obama gave the Queen an I Pod. But for royalty, shouldn’t it be a We Pod?


And President Obama, who sat next to German Chancellor Angela Merkel has already gone a ways towards improving U.S. Germany relations. Three words – No shoulder rub.

Aren’t Sarah Palin’s fifteen minutes up?

Posted April 1, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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The Republican National Committee replaced Sarah Palin as a fundraising speaker with Newt Gingrich. Because nothing says “family values” like serving your wife with divorce papers when she has cancer. (Yes, he did.)


Sarah Palin was replaced as a fundraising speaker for the Republican National Committee. Apparenly because she couldn’t commit to the date in advance. But give the gal a break, she’s been busy watching Russians from her house.

Governor Kathleen Sibelius announced she will be paying more tax by refiling her last three years of tax returns. Republicans are privately at all these Democrats who are adjusting their returns.. “They actually pay taxes?”

In a recent poll ,60 percent of baseball fans said in a recent poll that they were not interested in the World Baseball Classic – The other 40 percent said “What’s the World Baseball Classic?.

Nearly 60 percent of major league baseball fans said in no player who used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs should get into the Hall of Fame.

And about an equal number said they would be more likely to go to games if there were a real home run chase again.

Allison Iraheta sang “Don’t Speak” by No Doubt, And said, “I grew up listening to this song”

Alison is 16.

Do we love our pets more than people?

Posted March 31, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Time magazine asked the question this week, do we love our pets more than people?

But to be fair, no matter how much people spend on their pets, they’ve taken a much smaller chunk out of our 401ks and housing values than people.


It’s hard to believe Spring Training is almost over. Only another month until the Royals are officially eliminated from the playoffs.


Apparently women are ending up in the hospital after the shots they are getting to enlarge their derrieres have turned out to be toxic. Butt enhancing injections? Really, isn’t a hot fudge sundae easier?


President Obama is heading on his first official visit to London. The English are thrilled. They are especially looking forward to once again having a President who speaks their language.


And Michelle Obama will be accompanying her husband. Because, unlike Secretaries of State, Presidents are expected to bring their spouse along for important trips..

In related news, Bill Clinton reiterated that he has no hard feelings over the election results.


Tiger Woods’ win last weekend was the highest golf television rating since last year’s U.S. Open, which was Woods’s last tournament before his surgery. While Tiger eases back into the PGA tour, the NHL is trying to see if he has time to drop the cup during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Kosher Tequila?

Posted March 29, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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No joke, a U.S. company is planning to launch a new Kosher Tequila in time for Cinco de Mayo.

Presumably each bottle will come with a free phone card, because “if you have time to drink tequila, you have time to call your mother.”

Three shots and you’ll be singing “Ay, ay, ay, oy!”

Kosher Tequila, just what you want for those Matzo Wrapped Burrritos and Gefilte Fish Tacos.

What’s going to be their ad campaign “Kosher tequila – now you don’t even need a hangover to feel guilty?”

or

“When you need a shot of guilt”?

or

“Pass out on Pass Over”?

No word yet on the kosher worm.

Madonna is apparently trying to adopt a four year old girl from Malawi. What does a 50 year old mother of three want with another whiny child. Guess she misses A-Rod more than we thought.

Barney Frank called Supreme Court judge Antonin Scala a “homophobe.” Scalia corrected him quickly, saying the correct term is “misanthrope.”


With the final four composed of two one-seeds, one two-seeds and one three-seeds, Cinderella officially didn’t make it to the NCAA tournament. Apparently her fairy godmother invested with Bernie Madoff.

Beyond the Votes

Posted March 29, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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John McCain said of the 2008 Presidential election – “Over 50 million people voted for me and Sarah Palin – mostly for Sarah Palin,”

Of course, what he didnt say, almost 70 million voted for Barack Obama….maybe mostly against Sarah Palin.

President Obama’s latest television appearance is today on Face the Nation, following his Tuesday night news conference. last Sunday’s appearance on 60 Minutes, and his appearance on the Tonight Show. Forget standard approval ratings, he might be the first president to be judged by Nielsen ratings.


As the U Conn Huskies have moved into the final four and closer to a national championship, investigations into serious recruiting violations continue.

Which could lead to an interesting variation on the old Disney question.

“U Conn, you’ve just won the NCAA tournament. where are you going?

“We’re going on probation.”

More madness..

Posted March 28, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Gilbert Arenas is returning to the Washington Wizards, but retiring from blogging, saying ‘Eventually your words is going to kill you.’

No word on when he will launch his Presidential exploratory committee.


Five Big East teams could make the Elite Eight at the NCAA tournament. Even scarier, a couple of them could probably make the playoffs in the NBA’s Eastern Conference.


With the Pitt Panthers one win away from the final four, fans of top college level sports in Pittsburgh are especially excited. Normally they have to wait for the regular season with the Pirates.

So much for risk tasking. The Elite Eight has four one seeds, two two seeds, and two three seeds. And of course the folks chortling about their positiions in the office pools are the same folks who have had kept all their money in treasury bonds.

Small victories

Posted March 27, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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President Obama has to feel like he is tackling the labors of Hercules these days. But he was right about Duke.

Duke shot 16 for 60 from the field against Villanova in one of their worst tournament performances ever. In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad the team was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Another good news item for President Obama. He chose Joe Biden over Chris Dodd as a running mate.

President Obama during his online news conference said he did not think legalizing marijuana was a good idea to help the economy. So much for the stimulus package for Krispy Kreme.


Many New Yorkers are really missing Eliot Spitzer. Not only was he one of the first people to be right about companies like AIG, he also knew how to spend money for a successful stimulus.


Sarah Palin was complaining again today about last fall’s campaign, saying that that there was no one on the McCain campaign who she wanted to “hold hands with and pray.”

Actually, after Senator McCain chose Sarah Palin his campaign staff spent plenty of time praying.


Or – She couldn’t find anyone because they were too busy wringing each other’s hands.

How strange is Sarah Palin acting these days? Even Nayda Suleman said “that woman is wacky.”

Hillary Clinton said that North Korea firing a missle would be considered a “provocative” act. Bill Clinton said that this might be the first time the words “Hillary” and “provocative” have been used in the same sentense.

Sarah Palin’s 5 “W”s of Journalism…

Posted March 25, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Governor Sarah Palin this week unleashed yet another diatribe against the media who she is still blaming for the Republicans’ poor showing last November. Palin says that journalists have forgotten the 5 “W”s of journalism. Which I guess to her are “Who, what, when,where and whine.”


As the NCAA basketball tournament starts up again tomorrow the lowest remaining team is 12 seed Arizona. Since the Wildcats are riding a 25 year straight run of tournament appearances, isn’t calling them a Cinderella kind of like saying your underdog pick to win the 2009 World Series is the Yankees?


Meanwhile, over at the women’s tournament, the big story is U Conn. Not only a one seed, but an undefeated one at that. With an average margin of victory this season of about 30 points. Yes, 30.

Maybe it would be appropriate for the other teams in the tournament to have the final in the Alamodome.


Quote of the day, from new American Idol judge Kara Diogardi to a contestant tonight:

“Six words! One of the top performances of the night.”

And President Bush, watching at home, said “Exactly.”

A break in the Madness…

Posted March 24, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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The remaining teams in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament are mostly 1s, 2s, 3s and 4s. With only one 5 and a 12. Most Americans haven’t seen that many numbers so low since they opened their latest 401ks.


With so many high-ranked teams in the Sweet Sixteen, basketball fans won’t even have the bittersweet pleasure of watching underdogs who get their hopes up and then dash them in the end. But fortunately we’ll soon have the Chicago Cubs.

President Obama responded to a question about his response to the AIG bonuses by saying “It took a couple of days because I like to know what I’m talking about before I speak.”

And former President Bush said “You can do that?”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to “put 2008 in the rear view mirror.” He also asked them to do the same with his response to Obama’s speech?.


Many Americans are particularly upset about AIG because of the taxpayer money wasted on undeserving employees in an inept operation. For New Yorkers at least, fortunately they’ll soon have the distraction of the Mets opener at the new Citi Field.

We’re number 98!

Posted March 24, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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How the mighty have fallen: Stanford University, a sweet sixteen team only a year ago, is currently competing in the CBI. (College Basketball Invitational.) This is a pay-for-play tournament for teams who just missed both the 65 team NCAA AND 32 team NIT tournaments.

The Cardinal have won their first two games, putting them on course for the finals. Where if they win, yes, they can print the t-shirts- “We’re number 98!”

So as we get to the Sweet Sixteen in the men’s NCAA tournament, 14 of the 16 top seeds remain, with only one five seed and one twelve seed remaining as semi-underdogs. 14 out of 16 numbers predicted correctly? Maybe when this tournament is over we should have the seeding committee tackle the banking industry.


And another problem with the WBC – (World Baseball Classic.) Not only is it during spring training, it is during March Madness, thereby almost guaranteeing that most sports fans are focused elsewhere.

But another suggestion, besides moving it to November. Invite 64 nations. Seed them. And then put out a press release saying that by no means should Americans bet on the WBC, but by the way, here is a printable bracket.


From my very funny friend Jim Barach:

President Obama has signed a publishing deal with Crown Publishing for a post presidency book. Apparently it is going to be called “What The Hell Was I Thinking?”

Meow corner.

Harrison Ford has finally announced his engagement to Calista Flockhart. Apparently he wanted to wait until she had graduated from high school.

or

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart have finally announced their engagement. They plan to have a great wedding, being able to take advantage of his senior and her student discount.

Before county commissioners approved a plan for a new Florida Marlins stadium, they were asked if Miami to become the “only major city in America without major league baseball.”

And in Washington DC, home of the Nationals, fans responded, “what are we, chopped liver?”

The New York Yankees still have unsold expensive seats in their new stadium. But the team feels confident the seats will sell once buyers realize they won’t have to worry about spending more money on World Series tickets.

The ugly stepsisters are winning…

Posted March 23, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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One seed higher than a four left in the Sweet Sixteen –Arizona, the Pac 10 team no one, including me, thought should be in the tournament in the first place. Zero upsets on Sunday. – zero, no lower seed beat a higher seed in any of the eight games.

Maybe Cinderella’s fairy godmother was too busy fretting about her 401k to show up?

President Obama’s pick are now looking pretty respectable, he is in the top half of the millions of entrants in ESPN’s challenge. Some folks have been complaining that he should be focused on the economy. But really, shouldn’t even a President have some way to blow off steam and relax? I would venture to say March Madness is a better outlet, than say, our last Democratic president found?


More on the subject of the new official “Yankees Sod” and “Yankees Grass Seed,” where fans can purchase the same sod and/or seed used at Yankee Stadium.

If successful, this will open up a whole wave of new possiblities:

Minnesota Twins grass – inexpensive and surprisingly effective, even indoors.

Red Sox grass – almost as expensive as Yankees grass. Requires years of patience for success.

Nationals grass – imported from Canada in hopes of having it perform better in a warmer climate. So far results are unimpressive.


Cubs grass – does this need a punchline? But okay, Incredibly popular, but almost always dead by the end of summer.


Royals and Pirates grass- not very impressive, but cheap. For lawns nobody notices.

Yankees grass…

Posted March 22, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Yes, for those Yankees fans who can’t get enough of their team, officially licensed grass will now be sold. The farmer who supplies the team has won approval to sell his extra as “Yankees Sod” and “Yankee Grass Seed.”

Presumably the grass will be deep, impressive looking, and expensive. It will also regularly fade in October.


There already apparently is a form of Mets grass. But it is only sold legal in Amsterdam.

Good news for the Los Angeles Clippers. With March Madness going on no basketball fans are watching them play.

Say what, Sarah?

Posted March 21, 2009 by left coast sports babe
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Governor Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for his “Special Olympics” gaffe last night on the Tonight Show.

Isn’t Sarah Palin criticizing someone for saying something stupid in a television interview like Bill Clinton criticizing John Edwards for doing something stupid with another woman?


Or AIG criticizing Citigroup for reckless investing practices?


Or Michael Jackson criticizing Nayda Shulman’s parenting skills?

Actually, Governor Palin is sticking by what she feels is well-qualified criticism of President Obama. Not only does she have a Downs syndrome child, she can see Russian Special Olympics athletes training from her house.


And btw, apologies if any of these Special Olympics jokes are offensive. They aren’t meant to be. (And I’m not running for office.)

After Barack Obama foolishly compared his 129 bowling game to a Special Olympics attempt, some Special Olympics athletes have come forward to challenge the President to a bowling match.

Following in the footsteps of all the Special Olympics athletes who wanted to challenge President Bush to a game of Jeopardy.


The California Golden Bears, the NCAA’s best three-point shooting team in the regular season, were bounced in the first round by Maryland. The Bears hit only 29 percent of their three-point attempts.

In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad, they’ve been invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.


How random are some NCAA pool picks? If you think your brackets are busted now, what if it was required that to get credit for a team’s win, you would have to know the city and state where they are located, and the mascot? (Siena, for example.)

A serious thought, yes, I do post one or two once in a while The World Baseball Classic is not only not grabbing the country’s attention, it is delaying the start of the Major League Baseball season enough that the World Series may go into November. Not to mention some players are getting injured and it may affect their seasons.

So why not put Spring Training and the regular season back to where they were, have the World Series a little earlier, and then play the WBC afterwards somewhere warm and/or indoors? It’s not as if November is a huge sports month, especially earlier in the month before the college football rivalry games get going. And players will be less worried about being injured for the regular season.

Just a thought.